courageous leadership

800px-thumbnailYesterday we witnessed something impressive… something courageous… something both humble and bold… something, too, we might miss if we’re too busy adjusting our partisan hats.

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley held a press conference calling on the Confederate flag to be removed from the state capitol. She said: “Today, we are in here in a moment of unity in our state, without ill will, to say it is time to move the flag from capitol grounds.”  Cheers erupted immediately.

For many, the flag is a proud symbol of heritage and respect. For many others, it is a painful reminder of oppression.

That pain was especially evident as we watched the evil unfold in Charleston last week. As stated by Gov. Haley: “We are not going to allow this symbol to divide us any longer. The fact that it causes pain to so many is enough to move it from the Capitol grounds.”

Haley led her state in the following ways yesterday:

  • She solicited the insight and input of both parties.
  • She listened to other people; she listened to her constituents, other civil, social, and religious leaders, and to the elect.
  • She allowed others to sway her opinion and was willing to change her mind.
  • She seemingly empathized deeply with both the black and the white.
  • She minced no words in calling evil, “evil.”
  • She did not shy from controversy.
  • She made and articulated an unambiguous decision.
  • She showed respect for those who may disagree.
  • She refrained from chastising anyone.
  • She put no focus on herself.

She also added: “In just the last few months, the nation watched our state go through another time of crisis when we dealt with the betrayal of one of our own in the tragic shooting of Walter Scott. South Carolina did not respond with rioting and violence like other places have. We responded by talking to each other, by putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, and by finding common ground in the name of moving our state forward.” [emphasis mine]

In other words, amidst a diverse people group, South Carolina has found a wiser, more productive, solution-oriented path of progress.

Then as Haley addressed this volatile, controversial issue, she added arguably her boldest truth yet in her call to remove the flag:

“We do not need to declare a winner and a loser here.”

Read that again. There is no need for a “winner” or “loser.” That is courageous, selfless leadership. It is bold. How many of our elect or elect-wanna-be’s choose such a unifying approach? … to tackle a controversial issue without declaring a winner or loser? … to refrain from labeling those who feel differently as ignorant, stupid, or severely misguided?

As I watched (and cheered on) Haley on Monday, I wondered how our country could benefit from more of this bold, courageous leadership… leaders who invite all parties to the table… leaders who refuse to make solely partisan decisions… and leaders who will never arrogantly chastise all who disagree. There stood Haley, along with 20 some others in obvious, full support — black, white, Republican, Democrat, partisan committee chairmen, and a former Governor. Each had something to add; each deserved listening to.

Friends, the Intramuralist has no plans to ever endorse a candidate — and it’s not that I’m some closet, huge Haley fan. But as so many of us get so tired of the elect and elect-wanna-be’s (from both parties) being so impure in their leadership and accompanying rhetoric, I found Haley’s response to the flag refreshing. And then when I saw persons from all sides of the proverbial partisan aisle also amen her actions, I thought, we need more leaders who exemplify what Haley courageously did today.

Respectfully…

AR

a city on our knees

11535877_10200532905721898_2173573534082001634_nToday is one of those days when my planned post was totally scrapped. I had written about the events in Charleston. I had written about the horrific hate crime and how heartbreaking it is to witness the intentional end to innocent life…

I acknowledged how as a nation we react. Our collective reaction was actually bittersweetly beautiful after 9/11… for even though still in shock, together we were determined to triumph amidst the ashes; hope and perseverance trumped all evil that took down the towers. I then talked about evil in my post…

My troubling observation was that while I understand the passion that wishes to ensure events like Charleston never happen again, I keep thinking we’re missing the bigger point; something’s off in us. I just don’t sense the underlying problem in regard to what happened in Charleston is gun control; it’s not about guns. It’s also not about racism. It’s about evil. It’s about evil manifest as racism and hatred.

I realize such is not a popular point. It’s ok. I get it. All of us want this violence to stop, and my sense is that such is the intention of the social media and microphone screamers (we all know who they are). It’s just that if we fail to wrestle with the bigger, underlying problem, we will stop and solve very little. That’s what my previously planned post was about.

And then last night, along with several hundred others, I went to a community vigil honoring Cincinnati police officer Sonny Kim.

