right or righteous?

photo-1437623889155-075d40e2e59fRight or Righteous?…

That is the Question!

There are times in our lives when we feel as though we are in a refiner’s fire — those tough times or circumstances that refine — or seemingly purify — us… when, for whatever reason, it is as if every situation or interaction we find ourselves in brings about the same message. The message arises so much that you begin to ask yourself:

“Am I ever going to catch a break here?”

This is a picture of how my summer of 2001 was spent. At the time, I was on staff as a full-time missionary with Youth With A Mission – Nashville. YWAM is a non-profit ministry focused on service and training across the globe, that started over 50 years ago. My job and primary focus was to train and lead our college age volunteers as they led the youth groups. I LOVED my job! I was in my element!! I was doing what I love to do.

So, why in the world was I facing such confrontation at every turn? And from one staff person in particular at that? Everyday I found myself asking:

“What is his deal?”

Then, one day, after yet another head-butting, down right frustrating confrontation with this fellow staff member (did I ever mention how much I dislike confrontation? Well, I dislike it… A LOT!), a dear friend spoke these words to me and, still, today they resonate within me — especially in those moments when I find myself going head-to-head with someone and all I want to do is yell:

“I know what I am doing!!! I can take care of it myself!!”

Here is what my dear friend, Tiny, had to say:

“I know the things you have endured, but do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be RIGHTEOUS?”

Do we always have to be right? … or will we allow for our character to be carved and to grow?

Can we say ouch?!! That hurts the pride and the rightness of it all!

Hear this: there is no disgrace in being right. This world needs more of what is right and good and true. It is just in those moments the challenge becomes more real and true and honest.

Hanging with you in the fray…

Respectfully…

LJ

facebook arguments

wi9yf7kTQxCNeY72cCY6_Images of Jenny Lace Plasticity Publish (4 of 25)I saw this quote posted by a friend today on Facebook : “You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.”

The funny thing about that is it’s the third time this week I have seen that exact same quote. The first was on a bumper sticker, the second on a coffee mug in a gift store. It has me thinking that the Universe is trying to tell me something. I don’t think of myself as argumentative or combative. In fact most people who really know me would say that I do my best to avoid confrontation. So why me, Universe? Why now?

Why not, say eight or nine years ago? Back when social media was a pretty new thing for people of my generation and there was a presidential election in full swing. At the time it seemed like finally those of us who loathed confrontation had found the answer to getting our point across-just post it. I could say whatever I wanted because I wasn’t actually arguing face to face with anyone. Which also meant I didn’t have to accept ANY opposing opinions about anything! If I didn’t like what they had to say in response to my post I could just ignore it, or delete it or let someone who agreed with me go after them in the comments; it was a beautiful thing. Until it wasn’t any more… turns out Facebook confrontation are the same thing as real confrontations — go figure?

Those arguments I was typing with the distant relatives of my best friend from nursery school? Turns out they were actual people and not just dialog boxes, and the “discussions” we were having were being read and judged by all of our friends. And you know what else? The only opinions any of that critical closed-minded dialog changed were of me and the others who participated in it. No one suddenly changed their entire belief system based on a Facebook argument. Shocker right?

I know this because my small hometown has a Festival every summer. It’s the one time of year you can be guaranteed to run into old classmates and long ago friends. Every one comes back and what used to be three days of catching up has morphed into three days of talking about what you have posted on Facebook recently. And let me tell you, it isn’t nearly as much fun to apologize to someone for arguing with their Mom about immigration as it is to remember the time we hit a pig on the highway after the homecoming dance.

So without even knowing it, I learned that I didn’t have to attend every argument I was invited to. I stopped posting political pieces. Stopped commenting for the sake of starting up a fight. I weighed in here and there but I chose my words carefully and bracketed it with things like “respectfully” and “we don’t all have to agree”. I became mindful that, for most of my Facebook friends, what I posted was the only definition they would have of me. I don’t speak to many of them face to face. They don’t know how I live my life, that there is more to me than my posts and replies. And I didn’t want that to be their truth about me. I am more than just my political beliefs or my religion or my alma mater (though that one I still have a hard time not defending). I am a sum of all of those things and more.

And now another Presidential election is upon us. I know this because I live in Iowa and here things start getting revved up pretty early. We already have commercials and candidate forums. Editorials are being printed in our newspapers and opinions, lots and lots of opinions. And slowly but surely, those one sided political posts are starting to make their way into my newsfeed. I shudder to think how this one will go. After all, we’ve had years to sharpen our blades and our social media skills. How many of us will let our passion trump our reason? How many of us will lose friendships over words we type on our keyboards? Think about that before you hit post. Maybe you think it doesn’t matter, that if someone disagrees with your opinion you are better off without their friendship. But what about their respect? When did we become a country where people either agree with you or they are wrong? Maybe it was around the time we all started posting our opinions instead of talking about them in person.

