Wow… fascinating the plethora of advice we find via the almighty search engine, especially most recently in regard to how to \u201csurvive Thanksgiving,\u201d noting all the different personalities and opinions that sit at one’s table. One editorial, no less, stood out to me. Why? Because its wisdom went well beyond a singular holiday. It encourages what’s good and right and true \u2014 and how for each of us, kindness gets easier with practice. Written by Donna Cameron in the Washington Post, with Intramuralist emphasis added\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cOn Thanksgiving, most of us gather around the table with people we\u2019re related to or who have become kin through friendship. For many of us, that table is also a minefield \u2014 just waiting to be detonated by political opinions.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n In our national political climate, nastiness has become an art form and escalating attacks on the opposition are celebrated. It\u2019s unlikely that the politicians will lead a call for civility. So, it is up to us to begin restoring courtesy and respect, not just in politics, but also in our everyday lives\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Science has determined that<\/em> both incivility and kindness are contagious.<\/em><\/strong> Like a virus, they\u2019re transmitted from one person to the next. If we experience rudeness or kindness \u2014 even if we only witness them \u2014 we will tend toward that behavior in our next encounters. So, we have a choice of which contagion we want to spread. It seems like a no-brainer, but a lot of factors can get in the way.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Button-pushing<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, someone speaks rudely to us and our immediate response is to throw shade back at them. After all, it\u2019s the people who know us best who know exactly which of our buttons to push.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Other times, <\/em>we\u2019re caught up in our own heads.<\/em><\/strong> We may be absorbed in our devices or our own internal drama, or maybe we\u2019re just zoned out. We don\u2019t see the person with arms full who is struggling to open a door, the car attempting to change lanes or the child who craves our attention. Maybe we think extending a kindness will take too much time or effort, and we\u2019re already feeling overloaded and overwhelmed\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Does kindness make us weak? <\/strong> <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Each time we extend a kindness, we\u2019re moving the needle toward a behavior that others might follow. Sometimes it comes easily \u2014 we pay attention and put forth a little effort. We hold a door, smile at a stranger, express interest in someone\u2019s life. <\/em>Each one makes the next time easier.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n But sometimes it\u2019s hard. Responding with kindness to a brother-in-law\u2019s insulting remark may feel like handing over power to him. We wonder whether responding to unkindness with kindness just rewards the unkind person, or whether they\u2019ll see us as weak and think they can take advantage of us. Is it better to give them a taste of their own medicine? <\/em>Most unkind or dishonest people assume everyone is just as unkind and dishonest as they are. When we treat them as they treated us, we reinforce that notion.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n While our kind gesture or ability to absorb an insult without lobbing it back may not change the unkind person, it doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re conceding the playing field to them. We\u2019re playing by our rules and being our best selves. <\/em>We don\u2019t withhold kindness until people deserve it. We\u2019re kind because of who we are, not who the other person is.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n How to avoid detonating the room <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In anticipation of family gatherings \u2014 the coming holidays, for example \u2014 imagine scenarios in which someone speaks rudely to you or disrespectfully to someone else. Think about how you might respond in a way that upholds your values and doesn\u2019t detonate the room. <\/em>Imagine not only the words you will use, but also the tone of your voice and how you might stand.<\/em><\/strong> Then stand that way. Speak those words. Learn what it feels like, and develop a comfort in that space. Knowing in advance how you want to respond makes it easier.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Another strategy is to be curious. Ponder why Aunt Sylvia acted that way. Maybe she\u2019s stressed by something you\u2019re unaware of \u2014 a friend\u2019s illness or money problems. Maybe this is her response to fear or vulnerability. Maybe she regretted her words as soon as they were spoken. <\/em>Can you offer her the benefit of the doubt? As soon as we acknowledge that we may not know everything, it\u2019s easier to respond in a way we won\u2019t regret.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n What if the person really is a complete jerk?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s still no reason for us to act like one. In fact, if we do, doesn\u2019t the jerk win? Just because someone else is acting badly doesn\u2019t mean we have to. It\u2019s hard. Offensive behavior may make bullies feel stronger or superior, but they are neither. They lack the courage or understanding to be kind. Something has taught them that kindness doesn\u2019t matter and they need always to appear to have the upper hand. That\u2019s their problem. <\/em>Our job is to live our values and to be our best self.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Try to seek the safest subject you can (weather, movies, sports) or excuse yourself and seek less contentious companionship elsewhere. Strategic moments alone are a holiday gift: helping in the kitchen, taking a walk around the block, scanning the host\u2019s bookcase, engaging in child\u2019s play. All are good ways to avoid the button-pushers and loudmouths.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Being kind doesn\u2019t mean being a pushover.<\/em><\/strong> If we encounter someone who\u2019s clearly malevolent or entrenched in hate or bigotry, the kind response may be to exit stage left. Arguing with your relatives who deny the Holocaust or, say, what happened at Sandy Hook just fuels them. You\u2019re not going to change their minds \u2014 not with logic, not with data or proof. You\u2019ll just be feeding their craving for attention and their desire to spread hate and divisiveness. Say something if you wish, but it\u2019s perfectly fine to just turn and walk away.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Most of our relatives aren\u2019t that way, though. That\u2019s something to be thankful for.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Think of the upcoming holiday as a precursor to a challenging year. One in which we might make mistakes, say the wrong things or occasionally lose our cool. We just need to remind ourselves that we\u2019re a work in progress and that we\u2019ll try to learn from each slip. We\u2019re working toward kindness because we want to and <\/em>it\u2019s better for our own health.<\/em><\/strong> It gets easier with practice.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Wow… fascinating, once more… Respectfully\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n AR<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Wow… fascinating the plethora of advice we find via the almighty search engine, especially most recently in regard to how to \u201csurvive Thanksgiving,\u201d noting all the different personalities and opinions that sit at one’s table. One editorial, no less, stood out to me. Why? Because its wisdom went well beyond a singular holiday. It encourages … <\/p>\n
Kindness. Better for our own health. Duly noted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n