On Friday morning, Kim responded to a 911 call of a man acting erratically in the streets. We would later learn that the call came from the erratically-acting man. He set the situation up, and before the call, he texted friends that he wanted to die at the hands of police. Before he then received his fatal wish, he first shot and killed Kim, who was first on the scene. Sonny Kim was a 27 year, decorated, respected veteran of the Cincinnati police force. He was the so-called “best” of the “best.”

In Charleston, a white man intentionally killed nine black men and women. In Cincinnati, a black man intentionally killed a man born in South Korea. The two 21 year olds were both motivated by evil.

At the vigil for Kim, the father of a good friend of my two oldest boys, significant emotion was rampant. But none of the reactions were divisive. There was no shouting; there was no screaming; there was nothing self-serving; and there was no pointing of fingers even at the one who committed the obvious, heinous wrong. In fact, one police officer who spoke boldly amidst his tears said, “It doesn’t always make sense. You can’t figure everything out.”



And I felt him saying, too (via my liberal paraphrase), “Don’t spend your time and energy trying to figure this senseless evil out. Instead, come together. Come together as one,” he said. “Humble yourselves, honoring Officer Kim in how you live and love one another now. Submit to God. It’s the only way life makes sense. When you submit to God, you will find the unity that moves us forward in a healthy and wise way.”

It was a bittersweet, beautiful night.

Today in Charleston, South Carolina, members of the historic Emanuel AME Church will reconvene in worship. They will acknowledge senseless evil exists on this planet, some things hurt more than ever imagined, and that God is still in control and worthy of our relationship and submission. For those who heard the victims’ families speak last week, we witnessed that beautiful, unified, tear-laced submission.

It’s tough. It’s also beautiful when we have the wisdom and humility to actually come together.

Respectfully… with a heavy heart…

AR

a beautiful thing

photo-1428954376791-d9ae785dfb2dFor weeks we’ve watched as the class of 2015 turned their tassels and attention from years gone by to all that’s ahead. Make no mistake about it; there’s lots ahead.

What a beautiful thing. Imagine… a clean slate… one to be freshly written upon… by the innocence of youth, surpassing the age of adolescence, as these fine young men and women now enter adulthood.

Let me first give a shout out to the parents whose road I’ve shared as we watch kid number one fly the coop… I have so much respect and appreciation for you. It has also been my absolute privilege to share this time together, cheering for one another’s children, celebrating the uniqueness of each individual child’s gift. What a joy and a privilege to celebrate your child!

I must admit, however, that I probably would not have been as sincere in cheering on your child if it wasn’t for the wisdom of Dr. Tim Kimmel. Over a dozen some years ago, I was so impressed by his Raising Kids for True Greatness, as it changed the way I thought… changed what I believed… and yes, it changed the way I cheered. Warning: the book is also, completely, anti-current culture — a culture that seemingly encourages finding worth in comparing ourselves to one another.

Kimmel challenges the reader to quit seeing life as limited; quit seeing opportunity as limited. We tend to see opportunity as created by man, and thus, there’s only so much opportunity to go around. That means there’s only one lead in the play, one starting QB, and one solo in the choir for the director to dish out. And when we fall prey to that line of thinking, we then also believe that if your kid got that lead or that start or that solo, then he or she took that away from me. If someone else has that spot or solo, there’s one less opportunity for me.

But when we learn to instead trust in the great big God of the universe — meaning we recognize that he is the creator not only of us but also of the actual opportunity — we learn that he allows people to be put in places that grow them best. He molds us. He teaches us. He grows us. And transparently speaking, sometimes I have grown best and most by not being the so-called lead in the play.

Once we trust God with the way our opportunities unfold, it takes all the pressure off to be congratulatory when inside, such is furthest from our thoughts; we don’t have to fake it. We can be genuinely happy for the perceived success of someone else’s child because we no longer see another’s success as negatively impacting us. We no longer see life as a comparison or competition. (Such is another beautiful thing… 🙂 )

One of my senior son’s “lasts” this past year was high school baseball. We have loved being a part of the baseball community. We have also experienced several special moments — complete games, a handful of one-hitters, striking out the side in a no outs/loaded bases situation. It’s been a wonderful time.

