intramuralist ™

“War itself is, of course, a form of madness. It’s hardly a civilized pursuit. It’s amazing how we spend so much time inventing devices to kill each other and so little time working on how to achieve peace.” — Walter Cronkite

While I do believe there is a time for everything — a season, time for every activity under heaven — clearly not every war is a just war; most indeed seem not. Most seem more that crazy, despicable form of madness.

Such no doubt is the case with Russia invading Ukraine in 2022, starting the largest and deadliest war in Europe since World War II. There was no just cause; it wasn’t a last resort; and there was zero right intention.

There have been tens of thousands of civilian casualties, with several thousand being children. I must admit, I appreciated Melania Trump’s letter to Vladimir Putin last week, imploring the Russian President in “protecting the innocence of these children.”

Hence, the watching world seems felicitously unified in our number one desire here being we want this war to stop. We want it over. No more killing. We want to work more on achieving peace in Eastern Europe than extending the brutal bloodshed.

But as we’ve witnessed these past three and a half years, it’s not all that easy to stop and solve. Hear from USC professors Robert English and Steve Swerdlow, each international relations experts with personal experience in the region. 

Question: what are the biggest barriers to peace:

English: “Neither side is willing to end the war on terms that are acceptable to the other side. Ukraine will not agree to renounce NATO membership and still insists on reclaiming all its lost territories, including Crimea. Russia rejects both of those positions and insists on sweeping political changes in Kyiv. So, until the costs of continuing the fighting grow high enough that one or both changes these positions, the war will continue.”

Swerdlow: “Putin has turned this war into an existential fight for his own imperialist legacy, making it increasingly difficult for him to concede without appearing defeated. He has made clear that his intentions in this war are to subjugate Ukraine, deprive it of sovereignty, prevent it from having the right to join NATO. Even a temporary ceasefire is unlikely to satisfy the Kremlin’s revanchist desire to expand its imperial reach. The best outcome for both Russia and Ukraine is one that reaffirms the principles at the heart of our international system: territorial integrity, sovereignty, and democracy. That would require Russia’s withdrawal of forces from Ukraine’s internationally recognized territory and a commitment to avoid threatening future invasion.”

Clearly, achieving peace is not easy. And nothing the US or European leaders have done thus far has been lastingly effective.

I thus find it fascinating all those who feel so emboldened in their Monday morning or Saturday night quarterbacking, so-to-speak, believing that this should be done or that should be done or this should have gone this way and that, that way. He should have done this. He shouldn’t have done that. And we spend most of our time criticizing the playbooks of the peacemakers. 

Perhaps an unpopular perch, but this semi-humble, current events blogger firmly believes that if the Biden administration knew how to solve the conflict and bring about peace, they would have done so. If the Trump administration knows how to solve the conflict and bring about peace, they will do so. No doubt significant time and multiple steps are necessary. It is clearly complicated.

And so with that onerous reality, I attempt to do and encourage three things in response…

Recognize that each administration knows more than me. My position and perspective is way too far away.

Refrain from criticizing each step in the playbook, like I somehow am empowered to know what’s best, most effective and appropriate.

And most importantly, in this reality, keep praying for those thousands of kids.

Respectfully…

AR

People indeed have wild imaginations. Hence, the creation of the conspiracy theory.

A conspiracy theory is an idea, often challenging the mainstream or official explanation of a situation, that typically involves an alleged secret plot by powerful individuals or groups, believed to be manipulating events behind the scenes. My sense is we’re currently seeing a lot of them.

“With social media and the 24 hour news cycle,” writes Dr. Shauna Bowes for the American Psychological Association, “You can be exposed to misinformation and conspiracy theories much more than in the past,”

In recent weeks alone, for example, it’s infiltrated my news that Pres. Donald Trump wasn’t really shot at in Butler, PA last summer; he had fake blood in his mouth. And that the wife of French Pres. Emmanuel Macron was actually born as a biological man.

