Month: June 2020

We are broken… Our nation. Our political system. The individual heart.

Friends, if we are going to actually craft solution, it will not come by drowning others out, winning “one more to our tribe,” nor employing any rules for radicals. If we are going to address our ballooning brokenness, there is one thing we must each start to do…

We must learn how to talk to people. 

We think we learned it long ago. We tend to think we’re actually good at it. And yet we then tend to focus most of our communication telling someone else what they need to do. No wonder social media has become such a conversational mine field… “You don’t agree with me? Well, then something must be wrong with you.”

That’s not a conversation, friends. It’s also not healthy. If I can focus my primary energy on how others need to change, then I never have to examine me. In fact, if I can find more wrong in you, change in me is irrelevant and actually unnecessary. Hence, we remain corporately and individually broken.

How then should we talk to people?

Step one: assume a humble posture.

Who wants to hear the arrogant? Who is inspired to change or self-reflect when ego and pride are screaming at you? Is such effective in regard to heart change? Solution?

How many times do we say, “I just have to say…” or “I’ve had it…” or “I’m not going to take it anymore…” Who is the subject of each of those sentences? I, me, my, myself. When we are the focus of our own monologues, thinly veiled as wisdom for a watching world, we aren’t very good teachers, leaders, encouragers, nor role models; we’re not even great friends. We’re also often looking down on someone. If we’re looking down on someone, then often at least for me, I’m doing the exact thing I’m imploring another not to do.

Hence, in what we say and how we say it, it starts with a humble posture — not an offensive or defensive position or anything ready to pounce. Simply embrace humility always. 

Step two: listen more than you speak.

We have been lured into believing life is a series of binary choices… “If you’re not with me, you’re against me…” left, right… black, white… good, bad… That lure then allows us to conclude that there are only two sides to a situation — plus, if you’re not on the same side as me, then you must be wrong. There are 360° in a circle and thus multiple perspectives. Always. We will never discover such if we’re busy doing all the talking, screaming, shouting and shaming. Someone thinks differently than you? Ask them why. Outrageous, it seems? Ask questions. Seek to understand. When we refuse to listen, we are the ones who are stuck.

Step three: employ respect. 

When I set out to establish “The Intramuralist” 12 years ago, the idea was spurred on through interactions with a dear friend with whom I often disagreed. We would come to the table with different thoughts and beliefs in our heads and hearts; we would share, push back, sometimes shake our heads a bit, and often say, “Help me understand.” And while it wasn’t always easy, that sincere exchange doesn’t happen unless we are respecting one another. “We may not think the same, but I respect you. I value you.” If the person on the other side of the table doesn’t feel valued by you, why would they have any desire to think more like you? Hence, without respect, crafting solution is impossible.

Step four: engage in self-examination.

A wise new friend encouraged me in a profound way last week. In regard to the current racial tension, he encouraged me (each of us, really) to look “first in the mirror and then out the window.” In other words, if we are going to be part of the solution, first we need to examine self… What attitudes have I held or behaviors have I exhibited that have contributed to looking down on another? … Do I tolerate everyone but the intolerant? Then I’m intolerant… Do I respect everyone but those who disagree with me? Then I’m not respectful… Self-examination is vital. Then look out the window; be mindful of people who don’t look like me. Again, seek to understand and empathize.

And step five: rinse and repeat.

Learning how to talk to people is not a one-time course nor something to be checked off our latest list. It’s not a collegiate Gen Ed that we can take once and be done with; it is in no way Communication 101. In fact, with social media often serving as a place encouraging all the unfortunate, exact opposite, my sense is that these steps must be regularly reviewed. 

But make a mistake? Fall prey to insult or disrespectful retorts? You let someone “deserving” finally have it? Rinse… feel some forgiveness. Maybe even ask for forgiveness, as we’re all in this together.

Then repeat. Again and again and again.

It starts with a humble posture.

