Month: May 2016

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mothers day 2016

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None of us would be here without our mothers. Likewise, none who is a mother would be the same without their children… without all the joys, tears, and teaching embedded within the obviously, divinely-designed experience.

As I wrestled with what I most wanted to say — about why we love our moms, appreciate our moms, thank them, bless them, and why we miss them when they’re gone, why they miss us when not near — acknowledging that this day is merry for some and mournful for others — or maybe a little bit of both for several of us — I saw this comment from one parent: “I almost missed the incredible gift in front of me.”

… missing the gift… I don’t want to miss the gift…

I used to think that as a parent, we would engage in all this teaching. We would teach and train our kids, training them up in the way they should go, and it would be this amazing, educational experience. Whether it’s for biological or adoptive children… whether is for young ones who we are called to be a “mom” to… it would be this awesome, sharpening experience. And it is…

For us.

I almost missed the gift that the teaching would have on me.

Said by one parent who seems to have realized that, from “Love That Boy” by Ron Fournier, a nationally known journalist and parent to a special needs teen…

“… Our son is learning to connect and belong, and we know he will be a happy, thriving adult. Rather than sweat over his Asperger’s, I see how much I’d miss if he wasn’t an Aspie — his humor, his bluntness, his unaffected obsessions with everything from video games to family.

In the spring of 2014, my father died. Mom decided to rent a boat and scatter Dad’s ashes in the Detroit River. After my mother, my siblings, and our families had boarded the boat, we filled the 30-minute ride with awkward conversation. How’s the job? How about those Tigers?

My sister, Raquel, lost her composure, dashing below to find a bathroom. She almost ran into Tyler at the bottom of the stairs. He recognized her distress and said, ‘I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I can give you a hug.’

That was exactly what she needed. ‘He hugged me so tight. And kept hugging me,’ Raquel told me later. ‘It meant the world to me.’

At the appointed spot, the boat stopped. Raquel poured Dad’s ashes over the side, while Mom stood alone behind her. My brothers made eye contact with me. What should we do?

Rather than step forward to comfort Mom, I stepped back. It was not my finest hour. But Tyler exceeded my expectations, walking over to hold his grandmother tightly. He whispered to her, ‘Everyone thinks I’m comforting you, but really I need comforting.’

Finally, I know what perfect is. It’s a child blessed with the grace to show goodness, even on the worst of days. No, Tyler is not my idealized son. He is my ideal one.”

I think that’s it. I think that’s what I most want to say. I like how this parent sees his child as the “ideal one.”

We don’t get to pick our parents. We don’t get to pick our children. But I used to think it was the parent that always teaches the child. What I’ve since learned is that the children teach us even more.

With a heart that is humbled and sometimes knows not exactly how to say all there is to say…

Happy Mothers Day…
AR

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nothing short of scary

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What if during an election season, there was a candidate described as follows:

… one who tell lies…
… one who is malicious…
… one with a clear lack of character…
… one no reasonably intelligent person could support…
… one who preys on our ignorance…
… one who lacks integrity…
… one who is nothing short of scary…

And what if during an election season, you knew that wasn’t true?

We all get it. We’ve all seen it. Those descriptions are all around us.

That’s what too many candidates do… even, perhaps, what good candidates do.

But sometimes… what they say, is not true.

People don’t know what they don’t know.

Many times over the last seven and a half years on the Intramuralist, we have tackled tough angles in regard to how the American political system seems so broken… it’s too big, too controlling, too financially imbalanced… there’s too much arrogance, too many attacks, too much self-servingness… too much money involved.

It seems, too, that one of America’s biggest political problems is what it now takes to get elected… utilizing a misrepresentation of truth.

No longer is an election a rational attempt to discern between two (or more) people in which each presents themselves honestly and authentically, clearly representing their policy stances and perspectives, letting us know how strongly they feel, respecting their opponent… And saying at the conclusion of their campaign, “We wish each voter and candidate well. Win or lose, we trust you will make a good choice.”

No. Elections have seemingly instead become a manipulative attempt in which each candidate presents themselves in the perceived most positive light, hiding policy stances and perspectives that they know are not popular, dampening how strongly they feel, denigrating their opponent… And saying at the conclusion of their campaign, “God forbid my opponent should win. I am the only good choice.”

I have been asked by many: “how do we fix this?” If we want to fix what’s clearly broken in the American political system, we can’t fall prey to left or right talking points. We can’t embrace solely the notion that the insertion of term limits or the repeal of the high court’s Citizens United decision, that then all will be good and true and right. No. The system will still be broken. Those are more rhetorically, good-sounding, political-party-pleasing Band-Aids… as if they alone can retract the embedded arrogance and disrespect.

The American political system will remain broken as long as there remain too many people who think too highly of themselves. The American political system will remain broken as long as there remain too many people who refuse to humble themselves, pray, and love their neighbor more than self. The American political system will remain broken as long as too many people refuse to love all people well.

…Most… only love… some.

Yes, most only love some people well — typically only those who agree with us. We then denigrate those who disagree, justify looking down on others — even calling them ignorant or something worse. Thus, the American political system will remain broken as long as we, the voting public, continue to support that less than virtuous mentality.

Again, we need to humble ourselves, pray, and love our neighbor more than self. Anything less remains sadly, nothing short of scary.

