intramuralist ™

One of the things I wish we were better at as a society is learning to celebrate “A” without feeling the need to oppress “B.” We fail to recognize they aren’t two sides of the same coin, so-to-speak. We don’t have to put down one in order to elevate another. We do it in all sorts of categories, every demographic, even all the way down to whether my kid or your kid is named the starting shortstop. (As one who does not believe in finite opportunity, believe me, I will always celebrate if your kid is named to the priority infield position. It’s no knock on my kid; it’s high praise of yours.)

We do this with age, income, ethnicity and more. We do this with gender. Friends, we don’t have to put down men or women to elevate women or men. They aren’t in competition with one another. It’s ok to celebrate one, both, or one at a time. 

So today, for the one-hundred and twelfth time, our country celebrates our dads on the third Sunday in June. So I decided to ask the kids of the dads in my life: What makes someone a good dad? Or what character attributes help them be good at that?

My siblings, sons, nieces and nephews had a few things to say…

“A good dad provides both affection and authority.”

“A good dad challenges you in a compassionate way. He pushes you to become a better version of yourself because he wants what’s best for you.”

“I’ve always thought of my dad as the one I’d make my first phone call to. If it was great news, I wanted to tell him; I knew he’d be proud of me. If it was bad news — a wreck, jail, etc. — well, I knew he’d come help me — no judgment — but would also remind me lovingly but firmly of the need to grow.”

“Dads model our heavenly Father, who provides what we need. Sometimes it’s grace and understanding. Sometimes it’s tough love. Sometimes it’s nothing at all, not substituting their experience for their child’s.”

“I’ve never appreciated those who say, ‘My dad was tough’ or any other attribute. That forces the child to adjust to the dad rather than the other way around.”

“Most of all, loving. We all need our father’s approval.”

“It’s a simultaneous strength/compassion trait amidst dire family-related situations. Knowing when and where to use each is only something you really learn on the fly. I can’t speak on it because of my lack of experience, but my cultural interpretation of this is that oftentimes, this two-sided parameter is skewed far too much in one direction, leading to non-optimal mental/physical development of their children.”

“Love, support and adaptation. Most dads show love by acts of service without accepting any kind of thanks. Support can mean anything from checking in to helping out with your car maintenance or by going to games, shows, etc. An adaptive dad accepts their child when they grow in ways they didn’t necessarily expect and loves them just the same.”

“Discipline. Love is not affirming what they do simply to provide encouragement, but correcting their actions so they learn. Without a willingness to do so, they will not grow or mature, and neglecting discipline is thus akin to abandonment. Patience is an important attribute.”

“Kindness. Compassion. I can come to him with anything and he doesn’t pass judgment. He listens and works to understand. I know he will always be there for me, no matter what.”

“Caring. Supportive. Even through the hard times, my dad never stopped supporting whatever I was looking to do.”

“An involved dad. Someone who teaches right from wrong with patience and perseverance and is part of that learning process. He loves unconditionally and corrects wrongs out of love and care, which creates respect from the child and helps them understand they may have messed up, but they are still loved and not defeated.”

“My dad has always been there for me and accepted me for me. He was never much of a grill master or very car-savvy, but I have a lot of fond memories with us all being goofy and having fun.” 

“Being a father is somewhat sacrificial. It’s easy to raise your kids according to your own passions. However, as seems to be true with everything, it’s harder to adapt. A good father sacrifices the nature of what he has known for many years to promote the happiness of his children. Easy? Unsurprisingly, no. Hard? Not for the father that cares.”

And one more shout out, from my youngest son, who as he often does, says much with little…

“My dad is my super hero. Very smart, incredible, talented man. When I am down, he helps me. I’m thankful and honored that I am his son.” 

Respectfully…

AR

There are certain songs when they come on Spotify or SiriusXM, they prompt the majority of us to totally freeze and sing along; it matters little what we’re doing. We just must. Sing along.

Such as…

“Woah, we’re half way there

Woah, livin’ on a prayer

Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear

Woah, livin’ on a prayer…”

… or… 

“Tell me why

Ain’t nothin’ but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake

Tell me why

I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way…”

… and last but not least…

“Oh no, not I, I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive

I will survive…”

In recent years there’s another lyrical set which personally makes me freeze. I admit: it’s not quite as popular. Maybe the lyrics are harder. But no doubt the lyrics make me think.

It’s a creative tune penned by Danny Gokey three years ago. It begins by talking about “running in circles” and “jumping the hurdles”…  checking boxes and feeling “kinda worn out” — words that no doubt sometimes apply to each of us.