Respectfully…
Jules

why we should all care about abortion

photo-1428699190791-2c4f8b144d06This is a post I’ve wanted to write for some time, one that brings abortion numbers into clear focus. One casting abortion into its rightful place among the various forms of violent death prevalent in the United States.

Unfortunately, there’s been a problem, one that has stopped me dead in my tracks on several occasions.

You see, I’m a man.

Conventional thinking among abortion advocates holds that a man has no business expressing an opinion on this subject. Abortion, the advocates say, should be between a woman and her doctor. In this view, it appears that a man’s sole role is merely to “support his woman” — emotionally, should she choose abortion, physically and financially, should she not. Otherwise, men are apparently expected to hold our collective tongues and keep our hands off of women’s bodies.

Of course this point of view implicitly concludes that a fetus is not a human being, and does not merit the protection that normally accrue to anyone qualifying as a person. Many pro-abortionists offer an alternate explanation of a fetus’s nebulous status – that “life” begins at birth as opposed to at conception (or at another, subjectively determined time in between) and that prior to birth it is simply a “clump of cells.” The pro-abortionist appears to base this argument on the belief that a child must be capable of survival outside of the mother’s body (as per Roe v. Wade) or even later before it actually achieves the rank of “unique, protected human life.”

I appear to be missing the scientific and moral arguments that underpin this position. It seems to me that identifying the “beginning of a unique human life” at any point in time other than when a sperm fertilizes an egg is arbitrary. Fertilization is when, after all, the stuff of creating a new, distinctive set of DNA actually occurs. Everything beyond that seems to me to be a stage of subsequent growth and development. Many on the pro-abortion side of this controversy appear to sidestep the question of when life begins. I saw one argument that asserted the “personhood” of the fetus was immaterial as long as it existed in a woman’s body, and until it was no longer dependent on her to survive it was her right to kill it. At will. The logic behind her argument – something theoretical about society’s right to dictate how a person’s body is used – was quite unconvincing to me.

If one disagrees with the abortion advocate’s viewpoint (and honestly, I have a difficult time comprehending how abortion advocates can characterize a fetus as “a clump of cells” or a “parasitic organism”), there is another, ugly, alternate name for abortion that unavoidably comes to mind — murder.

If one sees a fetus as a human life, then one must also see abortion as murder. And murder is a subject that no one — male or female — has any business ignoring. Religious beliefs aside, I struggle to see how any civilized society can advocate murder in any form (abortion, capital punishment or euthanasia). If someone does have a persuasive argument in favor of murder, particularly one as seemingly weak as the pro-abortionists “freedom to manage my body the way I want,” then why not extend that argument to include advocating the murder of young children? Any parent can tell you that children represent a substantially larger burden (mentally, physically, and financially) after birth than they did when in the womb. Why don’t pro-abortionists advocate for “child convenience killing?” After all, if human life’s beginning is arbitrarily determined to as a point between conception and birth, it seems an argument could be made to withhold the designation of “personhood” until a child can smile, right? Or crawl? Or speak? Or perhaps until they have a high school diploma?

We don’t make such arguments because we know they are wrong.

Of course, there are many wrongs in today’s world, all screaming for a tiny sliver of our attention. We know murder is wrong. And so is assault. Racism is wrong. As is cruelty to animals. So what makes abortion such a big deal?

It’s the numbers.

To illustrate my point, I collected data on various forms of violent and non-violent death in the United States from 2010 (the latest year with complete data). Here they are:

  • Criminal executions — 46
  • Murders – 16,539
  • Suicides – 38,364
  • Influenza & Pneumonia — 56,979
  • Strokes — 128,978
  • Cancer — 584,881
  • Heart Disease — 611,105
  • Abortions – 765,651

Based on the numbers, abortion stands out. It is the leading cause of death in the United States. Greater than the “great killers” of heart disease and cancer. Almost 50 times more common than murder. Four orders of magnitude greater than the government’s executions of criminals.

It is an astonishing total.

And although the abortion body count has declined in recent years – a desirable outcome, to be sure – it makes my heart ache to live in a country where the routine murder of the unborn is common. Abortion as the great moral crisis of our time. And I cannot remain silent, even if present day thinking claims that men’s opinions on this subject are invalid and irrelevant.