The things that make you go hmmmm…

While the above two may qualify as a bit of an ad absurdum approach, our list of longstanding, potentially plausible conspiracies is long. Conspiracy theories have been rampant for years. For example…

The Assassination of John F. Kennedy: Despite investigations, some people still believe that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone and that the CIA or other groups were involved. With all sorts of conspiratorial angles evolving, it didn’t help that Oswald was himself murdered two days after killing the President.

The Moon Landing Hoax: Some individuals contend that the 1969 Apollo 11 moon landing was faked by the US government, with the footage actually shot on a Hollywood set. All sorts of creative analysis includes the supposedly flapping flag and lack of stars in the sky.

9/11 Conspiracy Theories: These theories propose that the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon were orchestrated by the U.S. government or that the buildings were in reality, brought down by controlled demolition.

Princess Diana’s Death: The unexpected death of the beloved Princess Diana in 1997 in a car crash fueled speculation about a conspiracy involving the British monarchy or intelligence agencies. Theorists suggest the royal family wanted to prevent her from marrying the Muslim man she was dating at the time and potentially carrying his child.

Flat Earth Theory: This active belief asserts that the Earth is a flat disc rather than a sphere. For the record, the “Flat Earth Society” has over 145,000 members on Facebook today. (Can someone please let me know if anyone falls off??)

But it makes me wonder, with absolute respect to all people, including those 145K above, what makes us prone to belief in conspiracy? What makes us likely to adopt something other than the accepted status quo? Note that according to research presented by the National Institute of Health (NIH), over half of Americans believe that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone. Thus we ask, what is it that makes us believe what we’ve been told is untrue?

The NIH provides more analysis, suggesting that conspiracy theories come from many motives.  Sometimes we find the conspiracy more appealing. Some, too, possess personality traits that are more aligned with acceptance of the conspiracy. Bowes identifies these as “tendencies to perceive threat and danger, having sort of ‘odd’ beliefs and experiences, relying on intuition, and being antagonistic and superior.”

The reality is that conspiracy theories have always existed, will continue to exist, and aren’t all created equal. We hear them today wresting with Epstein, Covid, Soros and more. How do we know what’s true? Better yet, how do we guard against getting sucked in to that which isn’t true?

Seek evidence — not claims. Watch tone and style; is the presentation balanced and fair or sensationalist and one-dimensional? Scrutinize the source. Does the proclaimer suggest he has the only valid truth? Watch how emotional we become. Be educated. Utilize diverse resources. Look for motive. Beware of drastic leaps in logic. Say prayers for wisdom and discernment, and let our hearts not be rattled.

Lots to think about. Still waiting for that person who falls off the Earth.

Respectfully…

AR

This week got me thinking. Is there anyone we wouldn’t sit down with?

Let’s try it another way…

Is there anyone we’d be unwilling to sit down with, have a cup of coffee, wine, you name it? Is there anyone we’d be unwilling to have a conversation with?

Note I speak not of being reluctant, hesitant or even unenthusiastic. There are perhaps several for each of us for whom we’d have to think twice, maybe three times, being especially intentional about any conversation beforehand.

But therein lies the difference. 

I wouldn’t have happy-go-lucky, act-like-all-is-well-and-wonderful conversations with all people. Because it’s not. 

I wouldn’t refrain from drawing necessary boundaries, as not all conversations are appropriate with all people. Boundaries are healthy and wise.

But I speak of being absolutely unwilling — meaning “I will not… I refuse… I would never do that” — in regard to sitting with and taking the time, doing the work to understand another person. That’s the key.

For years we’ve seen the convenient cry from the keyboard warrior in how disagreement serves as warrantable reason for the expressed unwillingness…

No, we will not agree to disagree. You are wrong. You are wrong in ways that are harming other people. This is not disagreement. This is you being immoral. You are inhumane, heartless and cruel.

Yikes, I admit that some people would be really hard for me to talk to. For some people I’d really have to work at sitting down, being patient and intentional, deciding ahead of time what boundaries need to be drawn and what I’m comfortable and uncomfortable discussing with that person. Some conversations are indeed more laborious, sensitive and difficult than others. 

But the minute I say I’m unwilling to sit down with them, the minute I’ve chosen to forgo any actual conversation, is also the moment I’ve chosen to know no more. I cannot sit behind my keyboard (or elsewhere) and pose that I understand another person fully when I make no effort to really get to know them. I cannot suggest that I know why they think or act the way they do.