And then it gets to the chorus — which is probably the part that challenges me most. Gokey writes it like this:

“Gotta keep it real simple, keep it real simple

Bring everything right back to ground zero

‘Cause it all comes down to this

Love God and love people

We’re living in a world that keeps breakin’

But if we wanna find the way to change it

It all comes down to this

Love God and love people…”

My thoughts are two-fold…

Where else do I complicate things? Where do I make things harder than they are?

And secondly — and maybe one of the most important questions each of us would be wise to ask — where are the places and what are the things I allow to get in the way of me loving (1) God and (2) other people? Where are those pockets and places that I choose something lesser?

I’ll be honest. I think of this a lot more than when the lyrical gem comes on the radio. And I think of how we as a society fail to do this. Sometimes knowingly. Sometimes not. I mean, there are so many wonderful people on this planet. So many seemingly wise. But yet there are also so many who encourage loving all people except ______________.

Fill in the blank however you wish. But that’s the challenge Gokey poignantly pens in his song. There is nothing that deserves resting in that blank.

Nothing.

I get it. We get irritated. We get annoyed. We face both real and perceived opposition. 

Still nothing… belongs in that blank.

Respectfully…

AR

What a weird week. But first, the most recent data…

According to Reuters, 68% of us think the country is on the wrong track.

According to NBC News, 75% of us think the country is on the wrong track. 

According to Monmouth, that number rises to 80%.

The RealClearPolitics national average is that 71% of us believe we are on the wrong track; only 22% of us believe the country is headed in a positive direction.

Recognizing that with such a clear majority believing the same thing — which means, therefore, that both Democrats and Republicans and everything in between share like thinking — why do we feel the way we do?

Allow me to go back to the weird week…

We had a popular, liberal newspaper keep the assassination plot of a perceived conservative Supreme Court justice off the front page, making an approximate ½ inch reference in its national news blips, referring the reader to “page A20.”

We had a House committee run an atypical primetime hearing regarding the awful, Jan. 6th, 2021 attack on the US Capitol, but also hire a Hollywood television producer to attempt to make it look like a “blockbuster investigative special.”

We had a popular, conservative TV news station choose not to show the congressional hearing and then run their regular primetime programming commercial free, with no breaks when one might be tempted to change channels.

We had a President who seemingly avoids one-on-one interviews with journalists go on late night comedy television and an articulate actor instead speak to the press in the White House briefing room.

And we were reminded of how both the most recent former President and the current Senate Majority Leader each utilized temperature-raising rhetoric that is perceived to have contributed to the first two scenarios above. (Note: I am grateful for the Majority Leader’s later walking back of his initial magniloquence.)

It’s the clear manifestation of bias, and as the oft snarky HBO host, Bill Maher, said Friday night in regard to one of the news sources — which could be applied to each of them — “They just wear their bias on their sleeves, and if it’s not part of something that feeds our narrative, $#*&@! it, we bury it.” 

I’ll repeat what one friend thoughtfully shared with me: it feels manipulative.

Let’s go back to the backdrop that 71% of us believe the country is on the wrong track. That’s such a large majority, it no doubt includes people who are ok with some of the above scenarios.

So why would such a politically diverse majority believe the same thing?

Is it the classic phrase by liberal strategist James Carville in 1992? … that it’s “the economy stupid!”

Is it the soaring inflation, probability of recession, or crazy gas prices that seem to rise significantly more by the week?

Maybe.

But allow me to paint this picture with a broader brush.

When I examine the weirdness of last week, it’s not that all of the above was all wrong (… although for the record once more, while we should not equate the two events, let’s be clear that what happened at the Capitol and what happened outside one justice’s home were each indeed criminal). 

But the challenge I see embedded in the weirdness of the week is that there is a lack of authenticity in our approach. Left, right… you-name-it. There’s something in the approach that feels manipulative.

In order to be a country in which the clear majority believes we’re on a track headed in the right direction, we need to lead with integrity and communicate with authenticity. The state of both our union and unity depends upon it.

Respectfully…

AR

There is current talk of whether an effective gun violence deterrent would be to raise the minimum age to 21 to purchase a firearm. Such is existing law in California, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, and Vermont. 17 more states make 21 the minimum age for handguns, but have set 18 as the age for rifle and shotgun purchases.