Men, don’t allow your voices to be silenced on this issue. A favorite tactic in today’s debates over anything controversial is to question your right to hold a belief, or to label your opinion itself as “bigoted” or (in this case) “misogynistic.” Toughen up. It isn’t okay to sit on the sidelines and dispassionately ignore our modern American holocaust, offering the lame excuse that “abortion is between a woman and her doctor.” You have a mouth and a keyboard, and the right to express your opinion over this moral outrage.

As noted Irish statesman Edmund Burke wisely said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

Respectfully…

TS

the bracketology of friendship

unsplash_5288cc8f3571d_1
As the final seconds ticked away and the buzzer sounded, a collective “crumple” could be heard from coast to coast. The crumple sound was that of brackets busted. Every March basketball fans both diehard and novice fill out their brackets in hopes of selection swag and bragging rights. Crumpled up paper aside, there is something joyful about a low seed defeating a top seed at the big dance.

Is it petty envy? Perhaps. Or is it our desire to root for and witness the success of the often overlooked underdogs? No doubt, it is a bit of both. Jealously of others and joy for others are both components inherent in human nature.

The seeding isn’t exclusive to March Madness. It is a ubiquitous part of our culture, particularly in the halls of high school. A lot of teens are grateful to survive high school with little drama. It is to be expected and part of the dance. But it is with an incredulous sadness to watch kids be categorized and put into brackets based on talent, looks, academics, athleticism and economics.

This bracketology became apparent when mentoring a young person several years ago. A very bright and socially awkward high school student to whom first bell through the ringing of the last bell was a daily torment. A lot of defenses (some not so positive) were built up. This student was a dealt a “low seed” by the self-appointed selection committee roaming the halls and cafeteria. Their bracket was even worse than “overlooked”; it was “undesirable.” Using coping strategies helped ease the challenging years. What was truly reassuring and exciting was the hope that in post high school and/or college, they would find their group of friends without the social mores of high school dictating their seed. Post high school/college begins a new chapter with a clean slate. As a young adult, this person flourished in college, joining organizations of their choice and embracing friendships and fun. Although a very challenging and desirable degree was earned, they were sad to leave college where they created their own identity.

Not only can the anxiety of the school day plague many young people, they are also faced with the scrutiny of well-intentioned parents. These high school brackets bare some self- examination by parents as well. All too often, we find ourselves trying to oversee the selection committee, whether it be for protection, well-being or even to live vicariously for their own “selection swag.” Are parents interfering their child’s independence and interests so they can have an acceptable seeding? Does this higher seed give them more happiness or pressure? It is their duty and prudent to protect them from harmful influences. Do they take it too far by directing their homecoming dance groups? Does a child being in a desirable bracket make the parents a higher seed? Do parents impede their child’s independence? All motivations included, it is difficult to know the right answer.

Ironically, it is often the overlooked seeds who soar after high school. They have already played in a tough game environment and are well equipped to take on a new road to the big dance. They don’t have to rely on their past bracket to define them. It’s a clean slate and they chart their X’s and O’s. In high school one’s friends are friends largely by circumstance — in college one’s friends are friends by choice. It is beyond the halls and cafeteria when all the brackets get crumpled. It is a time for the underdogs to dance.

Respectfully…

CK

 

Indiana’s RFRA and the Culture War

photo-1438368915865-a852ef86fc42For one week, from March 26, 2015 until April 2, 2015, Indiana found itself a battlefield in the nationwide culture war. Below is my perspective on the “Battle of the Indiana RFRA” from my vantage point on the front lines.

The origin of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act dates back 25 years to a 1990 U.S. Supreme Court decision, Employment Division vs. Smith. Two Native Americans in Oregon were fired from their jobs and denied unemployment compensation because they used the illegal drug peyote as a part of a religious ceremony. The employees tried to use the First Amendment’s free exercise of religion clause as a defense. SCOTUS ruled against them, declaring it was not necessary for the state’s drug laws to make an exception for acts done in pursuit of religious beliefs.

Congress was not a fan of this decision. In reaction, they passed the original RFRA in 1993. The law (42 USC 21B) states that the government shall not substantially burden a person’s exercise of religion unless the burden is in furtherance of a compelling governmental interest and the burden is the least restrictive means of furthering that interest. The law was introduced by then Rep. Chuck Schumer in the House, carried by Sen. Edward Kennedy in the Senate, passed nearly unanimously, and signed by President Bill Clinton.

In 1997, SCOTUS ruled in City of Boerne v. Flores that RFRA only applied to federal law and not state and local laws. As a result, twenty states passed their own version of RFRA, including Illinois, which passed RFRA in 1998 with the support of then State Senator Barack Obama. (Some have excused this vote by pointing out that Illinois also has an LGBT anti-discrimination law. They neglect to mention that the anti-discrimination legislation wasn’t passed until 2005.)

