What do you lead with?
If there’s space between you and me, what do you lead with?
I’ve thought of this many times… if there’s space between you and me, something has to fill it…
If there’s space between a father and a son…
… between a husband and wife…
… between a girlfriend and boyfriend…
… between an employer and employee…
… between friends…
… between coworkers…
… between Facebook “friends” or Instagram “followers”…
What fits in the so-called in between?
What do you lead with?
One of my favorite sayings in the healthy community we have become a part of since our recent move, is that: “we will fill the gap with trust.”
That means when there is space between us…
… when I don’t understand…
… when I don’t know what’s going on…
… when my perspective is limited…
… when their perspective is limited…
… when we disagree…
When any of those things are between us, I choose not to fight… to offend nor be offended…
I choose not to judge, point fingers, or criticize… even when that’s easiest to do.
Let’s note that it is suspicion that leads to judgment and criticism. So do I fill the gap with suspicion… or with trust? It’s either one or the other.
Say the wise words of Atlanta’s Andy Stanley:
“We have a tendency to put suspicion in the gap. Patrick Lencioni, in the book ‘The Advantage,’ talks about the fundamental attribution error. ‘It is the tendency to attribute the negative or frustrating behaviors of colleagues to their intentions and personalities.’ So if someone does something to create a gap, this error leads us to believe that it is something that is fundamentally wrong with their personality or character. (He was late because he is lazy.) On the other hand, when we do something to create a gap, we attribute it to environmental issues. (I am late because traffic was bad.) You cut yourself slack but not others.”
[emphasis mine]
It seems to me we are living in a culture where many are encouraging the placing of suspicion in the gap; many cut slack only for self and the likeminded.
Yet wisdom calls us elsewhere; wisdom calls us to fill the gap with trust.
Granted, as Stanley shares, sooner or later, “Trust runs out. At that point, something has to change. Conversations have to take place sooner rather than later. If you find yourself driving home having imaginary conversations in your head with the other person about these trust gaps, it is time to have a conversation in real life. You need to sit down and tell the person about the existence of the trust gap and understand the cause. Lencioni writes, ‘When there is trust, conflict becomes nothing more than the pursuit of truth in an attempt to find the best possible answer.’”
I thus so desire the conversation.
I so desire finding a better way.
I desire deflating the intensity of the conflict.
And I desire filling the gap with trust.
Respectfully…
AR