Author: AR

For weeks we’ve watched as the class of 2015 turned their tassels and attention from years gone by to all that’s ahead. Make no mistake about it; there’s lots ahead.

What a beautiful thing. Imagine… a clean slate… one to be freshly written upon… by the innocence of youth, surpassing the age of adolescence, as these fine young men and women now enter adulthood.

Let me first give a shout out to the parents whose road I’ve shared as we watch kid number one fly the coop… I have so much respect and appreciation for you. It has also been my absolute privilege to share this time together, cheering for one another’s children, celebrating the uniqueness of each individual child’s gift. What a joy and a privilege to celebrate your child!

I must admit, however, that I probably would not have been as sincere in cheering on your child if it wasn’t for the wisdom of Dr. Tim Kimmel. Over a dozen some years ago, I was so impressed by his Raising Kids for True Greatness, as it changed the way I thought… changed what I believed… and yes, it changed the way I cheered. Warning: the book is also, completely, anti-current culture — a culture that seemingly encourages finding worth in comparing ourselves to one another.

Kimmel challenges the reader to quit seeing life as limited; quit seeing opportunity as limited. We tend to see opportunity as created by man, and thus, there’s only so much opportunity to go around. That means there’s only one lead in the play, one starting QB, and one solo in the choir for the director to dish out. And when we fall prey to that line of thinking, we then also believe that if your kid got that lead or that start or that solo, then he or she took that away from me. If someone else has that spot or solo, there’s one less opportunity for me.

But when we learn to instead trust in the great big God of the universe — meaning we recognize that he is the creator not only of us but also of the actual opportunity — we learn that he allows people to be put in places that grow them best. He molds us. He teaches us. He grows us. And transparently speaking, sometimes I have grown best and most by not being the so-called lead in the play.

Once we trust God with the way our opportunities unfold, it takes all the pressure off to be congratulatory when inside, such is furthest from our thoughts; we don’t have to fake it. We can be genuinely happy for the perceived success of someone else’s child because we no longer see another’s success as negatively impacting us. We no longer see life as a comparison or competition. (Such is another beautiful thing… 🙂 )

One of my senior son’s “lasts” this past year was high school baseball. We have loved being a part of the baseball community. We have also experienced several special moments — complete games, a handful of one-hitters, striking out the side in a no outs/loaded bases situation. It’s been a wonderful time.

But one of my favorite baseball moments came in the final weeks of this year’s playoff season… his first home run… ever. And he smashed that pitch in a key moment of a game versus a rather intense rival.

The best part? Seeing his face as he rounded third and headed for home. He was grinning from ear to ear.

Did I mention that the proud home run hitter wasn’t my son?

It was an absolute beautiful thing.

Respectfully… with great joy…

AR

As the Intramuralist posts this week from literally, a mobile hot spot, there are certain persons who have caught my attention based on the wisdom, foolishness, and/or profoundness of their words…

“Please know I will never stop fighting for human rights and will do everything in my power to help and assist, whether it means stepping up or stepping down, because this is not about me. It’s about justice.” — Rachel Dolezal, Pres. of the Spokane, WA NAACP chapter, resigning after it was revealed that she lied about being black

“Dolezal’s crime isn’t that she wants to identify as black, it’s that she’s denying the plain reality of her past (and doing so because to come clean would cause major problems for her).” — Nick Gillespie, editor in chief of Reason.com

“No one should  be shocked that Caitlyn Jenner got pulled into the race-bending controversy involving Rachel Dolezal. Jenner was born Bruce and now identifies as female and is living as a transgender woman. Dolezal was born white and now identifies as African American and living as a black woman. At the heart of both stories is identity and how each chooses to present themselves to society.” — Jonathan Capehart in an editorial in The Washington Post

“All our Presidents come into office looking so vigorous. And then we watch their hair grow grayer and grayer. Well, I may not be the youngest candidate in this race. But I will be the youngest woman President in the history of the United States.” — Hillary Clinton, 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate

“If you distill what people are looking for now in a president, it is somebody who can govern and who thinks about them, and Hillary Clinton made a credible case for that, but they want somebody who is a truth teller… you can’t fake your way into the presidency.” — Bob Woodward, an associate editor of The Washington Post

“People have lost faith in government. That’s why 82% of the American people now think we have a professional political class that cares more about its power, privilege, and position than doing the people’s work.” — Carly Fiorina, 2016 Republican Presidential candidate

“I used to fight with this audience all the time, because we used to get the audience strictly from liberal sources, then we got the audience like from everywhere and I’ve had a much better time the last couple of months… [liberals are] too sensitive.” — HBO host Bill Maher

And this humble [oops] gem…

“I feel confident because I’m the best player in the world. It’s that simple.” — LeBron James, after going down 3-2 in the NBA Finals

Back to my mobile hot spot… I kind of like it there…

Respectfully…

AR

(FYI: This is not a sports post.)