But one of my favorite baseball moments came in the final weeks of this year’s playoff season… his first home run… ever. And he smashed that pitch in a key moment of a game versus a rather intense rival.

The best part? Seeing his face as he rounded third and headed for home. He was grinning from ear to ear.

Did I mention that the proud home run hitter wasn’t my son?

It was an absolute beautiful thing.

Respectfully… with great joy…

AR

insightful comments (?)

unsplash-kitsune-3As the Intramuralist posts this week from literally, a mobile hot spot, there are certain persons who have caught my attention based on the wisdom, foolishness, and/or profoundness of their words…

“Please know I will never stop fighting for human rights and will do everything in my power to help and assist, whether it means stepping up or stepping down, because this is not about me. It’s about justice.” — Rachel Dolezal, Pres. of the Spokane, WA NAACP chapter, resigning after it was revealed that she lied about being black

“Dolezal’s crime isn’t that she wants to identify as black, it’s that she’s denying the plain reality of her past (and doing so because to come clean would cause major problems for her).” — Nick Gillespie, editor in chief of Reason.com

“No one should  be shocked that Caitlyn Jenner got pulled into the race-bending controversy involving Rachel Dolezal. Jenner was born Bruce and now identifies as female and is living as a transgender woman. Dolezal was born white and now identifies as African American and living as a black woman. At the heart of both stories is identity and how each chooses to present themselves to society.” — Jonathan Capehart in an editorial in The Washington Post

“All our Presidents come into office looking so vigorous. And then we watch their hair grow grayer and grayer. Well, I may not be the youngest candidate in this race. But I will be the youngest woman President in the history of the United States.” — Hillary Clinton, 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate

“If you distill what people are looking for now in a president, it is somebody who can govern and who thinks about them, and Hillary Clinton made a credible case for that, but they want somebody who is a truth teller… you can’t fake your way into the presidency.” — Bob Woodward, an associate editor of The Washington Post

“People have lost faith in government. That’s why 82% of the American people now think we have a professional political class that cares more about its power, privilege, and position than doing the people’s work.” — Carly Fiorina, 2016 Republican Presidential candidate

“I used to fight with this audience all the time, because we used to get the audience strictly from liberal sources, then we got the audience like from everywhere and I’ve had a much better time the last couple of months… [liberals are] too sensitive.” — HBO host Bill Maher

And this humble [oops] gem…

“I feel confident because I’m the best player in the world. It’s that simple.” — LeBron James, after going down 3-2 in the NBA Finals

Back to my mobile hot spot… I kind of like it there…

Respectfully…

AR

skewed objectivity

1607061_10203946030120587_3811066660253803737_n(FYI: This is not a sports post.)

On one hot muggy afternoon last week, I climbed into the stands for yet another baseball doubleheader. Such is not a rare occurrence. With three teenage boys — two who have played summer ball since the age of six — my inexact estimation is that they have been involved in an approximate total of 726 games these past dozen years. Sweating profusely in the summer stands is, well, just a part of the game.

What was unique about this day, however, was an observation made shortly after our arrival…

Typical of competitive teams, we are expected to arrive 60-75 minutes prior to the game’s starting time. In tournament play, there are often teams on the field, still in the middle of their game. Our team then stretches and swings and tosses and trains in an adjacent area, prepping for the game.

And so when I crawled sweatily in the stands, I was able to watch two teams I had never seen play before. I actually had never heard of them nor knew anything about their prowess or potential. In other words, I had zero predetermined opinions about the opposing teams. It was amazing how that affected my perspective.

(Remember: This is not a sports post.)

The game was tight… intense, perhaps — as judged by the emotion expressed both on the field and in the stands. It was a one run game, edging into the late innings. Then came the play that prompted my observation.

A speedy player on the yellow team stroked a great hit to the gap in right center. After rounding second, he decided to attempt to turn his easy double into a more advantageous triple. Watching all unfold, my immediate sense was that such was a poor decision (…however, for the record, no one asked for my opinion 🙂 ).