The thought is that at 21 we become adults, capable of making independent decisions, with an increased likelihood of being mentally solid and stable. It thus made me ask what we’re able to do when we aren’t thought to be adults, make independent decisions, nor be mentally solid and stable. Consider that you must be…

• 10 to hunt alone in Alaska
• 10 to hunt big game in Arizona
• 12 to consent to immunization against sexually transmitted infections if in California or Washington, D.C. (In D.C., this is with all CDC-approved vaccines, even over parental objections.)
• 13 to create a Facebook account
• 14 to be employed for most non-agricultural work
• 14 to get a learner’s permit in Alaska, Arkansas, Iowa and North and South Dakota
• 14 to pilot a glider or balloon
• 14 to operate a personal watercraft in Florida
• 14 to go to Disney World parks alone
• 14 to fish in Idaho
• 14 to work at Starbucks in Montana (It’s 16 for the other 49 states.)
• 15 to fly alone on Allegiant, American, Delta, Frontier, Spirit, and United (Southwest is good with 12.)
• 16 to work more than 3 hours on a school day
• 16 to vote in school board elections if a resident of Oakland, California
• 16 to get an abortion without parental consent in Delaware and Massachusetts
• 16 to fly a plane
• 16 to take puberty blockers, hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery in South Dakota
• 16-18 depending on the state to be able to legally consent to sexual contact
• 17 to vote in the primary elections and caucuses of 17 states if 18 by election day 
• 17 to skate in the 2026 Winter Olympics
• 17 to enlist in the military
• 17 to buy tickets to R-rated movies
• 17 to stay out after 11 p.m. Sunday through Thursday in Illinois
• 17  to adopt a child in Florida if married (18 is the threshold for an unmarried adult, although many adoption agencies add older requirements.)
• 18 to work in an occupation considered “hazardous” by the Dept. of Labor
• 18 to join Planet Fitness without a parental waiver
• 18 to be considered the “age of majority” in which one is granted by law the rights and responsibilities of an adult, in all but 3 states (It’s 19 in Alabama and Nebraska — 21 in Mississippi.)
• 18 to work in mining or manufacturing, even if employed by family
• 18 to vote
• 18 to get a tattoo without permission from parents
• 18 to play in Major League Baseball if from the U.S. (International players need only be 17)
• 18 to buy Sudafed, Robitussin-DM and more in most states
• 18 to drive a taxi in New York City
• 18 to become a substitute teacher in most states
• 19 to get married in Nebraska
• 21 to purchase alcohol (This does not apply to the minimum age for consumption, which varies by state.)
• 21 to purchase tobacco (The current age to purchase tobacco in North Carolina is still 18; however, stores that sell under 21 may be subject to federal enforcement.)
• 21 to gamble in Vegas
• 25 to rent a Hertz cargo van
• 25 to be a Representative
• 30 to be a Senator
• 35 to be President
• 50 to play on the Senior PGA Tour
• 62 to receive Social Security benefits
• 65 to qualify for Medicare

It’s certainly interesting where we advocate to increase or decrease minimum age requirements. Perspective matters.

Respectfully…

AR

2 hours and 11 minutes… sitting on the edge of our seats… fully engaged in the plot and developing storyline… clearly sensing the tension, emotion, relational challenges and joys… not to mention the bonus drama, humor, and real-life Boeing F/A-18 Super Hornets! The critics are right, friends. Top Gun: Maverick is fantastic!

But lest one begins to believe this semi-humble current events blogger has any aspirations to evolve into an incredibly witty movie critic, allow us to talk about why the summer’s so-far biggest hit is just so fantastic… besides the Super Hornets… besides the drama… besides Tom Cruise once again solidifying his reputation as a bonafide movie star…

While the movie is fantastic, how it makes us feel is even better. 

Let’s begin by setting the scene…

We each have passions, preferences, and convictions that are near and dear to us. How sweet that in this land of the free and home of the brave we can believe in something, invest and advocate — and we can believe in different things.

But somewhere increasingly along the line in recent years, we’ve added a step to the belief, investment and advocacy. Now we also feel need to fight.

To “fight” assumes opposition. To be even more blunt, to “fight” assumes an enemy. Friends, with all due respect, we’ve lost sight of who the enemy actually is.

Pick your passion. Pick your preference and conviction, too.

Think of the trending question of increased gun control, for example… Those people are in my way. We need to fight them. We need to elect no more of them. We need to make them pay! They don’t care about children!

I said this before and I’ll say it again. It’s pure rhetoric when any attempt to convince us that one party cares more about children than the other. All we have to do is compare the inconsistent arguments on the issues of gun control and abortion legislation at the same time. Hear me, friends. I’m not advocating for any specific perspective today. I’m simply highlighting the inconsistency of partisan argument.

The more then that we adopt the plurality of partisan argument, the more we lose sight of who the enemy actually is.  