Allow me a few, brief, blood pressure elevating examples, if you will. If someone thought either of our two most recent presidents were the most wonderful, compassionate and competent president ever, I would want to sit with them and understand the reason they think that way.

Take the immoral argument. If someone, for example, thought abortion should always be allowed at any time under any circumstance or should never be allowed at any time under any circumstance, I would also be curious and want to sit with them. “Help me understand why you think that way,” I would respectfully ponder.

My goal is to understand what I don’t — not to cast judgment on those with whom I disagree.

This idea that we won’t sit with another because we disagree is sad to me. Absolutely, once more, it is indeed completely healthy and wise to limit the extent of our interactions and instill those boundaries with certain people, as many have ways of articulation and expression that are difficult to be around; that’s not what we’re speaking of today.

We’re speaking instead of the humanity argument. If I judge you to be immoral because of the opinion you hold and utilize such to justify an unwillingness to speak or interact no more, I have just cut off my most effective means of knowing more than I already do.

And if I choose to know no more than I already to, then that makes me sad for me.

Respectfully…

AR

It was easy to be excited. The weekend was one off to celebrate with a small group of people, all especially dear. You know the kind of circle… a safe one, fun one, one where you may laugh, cry, be silly or serious and maybe all of the above at the exact same time. You could talk about anything. Be safe there. It promised to be a great weekend, and nothing would deter me.

With the seven hour solo drive loosely mapped out with extended phone calls, podcasts, and a few coffee shop stops in between, I was set and ready to go. 

I left my house, turned on the turnpike and was well prepped for the first few hours. It was mid-morning, and traffic was decently light. There were four lanes of traffic heading north out of Orlando. Again, with light traffic there were still cars in all lanes, but navigating the pass of slower cars was seemingly simplistic indeed. 

Still in a great mood, I was in the third from the right lane, with the lane to my left being the one intended for the fastest among us. The speed limit is 70 mph there. 

As I approached a slower car from behind in my lane (which for the record, had me going at 77 mph — sorry, Mom), I looked in the rear to my left and right, discerning which lane provided the path of greatest ease. Passing is always preferable to the left of the car one is passing, and with a vehicle near my blind spot on the right, moving into the fast lane to pass made the most sense.

There was a car in that lane several car lengths back. It was actually going faster than my chosen 77; it wasn’t hard to discern. However, it was indeed a ways back and I had the right of way. So I turned on my blinker and moved into the fast lane, passing the slower car. 

A few seconds went by. Then a few more. I was soon to pass the vehicle once in front of me.

Then all of a sudden the one time car a ways back was on my tail. And not only were they on my tail, they were on their horn. Loudly.

I took a glance and continued on, passing the first car as planned. I then safely pulled in front of that car, back in lane number three. The honking car didn’t want to wait for my passing, so while I maneuvered as planned, they had now jetted over to the second lane from right, passing both me and the other car from the right side of the road. Ah, yes, they were now not only back on their horn, this time also including an emphatic hand gesture, mouthing some artful expletive and flipping me off. 

Thank God for tinted windows. Just saying. 

But I’ve thought about that driver many times.

Friends, I did nothing unsafe, unfair, un-nothing. I simply got in a lane to pass a car, safely and methodically. I didn’t cut anyone off nor do anything improper. 

But…

I made another slow down.

I made another unable to go in the path and at the pace they wanted.

I got in another’s desired way. I inconvenienced them.

Because of that inconvenience — and let’s be honest — that’s what it was — it wasn’t a safety hazard or an impasse nor any sort of major complication — but because of that inconvenience, the driver of the other car justified focusing all her angst at me.

Of course that got me thinking…

How often to we magnify an inconvenience?

And then, after we magnify it, unable to perceive it fully accurately because we’ve taken no time nor intent to do so, how often do we focus our angst entirely on another?

And then, after we focus our angst entirely on another, how often do we justify treating them awfully?