The fielder’s throw was excellent and online; these were two capable teams who made very few errors. As I expected, the ball beat the runner to the base. There was only one problem: the third baseman tagged the runner above the waist; infielders are taught to tag the runner low, so that the runner is unable to slide under the tag. The fortuitous runner was called “safe.”

Sitting amidst the red and black team — the team who was attempting to tag the runner out — let me just say they became a little verbose… quite loud, actually. Said the woman to my back right, “The ball beat him there! There’s no way he could be safe!” The clatter and cursing and screams at the umpire continued for some time, increasing in intensity, especially when the yellow team went on to score three more runs.

My observation was fascinating. Remember that I hadn’t made up my mind beforehand who was the better team. I hadn’t predetermined who should win. And so whether the runner was safe made no difference to me; there was nothing of me invested. I could thus assess the situation with an objectivity that I instantly realized was lacking in the stands.

It was clear that the runner was safe. The ball did beat him there. And while all the red and black team’s fans watched their third baseman apply the tag, what they missed was the runner’s foot touching the bag first. With all due respect, their objectivity was skewed.

I wonder… how often do we verbosely cheer on “our team” or “our candidate” — believing they are right or “better” — not ever recognizing that our objectivity is skewed?

(As said, this is not a sports post.)

Respectfully…

AR

needing forgiveness?

photo-1429032021766-c6a53949594fLast Friday evening, 12 police officers responded to reports of a disturbance at a gathering at a community pool in McKinney, Texas. One of the officers from the Dallas suburb was caught on a cell phone video wrestling a 14-year-old girl to the ground. At one point, he pulled out his gun, after two youths had approached him near his gun.

As said by the McKinney police chief, Cpl. David Eric Casebolt’s actions “as seen on the video of the disturbance at the community pool, are indefensible. Our policies, our training and our practices do not support his actions.” Note that Casebolt is white; the teen is black; and there were no sustainable injuries. Casebolt resigned on Tuesday. His attorney acknowledged the wrongdoing and expressed his apologies.

The reaction to this case is interesting. Some have called for Casebolt to be criminally prosecuted; some have questioned why any are paying attention. Some have called on “white people” to “wake up”; still others have come to Casebolt’s entire defense. I am continually struck by persons who are stuck in a single stance — who can only see one, typically emotionally-driven perspective. There are about 3,000 angles and aspects to consider regarding this situation; it’s not a simple, sided issue.

A couple thoughts strike me immediately… (1) the video doesn’t show all that happened nor all that was said; (2) Casebolt obviously overreacted; and (3) it’s amazing the power the free promotion of a YouTube video provides.

I’m led, though, to contemplate a deeper question. Clearly, Casebolt made a signifcant mistake. What should be the consequences? Does he deserve our forgiveness? And how do forgiveness and consequences fit together? I pose these questions in light of those who believe his resignation is not enough. Many believe Casebolt should never be allowed to be rehired. By anyone. Ever.

I understand. There are times in my life where persons have wronged me — even to the point of significant physical and/or emotional harm. Does that mistake mean the person responsible should never be allowed to function in such capacity again?

I’m wondering if the more insightful (but uncomfortable) bottom line today wrestles with the appropriateness of forgiveness. How does forgiveness play itself out? Does it only go so far? Are there places where people cross a perceived line, and forgiveness is no longer an option? And then, it’s as if we demand the right not to forgive…

We demand, for example, that Ray Rice never again play in the NFL because he hit his then fiancée (now wife); he should not be forgiven and thus lose his right to play. We demand that Adrian Peterson also be banned because he used a “switch” on his son.

I know these are serious issues, but what if people are sincerely sorry? … from Rice to Casebolt to you and me? Does that mean no second chances? And yet…

Many of us quickly forgave Kobe Bryant, even though he settled out of court after sexual assault allegations against a 19 year old girl. He is still celebrated in the NBA…. many of us quickly forgave Bill Clinton, even though he has been involved in numerous incidents of infidelity. He still is celebrated by multiple, political masses.

Friends, I’m not suggesting the Intramuralist knows who is and is not deserving of forgiveness. I am noting instead that we often demand that some are not deserving, but turn around, and generously offer it to another.