Respectfully…

AR

While undaunted by current blogging challenges (recognizing that there seem things you’re supposed to say, not supposed to say, and certain things you must say a certain way… on top of all, if you say nothing, then there’s also something wrong with you or you’re insensitive or worse or something lesser), allow us to say something today by pondering what actually fits. Let’s say something that’s helpful in actually encouraging respectful dialogue. What tidbits of wisdom fit the current cultural moment?

For example…

As said previously in regard to how we as a nation enact coronavirus precautions, prudence in the dense populace of New York City looks different than in Montana’s beloved “Big Sky Country.” Hence, my concluded tidbit of wisdom:

“One size doesn’t fit all.”

What else fits now?

“All men are created equal.”

Expanding upon the Declaration… men, women, children… the abled, disabled, infant, elderly, and more. That’s why black lives matter.

“People should not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

I can’t amen enough the wisdom extracted from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s 1963 dream. The content of one’s character means most. In all things.

“Certain conditions continue to exist in our society, which must be condemned as vigorously as we condemn riots. But in the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard.”

This quote from Dr. King — whose daughter, Dr. Bernice A. King, said has been much misused during this time — explains why riots happen; it does not support nor advocate rioting, as rioting hurts the innocent.

As I toy a little more, my pondering centers on nuggets of wisdom centered on potentially polar opposites: judgment and grace. Let’s continue to examine what fits… first focusing on judgment…

“Everyone has untold stories of pain and sadness that make them love and live a little differently than you do. Stop judging, instead try to understand.” — Anonymous

“We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions.” — Jayce O’Neal

“Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.” — Wayne Dyer

“If you judge people you have no time to love them.” — Mother Teresa

“Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.” — Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Which leads us to grace…

“Grace, respect, reserve, and empathetic listening are qualities sorely missing from the public discourse now.” — Meryl Streep

“And you know, when you’ve experienced grace and you feel like you’ve been forgiven, you’re a lot more forgiving of other people. You’re a lot more gracious to others.” — Rick Warren

“Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.”― Philip Yancey

“Our worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.” — Jerry Bridges

“Believe the best about people. Pray for their shortcomings. You are not the standard. We all need grace.” — LeCrae

Believe the best… not because of who we are… 

Yes, I’m thinking that fits…

Respectfully…

AR

On this life journey — like it or not — we’re all taking together, I’ve never really wondered if God existed. With total respect to my more skeptical friends, let me add that God has certainly felt far away at times. But for me, over the course of my life, I’ve come to conclude that’s usually more about me than it is about him. I’m still learning.

Some things are just too big for me to believe anything else.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw the ocean…

We actually lived far away from any coast — more in the middle of the Midwest. And summer vacation was typically a trip to see relatives in the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” or “America’s Dairyland.” So while born on the shores of Lake Michigan, the great lake still felt different to me than the ocean. I was 19 when I finally saw it.

It was my sophomore year of college, and once our Spring Break shenanigans had settled for the day (with a special shout out to my sororal ride-or-dies), I found myself sitting alone one night on the edge of the Atlantic, with the Southeast Florida sands sprinkled amidst my toes.

I can remember looking at the ocean and thinking, “You are so big!”

And almost instantly, without thinking, the subject of my sentence changed, “God, you are so big!”

As I saw the enormous expanse of the sea and recognized that sort of straight across from me — latitude-speaking, of course — lie Morocco and the Western Sahara, I couldn’t get over how huge it was and how someone must have intentionally made this.

Teemed, too, with such a vast variety of fish — the massive and the minute — I was blown away. It was actually overwhelming. I thus made God a promise that night that every time I saw the ocean, I would acknowledge him; thank him; and smile about how big he is. I sense his presence clearly there.

Having moved three years ago from the Midwest to “The City Beautiful,” the sandy shores are significantly closer — only a glorious 40 minutes away now. Hence, we visit often, finding the sunshine and the respite to be healthy and good.

