{"id":12086,"date":"2021-10-13T08:12:54","date_gmt":"2021-10-13T12:12:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/intramuralist.com\/?p=12086"},"modified":"2021-10-13T08:28:22","modified_gmt":"2021-10-13T12:28:22","slug":"who-do-you-hate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/intramuralist.com\/?p=12086","title":{"rendered":"who do you hate?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Wow\u2026 thanks for stopping here. Thanks for reading. For realizing I\u2019m not perfect either, but still feel tugged to talk about an undoubtedly tough topic. \u201cHate\u201d is a word that repels us. We don\u2019t like it. \u201cHate\u201d is a word associated with other people \u2014 not with \u2018me.\u2019<\/em> Or we so believe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hence, before we wrestle with today\u2019s title question \u2014 who do you hate \u2014<\/em> examining what perhaps we conveniently ignore or believe \u2014 let\u2019s parse it out a little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two kinds of hate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of us are most familiar with the first one. It\u2019s hot.<\/em><\/strong> It\u2019s the one most obviously recognizable. It\u2019s the one we are quickest to call out in other people. It\u2019s thus the one that paves the way to believe that because our contempt is hot,<\/em><\/strong> there exists no hate in self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHot hate\u201d is downright disgust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s loud. It\u2019s clearly visible. It\u2019s the disparaging name-calling by our leaders \u2014 the rhetorical, insulting shouts emboldened by cheers. It\u2019s the one that flips off the driver who pulled in front of us \u2014 the one where we lay on the horn. It\u2019s the kind of hate that rants on social media. It\u2019s the generous offering of insult or argument \u2014 always directed at someone else\u2026 that person who gets on our nerves\u2026 that group of people who drive us crazy\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If it weren\u2019t for them, <\/em>I <\/em><\/strong>could succeed\u2026 <\/em>we<\/em><\/strong> could succeed.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In other words, \u201cI don\u2019t get you, so I don\u2019t like you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thus, we immediately think of another as lesser. And so we argue, honk, and sternly rebuke only them. Not us. Them.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then there\u2019s the cool<\/em><\/strong> kind of hate. It\u2019s a little more socially acceptable, especially in organizations believing themselves to be of higher ethical or social standards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCool hate\u201d is softer. More dismissive, maybe mockery. It\u2019s sarcasm and snark. It\u2019s the immediate rolling of the eyes when someone says something we disagree with. It\u2019s the satirical meme posted on social media to which we instinctively offer a gentle \u201clike\u201d or admittance of \u201coh, that\u2019s funny,\u201d convincing ourselves it\u2019s not really hurting anyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But yet it is. It\u2019s a sign of contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing that we oft finds ways to ignore said signs, we would be wise to look a little more inward. My sense is we\u2019ve allowed ourselves to believe that we don\u2019t actually hate anyone because we only employ the cool variety. As one who holds the Intramuralist accountable reminded me last weekend, I would respectfully but firmly contend that both kinds are damaging; both qualify as hate. We\u2019re not alone in that thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Note the fascinating expert observations of renown therapist John Gottman, as written by Arthur C. Brooks in The New York Times:<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCool hate can be every bit as damaging as hot hate. The social psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman was famously able to predict with up to 94 percent accuracy whether couples would divorce just by observing a brief snippet of conversation. The biggest warning signs of all were indications of contempt, such as sarcasm, sneering and hostile humor. Want to see if a couple will end up in divorce court? Watch them discuss a contentious topic \u2014 which Mr. Gottman has done thousands of times \u2014 and see if either partner rolls his or her eyes. Disagreement is normal, but dismissiveness can be deadly.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The point is that hate expresses itself as both hot and cold. We tend to justify the cooler of the two, but the problem \u2014 and what qualifies each to fall into the contempt category \u2014 is that both allow for the lesser thinking of another. Both justify believing that it\u2019s only the other guys who need to change \u2014 only someone else who has work to do. Or better yet\u2026 it\u2019s only somebody else who needs to realize they\u2019re stupid. Or\u2026 something worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So two more questions\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, humbly asking once more, who do you hate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And second, when will we realize that honor will always be wiser?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Respectfully\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

AR<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Wow\u2026 thanks for stopping here. Thanks for reading. For realizing I\u2019m not perfect either, but still feel tugged to talk about an undoubtedly tough topic. \u201cHate\u201d is a word that repels us. We don\u2019t like it. \u201cHate\u201d is a word associated with other people \u2014 not with \u2018me.\u2019 Or we so believe. Hence, before we … <\/p>\n

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