My sense is that offering forgiveness is always a better approach. While forgiveness does not equate to an absence of consequence, condemnation for singular mistakes does not seem wise.

Many times I have needed forgiveness. I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it. (I knowingly needed it, in fact, just last week.) But that lack of deservingness is precisely what makes forgiveness so powerful. Only when we are aware of how much we need forgiveness — and will continue to need it — are we good at generously offering it to others. Just my two cents… ok, maybe more.

Respectfully…

AR

the lost practice of submission

tlC8KhNJR0CA2xdomLfx_DSC_0358-2I’ll be honest: sometimes I stink at submission.

(I’d like to write that I think sometimes we all stink at submission, but I’ll hold off on that comment for now…)

Submission means to willingly yield to the authority or judgment of another person. Perhaps part of the reason we — I mean “I” — sometimes stink at submission is because through various stages of life, I have misunderstood the concept.

I’ve gone through stages where I’ve equated submission with weakness… with something lesser… something oppressive… something bad or beaten down. Who among us wishes to actually embrace something bad or beaten down?

I’ve also seen persons who have misused their authority or judgment… like in The Bride, an adaptation of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, when Baron Charles Frankenstein, commands his mate, “You must trust me, and you must obey me!” — and follows order number one with the added imperative not to provoke him either.

It is also true that too many have abused their authority or judgment… like an abusive husband or an oppressive slave master… like an elect who leads most by executive order.

We — I mean “I” — don’t always agree with the judgment of another. And instead of recognizing that submission has value — as we are sharpened by the insight and consideration of a worthy, experienced other — I allow my opinion and desire to trump all others.

Submission makes us listen. Submission keeps us humble. Submission holds us accountable. Submission reminds us that no, we don’t have life all figured out. My sense is that all people should be in some submission to at least someone else — most likely far more than one.

I speak not of blindly following the foolish, friends. I am more encouraging the give-and-take, healthy practice of asking another what they think… inviting their wisdom… welcoming their judgment… learning how to both follow and lead. The act of submission is the acknowledgement that none of us are the wisest persons we know.

And yet, we witness a society where we continually justify why not to submit; we constantly find a reason or flaw that keeps us from welcoming the authority found in…

… a teacher… coach… ump… referee… or the elderly…

… a principal… parent… policeman… priest… or president…

… or perhaps… we find a flaw in the God of the universe, who I have zero doubt is far holier than you or I will ever be.

Friends, I am concerned that in our efforts to not fall prey to those who have abused their authority and judgment, we have either consciously or subconsciously declared that we will no longer submit to a divine way of order. It’s as if our thinking is now greater than God’s thinking… our desires are more important than any desires he may have for us… our determination of what’s good and true and right is what’s right… and we declare our wants and wishes to be wisest and best because we are unwilling to submit to anyone other than self.

There. I said it… “we.”

Sometimes we stink at submission. We’re not always aware of the value the lost practice actually holds.

Respectfully…

AR

choosing a side

IMG_4529Why do we have to choose? What is it about society that pushes us to choose a single side? … as if all conflict is so black and white, that we feel so enamored and capable of assessing the complete, altruistic values of one side — and the evil endeavors of the other?

The push comes early in life — and — in seemingly, every arena. For example…

In sports, even though it’s supposedly “only a game,” it seems as if there is a push to identify one team as morally superior and simultaneously demonize the other. It’s as if in our preference for one, we have to find something that’s inherently wrong with the other. In our fandom, we get forced to choose a side — deeming one to be all good and the other all bad… whether that be in the NBA finals, NHL finals, or even on a summer, Little League field.

Sometimes, too, I see this so-called “side choosing” in friendship, relationship, marriage, etc. When a relationship ends, many of us near to the situation feel as if we must choose a side to remain friends with. Granted, there are times when one person intentionally, deeply harms another and is wholly responsible for the broken relationship; that’s different. But I will say that there have been times over the course of my life where I’ve felt it wise to equally honor, love, and befriend both involved in the broken relationship. It’s not always a sided issue.

Perhaps the current push to choose a single side is most prominent in the political arena. As one party seeks to gain an advantage over the other, they encourage us choose only them — and they want us to demonize the different.

