again, on the other side of me…

For the last five years a wise mentor has repeatedly asked me about the above, bold question. Not only has he asked me the question, he’s also stayed put for the answer. He didn’t run when he received feedback that wasn’t fun. He didn’t deny when he heard a response that was hard. There was no trigger to flee or fight. He craved wisdom. Growth. He thus has always remained present and asked sincere questions of what he doesn’t understand.

Help me learn more…

I’ve learned much through our frequent give-and-take process. It’s been so insightful, I’ve written much about it here. The question:

What’s it like to be on the other side of me?

I love the key behaviors embedded in the learning… staying present and put, not running, no denial. Asking questions of what we don’t understand.

The beauty of such an interaction is that it sharpens us both…

No judgment. No shame. No arrogance whatsoever.

I observe, too, a competing phenomenon — when we fail to be simultaneously bold and humble enough to ask the above question…

When we really don’t care what it’s like to be on the other side of us…

Sadly, we lose credibility. 

When we’re mad as hell and don’t give a damn, so-to-speak, in regard to what we say, how we say it, and who it hurts, the person on the other side of us makes a fairly firm conclusion….

They have no desire to be like us…

… think like us…

… or adopt any aspect of our point of view.

Who is attracted to the one who leads with judgment, shame or arrogance?

Who is attracted to the one who thinks they have it all figured out and only the one on the other side of them needs to grow and change?

And who wants to think like the one whose passions and politics have blinded themselves to the beauty of relationship? … community, too… 

Friends, there are a plethora of passionate opinions out there. This is true on all sides… from all 360° angles… maybe more. But let me humbly propose a tiny nugget of wisdom. When we engage and interact with judgment, shame or arrogance, the person on the other side of us isn’t all that thrilled to be there. When we drown out or demonize, the person on the other side of us has zero desire to be like us. In any capacity. 

We aren’t making a positive difference.

It’s thus been a sad couple of weeks. We’ve seen the echo chambers huddling; we’ve seen them even be blind to what they actually are.

What if instead of hanging out in insulated groups where we rhetorically bully the different, we instead asked questions of what we disagree with, don’t understand or both?

… What if we stated our opinions in ways that refrained from making character judgments?

… What if we processed perspectives without attacking another’s integrity?

… And what if we really were a tolerant people? Because let’s face it. We aren’t.

It’s been a fascinating few weeks, we’ve said — but fascinating in not necessarily a good way. It’s amazing all the people who claim to stand for something so moral and just — on all sides — but then turn around and attack another. Sorry, but my sense is that such equates to not being quite so moral nor just.

So as the discussions continue, maybe we should be bold — and yes, humble — enough to ask: 

“Tell me… what’s it like to be on the other side of me?”

Then respond with grace. Compassion and questions, too.

And then maybe, just maybe, we’ll each make a little more positive difference in the world…

Respectfully…

AR