It’s been a little more complicated this spring and summer, as at first the beaches were closed and now parking is limited and people are appropriately distanced. The sunshine and respite graciously remain, no less.

Last week’s visit was especially encouraging. My three sons and I made the jaunt…

After we had sat for some time, each taking turns wading into the now-warm-enough waters, my older two guys picked up the football, deciding to toss it around.

My guys are excellent athletes and have pretty good arms, and they were zinging that pigskin back and forth, seemingly with ease.

Maybe only three, four minutes in, a couple, additional, observing young men asked if they could play, too.

“Of course,” was the instant smile and nod.

And for the next forty minutes, the now foursome took turns with one man throwing, one man receiving, one man defending, and the other resting, awaiting his turn.

It was fun to see them each enjoy each other… each have times besting one another… and each congratulate another when they were the one bested. They had moments of success… and moments not. They played hard, ran fast, often diving in the sand. Quickly, one would notice they had varied skill sets — some who were faster, some who threw farther, some perhaps who were stronger. And while the socially-distanced summer didn’t allow for the typical hugs or high-fives when finished, they affirmed one another, thankful for the shared experience.

How beautiful to see a group of gifted young men, white and black, genuinely and sincerely affirm one another for who they are.

Every time I see the ocean… yes… I sense God’s presence clearly there.

Respectfully…

AR

Crazy cultural moments give me hope. Making light of no one’s challenge, I’m hopeful because I feel like the great big God of the universe is attempting to get our attention. Will we listen? … or will we continue to find another way to rely on our own knowledge, our own wisdom, trying to shape our own solution? The beauty right now is that many crave crafting actual solution. Even some who sadly justify unjust destruction are crying out. It is no excuse; it is, though, evidence of wanting something better. What would be better?

A culture in which no one is judged by the color of their skin —nor their age, stage, or circumstance.

An awareness that morality isn’t relative.

A resistance of the binary choice.

My sense is save for the radical, left and right fringe (noting both exist), most agree with the first two ways in which our world would be better…

The content of our character will always mean most.

Universal moral norms exist, especially the value of every human and the unalienable rights that only the Creator is capable of bequeathing.

But the binary choice?

Perhaps because we crave solution and seek to cease the pain as soon as possible — as let’s face it, friends, we aren’t very good with pain — our own, much less anyone else’s — in our desire to stop the pain, we sometimes rush to the simplified, binary choice…

… black/white…

… left/right…

… good/bad…

… friend/foe…

… fund/defund…

The challenge is binary choices are almost always made from too far away. As Andy Stanley says, “The farther away you are from a problem, the simpler it seems. The closer you get, the more complex it becomes.”

And so I ask…

Who are you close to?

Proximity shapes perspective. From far away, the perspective pales. That’s evident in both those who encourage the violent and those who denigrate the nonviolent… that’s evident in those of us who have no friends, family, or significant influences who look/think/believe/behave/vote any different than ourselves…

We are too far away from one another. Those who are too far away tend to encourage the binary choice.

Hence, questions I’m asking myself at this time…

• Where have I looked down upon any other as lesser? 
• Where have I allowed racism, implicit bias, or prejudice to affect my thinking or behavior?
• Where am I unwilling to listen to another?
• Where am I intentionally not choosing unity?
• And where is the great big God of the universe attempting to get my attention?

God is the only One who consistently encourages loving all well and looking down on no one. It is only He who speaks of a day when the lion/lamb/leopard/goat all lie down peacefully together.

It starts by moving closer.

Respectfully…

AR

I’m simply a student today, friends. Join me. If we studied more than we shouted, my sense is each of us would benefit. Hence, first, what is “cancel culture”? From Dictionary.com:

cancel culture

[ kan-suhl kuhl-cher ]

Cancel culture refers to the popular practice of withdrawing support for (canceling) public figures and companies after they have done or said something considered objectionable or offensive. Cancel culture is generally discussed as being performed on social media in the form of group shaming.