It was just this past week that candidate Hillary Clinton said, “Today Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting.” And it was only two weeks ago when conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh said, “They misstated facts… They did that to get more guilt money to launder for their political party… that’s the MO of the Democrat Party. This is how Democrats work.”

Notice what they’re both doing? They are both attempting to build themselves up by tearing another down. They are both attempting to get us to deem one side as ultra altruistic — and concurrently, the other side as utterly evil. While undoubtedly we can believe certain policies adopted by one party to be wiser than another’s, to demonize an entire party and prompt us to choose a single side is a disingenuous technique with other motives in mind.

It reminds me of Rob Reiner’s 1995 “The American President” movie, when Pres. Andrew Sherman (played by Michael Douglas) faced nagging conflict from an opposing candidate. Sherman said his opponent isn’t interested in solution. Instead, “He is interested in two things, and two things only — making you afraid of it, and telling you who’s to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections.”

I feel as if time and time again, persons attempt to lure us into believing all things are a sided issue… like it’s black and white and we should be picking a unilateral, single side.

This concept has now moved into the social arena. Notice how currently, we are seemingly being pushed to choose a side regarding Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and the Duggar family. Bruce has gone through transgender transition to become Caitlyn in a way that has invited and attracted ample publicity. The Duggars are a conservative, reality TV family, whose son, Josh, recently acknowledged fondling four sisters and a babysitter twelve years ago.

Friends, it is totally ok to have an opinion on each of these issues. It is totally ok to believe that a behavior or mindset is good/bad, pure/impure, or healthy/unhealthy and to respectfully speak out on these issues.

What I do not believe is necessary is to choose a side. There is no “side” to Jenner’s gender, and there is no “side” to Josh Duggar’s former fondling. My sense is that if we wish to continue with solution-oriented dialogue — if we want to wrestle with what’s good and true and right and what’s not — then one of our first (and wisest) steps would be to quit being lured into choosing a nonexistent, so-called side.

Respectfully…

AR

jenner

a699942aBefore we attempt to tackle the topic the country’s been seemingly most talking about, let me repeat five recent, Intramuralist observations and encouragements:

  1. Love deeply. Offer grace generously.
  2. Show respect — in what you say and how you think.
  3. We are selective in whom we offer mercy and grace.
  4. Some people are harming all of society by silencing important debates, denying people the right to draw their own conclusions.
  5. If you attack the messenger instead of wrestle with the message, you will change no one’s mind.

I remember being a little kid years ago watching perhaps the first Olympics I’d ever really remember. It helped me place Canada correctly on my mental map, and it made Nadia Comăneci and Sugar Ray Leonard household names. 

It was also the first time I had a grasp of the decathlon. I learned the iconic names of Jim Thorpe and Rafer Johnson. And I cheered on Bruce Jenner as he scored a record total number of points and was crowned the “World’s Greatest Athlete.” If he ran again today, I would still cheer Jenner on.

Not that I need to update anyone’s status, but this week “Vanity Fair” released their cover story of the man previously known as “Bruce.” As the magazine implores, now “call me Caitlyn.”

Friends, hear my heart… While the Intramuralist shies from no subject, I was less than certain if I wanted to address this issue. I’m not sure we can handle it well. It’s not that I wish to avoid it, but I’m not certain we’re committed to talking about sexual orientation respectfully.

Too many are unwilling to entertain any kind of disagreement. Too many believe that if a person feels differently than they do, the other person is ignorant, stupid, or judgmental. I think too many people on all supposed sides of these issues handle themselves poorly. Sorry. I’m not attempting to be harsh here; I’m attempting to wrestle honestly with the issue.

I’m uncomfortable seeing people lambaste Jenner. I’m uncomfortable seeing people lambaste those who lambaste Jenner. I’m uncomfortable with all who immediately look down on others because of opposing opinion. Such puffs each of us up too much.

I’m uncomfortable with the reported amount of self-harm activity or suicides of transgender youth. I’m uncomfortable with the reported number of persons who still struggle after transgender transition.

I’m uncomfortable when we say we are tolerant of all things, but then we won’t tolerate the person who disagrees with us; we then contradict ourselves.

