We\u2019re almost to the end of our annual Guest Writer Series, yet today will take a different tack. It\u2019s a serious topic. So instead of having today\u2019s author share her story behind the strokes of the keyboard, we sat down and had a conversation. This is the heartfelt story of the mother of a transgender child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Before we share her account, let me encourage you to listen closely. Please don\u2019t hear this as any fodder or fuel; it\u2019s not. This is not meant to weaponize any side of any political argument; it\u2019s not a political argument nor societal debate. If there\u2019s one thing I learned from my dear friend, Dee, it\u2019s that this isn\u2019t easy. For those who simplify the response and whittle down proposed parental wisdom to a mere \u201caccept it\u201d or \u201cput your foot down,\u201d they don\u2019t really understand what it\u2019s like; they don\u2019t understand Dee\u2019s story. Allow me to share more\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh, how I enjoy Dee. I asked her to begin by describing herself to our readers. She led with being an empath, compassionate, funny and an optimist. I love when a person knows they\u2019re funny! Such is indeed true. I would add engaging, discerning, and genuine. Dee is a highly intelligent woman who cares deeply. It is an absolute joy to spend time with her.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n She\u2019s been married for near 25 years and had 2 daughters, 2 years apart. The whole family was close. They had a solid upbringing, active in school, sports and the community. Dee was especially close to her youngest, Jaymie.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Dee raved about her relationship with Jaymie. \u201cWe were kindred spirits!\u201d And the glee and pride was immediately obvious. When asked to describe Jaymie, there was no shortage of words\u2026 Jaymie was also an empath \u2014 very sensitive. \u201cShe would cry over an ant getting hurt!\u2026 Teachers always said she was delightful \u2014 so happy\u2026 She loved Webkinz, playing house, and all sorts of animals. She was incredibly nurturing. Cuddly. Just a very sweet soul.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Notice how the description is entirely in past tense. Such is key to Dee\u2019s story.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n At age 15, there was no announcement nor bold proclamation. No big social media reveal. In less than a matter of 3 months, Jaymie went from proudly donning bikinis and a more stereotypical feminine attire to a vividly more masculine appearance, dramatically cutting off her long locks of hair, and shifting demonstrably, dramatically emotionally. Detecting something was off with their kid as she was obviously rattled, Dee and her husband lovingly prodded their daughter in hopes of discerning what was wrong. In the midst of the moment, Jaymie shyly uttered that \u201cI feel like I want to be a boy.\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n To say Dee and her hub were shocked is an understatement. They didn\u2019t even know what the word \u201ctransgender\u201d meant.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n They stayed present with their daughter \u2014 meaning they vowed to help her be healthy \u2014 whatever that looks like. They love their kid! But what happened immediately next is the foundation of the hard. This empathetic, sensitive, delightful, happy, cuddly kid immediately became not empathetic, not sensitive, not delightful nor happy nor cuddly in any kind of way. As Dee soberly articulates, \u201cIt\u2019s as if she felt if she was going to be a man, she couldn\u2019t be all those other things any more.\u201d She couldn\u2019t be who she actually had always been.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a weird feeling. Here\u2019s your kid. You love her so. You want what\u2019s best for her. But all of a sudden this being that came out of your body years ago decides to change everything about themself. Note: it\u2019s not just the physical; that they could deal with. For Jaymie, it\u2019s the emotional, spiritual and relational, too. The one-time kindred spirits were extinguished in an instant. Simply existent no more.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t trust her any more.\u201d We stayed on that angle for a while. The grief felt heavy. \u201cWe were so close\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n For 5 years now, Dee has been grieving the death of the relationship with her daughter. She has been mourning the loss of a child\u2026 a child who is still in front of her daily. Let me be very clear. The heart of Dee\u2019s grief isn\u2019t contained solely in her daughter\u2019s desire for a change in gender. The heart of the grief is that the daughter no longer believes in the unique sweetness of the mother\/daughter\/offspring relationship. Jaymie \u2014 now Jay \u2014 felt that must change. Men don\u2019t do that. Men don\u2019t show emotion. They don\u2019t have close relationships with their parents. Hence, Jay is distant. Jay is no longer emotionally invested in the family, even though Jay chooses to live at home.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s hard to hear Dee speak of doing life this way. Jay will always be welcome. But there is little to no relationship.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m embarrassed\u2026 what do I say to those who ask, \u2018How\u2019s the family? How are your daughters? Or even how many kids do you have?\u201d The simple questions aren\u2019t so simple anymore. It makes a person think what we routinely ask of others, having no idea what their daily hard is like.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Not one for comparison, Dee does acknowledge she routinely wonders what those who know think of her. \u201cI think people think I\u2019m a bad parent. That we did something to cause this\u2026 I don\u2019t want people\u2019s pity either. You never want to be the parent in which people quietly say inside, \u2018I\u2019m glad I\u2019m not her.\u2019 You don\u2019t know where people are coming from. You have no idea.\u201d Such has prompted Dee to become notably more private, although thankfully, she has a small circle of friends with whom she can escape and be real with. \u201cDon\u2019t do this alone,\u201d she says. \u201cDon\u2019t make it your whole life either.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s notable that Dee has multiple picture frames up in her home, but the store-bought stock photo often remains inserted. She can\u2019t put a photo of her family in it, as noting what she\u2019s lost, she\u2019s not sure she\u2019ll ever feel good about this. She doesn\u2019t recognize her family any more. \u201cYou have this constant internal monologue that your whole life has been a lie. It never goes away.\u201d And then she thinks about the future. Will they ever be ok? Quietly, soberly, Dee adds, \u201cHow can you make sense of the future, when you don\u2019t even know how you got here?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Sitting with Dee was indeed insightful. My heart hurt for her. She deeply loves her family. Her life is sadder now. It\u2019s hard.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n For her, every day.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Respectfully\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n AR for Dee<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We\u2019re almost to the end of our annual Guest Writer Series, yet today will take a different tack. It\u2019s a serious topic. So instead of having today\u2019s author share her story behind the strokes of the keyboard, we sat down and had a conversation. This is the heartfelt story of the mother of a transgender … <\/p>\n