So what changed? Why would language that Democrats lauded only a generation ago now be vilified by those same individuals as bigoted? Obviously it’s because of a cultural shift in attitudes toward same-sex relationships. Traditional marriage advocates in Indiana tried to push back against this shift with the initial passage of a state constitutional amendment defining marriage as the union of one man and one woman, as was already defined in Indiana statute, in February 2014. Full adoption would have required a second passage by subsequent legislature and approval by a voter referendum.

It didn’t take long for that to become a moot exercise. The following month, three lesbian couples from Indiana filed a lawsuit, Baskin v. Bogan, in federal court for the ability to marry. In June, the district court ruled for the plaintiffs, finding their rights to due process and equal protection of law under the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution were being violated. In September, the circuit appeals court upheld the decision, and then in October, the U.S. Supreme Court let stand those rulings. Just like that, Indiana’s law was overturned and Hoosier gay couples could marry.

Which brings us to 2015. Now that same-sex marriage was legal in Indiana, attention turned to protecting those who did not believe in gay unions. Some legislators were concerned about events that had taken place in other states regarding the issue. In Houston, the mayor had subpoenaed sermons that area pastors had given regarding homosexuality. An Oregon bakery was ordered to pay $135,000 to a lesbian couple for refusing to make them a wedding cake. A florist in Washington was directed by a judge to provide flowers for gay wedding ceremonies.

The mechanism chosen to prevent such incidents from happening here was RFRA, which was top of mind after another SCOTUS case in 2014, Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, where the court decided that because of the federal RFRA, a privately held company could not be forced by the government to include coverage for abortion-inducing contraceptive drugs as a part of the health insurance provided to its employees.

When the bill was debated in Indiana, the discussion did not center on homosexuality. Examples that were cited in which the law would apply included a Muslim prisoner in Arkansas who was allowed to grow a beard contrary to Department of Correction policy and the Amish buggy drivers in Kentucky who resisted laws requiring them to place an orange triangle on the back of their vehicles and won the right to use reflective tape instead. The focus was on restricting Indiana state and local governments from infringing on the religious beliefs of individuals or businesses.

But what about disputes between two individuals or businesses? Different federal circuit courts, as well as courts in the other states who had already adopted RFRA laws, had come to different conclusions as to whether RFRA would apply to civil lawsuits. To avoid confusion, legislators amended the bill to clarify that RFRA could be asserted as a defense in a civil case, regardless of whether the state or a local government was part of the lawsuit.

I should emphasize that RFRA has never provided blanket immunity to those sued for discrimination. It simply allows for the defendant to raise religious objections as a defense. It would still be up to a judge to decide, according to the facts of the case, whether those religious objections are overridden by a compelling state interest in the least restrictive means possible.

This lack of clarity on the scope of RFRA’s applicability in discrimination cases was the source of its controversy. The bill’s proponents were motivated by a very narrow instance of a defendant (e.g., minister, florist, baker, photographer, etc.) asked to participate in a religious sacrament. Opponents of the bill feared a much broader application, such as companies refusing to hire gay workers, restaurants turning away gay customers, or landlords rejecting gay tenants.

Let me reiterate that prior to the bill’s passage, there was no outrage expressed about wider discrimination against gays and lesbians. It was not until after the bill became law the organized attacks began. To clarify, I do not doubt the sincerity of gays who were afraid they could be kicked out of a restaurant because of RFRA. Yet, I do believe that activists fostered these fears for political ends. These activists also used Saul Alinsky-type tactics to intimidate legislators. For instance, customers of the family business owned by one of the bill’s authors were threatened with boycotts if they did not sever ties his company.

After the bill was signed, Governor Mike Pence appeared on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. Stephanopoulos repeatedly asked the governor whether Indiana’s RFRA legalized discrimination against gays. When the governor declined to answer the question, it appeared that he was confirming opponents’ concerns that the law sanctioned broader discrimination. What he should have done is acknowledged that under very restricted circumstances, such as when a wedding service provider had religious objections to participate in a gay wedding, he hoped that a judge would not compel the business or person to do so.

Of course, all of that is Monday morning quarterbacking. In retrospect, there may have been nothing Governor Pence could have done to halt the avalanche of negative attention on Indiana. A false narrative had taken hold, “Indiana RFRA legalizes discrimination,” and with the help of social media, that false narrative had gone viral. It was frustrating that the perception of what the law did was the news story, not what the law actually did. Like it or not, perception had become reality.

Another thing which became very real was the adverse economic impact the controversy had on the state, and Indianapolis in particular, which is heavily dependent upon visitors to the area. Within only a few days, a billion dollars’ worth of convention business was cancelled and more losses were threatened. Furthermore, the lost economic activity meant less revenue available for schools, roads, public safety, and the like.