That’s a problem, because if we’ve fallen prey to the mistaken presumption that he who not believes, prefers or advocates as I is actually my enemy, what am I to do? What are we inherently set to do with our enemies? What have we been taught?

Not only does the mindset exist that we have to fight our enemies, but we also have to defeat them — annihilate and eliminate. And in military, movie and most popular video game scenarios, we are even taught to shoot and kill. I’ll add a tangent pondering… with the mere existence of that last option… one must wonder if any amount of legislation has the potential to cease such a violent, oft promoted mindset.

Just like that, no less, our once understandable, individual passions, preferences and convictions have arguably unknowingly begun to contribute more to the deterioration of current culture than to its benefit. 

The reason, therefore, that Top Gun: Maverick is fantastic is because it gives us a reprieve from what our current culture has become. In the movie, they know who the enemy actually is. They work together to eradicate the evil.

Let me not spoil any of this legacy sequel, but note then what’s embedded in its feel-good storyline…

There is ample perspective; it is varied perspective.

There is disagreement; it is passionate disagreement.

There is competition; it is fierce competition.

Yet nowhere in the perspective, disagreement or competition of the movie do they confuse one another for the enemy. They differ, debate and compete. But they never get lost. They experience authentic emotion, but their emotion never becomes everyone’s reality. Again, they know who the enemy is even with all of the above.

Thanks, Maverick. I may have to see it again.

Respectfully…

AR

Lots of tough stuff in the news the last few weeks. In case we missed a broader spectrum, here are 75 questions asked from a wide range of the media the last 10 days…

1. Abortion without limits?
2. Are Better Candidates Enough for Dems To Retain Senate?
3. Are High Energy Prices Good for America?
4. Are Race Relations in America Getting Worse?
5. Are School Lockdown Drills Doing More Harm Than Good?
6. Are Trump’s Endorsees About To Lose In Georgia?
7. Are We Heading Toward a Global Recession? 
8. As the Slaughter Increases, What Are We Doing?
9. Biden: ‘No rational basis’ for ‘high-caliber’ … 9 mm pistols?
10. Biden, Democrats need Black voters to show up this fall. Will they?
11. Bitcoin Price Posts Biggest Daily Gain Since Early March, What Next?
12. California has billions. Why is homelessness still a problem?
13. Can Americans Be Trusted To Govern Selves?
14. Can Democrats Turn Things Around?
15. Can Gun Control Stop Mass Shootings?
16. Can Gun Violence Become a National Campaign Issue?
17. Can New Coach Revive the Lakers?
18. Can ‘Red Flag’ Laws Prevent Mass Shootings?
19. Did Police Respond Appropriately to the Uvalde Shooting?
20. Did Putin Wait to Invade Until Biden Became President?
21. Do Traditional Values Still Matter in School?
22. Does California have enough water for lots of new homes?
23. Does the Biden White House have a hostile work environment for black staffers?
24. Doom and Gloom: When Will It End?
25. Election Reform Is Possible. Can PA Gov. Be Convinced?
26. Fact Check: Did ‘Nobody’ Predict Inflation as Psaki Claims?
27. Gaffe or warning?
28. Gas Prices Are Rising. So Where Are the Electric Cars?
29. How Many Americans Want Student Loan Forgiveness?
30. If Watergate Happened Today, Would Nixon Have Survived?
31. Is A Recession Coming In The U.S.?
32. Is America the Real Victim of Anti-Russia Sanctions?
33. Is Fetterman Covering Up the Extent of His Health Crisis?
34. Is New York Ready for Recession?
35. If the Spike in Trans Kids Is Natural, Why Is It Regional?
36. Is Biden Crushing the Middle Class on Purpose?
37. Is the Housing Bubble About to Burst?
38. Modern Journalism: Prostitutes Or Partisan Hacks?
39. Monkeypox: Time to Worry or One to Ignore?
40. Pelosi: Why doesn’t Catholic Church punish death penalty supporters?
41. Pentagon to Congress: Inflation…. What Inflation?
42. Shouldn’t Hillary Clinton Be Banned From Twitter Now?
43. So, how many COVID deaths really?
44. So Where Were the ‘Good Guys With Guns?’
45. Tom Cruise, the Last Movie Star?
46. Voting: Should it be only for citizens?
47. What can parents do if they can’t find baby formula in stores?
48. What Did Clinton Know and When Did She Know It? 
49. What happens when the so-called good guys with guns are afraid?
50. What is Fake News?
51. What is the U.S. doing to deter China from attacking Taiwan?
52. What Should the Value of the S&P 500 Be? 
53. What Should We Do About Gun Violence?
54. What will Taiwan and China learn from Russia’s disastrous war in Ukraine?
55. What’s the next surprise in store for hurricane season?
56. When will the baby formula shortage end — and how is New York tackling price gouging?
57. When Will the Costs of War Force Peace in Ukraine? 
58. Where Have Restaurant Workers Gone After COVID? 
59. Will Biden and Stacey Abrams Eat Their Words That Georgia’s 2021 Election Law Is Jim Crow 2.0?
60. Who are the extremists?
61. Who is Salvador Ramos?
62. Who or What’s to Blame for School Shootings?
63. Who’s in Control?
64. Who’s Really To Blame for Inflation?
65. Who’s Paying Protesters to Harass Justices and Churches?
66. Why are flights being cancelled?
67. Why do liberals hate Elon Musk?
68. Why Have So Many Young Men in US Turned Violent?
69. Why Is the FDA Seizing Baby Formula During a Baby Formula Shortage?
70. Why is there a baby formula shortage?
71. Why Was Depp-Heard Trial Televised?
72. Will Democrats Lose in November?
73. Will Midterms Be Biden’s Last Hurrah?
74. Will the Coronavirus Pandemic Ever End?
75. Will the ‘Great Replacement’ Smear Work?

