On the recent holiday, columnist Christine Emba wrote an insightful piece for The Washington Post. She shared that \u201cin between the flags and fireworks, such a major milestone is as good a moment as any to take stock of how our relationship is doing.\u201d And then she spoke of the deteriorating communication in our country. Utilizing the research and wisdom of The Gottman Institute, co-founded by married doctors John and Julie Gottman, and respected for years by the Intramuralist, I thought her application of the Gottman\u2019s \u201cFour Horsemen of the Apocalypse\u201d \u2014 communication styles that can predict the end of a connection \u2014 was excellent. Said Emba, \u201cThese four \u2014 criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt \u2014 spell death when it comes to interpersonal relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n
Death to our relationships.<\/em> What a sad state of society.<\/p>\n Emba continues in her analysis\u2026 (Note: please remove all partisan hats\u2026 know, too, that the added emphasis is mine\u2026)<\/p>\n \u201c\u2026 Unfortunately, today\u2019s United States has all four in spades.<\/em><\/p>\n Start with criticism: Making ad hominem attacks on a partner\u2019s character, rather than discussing specific behaviors. C\u2019mon, #Resistance: It can\u2019t possibly be true that every Republican who supports stronger border vetting hates Muslims, or that anyone who opposes federal funding for Planned Parenthood is a creepy misogynist bent on instituting a \u2018Handmaid\u2019s Tale\u2019-style forced-reproduction regime. Yet moral disparagement is too often the go-to stance. We\u2019ve all but abandoned the harder path of seeking to understand the real reasoning behind an opponent\u2019s views.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Then there\u2019s defensiveness \u2014 self-protection in the form of performed victimhood or righteous indignation. \u2018The media is lying about us,\u2019 cries the right. \u2018The news is fake, the papers are frauds, and all of them are conspiring to undermine us. And how dare reporters attack our president this way \u2014 have they no respect for the office?\u2019 But Russia might have interfered in the election; the president might be profiteering from the Oval Office. Instead of addressing the real problems at hand, we seek out someone to blame.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Stonewalling, when one listener simply withdraws from the conversation, is one horseman that has been at a full gallop for years. In 2009, even before Barack Obama was inaugurated as president, Republicans resolved that, in the words of one former senator, \u2018If he was for it, we had to be against it.\u2019 The policy held through two full terms. In 2016, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) blocked confirmation hearings for Obama Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland for an unheard-of eight months. A recipe for productive give-and-take? Not so much.<\/em><\/p>\n The most destructive of all is contempt: true meanness, statements handed down from a position of superiority and meant to disrespect.<\/strong> In marital relationships, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. In our national debate, it\u2019s become all too common. Hillary Clinton famously lamented the \u2018basket of deplorables\u2019 opposing her during the election; as the new administration moved forward on its agenda, one New York magazine analysis was headlined \u2018No Sympathy for the Hillbilly.\u2019 To many on the left, Trump voters are fools. A loss of dignity, autonomy and health care is exactly what they deserve.<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s an equal-opportunity problem, and, no, it isn\u2019t all about President Trump: Both right and left have engaged in the breakdown-inducing behaviors that have put our democracy on the edge of divorce.<\/strong> While the right has been the source of some of the more obvious offenses in recent years, these aren\u2019t new phenomena \u2014 and the fixes aren\u2019t, either.<\/em><\/p>\n Though the Gottmans were speaking to unhappy couples, their advice suggests a way forward. The antidote to criticism is to offer a critique of the specific problem at hand, rather than resorting to attack. To end defensiveness, take responsibility. Building a culture of respect can end contempt. Boorishness has an equal and opposite reaction, but breaking the cycle of anger requires that someone \u2014 from either party! \u2014 step up and take responsibility for change, even if the results aren\u2019t immediately apparent.<\/em><\/p>\n While a national political system isn\u2019t quite the same as a marriage, it\u2019s built on the same foundation: a commitment to shared values, a positive approach to conflict, strong communication.<\/em><\/p>\n Perhaps for our 242nd anniversary, we can trade a few horsemen for an attempt at harmony. Our relationship may be on the rocks, but it\u2019s still worth saving.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Amen and well said.<\/p>\n Take off the partisan hats, friends\u2026 as neither side is anywhere close to cornering the market on wisdom, integrity, and especially, communicating consistent respect to all.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Respectfully\u2026 On the recent holiday, columnist Christine Emba wrote an insightful piece for The Washington Post. She shared that \u201cin between the flags and fireworks, such a major milestone is as good a moment as any to take stock of how our relationship is doing.\u201d And then she spoke of the deteriorating communication in our country. … <\/p>\n
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