I’m uncomfortable with the selective promotion of only one kind of life that matters. I’m uncomfortable with those who feel they have to play the convictor of truth in another person’s life. I’m uncomfortable with each of us creating our own truth. I’m uncomfortable with being dismissive of the concept that God created us male and female. I’m uncomfortable with being insensitive that many struggle with sexuality. I’m uncomfortable that we each struggle with different things, and yet time and time again, we are pretty terrible at dealing with another person’s struggle.

A few more…

I’m uncomfortable with the idea that Jenner’s a hero — save that for the one who lays down his life for another. I’m uncomfortable with dismissing Jenner as being mentally ill. I’m uncomfortable with the massive publicity the Kardashians etal. have long solicited and craved. I’m uncomfortable with Jenner being considered a beacon of morality after “keeping up with the Kardashians” for that long. I’m uncomfortable with the fleeting desire of finding worth in eternal youth or external beauty. I often wonder where our focus is…

Most of all, I suppose, I’m uncomfortable with the fact that too many of these conversations seem too hard to have… because we forget the five observations and encouragements listed above.

Respectfully…

AR

messenger vs. message

iqlYdAAYQiaOCoKnT6jE_kabiaOver the weekend my son and I had a rather significant, extended disagreement. Before sharing some of the details, allow me first to fill you in on my ever growing, budding in wisdom, 16 year old…

JT is funny and witty and studious and smart. He is athletic and thoughtful and strategic and sharp. He is also still 16.

Being 16 (shhhh… don’t tell them this yet…) means there is much to learn. Finally possessing a driver’s license although believing for years that they already know how to drive, 16 year olds are on that brink of maturity — growing by leaps and bounds while straddling the spheres between teendom and adulthood. They don’t know as much as they think they do, but they know exponentially more than they used to. In a few short years, independence will come calling in the form of college or career.

One of the things I’ve always admired about JT, no less, is his keen sense of perception. He is able to interact with others, dialogue, and then quickly make some very insightful observations. He seems to always be soaking so much in.

On Sunday he wanted permission to go elsewhere. With school still in session and “finals eve” nearly upon us, I appreciated his request but respectfully denied permission. Granted, in between the teen/adult spheres is a lesson for parents, too, as we must learn how to both loosen and tighten the reins, depending on the scenario at hand. Sometimes permission needs to be requested — sometimes not; sometimes it’s totally up to the teen. Parents have to learn how to put increasingly more of the decision-making responsibility into the hands of our soon to be adult children.

So when the request was made, I was not harsh nor curt nor any other knowingly negative adjective. I simply logically laid out the reason why I didn’t believe his request was a good idea.

Almost immediately, JT reacted strongly. But instead of dealing with the actual decision, JT’s sharp, verbal appeal was all focused upon the decision maker… yes, me.

Instead of weighing the merits of my decision, he focused on what must be wrong with me in order to deny permission. “Something must be wrong… you’re never this stern… your logic doesn’t make sense… what’s wrong with you today?” In other words, as our conversation ensued, JT spent his energy focused on the messenger and not the message. The conversation continued for another 20 minutes; it was 20 minutes focused on what was wrong with the messenger.

Hence, the decision stood. I would not change my mind.

After a chance to sleep on it (and also, to put heightened emotion to rest), JT and I spoke again of the conflict at the breakfast table yesterday morning. I told him that I appreciated his request, but I was not attempting to be stern; I simply felt with only a handful of school days left, he needed to solely focus on academics. I also shared how I’m often willing to reconsider my decision — and perhaps I might have the day before; however, when he shifted his focus from the message to me, I was less willing to alter any opinion.

He and I then spoke of how this happens in society. Adults, too — even the seemingly most intelligent among us — when they don’t receive the answer they want, begin to attack the messenger as opposed to the message. They work to tear down the other person as opposed to wrestle with the other person’s dissent. In turn, the other person becomes more firmly entrenched — with an even lesser desire to listen, consider, or change their opinion.

JT waited a bit and then asked if he could apologize. “I’m sorry for attacking you and no longer considering what you said. People sadly do that all the time.”

Did I mention he was a 16 year old kid, budding in wisdom, growing by leaps and bounds?

Respectfully…

AR