Or the “top definition” from the more colloquial UrbanDictionary.com:

Cancel Culture

A desire to cancel out a person or community from social media platforms.

It is characterized by the response of an evil individual when they are shown to be wrong. They will call on their followers to report the social media accounts of the person or group that did the criticizing rather than discussing the criticism or showing by evidence where the criticism is incorrect.

Narcissists make up the majority of the people who engage in cancel culture, and others who do this would include immature individuals.

When something is “cancelled,” it’s declared null and void. “Call-out culture” is a similar term.

The difference in contemporary usage is that a cancel culture is not focused on declaring a series or subscription null and void. It is canceling a person. From the dictionary once more, “In the latest use of the word, you can cancel people… anyone who takes up space in the public consciousness.”

Hence, the student asks again: is cancel culture good?

It certainly isn’t respectful, but does that matter? Or… is the mattering tied to effectiveness?

In the cultural moment before us, one of the aspects I personally find hopeful is that many are finally sitting with the pain of other people; they are recognizing their own perspective is incomplete. Each of our perspectives is incomplete. It seems many are recognizing that others don’t experience life the way they do. Such seems a God-honoring, healthy pursuit, and one that is always part of a wise one’s journey. 

As pondered here six months ago…

“My Hispanic neighbors across the street are consistently engaged in managing their business and chasing after their adorable, young children.

My gay friends on the corner take some glorious, fantastic vacations.

The married professionals next door are gone a lot; we don’t talk as much as any of us would like.

And the single, black mom down the block has an incredibly full plate.

Each of us experience the world differently. And that’s just on my small street.

What would happen if we actually took the time to listen to people who don’t experience the world the way we do?…”

My student sense is that positive cultural change is most lasting and effective if heart change is included. Yet individual hearts aren’t positively changed if simply declared null and void. What if, therefore, in this moment, each of us recognized we had something to learn? What if we each listened better? What if we became a student of one another instead of cancelers?

I continue from our previous post… 

“… when we don’t understand how another person can believe or behave the way they do, it is we who don’t understand. We don’t understand the realities of another and how they experience the world.

So if we are going to love our neighbor well, we need to listen and learn from others. If we are going to minimize the ignorance in our own lives, we need to ask good questions and seek to understand. We need to seek out and engage with those who are different than us… the citizens and immigrants, black and white, Democrats and Republicans, etc. Otherwise we are going to be guilty of discounting every bit of information that doesn’t fit perfectly in our current, narrow world view. We will only add to our own ignorance.

Let me be gently but boldly more clear: each of our world views are narrow. Each are incomplete…”

Let us thus listen and learn from all of the above… even when it’s hard… even when we don’t want to… even when cancelling would be easier and certainly more convenient. Let us love each of our neighbors well. Let us choose to be a student…

Respectfully…

AR

Thanks to the many who have read or reached out to discuss what you are earnestly processing at this tense moment in time. I sincerely appreciate your sharing and sharpening. I also appreciate agreement and disagreement — and all the landing spots in between — recognizing each sharpens perspective.

Hence, witnessing the good, bad and ugly all wrapped up in the expressions of our perspective, many have wondered what individually, we can do now… 

“How can I be a positive, effective influence in my corner of the world — however big or small that may be?”

I suggest our individual next step comes via answering a harder question. Prior to sharing, allow me to encourage three intentional pursuits that are necessary first… that is, if we want to be both positive and effective…

One, pursue the different. 

This goes for all of us… What am I doing to learn about the person who doesn’t look like me? … who hasn’t grown up like me? … who hails from a different generation?… One of the more profound developments that happened for me personally this spring was that when COVID-19 hit, I felt inspired to learn more about race relations. I then read 7 books from 7 authors and angles — black/white, male/female, Christian/atheist, liberal and conservative. That was all before Ahmed Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. It’s amazing to me how God prepares us for distinct moments in time. Pursuing the different enhances perspective.

Two, pursue proximity. 