Respectfully…
AR

Posted on

change your questions, change your life

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Years ago I was introduced to a great book by Dr. Marilee Adams, an adjunct professor at American University’s School of Public Affairs, with the same title as listed above. Adams specializes in consulting, coaching, and leadership training. She has created and promoted the concept of “question thinking.” It’s based on the premise that everything starts with a question and that question then bridges the gap to increased comprehension, healthier communication, and more effective results.

Think about that; everything starts with a question; in fact, when I wake up, I typically ask myself a series of unspoken questions, such as… “What’s on my agenda?… How warm is it outside? … Is it raining?”… or “Is my favorite outfit clean?”

Those questions then affect the entire day ahead; they transcend how we interact with other people. In order to clearly comprehend and both adequately and accurately understand what’s going on in life, we have to ask and answer questions. Note: asking and answering questions is more vital and intimate than simply spewing an opinion; spewing opinion typically stems from an incomplete perspective. In other words, as Dr. Adams says, “You can’t get the best answers unless you answer the best questions first.”

I then took a brief scan of the weekend headlines from the most popular internet news sites. After dismissing those centered on cleaning my kidneys, Ted Cruz’s VP ploy, and the latest developments in the NBA playoffs, the following 20 questions caught my eye:

(1) Can Corporate Leaders Be Good Citizens?
(2) Can Songs Help You Learn Scientific Concepts?
(3) How did Prince die?
(4) The 9/11 Truth?
(5) Could Texas Become the Next Trans Bathroom Battleground?
(6) ’Dumbest pick’ in NFL draft history?
(7) What is May Day, anyway?
(8) Why Are Blacks Leaving Liberal Cities?
(9) Is Sara Ramirez Leaving ‘Grey’s Anatomy’?
(10) Is U.S. Ready for Post-Middle-Class Politics?
(11) Did Larry Wilmore go too far with N-word joke at Obama’s last #WHCD?
(12) Will the Paris Climate Agreement Deliver?
(13) Beyonce: Making Marriage Work?
(14) Is The Party Warming To Trump?
(15) Why Do Progressives Cling to Hillary?
(16) Does Bernie Sanders Really Deserve Any Concessions From Hillary Clinton?
(17) Did Michael Strahan make big mistake leaving ‘Live!’ for ‘GMA’?
(18) For Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, it’s all about Indiana … isn’t it?
(19) Prince, Bowie and Haggard: Icons? Legends? What’s the difference?

(… and my personal favorite…)

(20) Wardrobe whoopsies: On purpose, or an accident?

I must go back, no less, to one of Dr. Adams’ core principles. That is, again: “You can’t get the best answers unless you answer the best questions first.”

With all the difficulty and tension in discussing tough topics (especially on social media), I wonder first if we’re being intentional in asking questions.

I wonder second if we’re asking the best questions — questions that prompt insight, perspective, and honest, heartfelt exchange — questions that lead to sharpening and growth.

And I wonder third if we’re pausing long enough to actually listen to the answers.

I remember a lesson taught to each of my budding young sons… Listening does not simply mean hearing what another says; listening means hearing and thoughtfully considering all that was said.

May we learn to ask good questions (… and… to hopefully never experience any sort of “wardrobe whoopsie”).

Respectfully…
AR

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dirty laundry

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For years a woman put her laundry out to dry. For years she also mocked her neighbor, as she hung her laundry out to dry.

It wasn’t always a loud mocking. In fact, it was never to the neighbor’s face. Instead it was first only a mocking to her spouse and inner circle of friends. She would daily stare out her window, hiding slightly behind the pleated shades, observing her neighbor, who was always washing and hanging the family’s clothes improperly. Her neighbor’s clothes always remained dirty!

If only she knew what I knew…

If only she was as wise as me…

The woman’s complaints grew louder. She told more people. Focusing on her neighbor’s misdeeds, poor process, and lack of critical thinking, she consistently made fun of her neighbor’s clear inability to do laundry properly. Granted, she was politically correct enough to withhold all denunciatory comments when running into her neighbor during any community interaction.

She would smile and wave and intentionally hide all fault-finding, editorial thoughts. But she would still think them…

My neighbor is ridiculous…

It’s not hard to do laundry…

What’s wrong with her??

And so the woman would generously judge away, making sure to at least grab a daily glance, justifying and fueling her conclusion of ignorance and stupidity that she had so graciously cast upon the neighbor next door. After all, she had seen this with her own eyes; she wasn’t making this up. Her view was clear. Yes… how stupid indeed.

After years of these neighbors never really communicating nor connecting at any heart level — since the internal criticism silently but definitively impeded the way — what to the woman’s wondrous eyes one day, all of a sudden appeared??

Shockingly, the neighbor’s laundry was for once, beautifully, sparkly clean!!

The woman immediately called her husband to the room. She said, “Would you look at that?! I no longer have to show her what to do! Her laundry is finally clean!!”

Her husband at first offered only a calm, quiet nod. He then hesitated for a moment, questioning how to say this, and then acknowledged he knew why.

Daily he listened to his spouse complain about their neighbor. Daily she spewed emphatic rants about the neighbor’s manifest faults and unchanging idiocies.

Her husband then said he had tired of the complaining. So he got up early that morning…

… and washed the windows.

I wonder…

Where are we looking at someone else and only seeing dirty laundry?

Where in all these messy issues and current events, are we finding fault in another because our own view is skewed?

And where do we need to start by washing our own windows first?

Respectfully…
AR