On one hot muggy afternoon last week, I climbed into the stands for yet another baseball doubleheader. Such is not a rare occurrence. With three teenage boys — two who have played summer ball since the age of six — my inexact estimation is that they have been involved in an approximate total of 726 games these past dozen years. Sweating profusely in the summer stands is, well, just a part of the game.

What was unique about this day, however, was an observation made shortly after our arrival…

Typical of competitive teams, we are expected to arrive 60-75 minutes prior to the game’s starting time. In tournament play, there are often teams on the field, still in the middle of their game. Our team then stretches and swings and tosses and trains in an adjacent area, prepping for the game.

And so when I crawled sweatily in the stands, I was able to watch two teams I had never seen play before. I actually had never heard of them nor knew anything about their prowess or potential. In other words, I had zero predetermined opinions about the opposing teams. It was amazing how that affected my perspective.

(Remember: This is not a sports post.)

The game was tight… intense, perhaps — as judged by the emotion expressed both on the field and in the stands. It was a one run game, edging into the late innings. Then came the play that prompted my observation.

A speedy player on the yellow team stroked a great hit to the gap in right center. After rounding second, he decided to attempt to turn his easy double into a more advantageous triple. Watching all unfold, my immediate sense was that such was a poor decision (…however, for the record, no one asked for my opinion 🙂 ).

The fielder’s throw was excellent and online; these were two capable teams who made very few errors. As I expected, the ball beat the runner to the base. There was only one problem: the third baseman tagged the runner above the waist; infielders are taught to tag the runner low, so that the runner is unable to slide under the tag. The fortuitous runner was called “safe.”

Sitting amidst the red and black team — the team who was attempting to tag the runner out — let me just say they became a little verbose… quite loud, actually. Said the woman to my back right, “The ball beat him there! There’s no way he could be safe!” The clatter and cursing and screams at the umpire continued for some time, increasing in intensity, especially when the yellow team went on to score three more runs.

My observation was fascinating. Remember that I hadn’t made up my mind beforehand who was the better team. I hadn’t predetermined who should win. And so whether the runner was safe made no difference to me; there was nothing of me invested. I could thus assess the situation with an objectivity that I instantly realized was lacking in the stands.

It was clear that the runner was safe. The ball did beat him there. And while all the red and black team’s fans watched their third baseman apply the tag, what they missed was the runner’s foot touching the bag first. With all due respect, their objectivity was skewed.

I wonder… how often do we verbosely cheer on “our team” or “our candidate” — believing they are right or “better” — not ever recognizing that our objectivity is skewed?

(As said, this is not a sports post.)

Respectfully…

AR

I’ll be honest: sometimes I stink at submission.

(I’d like to write that I think sometimes we all stink at submission, but I’ll hold off on that comment for now…)

Submission means to willingly yield to the authority or judgment of another person. Perhaps part of the reason we — I mean “I” — sometimes stink at submission is because through various stages of life, I have misunderstood the concept.

I’ve gone through stages where I’ve equated submission with weakness… with something lesser… something oppressive… something bad or beaten down. Who among us wishes to actually embrace something bad or beaten down?

I’ve also seen persons who have misused their authority or judgment… like in The Bride, an adaptation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, when Baron Charles Frankenstein, commands his mate, “You must trust me, and you must obey me!” — and follows order number one with the added imperative not to provoke him either.

It is also true that too many have abused their authority or judgment… like an abusive husband or an oppressive slave master… like an elect who leads most by executive order.

We — I mean “I” — don’t always agree with the judgment of another. And instead of recognizing that submission has value — as we are sharpened by the insight and consideration of a worthy, experienced other — I allow my opinion and desire to trump all others.

Submission makes us listen. Submission keeps us humble. Submission holds us accountable. Submission reminds us that no, we don’t have life all figured out. My sense is that all people should be in some submission to at least someone else — most likely far more than one.

I speak not of blindly following the foolish, friends. I am more encouraging the give-and-take, healthy practice of asking another what they think… inviting their wisdom… welcoming their judgment… learning how to both follow and lead. The act of submission is the acknowledgement that none of us are the wisest persons we know.

And yet, we witness a society where we continually justify why not to submit; we constantly find a reason or flaw that keeps us from welcoming the authority found in…

… a teacher… coach… ump… referee… or the elderly…

… a principal… parent… policeman… priest… or president…

… or perhaps… we find a flaw in the God of the universe, who I have zero doubt is far holier than you or I will ever be.