And so, a follow-up bill was crafted to limit RFRA’s applicability in discrimination cases. Only a church or religious organization and its minister/priest/rabbi could use it as a defense. That is not where I would have drawn the line, but there was no opportunity to change it. I did not relish voting for a bill negotiated with corporate leaders behind closed doors, but given that there was an economic gun pointed at Indiana’s head, there was little choice.

After SCOTUS’s Obergefell v. Hodges decision a few months later, same-sex marriage is now the law in all fifty states. Just as Roe v. Wade did not end the acrimony over abortion, we will be arguing over gay marriage for quite some time. As Indiana’s experience shows, the right to marry is not enough for some gay rights advocates. They want the government to force all service providers to participate in a gay wedding, despite the plethora of businesses willing to do so. (See last week’s ruling against a Colorado baker.)

What we should do instead is develop a “live and let live” legal framework. If a gay person owned a print shop and a prospective customer ordered 100 signs that said “Homosexuality is a sin,” should the owner be within his rights to refuse the business? Of course, he should. Why should the Christian wedding service provider not have the same right?

How we answer that question is the next battle in the culture war.

Respectfully…

Pete

our kids’ dignity

photo-1429277005502-eed8e872fe52When my dear friend AR asked me to write again for her, I honestly had two reactions. First, I was very humbled and honored, and secondly, I was at a loss of what topic to write about this year. After much much prayer, I hope this is what He wanted me to write…

I can’t tell you the number of moms (sorry, Moms; I’ve heard these things from you directly) I’ve talked to recently who are denying the opportunity for their children to learn self-reliance and responsibility. Let me elaborate, and please, please hear me; I’m sure there are times we’ve failed, but I’d like to think our boys are self-sustaining or heading in that direction.

I will give examples of “dignity squashers” first — then move on to the “dignity encouragers.” Let me give the exact definition of dignity so we’re on the same page. Dignity is pride in oneself, self-respect, self-worth. By not teaching our children life skills that evoke dignity, we as parents are setting them up to fail. If they don’t have the necessary life skills to move on, we are crippling them to be dependent, entitled adults. We as parents MUST have the goal of teaching our children to be dependent, self-sustaining adults. Therefore, they can have a family and home of their own. We all want our kids to be able to make it on their own — and be successful. However, I don’t think these moms are realizing they are doing damage to their kids and their future families.

Allow me to set the stage… It’s a middle school gym, on an abnormally warm February day. The gym is packed with parents, students, and two wrestling teams. It was warm in there; we were sitting cheek to cheek, and it was almost over. A heavyweight boy then took the mat for his turn to end the day; his effort was no match for the skill and experience of the other team’s boy. Our wrestler got pinned, and laid on the mat crying. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, the boy’s mom and sister came screaming, and tromping down to the mat from the top row of the bleachers. They threw themselves on top of him, screaming and wailing his name. I was mortified for the boy.

Another example is blurbs of conversations I’ve had… A mom is preparing for her children to start driving and begin thinking of college majors and desired schools; however, she won’t allow her kids to use a sharp knife.  Another mom is still ordering food, making appointments, pumping gas, making sandwiches, and actually moving to college with her son — because he isn’t able or prepared (or she doesn’t believe he’s able or prepared) to do these things on his own.

A girl my son dated, couldn’t make toast; she had never used a washing machine or dishwasher. I asked her why, and she said her mom said it was easier to just do it herself. Friends, please hear me; the goal of parenthood is NOT to make our kids’ lives so easy that they can’t function on their own. Does it feel good to be needed? Yes, absolutely. But trust me when you see your kid making and doing things on their own that are needed skills. That feels awesome!

Let me give another example of a dear friend that has had two major events in her life, that I have been awestruck at the grace and dignity that she extended to her son. My friend, T, posted they were elated to announce that their son was going to a well named college to play his dream of football. More posts came of him moving in and starting school; however, a short time into the year, he decided it wasn’t what he wanted to do and came home. There were other circumstances, I’m sure. How did my friend, T, show dignity to her son? She posted a simple statement that he was home from school, and they were seeking the Lord’s guidance and allowing him some space. WOW! I was astounded at the grace and humility she showed. She denied the possibility of any gossip to start and gave her son the dignity he deserved.

The same family, a short time later, found themselves in a potentially devastating position. Their son’s girlfriend became pregnant. As the mom of boys, I totally appreciated her difficult spot. What did my grace-filled friend do now? She posted another simple, loving, brutally honest statement. She said she loved them — and children are a blessing from the Lord; this child is no different. She made a beautiful, simple statement — and denied the stirring of gossip pots as her family moved on to honor God with their lives.