Just thinking how misperception makes a difference… and how maybe we should pause a little bit more…

Respectfully…

AR

In the early 19th century, Massachusetts Gov. Elbridge Gerry signed a bill he reportedly didn’t like. Gerry had been a prominent figure in the American Revolution, even later serving as Vice President under Pres. James Madison; he was held in high regard by many. He was a signer of the Declaration of Independence, a supporter of limited government, and an opposer of political parties. Gerry became governor in 1810, representing the Democratic-Republican party, and was re-elected for a second one year term the following year. In his second year he was presented with the unfavorable bill.

The Bay State was adopting new electoral district boundaries. The party with most power attempted to craft the proposed districts in a way that benefitted their party. So much so, a local paper likened the new map to the shape of a salamander, thus wittily referring to the electoral reshuffle as a “Gerry-mander.” While Gerry was said to have been unhappy with the highly partisan districting, for some reason, he still signed the bill, even though it wasn’t his party. We are since blessed with the word “gerrymander.” 

Simply put, to gerrymander is to manipulate the boundaries to favor one party. Let us be simply clear: the Intramuralist espouses nothing that includes the word “manipulate.”

The issue has come to the forefront of the nation’s current events as Texas is currently in a 30-day special legislative session with redistricting on the agenda. Republican lawmakers have proposed a new congressional map aimed at creating up to five additional GOP-leaning districts. A state House panel advanced the redrawn map along party lines. Note that redistricting is typically done soon after the Census is calculated; this is happening in the middle of the decade.

In response, no less, dozens of Democratic state lawmakers have fled Texas in an attempt to deny Republicans a quorum and prevent the adoption of the new map. This has thus far prevented a vote on the redistricting plan as the House lacks the necessary number required for official business.

As one might expect in our sadly, highly polarized, political state, every action has had a reaction, escalating in both magnitude and publicity. Suffice it to say, communication between all the adults involved has been painstakingly poor.

Here once more, therefore, we come to a reason why this semi-humble current events blogger has difficulty in wholeheartedly, fully supporting either primary political party.

Both parties gerrymander. In other words, both parties manipulate. They each justify their manipulation with either the elementary playground retort that the other did it first or the ratcheted-up cry in need of saving our democracy.

Don’t let us act that all sides enact this underhanded process equally. From the fact that Republicans have more control in state governments across the country, they have more opportunities to gerrymander, making the manipulation seemingly more frequent in the GOP. 

That’s just it. It seems that those who have the opportunity to manipulate do so, even though the process is self-serving and unfair. One party claims “foul” when the other engages, knowing deceitfully full well that they would do and have done the same thing under similar circumstances.

I laughed last week when the Republicans began employing their manipulation tactic in Texas. Please, represent the people fairly and well.

I laughed still more when the Democrats fled to Illinois, a state where after the 2020 Census, the Democrats significantly redrew the state’s congressional districts, resulting in Republicans holding only 3 of 17 seats, the fewest number of Republican seats since the Civil War. 

The problem with gerrymandering is that both parties track records are laced with hypocrisy. They point fingers at another without transparently acknowledging their own shortage of scrupulous behavior. My sense is they hope we will conclude one is so much worse than another, and thus be blind to their holey track records.

We deserve better and more, friends. We deserve more noble behavior in all of the elect.

Respectfully…

AR

After weeks of travel, thousands of miles and literally crisscrossing the country, even venturing north internationally, there comes a time when all you want to do is get home, kick off the shoes, get the house at least minimally in order, and then crash in your own bed with your own pillow, getting some sleep and back to your normal routine. You start thinking of what needs to happen when you get home, and you utilize those last few restful hours in the air to plan ahead. It’s time to get your thoughts in order. But on this particular last leg, that was nowhere close to happening. Indeed… nowhere close. It wasn’t restful, and I’m not sure I could hear any of my own thoughts.

It was a large plane, as often is en route to Disneyland’s host city. One of the many things I oft enjoy flying back to “The City Beautiful” is how happy so many are on the plane, seemingly anticipating coming days of frolic and fun.

We had seats toward the rear of the plane, no less. Before we sat down, we didn’t glance at the passengers behind us, but there was an immediate sense of the issue. It seemed logical — like a lady’s cough — and clearly, she had a significant frog in her throat. She was coughing approximately every 5 seconds.