Friends, I am concerned that in our efforts to not fall prey to those who have abused their authority and judgment, we have either consciously or subconsciously declared that we will no longer submit to a divine way of order. It’s as if our thinking is now greater than God’s thinking… our desires are more important than any desires he may have for us… our determination of what’s good and true and right is what’s right… and we declare our wants and wishes to be wisest and best because we are unwilling to submit to anyone other than self.

There. I said it… “we.”

Sometimes we stink at submission. We’re not always aware of the value the lost practice actually holds.

Respectfully…

AR

Why do we have to choose? What is it about society that pushes us to choose a single side? … as if all conflict is so black and white, that we feel so enamored and capable of assessing the complete, altruistic values of one side — and the evil endeavors of the other?

The push comes early in life — and — in seemingly, every arena. For example…

In sports, even though it’s supposedly “only a game,” it seems as if there is a push to identify one team as morally superior and simultaneously demonize the other. It’s as if in our preference for one, we have to find something that’s inherently wrong with the other. In our fandom, we get forced to choose a side — deeming one to be all good and the other all bad… whether that be in the NBA finals, NHL finals, or even on a summer, Little League field.

Sometimes, too, I see this so-called “side choosing” in friendship, relationship, marriage, etc. When a relationship ends, many of us near to the situation feel as if we must choose a side to remain friends with. Granted, there are times when one person intentionally, deeply harms another and is wholly responsible for the broken relationship; that’s different. But I will say that there have been times over the course of my life where I’ve felt it wise to equally honor, love, and befriend both involved in the broken relationship. It’s not always a sided issue.

Perhaps the current push to choose a single side is most prominent in the political arena. As one party seeks to gain an advantage over the other, they encourage us choose only them — and they want us to demonize the different.

It was just this past week that candidate Hillary Clinton said, “Today Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting.” And it was only two weeks ago when conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh said, “They misstated facts… They did that to get more guilt money to launder for their political party… that’s the MO of the Democrat Party. This is how Democrats work.”

Notice what they’re both doing? They are both attempting to build themselves up by tearing another down. They are both attempting to get us to deem one side as ultra altruistic — and concurrently, the other side as utterly evil. While undoubtedly we can believe certain policies adopted by one party to be wiser than another’s, to demonize an entire party and prompt us to choose a single side is a disingenuous technique with other motives in mind.

It reminds me of Rob Reiner’s 1995 “The American President” movie, when Pres. Andrew Sherman (played by Michael Douglas) faced nagging conflict from an opposing candidate. Sherman said his opponent isn’t interested in solution. Instead, “He is interested in two things, and two things only — making you afraid of it, and telling you who’s to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections.”

I feel as if time and time again, persons attempt to lure us into believing all things are a sided issue… like it’s black and white and we should be picking a unilateral, single side.

This concept has now moved into the social arena. Notice how currently, we are seemingly being pushed to choose a side regarding Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar family. Bruce has gone through transgender transition to become Caitlyn in a way that has invited and attracted ample publicity. The Duggars are a conservative, reality TV family, whose son, Josh, recently acknowledged fondling four sisters and a babysitter twelve years ago.

Friends, it is totally ok to have an opinion on each of these issues. It is totally ok to believe that a behavior or mindset is good/bad, pure/impure, or healthy/unhealthy and to respectfully speak out on these issues.

What I do not believe is necessary is to choose a side. There is no “side” to Jenner’s gender, and there is no “side” to Josh Duggar’s former fondling. My sense is that if we wish to continue with solution-oriented dialogue — if we want to wrestle with what’s good and true and right and what’s not — then one of our first (and wisest) steps would be to quit being lured into choosing a nonexistent, so-called side.

Respectfully…

AR

Over the weekend my son and I had a rather significant, extended disagreement. Before sharing some of the details, allow me first to fill you in on my ever growing, budding in wisdom, 16 year old…

JT is funny and witty and studious and smart. He is athletic and thoughtful and strategic and sharp. He is also still 16.

Being 16 (shhhh… don’t tell them this yet…) means there is much to learn. Finally possessing a driver’s license although believing for years that they already know how to drive, 16 year olds are on that brink of maturity — growing by leaps and bounds while straddling the spheres between teendom and adulthood. They don’t know as much as they think they do, but they know exponentially more than they used to. In a few short years, independence will come calling in the form of college or career.

One of the things I’ve always admired about JT, no less, is his keen sense of perception. He is able to interact with others, dialogue, and then quickly make some very insightful observations. He seems to always be soaking so much in.

On Sunday he wanted permission to go elsewhere. With school still in session and “finals eve” nearly upon us, I appreciated his request but respectfully denied permission. Granted, in between the teen/adult spheres is a lesson for parents, too, as we must learn how to both loosen and tighten the reins, depending on the scenario at hand. Sometimes permission needs to be requested — sometimes not; sometimes it’s totally up to the teen. Parents have to learn how to put increasingly more of the decision-making responsibility into the hands of our soon to be adult children.