Here’s my last thought… Don’t dread your children growing up. Be excited for what the future holds, because you know you’ve prepared them. Reassure them that you will always be there to give them support to help in anyway, but it’s not your place to take opportunities away from them because you didn’t prepare them or couldn’t deal with life’s natural progression.

As always, it is my prayer for those who need to hear this to take it to heart. Those who aren’t ready to come to grips with this, bookmark it and come back to it after you seek His truth. I’m in no way insinuating I’ve always given my sons dignity in every difficult situation; however, it is what I strive for daily.

With Prayer… Not to Offend But to Enlighten…

Mama Wahl

all you have taught me

IMG_4052
My oldest daughter asks, “Would you write a guest column for my blog?”

Sure! …what to write about?

Her sister, Nicole, is on my mind everyday. Would anyone be interested in my thoughts?

Maybe… Let’s give that a try.

Initially there was a positive — a relief. Her pain was over. No more struggle with the… ya … all that. But what a void in my psyche! Immediately you get busy with all the arrangement stuff. Lots of support yet one day down, next day level. Then the anniversaries start as April enters. A month since she died — two. Another month brings the 35th anniversary of her birth. We would always celebrate at her favorite restaurant.

A father laments with the reminder of special moments, special thoughts, special sharing. For more than a year, every other week, early on Thursday, in the car to Iowa City Medical Center…

“How is it going today?”

“Not yet Dad. I need a little time.”

Ten miles down the road the conversation starts. There were concerns lifted, issues clarified, history reviewed, faith affirmed and assured.

I have three daughters and two sons, all to whom God has given special gifts. Nicole had some exceptional qualities like no other — beginning with her always present smile, a symbol of her attitude. All four of her siblings will confirm that enthusiastically.

A few years ago she gave me a gift that seems so appropriate now. It is a book along with CD called, “Something Worth Leaving Behind.” Inside the cover she wrote:

“To Dad — From Nicole — I love you! Thank you for all you have taught me.”

I listen to the music now… with tears, for she taught me so much more than I ever taught her. She taught me how to face stage four cancer in a way I don’t think I ever could. She taught me how to not give up even though the oncologist gave her a year. She taught me to live with a confidence in difficult times and offer her “I’m fine” to the very day before she died. Yes, she also taught me to believe in important spiritual and eternal things when the going gets real tough.

And as I reflect now, she continues to teach me more.

With Both Grief and Joy…
RWM

degrees of freedom

photo-1418225043143-90858d2301b4My husband, son, and I celebrated the 4th of July for the first time in three years last month. We lived in Switzerland as ex-pats while my husband completed a work contract. Returning to the United States just before Independence Day was significant in our eyes and prompted (even more) comparisons between our adopted and birth countries.

The differences between the two countries are significant in some cases, but more subtle in others. Of course, there are obvious differences in language, food, and lifestyle. July 4th and its celebration of independence brought a more subtle topic to mind: differences in personal freedom in Switzerland and the U.S. This topic has been nagging at me for a while. In Switzerland, the people tend to make decisions from a societal perspective (which sometimes limits personal choice) versus our very individualistic focus here in the U.S. I have been curious as to whether these subtle differences stem from governmental or cultural roots. It helps me sort things out when I write. So here goes…

Switzerland’s government is officially a Confederation or a Federal Republic. This is the same basic type of governmental system as the United States. Simply put, the countries are alliances of self-sufficient states (or “cantons” in Switzerland). Swiss citizens can call for a vote on any given topic if they garner a enough support from others. Or, in the case of the U.S., the citizens can lobby their representatives to vote one way or another or to introduce a new bill or law.

So, if the governments of these two countries operate in essentially the same manner, maybe the differences in personal freedom are cultural. Are the Swiss people raised to consider the effects of their actions on society before evaluating the effects on themselves, as individuals? I’m not sure, but I know now that personal freedom to make a decision for the individual absolutely exists in Switzerland, but it may come with a price.

On the surface, this societal way of thinking seems to have effective and even beautiful results. Environmentalism is promoted and encouraged by the Swiss government through monetary rewards. Cars are incredibly expensive to own and even more expensive to park. Even our apartment came with a 200 chf/month surcharge if we wanted an assigned parking place. There is a pecking order on the road: Walkers come first, then bicycles, buses, motorcycles, scooters, and finally individual cars bring up the rear. Fabulous rail and bus systems, protected mountains and land, clean lakes, and even cleaner food are the result. Swiss citizens certainly have a choice about what mode of transportation they use; they have a degree of free choice. They are encouraged, financially, to make certain decisions.