We take the first 75 questions we see, friends. It’s always interesting. It’s equally interesting those who choose to refrain from asking questions. There is always more to learn.

Respectfully…

AR

[Sources include but may not be limited to AllSides, Austin American-Statesman, BBC News, Bloomberg, Breaking Defense, CBS News, Charles Schwab, The Cook Political Report, Daily Caller, Daily Kos, Deseret News, ESPN, Financial Times, FiveThirtyEight, Forbes, FOX News, Frontpage, The Hill, Hot Air, Huffington Post, Indie Wire, iNews, LA Times, Microsoft News, MSNBC, NIKKEI Asia, National Review, NBC News, New York Magazine, New York Post, The New Yorker, Newsweek, Orlando Sentinel, Political Calculations, Politico, Rasmussen Reports, Real Clear Investigations, Real Time, Reason, Salon, Substack, Tablet, Townhall, USA Today, Variety, and The Wall Street Journal.]

We’ve seen the meme. “Thoughts and prayers” is the top line; “policy and change” is the phrase underneath. “Thoughts and prayers” are then crossed out. Many admit they don’t wish to diminish the peerless power of prayer; however, it’s simply not enough to focus on just prayer. We want this to stop.

We want to do something. So what can we do? The better question is: what can we do that will be effective? Focusing on the “just” is not enough. 

We hear a lot of rhetoric. We hear a lot of passion. We also hear a lot of blame. But what we don’t hear are a lot of specific, comprehensive solutions that we know will be effective. We hear a lot of “just.”

Andrew Pollack, whose 18-year-old daughter, Meadow, was murdered in the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in 2018, said something similar last week. Pollack passionately opined, “Evidently they didn’t learn anything… They didn’t learn anything from what happened in [Santa Fe] Texas at that school shooting; they didn’t learn anything from what happened in Parkland at that shooting; they didn’t learn anything from what happened at Sandy Hook. When you focus on just gun control, this is what happens. It’s happened again.”

Hear no taking of sides by me, friends. That’s not the point. The point is our continued, narrow focus on the “just.” “When you focus on just gun control” — or on prayer or on mental health or on school security — it happens again.

Yet in effort to avoid a narrowed focus in search of effectiveness, we need to first admit one politically, inconvenient truth:

We all want it to stop, friends… Republicans and Democrats alike. All demographics. Save for the few on the far radical fringes, we all wish to limit gun violence and death. 

Unfortunately, the politicians/pundits/agenda-driven-media aren’t quick to admit such. The politicians, et al. instead examine the articulated “justs” of the other side and declare themselves as the answer to the problem perpetuated by their political opposition. Please. No party has cornered the market on integrity, consistency, nor on comprehensive solution.

I chuckle somewhat sarcastically, no less, when each party attempts to tell me who cares most about children. On gun control, it’s one party; on abortion, it’s another. The parties are trying to score political points. My most liberal and most conservative friends each care deeply about children. With all due respect, I am disgusted with the partisans who attempt to manipulate us to think otherwise. That’s rhetoric. Not truth.

So that said, what do we do? What will actually make a difference? 

Let’s bring together a diverse round table for solution-oriented discussion. Let’s bring together the teachers and preachers, the psychiatrists and psychologists, gun experts and mental health specialists. Here are their instructions…

“We begin with a couple of significant caveats… 

One, you must think the best of the person on the other side of you. That means if they think differently, you ask questions. You seek to understand. You continue seeking. You remember that we all want this to stop. 

