Last week I had a conversation with my oldest son that was — well, allow me to simply yet transparently say — entirely unproductive. It wasn’t a serious nor significantly sobering topic; we were discussing what time his friends should be leaving on a school night.
Jake has some terrific friends. Yet regardless of the high character caliber of his closest friends, we disagreed by one seemingly, incredibly huge, exaggerated hour what time their exit should occur that evening.
When it was obvious that polar opposite opinions existed on this issue — and that his parents weren’t immediately nor automatically going to adopt his perspective — my talented, typically loving son resorted to a tactic employed by a multitude of 15-16 year olds: he criticized us. Loudly. Fairly harshly. My spouse and I became persons undoubtedly out-of-touch. And dare I also transparently repeat, “crazy.”
Pause. Take a deep breath. I have, and I did. I do.
I’ve concluded, no less, that one of the most important parenting skills we each need to develop is the ability to refrain from matching our children’s reaction. Whether it’s matching the fluent tears of a toddler’s fear of first stitches or matching a teen who articulates abundant insult, the parent must always choose instead to model the appropriate emotion… bravery to that toddler… and yes, respect to a disrespectful teen. We can’t expect our toddler to be brave nor our teen to be respectful when our response compares so similarly to their initial, often immature action.
As I later processed my son’s response, I was once again hit over the head with one of those obvious, potentially-divine two-by-fours. My son called me “crazy.” It was an emotional response. But he did it because he disagreed with me.
The “a-ha”?
How many times have young people seen otherwise intelligent adults articulate insult of another simply because they disagree?
Watch adults.
Watch Washington.
Watch Congress.
Watch the President.
Watch people on and off TV…
Celebrities. Parents. Athletes. You and me.
What do we do when we disagree? What do even intelligent adults do?
Instead of working tenaciously to understand — and offering the grace and respect that opposing opinion deserves — intelligent people criticize… fairly harshly… loudly; they call the possessors of the opposing opinion out-of-touch. Sometimes they even call them crazy.
Not everyone who thinks differently than you and me is bad or mean or evil — or even — necessarily — wrong. Not everyone who thinks differently than the President nor Congress nor your local legislator is bad/mean/evil/wrong either. But yet, each of the above — each of us — no matter our individual intelligence — at times resorts to criticism in place of the tenacious seeking of comprehension. Once again, wisdom and intelligence are two totally, different things.
The reason our 15-16 year olds (and feel free to add any age here) sometimes criticize others when agreement is lacking is because they’ve seen the adults who’ve gone before them do the exact same thing.
Crazy.
Respectfully,
AR
A poingnant portrayal of life and current events.
Well said! I struggle daily to respond to my children’s disrepect in a respectful and mature manner! I need to print this off and post all over my home!