I learned quickly, however, I was wrong on many counts. One, it wasn’t an adult woman and two, there wasn’t any frog in any throat. As the person began to speak more with those in her row, it seemed an elementary-aged girl, with some sort of special need. My educated guess was that this was her first time on an airplane. For as said, kids on their way to Orlando typically exhibit an obvious excitement with thoughts of that so-called “happiest place on earth,” but such was not the case for the young girl sitting in the row directly behind me. Not only was she not excited; a better word from one clearly incapable to diagnose the situation might be “traumatized.”

From the moment we boarded through the entire duration of the flight, I would discern the cough to instead be a cry. Think of it like a broken sob, that rasps and catches in the throat.. And in every third or fourth sob, there would be an added, rough quick “I wanna go home!” She didn’t want to be on the plane. 

Sometimes there were ten “wanna go home’s.” Maybe more. Sometimes the sobs were more constant — less broken. It was absolutely incessant for the first 75 minutes.

Embedded, too, within the cries would frequently be a “mama” or “papa,” shared with great exclamation. More often than that was an “I need to go potty.” She was desperately trying to change her circumstances. Added midway through our flight, she starting actually naming her emotion; every few minutes now included an “I’m scared!” 

Couple that constancy with the every-so-often kick of my seat, suffice it to say, this was nothing like my planned last leg home. I couldn’t help but feel for the child; this was obviously awful for her. Granted, she calmed slightly halfway through our 2 hour and 45 minute flight, but her fears never diminished and the manifestation of her emotion never did end.

Her words changed slightly the last hour, with the coughs now accompanied with an “almost there, Mom?” Then “mama” would be repeated with no response. No judgment for that parent. I can’t imagine what her life is like the other 364 days of the year.

After the plane landed and taxied to the gate, we were delayed. Passengers were ready to exit but the airport and attendants were not ready for us to get off. And so what ensued was 10-15 minutes of extra time in which most are standing, eager to disembark. Multiple minutes in, the row behind me stood, too. For the first time, I was able to see the one who had indiscreetly become the center of my attention the past few hours. She certainly got my attention now even more.

I didn’t want to stare; I didn’t want to do anything that created any more discomfort for this family. But I was amazed. I actually couldn’t tell if she was a girl or a boy. But I had accurately pegged her in scope and size; she appeared no more than 10 or 11 at most. Then she said “hi” to me. No enthusiasm. No even eye contact — just a “hi” in my direction.

I responded, of course, with what I hoped to be an authentic warmth and kindness, wanting to ensure she and her family felt more grace than anything; surely they were well aware of her disturbance. I only lived with this for a few hours; they are living it for a lifetime.

With the conversation started and all of us standing, I asked the mom who appeared a little older, “Where are you guys from?” She shared that they were coming from Minnesota. She also then told me that they were making the trip to celebrate the birthday of the girl who sat behind me.

“Tell her how old you are now,” encouraged the mother to her daughter. She gave added encouragement and instruction, as the gal struggled with words. “Tell her how old…. 3… 0… You are thirty now.”

“30,” the girl repeated. I had no idea.

Not everything is as we see it. Not everything we believe is true.

I pray that young lady found Disney to be the happiest place on earth that week. I pray, too, they felt great grace and kindness on the plane.

Respectfully…

AR

What a sweet annual Guest Writers Series! We loved the diverse voices, varied passions and shared stories. We love, too, the different ways that different people speak! Oh, so articulate… Allow me to thank our humble writers once more, and thanks, also, to the many of you who encouraged them from both near and far.

So why? Why do we feature a month of other authors?

Our reason is two-fold. One, I get a bit of a respite (see picture above). In recent years, I’ve learned better the huge benefit of intentional rest — a shabbat, if you will — just taking time to disconnect from routine and be recharged and refreshed. My sense is that’s good in all things, as a routine can oft evolve into the mundane. Also, we can sometimes get so stuck in our rhythms — physical, emotional and spiritual — that we lose sight of the greatest wisdom. Rest helps me remember what’s most important.