And two, you must be committed to more than the ‘justs.’ Everyone has an angle in. Don’t dismiss it. We want a comprehensive, effective solution. We know we can’t eradicate evil, but we can limit the potential for this manifestation to happen again.

Here then are your suggested tasks…

One, examine gun control. What guns are unnecessary? Ammunition? No need to confiscate weapons nor reject our individual right to bear arms. But what weapons were built more for war than for self-defense or sport?

Two, be honest about mental health. These shooters have an undeniable similar mindset; they are not ok. What is negatively influencing them? What destructive aspects of their upbringing have we ignored or unknowingly praised? Also, can you specifically weigh how red flag laws could help in this area? Red flag laws are designed to address gaps in our mental health system and are tied to the pattern of mindsets we’ve seen in mass shootings, unlike some of the other suggested law that fails to have a known tie to mental health. We need experts to study and recommend — again, not politicians, who, yes, with all due respect, are oft compromised because of having potentially other agendas and lobbyist-associations in play. We speak no ill of them. We simply all know the politicians on all sides have other motives in play.

Three, secure the schools. Friends, our banks are protected better than our schools. Let’s change this. On May 18th, the Wall Street Journal reported that 93% of the $122 billion designated for schools via federal pandemic relief money has gone unspent; districts have struggled with how to spend the money. With Covid continuing to wane, let’s take that money to secure our schools over the summer. If we can sends billions to protect what’s inside Ukraine, we can do a far better job protecting the kids inside our schools.

And two more things…  Talk about community. Talk about it a lot. Are there ways we can be more united? Are there ways we can be more involved — more helpful? More encouraging? Or responsive to potentially unhealthy behavior?

And lastly, pray. Humble yourselves and pray. Let us never give up and never be so wise in our own eyes to cross it out. We pray for wisdom and discernment, remembering we all want the same thing.”

Respectfully…

AR

At least 19 elementary students.

2 teachers. 

An 18-year-old gunman, identified as Salvador Ramos, shot and killed the above at Robb Elementary School about 85 miles west of San Antonio, Texas. The children were in second, third, and fourth grade.

Absolutely awful. Absolutely evil. The killing of innocent life.

Lord, have mercy. God be with those families. Our hearts collectively grieve.

There are at least five stages — five emotions — associated with grief. Originally dubbed the “five stages of death,” Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published her theory in 1969. The five most common emotional reactions to loss or grief are — in sequence — as follows:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

All are valid. None are easy. And as we continually learn to love our neighbor as ourself, we respect all where they are.

The challenge becomes when we get stuck in a stage. With the exception of acceptance, “stuckness” in any of the above is presumably unhealthy.

Sad as I wish to admit, I’ve been there.

Many will rush to lash out…

“This is the reason… this party is the reason… this person is the reason…”

Sure. I get it. It’s easy to finger point. It’s easy to politicize; it’s easy to argue about who cares more about the totality of life. The first bottom line is that it’s easy. It’s easy to hold someone else or something else completely responsible other than, the person responsible. It’s easy. None of us want this to happen any more! Again, Lord have mercy.

To be clear, we don’t know…

We don’t know the motive…

We don’t know the gunman’s mental health…

We don’t know what laws were broken… purchase, possession, immigration, etal.

We don’t know what laws would have been effective…

We don’t know how social media played a role…

We don’t know why this elementary school…

We don’t know why he reportedly killed his grandmother first…

The second bottom line is that we don’t even know what we don’t know.

When we know — and when we are collectively out of the first four stages of grief — we can work to make such incidents less alluring to the evil or the sick. What laws would be most effective? What would actually deter the evil? [See link below.] Friends, this isn’t a Republican problem or a Democrat problem; disturbingly, this is a humankind problem. If we could see it that way, maybe we could minimize the manifestation of this evil. This is no time to attempt to score political points; this is a time to be instruments of peace.

Let me humbly add one more tough topic. I am deeply uncomfortable with the brash retort encouraging forgoing of any thoughts and prayers; some use a different choice, crass ”f” word. I understand the impatience; it’s a part of the grief — the undeniable horror. None of us want this to happen again. None; this is what it means to honor life. But when we forgo the unprecedented wisdom offered by the great big God of the universe — the One who knows each of us best — we only give way to continued human delusion, beguiled by the notion that we need no wisdom greater than we. With all due respect, perhaps it’s precisely that forgoing that has allowed us to see this as a political issue, rather than an issue with all humankind… how evil can dwell in the actual heart of a human.