Books are great — movies, documentaries, too, although be aware of embedded, often unpublicized, potentially impure agendas. But if we’re going to understand another culture, ethnicity, or generation, we need to get closer to them… Who am I hanging out with? Who am I inviting to speak into my life? Is everyone I befriend just like me? Do they all look like me, think like me, or vote like me? … Pursuing physical and emotional proximity unveils the reality that different, legitimate perspectives exist.

And three, pursue wisdom. 

Who or what makes you wiser? Those who are historically considered among the world’s wisest are persons who have recognized that wisdom is not a one time accomplishment; it’s a journey. They also know that wisdom comes not from their own eyes. It comes from pursuing something more omniscient than us. That’s where the intentional seeking of the great big God of the universe comes in. Pursuing wisdom is vital, as it’s the only source that consistently implores the loving of all as opposed to the loving of most.

So what can we do? How can we make a difference? How can each of us be both positive and effective?

My strong sense is mere adherence to any media/social media screaming lacks effectiveness. I thus believe we must first answer a harder question…

“What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me?”

What’s it like? What does someone who hears what I say, reads what I write, sees what I do, how do they respond?

Does my behavior inspire and encourage?

Or does my behavior denigrate and discourage?

That’s a pretty sobering question… am I aware of how others respond to me? … what do they think and feel?

May we resist the temptation to argue it doesn’t matter how others receive us. If not, one could easily contend we don’t really care about effectiveness… 

So I keep asking…

“What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me?”

That’s enough to ponder for a day.

Respectfully…

AR

Hey, it’s me again. I know we’ve been talking a lot lately. Thanks for getting it. Thanks for the times you totally get it, even when I’m not doing any talking… or listening either. That tends to be more my issue. I’m not always good at listening and letting you direct, guide, gently nudge or give me counsel. Sometimes it takes maybe one of those divine two-by-fours to figuratively smack me over the head. Sometimes my passion or opinion — because I feel so legitimately, strongly — totally takes over. I know. You get that, too.

But wow… what a perfect storm… 

We were all secluded… encamped in our homes with local economies shut down, just beginning to reopen. Many lost their jobs or had them furloughed. All the spring pomp and circumstance was simply wiped from the calendar. My oldest’s college graduation… my youngest’s high school graduation… We had so much planned! We can never get those moments back.

It’s been almost as if these past three months have been too much to handle. I know that’s not true — but it feels that way. This has been one of the harder seasons of life for so many — as we were both physically — and emotionally — quarantined. We were burning to burst out. Thank God we burst out for something good!

The good?

Of course you already know. Nothing happens here that you are unaware of or have for some reason allowed. I don’t always get that; I know you could put a stop to anything if you wanted, but my pondering sense is you sometimes allow the awful to exist in order to get our attention. We can get distracted pretty easily. 

I feel like the globe has finally grasped the self evident truth that all men, women, children — creed or color — are created equal. That you show no partiality. And therefore, because you don’t, neither should we. 

That has been true since in the beginning. It’s also one of the things that drives me crazy about the current two party system… Each party devalues someone — they count some life as lesser. And the rest of us — because we are sincerely passionate about a singular issue or person or more — a like or dislike — even a hatred or love — we jump on the impious bandwagon. We make unholy alliances it seems, never taking the time to refute and dissect the unholy.

And while I understand that politics and government are tools you’ve allowed to create societal order, our politicians — just like the rest of us — are imperfect. They don’t always tell the truth; sometimes they lie. The end often justifies the means. They routinely hurl insults at each other, treating dissenters as enemies. They have thus ignored the impurity in their own. And it’s getting worse. 

That’s actually one of the things that’s given me hope this week…

The politicians weren’t leading; the people were. The politicians were finally listening to us — as opposed to simply expecting us to listen to them. I love it. This isn’t a black/white issue. It’s not a left/right issue. It’s a human issue. Our politicians have done us a disservice by forgetting that, and simply attempting to forge others to their partisan tribe. Sorry. That feels disrespectful. They want me to be like them. Lord, I just want to be like you.