But two, it upholds one of the mantras of the Intramuralist. When we started this witty little, current events blog some 17 years ago, it wasn’t because I felt everyone needed to hear from me. It also wasn’t because I feel like I always have the best, most astute and informed opinion. Oh, my… so clearly not! Friends, allow me a bit of a transparent newsflash: sometimes I am wrong. Sometimes I am wrong and I have zero idea!

The goal of the Intramuralist isn’t so that all people think like me; that would be silly. The goal of the Intramuralist also isn’t to always lay out a balanced, both sides, impartial opinion; that’s not how most of us think. The goal of the Intramuralist is to learn how to share our stories and perspectives in a way that is completely respectful of the person who doesn’t think like us. That’s why we invite diverse voices… Learn to sit with the one who is different. Learn to be curious, to ask questions, and to graciously acknowledge when the different doesn’t make sense. Resist the insult. Remove the meme. Ask even more questions… Listening to varied voices is a wise thing to do.

(To think I thought speaking respectfully to all was something we didn’t do collectively well… 17 years ago…)

While away, no less, lots happened…

From the Independence Day celebrations to talk of the 250th being next… to the other, less-celebrated July holidays (sorry if you missed World Chocolate Day on the 7th or National Lasagna Day on the 29th… ice cream, graham crackers and fried clams also had their respective days)… to the continuation of both the Russia/Ukraine and Gaza/Israel conflicts, with the latter focusing on constructing a lasting ceasefire and managing widespread hunger and poor healthcare… to the awful, awful flooding at Camp Mystic… to the loss of Hulk Hogan, Malcom-Jamal Warner and the iconic Ozzy Osbourne… to all the sporting events (before football soon starts again, thank God) at Wimbledon, golf’s Open Championship and the 22 day Tour de France… to Caitlin Clark playing and not playing again… to the upset primary win of a socialist in New York City… to all sorts of other events worth discussing — from the immigrant detention facility in South Florida to the debated success of the tariffs to the popularity of the parties to even American Eagle’s newest jeans ad…

Then again, seems like the stories that received most of our attention came from singular words: i.e. Epstein, Russiagate and Coldplay.

(And geesh on the Coldplay kiss cam! I have a few words… why did they duck?! If the cheating couple would have stayed steady, none of us would have reacted the way we did… and why did we react the way we did — and still do? Maybe I’m wrong. But there was just something about the instantaneous justice that was very, very satisfying…)

And with that, we’re back — back with a semi-humble curiosity to learn and discuss what’s happening in the world today… to dialogue respectfully in every conversation. I have a confession, friends. I haven’t always done that. I’ve made some mistakes and certainly some mistakes in how I’ve justified being ill-mannered to another… some even this week! But I won’t give up trying to be better and wiser. There is lots to learn.

Our next story comes Wednesday, sharing how I learned much from a circumstance that was nothing short of a multi-hour annoyance, flying back to Florida. It’s amazing what we can learn from every situation and person… that is, of course, if we let them.

Respectfully…

AR

Today we sit with my now 23 year old son, who is gifted in many ways, and special in his special needs. Let me first share how Josh describes himself: “I am a pretty fun, hardworking man on a mission. I like the Bengals, spicy food, and playing video games — especially Star Wars.”

Time to sit down with Josh…

So Josh, welcome back. You know I get great feedback every time you speak on the Intramuralist. Thanks for being here!

“Thank you. I am honored to be here.”

You told me you have something specific you wanted to talk about today. What’s that?

“Learning to accept people for who they are.”

A question first… why is this topic so important to you?

“Because God taught us to accept each other for who they are. And sometimes we have trouble finding it. You also have to accept yourself for you who are. That’s something I’ve had to do. I’ve had trouble sometimes in accepting both me and other people for who they are.”

I appreciate you being so honest and transparent. Sounds like this is an area in which you’ve grown. So let’s get after it a bit. What does it mean to “accept people for who they are”?

“That’s a good question. That’s a really good question.”

Let me help . When you accept someone for who they are, does it change how you see them or talk to them?