Swiss citizens recycle as much as possible. I believe this is done for environmental concerns, but also because of frugality. As the tale goes, the government urged its citizens to recycle for the good of the environment. The citizens didn’t respond to this request with a substantially higher rate of recycling. So, a group of concerned citizens called for a vote and implemented a new system that removed all trash bags from grocery shelves and replaced them with a government-made product, at a substantially higher cost. Oh, they’re great trash bags. In three years, I never had one break. One trash bag costs 1.70 chf or about $1.80 each. Compare that to the U.S. trash bag cost of 15 cents/bag, and it is clear that there is more incentive to recycle. Again, there is the choice to eschew recycling completely, but a person will pay a price (literally) for that decision.

Americans, on the other hand, have been educated about the benefits of recycling and other environmentally friendly actions. They are left then to make their own choice on the topic without immediate consequences. Many Americans make a socially conscious decision, but they do so of their own free will, without fear of financial penalty. No coercion is involved. No laws are in place. No pricey trash bags await them.

Many other examples of this idea exist. The Swiss believe in personal responsibility where the effects of their choices are concerned. Would you rather not wear a bike helmet while riding? Go ahead, but if you sustain a head injury and you weren’t wearing a helmet, the National Healthcare System may not be on the hook to pay your medical bills. You might have to assume full responsibility for them. Hate the idea of putting snow tires on your car in October? No problem if you don’t, but if you’re involved in an accident and don’t have them on your car from November 1st through April 15th, you may be liable for all the associated costs.

The Swiss also believe that children are best raised when their mothers stay at home. If a woman wants to continue work before her child(ren) are in school, she certainly has the right to do just that, but childcare is exorbitantly expensive; thus, many women stay home after their first child is born. The school day is also structured so that children go home for lunch. Most women find it difficult to hold a job that will allow them to go home for 1.5 – 2 hours during the day… another example of freedom of choice, but at a price.

America has a few population mandates itself, usually to promote population safety. Immunizations are highly encouraged and sometimes mandatory for school attendance. Car liability insurance is mandatory. Health insurance is becoming mandatory. Many Americans rail at these mandates because of the personal freedom that is subtracted from their lives. Yes, these mandates might promote a healthier and better functioning society, but Americans want the choice.

What are your thoughts? What is best in a society: personal freedom to choose no matter the consequences or personal freedom to choose with possible financial penalty if you choose the socially-selfish option? Perhaps a mix of the two is best.

Make no mistake. Our family had a ball living overseas. We traveled; we hiked; we skied. Of course, “work” was done in the usual sense. Steve did his engineer thing. I did my teacher thing. Our son, Sam, did his student thing. But other work was done, too… the kind of work that is really work-in-progress… an evolutionary process that no one really expected. Living in a different society opens you up to new ideas and perspectives… and sometimes makes you appreciate old ones.

Respectfully…
SLL

 

losing the art of friendship

photo-1436915947297-3a94186c8133What have we done?

That was the thought that went through my mind as I sat with a group of 8th grade girls. They were chatting about the usual teenage girl stuff: school, friends, and boys.

Then one of the girls commented, “My best friend and I were being silly, skipping to the school bus holding hands the other day. One of the kids at the bus stop yelled, ‘Lesbians!’ Now that rumor is all over school.”

“What did you expect?” said another.

This is not an article about sexual orientation. The topic I would like us to think about is the sexualization of simple expressions of friendship and the impact that is having on our kids. The American Psychology Association states that “sexualization occurs when:

* A person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;

* A person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;

* A person is sexually objectified —that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making;

* And/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.” (http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf)

Most of us are aware of the negative side effects of girls being over sexualized in regards to their male counterparts. (Click on above link for the full scoop.) Young girls are overly concerned about being attractive and attracted to boys, and now they seem to be dealing with relationships with female peers in a sexual context as well.

“You understand that being affectionate with friends is a totally normal things, right? It has nothing to do with whether you find that person attractive or not.” I said to blank stares. They didn’t believe me.

“When I was your age…” I started, then stopped when I got a group eye roll. My telling them of the good old days wasn’t going to help.

This conversation has been on my mind since and I have brought it up to enough teens and young adults to believe that their perception is a common one. And it made me sad.

You see, I do have strong fond memories of the girls I hung out with in 7th and 8th grade. These were the years of growth-spurts, first bras, periods and passing around books by Judy Blume. We leaned on each other for understanding and support, and laughed until milk came out our noses. At dances and skating parties we would be just as likely to partner up with each other as with a boy. Dance or skating with a boy had flirty overtones, but among ourselves there was none of that. We shared a close intimacy that allowed several of us to cram into a bathroom; one changing, one peeing and another at the mirror putting on her Bonnie Bell lip gloss.

