{"id":3540,"date":"2014-08-04T20:25:11","date_gmt":"2014-08-05T00:25:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/intramuralist.com\/?p=3540"},"modified":"2014-08-04T20:25:11","modified_gmt":"2014-08-05T00:25:11","slug":"under-the-knife","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/intramuralist.com\/?p=3540","title":{"rendered":"under the knife"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"jl7052\"<\/a>At the age of 56, I find myself in counseling. No addictions, no marriage crisis or nights filled with sleeplessness, yet here I am going every other week to someone I hope can extend a handhold up out of the ruts where I currently reside.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A couple of years ago my kids started not so casually mentioning the idea of me seeing someone for my extreme emotional reactions. My frequent hurt feelings and intense crying never seemed over the top to me, but then I was blinded by my oceanic need for affirmation. When I felt rejected by someone, mainly family members, I fell completely apart. Even though I have been in some very stretching accountability relationships over the last 10 years and my personal awareness level is pretty high, I wasn\u2019t able to identify this \u201cgrowth area\u201d (a nice way of saying weakness or fault).<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The other thing that concerned my family was my physical fitness. My parents both led very sedentary lives, which affected their health in significant ways. Everyone wants a different outcome for me.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Like any good person in denial, I put off making that appointment for several years. But after going through two major surgeries to regain some physical health, it occurred to me that shoring up my emotional well being would be a good idea. I adopted a new mantra:\u00a0 \u201cI want to finish this life well!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So what does that look like?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I began to take inventory of my resentments. Who am I holding a grudge against and why? God showed up here in an unexpected way by prompting me to ask myself some very difficult questions, like:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was I getting out of holding on to this resentment?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat may I not be considering about this situation?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cHow did I want to experience judgment and forgiveness from others?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My counselor added more questions to ponder…<\/p>\n

\u201cHow was I nurtured as a young girl?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat triggers cause me to act like a hysterical child instead of responding as an adult?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy am I so reactionary?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

Part of me feels really good about this process of discovery, but the other part of me says it\u2019s too exhausting. I fight feeling defeated.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This lack of confidence carries over into my pursuit of fitness as well. I have a lot of weight to lose. How will I ever achieve this?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I need to envision myself differently. The invisible conversation bubble over my head says, \u201cBusy pursuing fitness!\u201d<\/i> The other day I actually bought fitness wear. Getting back to the gym is next. It\u2019s difficult to change the DNA of someone who loves reading, writing and knitting, but finishing well means adding movement and energy to my life.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cWanna to go for a walk?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Respectfully…<\/p>\n

CB<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At the age of 56, I find myself in counseling. No addictions, no marriage crisis or nights filled with sleeplessness, yet here I am going every other week to someone I hope can extend a handhold up out of the ruts where I currently reside.   A couple of years ago my kids started not … <\/p>\n

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