“Yeah. It could be both. When you accept someone for who they are, you see them as friends, people that you care about and try to trust even if they don’t deserve it.”

How then do you talk to them or about them?

“When with them, you ask them questions. You ask them what they think — don’t tell them what to think. It’s the not judging a book by its cover thing. It’s no judgment and asking questions no matter what they look like or sound like. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to them, but you have to.”

Why do you have to?

“It’s being respectful. God teaches us to love and be respectful to one another. No matter what.”

Is there ever a time not to love or respect in your opinion?

“No. But there are struggles along the way.”

Why?

“Sometimes I really don’t want to love them because I don’t like them or what they think. Sometimes they’re disrespectful; they don’t do what God teaches.”

Is that what you’ve most learned — to love and respect any way?

“Yes. Love and respect them for who they are. If they’re weird or crazy or think differently, it doesn’t matter. God demonstrates his love for us so that we can learn to love all others. I have trouble with that sometimes, but I keep trying because it’s the right thing to do. The right thing matters.”

Let me go back a little to where we started. Why did you want to talk about this?

“Because we all need to learn to accept.”

What would happen if we all learned that?

“Then we can teach our kids as well, and people will get along better.”

Do you think we have trouble now?

“We all do, every single day. But it goes back to being the right thing to do.”

Thanks for encouraging us today, Josh. This is good. Anything else you want to say?

“Thank you for spending time with me on this blog, because it goes out to everyone who’s having trouble accepting. I want people to make life easier through love and respect.”

Thanks, Josh.

“Always.”

Respectfully…

AR & Josh

[Welcome to our annual Guest Writer Series, a time in which we are intentional in listening to other voices. Know that AR may/may not agree with the perspective expressed. Know, too, that agreement is secondary to learning from others. Meet Guest Writer #10!]

* * * * *

Movies make you think, relate, and feel for the characters. They follow intriguing pathways that pull you into experiences you’ve never had before. Movies make me think too, mostly about why they were made in the first place.

I used to genuinely enjoy a good movie. I loved the classics, got excited for new releases, and appreciated a strong story. There wasn’t one moment that changed my mind, just a gradual drift. I watched the hero defeat the villain again, even after the villain won the first fight. I watched the couple fall in love, but only after a few obligatory arguments to make it seem like maybe they wouldn’t. The best word I can use to describe most movies now? Predictable. Almost every story that starts the same ends the same.

You might say, “It’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey.” I don’t completely disagree. But even the journeys start to blend together. The stakes, the twists, the emotional beats—it all starts to feel like déjà vu. Christopher Booker, along with other academics, argued that there are only seven basic storytelling structures: the Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, The Quest, Voyage and Return, Rebirth, Comedy, and Tragedy. If you start looking for them, you’ll see those seven patterns everywhere. Characters and settings change. The tone might shift. But under the surface, it’s the same recycled structure dressed up in new costumes and CGI.

Sure, maybe that’s part of what people like about movies: the comfort of the familiar. But to me, it’s hard to invest in something when I know exactly how it’s going to unfold. There’s no tension, no uncertainty. Just a two-hour confirmation that things will turn out more or less how you expect.

Real life, on the other hand, is the opposite. You usually don’t get a heads-up about the plot twists. You don’t get a guarantee that the hero wins or that the couple stays together or that things even make sense. People lose jobs for no reason. Friendships fall apart out of nowhere. Bad things happen to good people. There’s no studio cutting the footage to make sure it all ties together nicely by the end.

Unpredictability feels like one of the few things consistent in life. While that might sound chaotic or exhausting, it also feels more honest. It gives even the smallest moments weight because you genuinely don’t know what’s coming next. A random phone call can change your whole day. A passing conversation can shift your perspective. A boring Tuesday can turn into something unforgettable for reasons you never saw coming. That kind of randomness is frustrating, yes, but also kind of magical.

Back in undergrad, I took a film class. Most of us did because the workload was light. The only real assignment was the final, for which we had to write a persuasive essay about a TV show. I picked Game of Thrones (dragons, magic, and all) and argued that it was one of the most realistic shows ever made. Why? Because characters died, even the important ones. The bad guys often won. The show’s realism came from its unpredictability. You didn’t know what was coming next. And frankly, real life is a lot more like that than most movies. (I got a 97% on that paper, for the record.)