We need wisdom, friends… deeply… desperately… wisdom that’s collective, not stuck in any stage, and not focused on the easy or the finger pointing or the politics… this is hard, grievous stuff.

So in our grief, let’s humbly do this. In honor of those 19 kids and teachers. May the evil killing of the innocent soberly prompt what is better and wiser in each of us. May we humbly start by moving forward together. It will be hard. But the hard is necessary and worth it.

Soberly…

AR

[P.S. For more on a potential, reasonable deterrent to mass shootings, consider this proposal by the articulate, highly respected, and always respectful, David French, advocating for the passage of “red flag laws” and scrutinizing what current law is ineffective and why. It is a wise read. Focused on solution. Together. https://frenchpress.thedispatch.com/p/pass-and-enforce-red-flag-laws-now?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email&utm_content=share&token=eyJ1c2VyX2lkIjo0OTQ2ODY3LCJfIjoiL2hFR2QiLCJpYXQiOjE2NTM0ODE2NTcsImV4cCI6MTY1MzQ4NTI1NywiaXNzIjoicHViLTIxNzY1Iiwic3ViIjoicG9zdC1yZWFjdGlvbiJ9.2c-7bZiWvcN6o9E_9gDb_CceYnVanSNs5zc1d2RCQ5Q&s=r]

It’s no secret that the Intramuralist is proud of Purdue University… incredibly grateful, too. There’s much wisdom to be gleaned there. We provide a little bit more in today’s post, an excerpt from Purdue President Mitch Daniels’ remarks during the university’s spring commencement ceremonies last weekend…

“Greetings, friends, and welcome. I should say ‘welcome back.’ We are back in Elliott Hall, where Purdue spring commencements belong, for the first time in three years. And as I’ll tell you in a few minutes, to me that matters beyond just the pleasure of returning to this beautiful, traditional venue.

Starting with my first delivery of these remarks a decade ago, I have ended them with the same signoff: ‘Hail Purdue, and each of you.’ It was just meant to be a little signature, a rhetorical device chosen as much for its cadence as for any deep meaning. But reflecting on this year’s ceremony got me thinking that maybe there’s more to it than what I’ve intended all these years.

Many talks on these occasions address themselves to ‘all you graduates’ or ‘the Class of 20-x’. I guess I’ve approached it that way some years. Today, I’m thinking more like those movie tough guys who ask, ‘You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me?’ Today, I’ll be talking to you, each of you, individually, or at least I’ll be trying to.

A friend told me of a commencement he attended where the speaker, to inject a little levity, advised the graduates, ‘In life, it’s not who you know that counts. It’s whom.’ (I assume at least the English majors in the crowd get it.) A funny line, but bad advice. It is who that counts. Not who you know, but who you are.

The further I go, the less I’m sure how to answer the question, ‘Who are you?’ Where to start? I’m a Purdue employee, a happy husband, a father of four, a businessman, a former elected official, a Presbyterian elder, a history buff, and a mediocre golfer. Ancestry.com informs me that genetically I’m more Syrian and Lebanese than anything else, but I’ve got high percentages of Scotch, Welsh and a dash of Italian mixed in.

And I’m a dog lover. I grew up in a family of them. We got all ours from the Humane Society, every one some sort of mixture. And every one was great: loyal, loving, a full member of the family. During those years, I adopted my mother’s opinion that mutts are the best. We’d all better hope Mom was right. Because we’re all mutts here today. Hybrids, amalgams, crossbreeds, mongrels. Mutts. If you doubt that, go check with Ancestry.com.

There are no one-dimensional ‘you’s.’ Every one of you, when you pause to think about it, can already name a list of qualities that make up ‘you.’ That list will keep growing as you leave here and launch into the fascinating and varied lives you are destined to lead. You’ll keep learning, and growing, and adding new elements to your individuality. The more facets a diamond has, I’m told, the more brilliant it is; the same will be true for an ever more interesting and differentiated ‘you.’ The one certainty is that there will be no exact copies, no one just like you and, therefore, no one box anyone can stick you in.

But there will be people who want to take away your ‘you.’ There always have been. The pharaohs, monarchs, and warlords of old, to whom other people were mere tools, to be used and discarded. In recent times, the proponents of all the ‘isms’ that viewed people as helpless ciphers in some predetermined historical trend, or valueless instruments of an all-powerful state. In the worst cases, some people were grouped together and treated as sub-human, not deserving to exist at all.

These days, your individuality is challenged by some who seek to slap a label on you, to lump you into one category or another, and to assert that whatever you are, your choices have little to do with it. What matters is not what you think or do, they claim, but what group they have assigned you to. You’re a prisoner of your genes, or of circumstance, or of some societal forces against which you are defenseless.