My sense is that if we can keep the specific, political party agendas out of it, we can make a difference. The world can finally get that all have equal value… that all are created equal… that all are endowed with certain unalienable rights. We can’t leave out any of those aspects. Otherwise we will forget once more.

We need to learn to love each other. Truly. We need to learn to see as you see and think of absolutely no one as lesser. Right now, though, our friends who are persons of color are hurting. And everything I read about you is that you have a heart for the hurting. We have work to do. Where do we start?

Humble ourselves. Yes, that’s step one. Humble ourselves and pray. I hear the distinction; that doesn’t say “humble someone else.” It says to humble me.

That means no violence. That means listening. Learning. Lamenting and forgiving. Protests get attention; peace and prayer are essential. 

A tangent note, if I may… Every generation has its strengths and weaknesses; they aren’t so much right or wrong as opposed to how that generation has reacted and responded to the circumstances that have shaped their formative years. Today I give thanks for the younger generations… the way you’ve wired them with a care for causes and fearlessness has led much of the current way.

I know. You get it. But then, you always do.

You get us. Always.

Respectfully… always…

AR

My sense is there’s a lot of talk right now. Everyone has an opinion. 

Many want to tell us how they think. Many want to tell you how to think. Many others want to go bury their head in the sand, forgetting the year of 2020 and all its unprecedented peril thus far. Still more demand no one actually be allowed to bury their head in the sand…

“Speak!” we say. “Speak!”

But how do we speak in a society when we’ve become so poor at honoring those who aren’t like us?

My sense is we are pretty terrible at empathizing with the different…

… and loving our neighbor well.

No doubt part of the entire problem in our current frictional, fractious state is that most of us have selectively chosen who we will and won’t love. We’ve been lured into the foolish false reality that in order to love someone well, they need to believe, behave and vote just like “me.”

(Note: I have yet to meet any person who believes, behaves and votes just like me.)

I therefore find myself at a bit of loss today. I want to discuss our country’s current condition, but I’m also fearful we can’t handle the conversation. Why? Because we don’t actually know how to speak.

So I again humbly employ the art of asking questions. Remember: the question mark is the only punctuation piece which invites a response. Exclamation points — shouting — simply isn’t effective. Let’s instead invite others to respond and interact. Let’s each listen and learn.

Hence, 10 heartfelt questions…

(1) How did the cultural shutdown — staying inside for months — impact the intensity of the response to the death of George Floyd?

(2) How can a generation which has grown up on their phones and in front of their screens learn how to look another in the eye and have respectful, interactive dialogue?

(3) In social media’s society — a culture in which 280 characters qualifies as a conversation (up from the original 140) — how can we learn to actually listen?

(4) How come so many always point at someone else — what they need to change?

(5) Where do I need to grow and change? … none of us have it all figured out — right?

(6) Is it possible to believe each of the following:

a. George Floyd was murdered and the policemen responsible should go to jail.

b. When there’s police wrongdoing, there’s a lack of accountability in place to deal with such matters.

c. Mass protests are warranted and legitimate.

d. Looting and burning businesses are not legitimate and the persons responsible should go to jail.

e. Racism, implicit bias, and prejudice are harmful to American society.

(7) Am I justifying any of the above as lesser?

(8) How am I educating myself on the history of race relations in our country? Am I reading a variety of authors and perspectives? … from persons who are black, white, male, female, liberal, conservative, Christian and non-Christian?

(9) Where is racism individual and where is it structural? And if I’m believing only one or the other, why? 

And (10 ) Am I dwelling in an echo chamber, never being exposed or encouraged to empathize with one who is different than me? (… am I actually cutting off/out the different? Am I insulating myself from other valid perspective, forgetting that other valid perspective exists?)

I have more questions, of course; there is much to ponder. 

Note: we ponder in order to love our neighbor well. 

Respectfully…

AR