Even with that appreciation, I wouldn’t say I love television either. But movies frustrate me more because of the time commitment. They usually run somewhere between 90 and 110 minutes. That’s a decent chunk of your day, and if the film turns out bad, you’ve just wasted two hours. If you’re in a movie theater, walking out rarely feels like an option. I’ve only seen it happen once, and I’ve never done it myself.

Imagine if I told you up front, “Hey, I’m going to waste 90 minutes of your life.” You probably wouldn’t say yes. Yet we walk into theaters all the time, not sure if we’ll like what we’re seeing. At the very least, we should check a few reviews first. It doesn’t guarantee anything, but it increases the odds that the movie might actually be worth your time.

When writing this, I figured I should try to be fair. Movies have been around forever, so I assumed they’re at least profitable. Turns out, most of them aren’t. Only about 30% to 40% of films turn a profit. That stat varies depending on who you ask and what variables they include, but still, most movies don’t make money. So why do people keep making them?

In short: blockbusters. A handful of massive hits earn so much that they offset the many money-losers released each year. That one franchise sequel with $800 million in global ticket sales can cover a lot of red ink. Profit doesn’t always equal quality, but it’s probably more reliable than the trailer when deciding what to watch on Netflix.

Still, even that can feel like a gamble. With how little free time most people have, movies ask for a lot: your attention, your emotion, your patience. And increasingly, they give back very little.

Now, to be totally transparent, I wrote most of this blog post while traveling—specifically, while sitting on a plane. And I’ll admit, there isn’t much else to do on a plane. So I put on a movie. I got bored pretty quickly and fell asleep less than halfway through.

That was my return on investment, which I fear movies rarely provide.

Respectfully…

JTA

[Welcome to our annual Guest Writer Series, a time in which we are intentional in listening to other voices. Know that AR may/may not agree with the perspective expressed. Know, too, that agreement is secondary to learning from others. Meet Guest Writer #9!]

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Have you ever said something or done something that created friction between you and a loved one? I would wager that every reader will answer with a bashful yes. Perhaps you even felt regret or sorrow for your part in what transpired, whether of your own accord or through subsequent conversation. I would also hazard a guess that you have also been on the receiving end of a comment or gesture that hurt you in some way, shape, or form.

There is a saying heard every now and again in our house that my wife or I say to the other: “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much.” We know this means there is an item of contention between us.

OOPS…. time for a course correction.

As a couple, we are far from excellent at communicating with each other and we sometimes fail to adequately share our thoughts, concerns, feelings, joys, fears, dreams, and expectations. The last item is of utmost importance. Why do I think so? Unmet expectations are often the single, largest source of disappointment in my relationships….. going both directions.

Also, transparency is paramount regardless of relationship: coworker, manager, spouse, child, friend, neighbor, parent, etc. You don’t have to necessarily share your deepest desires and aspirations outside of your home, but being honest with everyone, including yourself, leads to deeper connection and the opportunity for empathy and compassion to show up.

How do we do this?

First, you have to have conversations. I recommend face-to-face for your closest relationships, but phone/on-line conversations have become a thing of the norm, especially in the corporate world.

Second, you have to be aware of your expectations and practice self-introspection. Some level of emotional intelligence is also beneficial.

Last, and most important, you have to be vulnerable. This piece comes with some risk. Obviously you can share more deeply within your most personal relationships. This can be scary, even with your spouse…. but oh, so beneficial. This creates the opportunity to bond profoundly.

What does this look like for less serious things?

Chat about what your vision looks like for an event or situation. Share your ideas and look for opportunities to create conversation. Engage in back-and-forth dialogue. If someone is sharing their expectations with you, pay attention and ask clarifying questions? I also encourage you to rephrase back what you understood.

Listen, pause, reflect, process…then speak!

Humbly,
CA

P.S. A tool I utilize to set other’s expectations when establishing a time to meet…. give a 15 minute window; shoot for arriving at the beginning, but know that you have margin built into your travel.