me

Sometimes it’s been me… 

Sometimes it’s been me who wouldn’t listen. Sometimes it’s been me who said I was listening but really wasn’t — I was just thinking of what I’d say next.

Sometimes it’s been me who was utterly convinced I was totally right… that I had the only right perspective… that only I had all the facts and there was little more to learn… and if another presented some other angle or contradicting fact, I simply assumed mine meant more.

Sometimes it’s been me who intentionally ignored the perspective of another.

Sometimes it’s been me who found comfort in the echo chamber. Sometimes it was me who felt more justified, better about myself, you-name-it because my likeminded friends all emphatically agreed and made the one who was courageous enough to share a minority opinion feel like it was only a minority opinion.

Sometimes it’s been me who had to have the last word. Sometimes it’s been me who justified the mic drop… feeling my words needed to be the ones that resonate longest. 

Sometimes it’s been me who got my entire story from CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC and then represented such as the complete truth. Sometimes it’s been me who was manipulated by the biased news. Sometimes I even knew it.

Sometimes it’s been me who’s criticized another. Sometimes harshly.

Sometimes it’s been me who didn’t actually cast the insult on social media, but was silent when the one I disagreed with was insulted. Sometimes it’s been me who justified the insult — maybe only in my head, but justified just the same.

Sometimes it’s been me who again didn’t say it, but liked the insult of another. Sometimes it’s been me who thought the word “idiot,” “stupid” or “bitch” at the end of someone else’s sentence was funny. 

Sometimes it’s been me who ignored the obvious dishonesty or exaggeration from the person I like where they stand politically. Sometimes even a president or press secretary.

Sometimes it’s been me who took the conversation too far. 

Sometimes it’s been me who has forgotten that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. 

Sometimes it’s been me who put boundaries on a relationship because of them, unwilling to examine my own behavior first. Sometimes it’s been me who actually ignored my own behavior. My wrongdoing, too.

Sometimes it’s been me who ignored the lack of integrity in the pundit or politician — especially when they made the point I wanted them to. Sometimes it’s been me who ignored the obvious playing of politics and political theater.

Sometimes it’s been me who assumed the radical fringe of the party stood most for the party… allowing a few to represent the many because the few were so seemingly outrageous. One can demonize the party faster that way.

Sometimes it’s been me who raised the intensity and drama — i.e. “This means war!”… “We must save our country!… It’s the end of the world as we know it!” — not realizing my emotions had again gotten the best of me.

Sadly, sometimes it’s been me who ignored the lack of integrity in myself. I ignored the hypocrisy, too, convincing myself I’m incapable of such.

Sometimes it’s been me who refused to say I’m sorry… or who embraced humility. Sometimes I’ve determined that that humility was more for another than for self. 

Sometimes it’s been me who failed to love another well… allowing politics to be more important than people. 

Sometimes it’s been me who felt the end justifies the means, ignoring the lack of uprightness in the means… also ignoring who it hurts.

Sometimes it’s been me who refused to empathize… who failed to love… who justified something lesser.

Sometimes, in all honesty, it’s been me.

Respectfully… and learning still…

AR