So when the request was made, I was not harsh nor curt nor any other knowingly negative adjective. I simply logically laid out the reason why I didn’t believe his request was a good idea.

Almost immediately, JT reacted strongly. But instead of dealing with the actual decision, JT’s sharp, verbal appeal was all focused upon the decision maker… yes, me.

Instead of weighing the merits of my decision, he focused on what must be wrong with me in order to deny permission. “Something must be wrong… you’re never this stern… your logic doesn’t make sense… what’s wrong with you today?” In other words, as our conversation ensued, JT spent his energy focused on the messenger and not the message. The conversation continued for another 20 minutes; it was 20 minutes focused on what was wrong with the messenger.

Hence, the decision stood. I would not change my mind.

After a chance to sleep on it (and also, to put heightened emotion to rest), JT and I spoke again of the conflict at the breakfast table yesterday morning. I told him that I appreciated his request, but I was not attempting to be stern; I simply felt with only a handful of school days left, he needed to solely focus on academics. I also shared how I’m often willing to reconsider my decision — and perhaps I might have the day before; however, when he shifted his focus from the message to me, I was less willing to alter any opinion.

He and I then spoke of how this happens in society. Adults, too — even the seemingly most intelligent among us — when they don’t receive the answer they want, begin to attack the messenger as opposed to the message. They work to tear down the other person as opposed to wrestle with the other person’s dissent. In turn, the other person becomes more firmly entrenched — with an even lesser desire to listen, consider, or change their opinion.

JT waited a bit and then asked if he could apologize. “I’m sorry for attacking you and no longer considering what you said. People sadly do that all the time.”

Did I mention he was a 16 year old kid, budding in wisdom, growing by leaps and bounds?

Respectfully…

AR

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 

A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

As we pen a final post to those now formally entering adulthood, allow us to address a few more brief truths as you take these next few, albeit humongous steps…

First, there is a time for everything — every activity under heaven, every season under the sun. Hear me now: you will not enjoy nor desire each of these times. Every activity will not be wonderful nor every season incredibly joyous and fun. Don’t let me discourage you; that’s not my intent. My intent is to wrestle with reality.

Remember that enjoying and embracing are not the same thing. As you face life’s next chapters, the truth is that there will be seasons and chapters that stretch you beyond your wildest imagination — beyond where you ever thought you’d go or perhaps ever wanted. You have a choice in how to react. When the time comes to tear down or turn away, embrace the time; when the time comes to speak, speak — or be quiet, be quiet. Enjoying the season is less important than learning from the experience. The wise man learns and grows from the seasons that are hard.

Second — and don’t let me shock you — but contrary to perhaps your long-held belief (or some printed fictional, parenting mantra) — you cannot be whatever you want to be. I’m sorry; remember… we are wrestling with reality. Similar to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and that jolly old St. Nicholas, there are a few things we’ve told you that actually aren’t true.

It is true that you cannot be whatever or whoever you want to be (… just ask all those who keep running for President). You can, however, be all that God created you to be. Embrace your gifts. Utilize the unique wiring within you — the wiring that makes you distinctly and beautifully, uniquely you! Don’t compare yourself to another, falling prey to society’s hollow teaching that another person’s wiring or set up is somehow better or worse than yours. Simply embrace your own strengths and grow from your own weaknesses. Seek God first; seek his intention for your life. Then be who he created you to be, and do what he created you to do. Don’t compare your calling to any other.

And third (because this proud, reflective parent still has seemingly far too much to say), let me offer a rapid fire of final encouragement…

Love deeply. Offer grace generously. Never view grace and truth as opposites, as each can be applied in full measure. Wash your sheets. Don’t be selfish. Resist being quick to anger. Be fast to forgive. Be humble. Forgive again. And again. Pursue wisdom. Consider coffee. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. Separate the reds from the whites. Be charitable. Save some; spend some; and give some away. Don’t be afraid of sorrow. Turn off the XBOX. Chew with your mouth closed. Don’t think of equality with God as something to be grasped. Listen to the elderly; invest in the young. Bow and curtsy when appropriate. Show respect — in what you say and how you think. Remember that respect does not mean accepting as equally good and true. Remember that all things are not equally good and true. Know when to say that; know when to not. Open doors for other people. Look another in the eye. Use your napkin. Be discerning. Be aware that just because something feels good, it might not be wise. Be prayerful. Figure the faith thing out. And embrace each and every season shared above… embracing the time to laugh… the time to cry… the time to grieve… and yes, the time to dance.

There is a time for everything. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. Graduates, without a doubt, now is your time to dance.

With an extra tear in my eye and one more salute to those grads…

AR