Such views may be cloaked in caring, sympathetic terms, but they are deeply disrespectful of those they affect to be supporting. They are a denial of your personal dignity, and ability, and will power. Someone attempting to herd you into a group is someone with an agenda, and your personal wellbeing is not its main purpose.

Your experience, and success, at this institution should convince you not to listen to such disrespect. In a few moments, when you walk up here, it will be your individual achievement we are honoring, and only you know how much individual effort it took to get here.

He eventually gave Colts fans like me a thousand great memories, but never one I admired more than Peyton Manning’s first action as a professional athlete. At the news conference announcing his multimillion-dollar contract, the 22-year-old Manning was asked, ‘What are you going to do with all that money?’ He answered, ‘Earn it.’

The degree you are about to receive is not being conferred on a group. We aren’t awarding it to any club, team, or fraternity you happen to belong to. It’s not because of your hair style, eye color, or because your parents went to Purdue. Nothing entitled you to it. It is yours, and yours alone, because the work that justifies it was yours. You earned it. You…

At the outset, I said there was a larger reason I was so happy to be back in Elliott Hall. That’s because, in here, over six separate ceremonies, Purdue still honors every graduate one by one. Most schools our size long ago went to batch processing, where degrees are conferred on groups, sometimes the entire class at once.

Here, we take a different view. No matter how big Purdue gets, we value each Boilermaker as an individual. That diploma we’re about to hand you is yours and yours alone. Sure, you had help, and support, and I hope some valuable mentoring, but fundamentally you will be crossing this stage because of what you have accomplished. You.

So walk proudly. You are about to add another facet to the diamond that is you: ‘Graduate of Purdue University.’ It will be far from your last distinction, but I hope it will always be one that you value as highly as your university values you today. Hail Purdue, and each of … you.”

Respectfully…

AR

I hate it when awful things happen… when tragedy strikes… when the world is witness to evil made manifest… It’s absolutely awful. 

How do we make sense of that which makes no sense? 

How, too, when witness to the awful are we to wisely respond?

Allow me to quickly be clear; this blog will offer no simplistic answer; it’s not so easy to declare what works. But we do seem to know what doesn’t work. We’re passionate people; we engage in a variety of vehement response. But passion doesn’t equate to effectiveness.

Let us thus highlight two chosen, popular, questionable means of response. First, as articulated by Salvy Snr, an author who lives and writes in Nigeria, on how we respond by feeling justified in shaming the silent. Writes Snr:

“As a child — an African child — I grew up being manipulated and guilt-tripped into doing many things I didn’t want to do.

Every wall I faced had a specific kind of graffiti that made me feel bad for my (in)actions. I’d desist from playing football with my friends because, ‘What would people say if they saw the school’s quiz representative soiling himself alongside razz pupils?’ At home, I’d cringe myself into discussions I had no interest in, just to pre-empt verbal kvetchings about me being too detached from the family.

I’d go out of my mentally paved way to do certain things I wasn’t built to do, so as to let the pressure lift away. I was too young to know that my mental health was being compromised.

I’ve seen comments on social media subtly or brazenly guilt-tripping people — celebrities and nobodies alike — for their apparent silence. There have been comments on Twitter such as ‘Kanye West has been uncharacteristically silent,’ ‘I thought [insert famous black woman] was a black woman, too? Why isn’t she saying anything?’ ‘If you’re black, and you’re quiet during these times, you’re racist.’

There are remarks such as these in the thousands. Some get told in person, and are being forced to say something, when in reality no one has a clear understanding of their silence…”

A second popular (albeit not necessarily effective) response is blame. Andrea Blundell, the Editor-in-Chief and lead writer of the Harley Therapy counseling blog, wrote a great piece a few years ago on “Why We Put the Blame On Others” — including the title’s second half: “and the Real Cost We Pay.”

Blundell defines blaming as “the fine art of making others responsible for all the difficult things that happen to us.” She then boldly asks if such is helpful.

Her entire essay is excellent and worth reading. But what’s interesting to note and relevant to today’s post is Blundell’s synopsis of why we blame other people. She includes five succinct reasons — such as how blame allows us to unload our emotions, protect our own ego, and avoid any vulnerability. But it was the first reason that stood out to me.

Reason number one for the blame game?

(Let’s be honest, can we?)

“Blaming others is easy,” writes Blundell. [Emphasis mine.] “Blame means less work as when we blame, we don’t have to be held accountable.”

As said at the onset of this blog, I hate it when awful things happen.

It makes it harder, too, when we respond so poorly.

Respectfully…

AR