Oh, we talked about boys, but mostly the unattainable ones whose Teen Beat pin-ups were taped to our walls. Most of our time together was spent making our own adventures: camping under a starlit sky, sleepovers that involved baking, making up dance moves and then crowding close to each other telling ghost stories, or hanging out at the local swimming hole. Our friendship was not based on being thin or fat, tall or short, curvy or flat. We were just us.

As we’ve grown up our lives paths and experiences have been as diverse as anyone’s. However, during those formative years when we were transitioning from girlhood to womanhood, our society and media wasn’t telling us that our physically displays of affection with our peers had sexual connotations. We were free to hug, touch, and run arm and arm. We were free to accept each other no matter how we were made. We learned how to be good friends, strong and reliable, and that love had very little to do with sex, but with our willingness to be there for one another.

I worry about this young generation who consider every relationship with their peers in a sexual context. I worry about their ability to be content, self-accepting and at peace.

Respectfully…

SBS

speaking at my funeral

stick-and-stonesDo you ever wonder what people will say about you at your funeral? No, I am not talking about the “she looks good”, or the “they did an amazing job” comments. I am talking about the real heartfelt comments that will come from your family or your friends — and hopefully not anytime soon. Have you done enough “good” in your life so that those chosen to speak will leave a lasting impression on those in attendance?

I watched the funeral of Officer Sonny Kim in Cincinnati last July and listened to the speakers and what they each had to say about him. How difficult it must have been for each of them to prepare their remarks because his death was so sudden, so senseless, and so tragic. Yet, Officer Kim created quite a legacy and left plenty of content simply by the way he lived his life.

If you, like me, didn’t have the good fortune to know Officer Kim in life, take the opportunity to know him in death. We can learn from his example and try to leave this community and city better than when we arrived. Make something positive happen from this tragedy.

No doubt, Officer Kim was an amazing husband, father, son, brother, mentor, teacher, and police officer. No doubt, Officer Kim touched and positively influenced many lives. No doubt, Officer Kim lived each day to the fullest. And no doubt, Officer Kim died a true hero.

In death, Officer Kim almost seems larger than life, a super hero, an immortal. In theory, it is fine for us to remember him in this way. We should. He deserves it. But in reality, he didn’t possess any super powers any more than you or I do. He loved. He cared. He displayed a genuine kindness to his fellow man. He was special. He made a difference. And he will be remembered.

Officer Kim didn’t make a conscious effort to make this world better; he did it by simply living his life. He didn’t care what race you were or what religion you practiced or how much money you had; he simply loved and cared about everyone collectively. Those that knew him, loved him. And those that didn’t know him, have come to love him in the days following his death. This has been very evident in the endless tributes and donations that have come flooding in.

If Officer Kim were here today, I would imagine that he would shy away from all of this attention. I say this only because his beautiful wife, Jessica, was quoted as saying, “you are doing too much” in response to all of the love and support shown to them in the days following his death. No, Mrs. Kim, we can never do enough to thank you and your family for sharing your Sonny with us — not only in life but in his death, as well.

He united us on a sunny, then, briefly stormy Friday afternoon in June. We were all Cincinnatians, Ohioans, and most of all Americans. We were supporters of the hundreds of law enforcement members who were a part of his funeral procession. We lined 17 miles of the city’s Montgomery Road with our American Flags, wearing our blue. It didn’t matter race or religion. It didn’t matter young or old. It didn’t matter rich or poor. We were there to honor Officer Kim and his family. We were one.

So, I ask you…what are you doing to make a difference? Do you go the extra mile? Do you take the time to enjoy the little things and/or little ones in your life? Do you go out of your way to do something nice for someone? Are you kind? Are you compassionate? Do you love? Do you care? Do you live — and I mean really live?

We all would like to think we would answer yes to all of the questions. I believe we would all choose good over bad at any point. But, if you are like me, we are constantly running by the seat of our pants. We have games and concerts and work and household matters. We have family obligations and school meetings and dinner to cook. It is hard to manage our time these days.

I challenge you to start small and do one thing each day to make this world a better place. Maybe just smile at someone, lend a hand, send a card, offer a hug, or take the time to tell someone how much they mean to you. It doesn’t have to be monumental, the smallest showings sometimes are the most memorable.

So, think again about who you would want to speak at your funeral. What do you want them to say? Reflect on this often. Start creating your content today. Be kind, be gracious, love all, care, forgive and forget, don’t judge, and laugh. Above all, go make a difference today.

Kindly…
LS