Tag: DOMA

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defense of what?

Let’s face it.  This is a tough issue.  What is marriage?

 

I mean it.

 

Where’d it start?

Who ordained it?

What’s the purpose?

 

Contrary to the politicized, popular belief, the gay and lesbian persons in our communities are not any new kind of super-villain.  Contrary, too, to the polar opposite, politicized, popular belief, the evangelicals in our neighborhoods are not holders of hatred and wishers of evil.  The reality is that each is a group of individuals attempting to follow a way that seems right to them.

 

But funny how we work sometimes.  We aren’t always ok with allowing others to seek the way they currently feel is right — especially when that path is the opposite of what we embrace.  So many on all sides (even those who consider themselves highly intelligent) prefer squelching opposing paths and opinion.

 

So where is the conversation?  Can we discuss what marriage is about?

 

The discourse is certainly not being currently held on Facebook or on any social cyber-space site (which in my opinion, may be the final frontier of where arrogance is still both lavishly practiced and praised).  Those one-liner status updates on all sides of the issue are not helping, friends.

 

Where is the conversation?

 

What’s the purpose of marriage?

 

Was it established by the organized church?  If so, then what role does the government play in offering any definition?

 

Also, for those who stand by the historical tradition of one man and one woman united in holy matrimony, where is the respectful conversation regarding how pathetic (sorry, I truly mean no disrespect), but yes, how pathetic some of our heterosexual cultures of marriage have become?  What have we taught and accepted in regard to addiction, adultery, absent fathers, divorce, pornography, etc.?  Yes, some of us have been in some tough situations.  I’m only asking what are we teaching?  And when we teach and encourage, do we do so with a truth and grace applicable to all?

 

Men are called to cherish women; women are called to respect men; it’s wise that we both cherish and respect one another.  But we get angry or hurt and then feel justified in withholding one of those actions.  Then the so-called, damaging ‘crazy cycle’ begins.  That cycle — regardless of gender — also seems to clash with any concept of a God-honoring marriage.

 

Friends, I do not know all the answers.  I know that there are good people on all sides of this debate; many, too, remain somewhere in the middle.  My desire, no less, is to engage in a humble, respect-filled conversation where we quit assuming all who feel differently than us are either ignorant or evil.  Some of the cheers and chants and status one-uppers — while perhaps fun to pen — do not help the conversation… and they do not create positive dialogue.

 

Hence, here’s the question:  what is marriage?  What is worth defending?

 

Perhaps if we started there — with listening and respecting replacing boasting and chastising — we would influence others in a way that not even the Supreme Court can.

 

Respectfully,

AR

Posted on

gay marriage

Can we talk?

Seriously, can we talk?

 

As I watched the red equals sign go viral on Tuesday — knowing the Supreme Court was hearing arguments in regard to California’s Proposition 8, a voter-approved backing of the Defense of Marriage Act — I was struck by the lack of dialogue of the day.

 

In all seriousness, friends, in regard to this issue — in regard to gay marriage and its approval, constitutionality, and societal acceptance — allow me to say this:  there are some of you on both sides of this issue that I have significant difficulty talking to.  Why?  Because you don’t listen.  You don’t listen to me.  In fact, you don’t listen to anyone… well, at least anyone you don’t know ahead of time will automatically agree with your perspective.

 

It’s not that I don’t respect you.  It’s not that I don’t respect your opinion.  It’s rather because you feel so emboldened that you are right that you have no respect for the opinion of any other.  Listening, my friends, is a sign of respect.

 

Let’s face it; this is an emotionally driven argument.  Many of you who support gay marriage have had an experience that has propelled you in that direction.  Perhaps either you or a beloved friend or family member is gay and thus you have passionately painted this as an issue of equality.  Perhaps you see it as civil right…  an equal pursuit of happiness, and each of us deserves to be happy!  Thus, anyone who feels differently than you is a bigot… or a homophobe… or perhaps, egad, something far worse.

 

Similarly, many of you who oppose gay marriage have read all the scriptures that have caused you to condemn it — and condemn it with a spewing passion.  You have read the old… and read the new.  You have then weighted this sin above all others… overlooking “specks” elsewhere in order to zero in on this huge “log.”  Thus, anyone who feels differently than you is a blatant sinner…  or a gay sympathizer… or yes, perhaps, egad, something far worse.

 

The reality is that I find it challenging to talk with both of you.  I don’t always enjoy it.  Why?  Because with all due respect, my friends — really — you guys stink at dialogue.

 

I don’t say that with any articulation of hatred or meanness or even disrespect.  There was a time in my life when if anyone in my physical presence actually opposed the obvious, enduring greatness of baseball’s Cincinnati Reds, I couldn’t talk with them either.  I had no desire to listen.  I was right.  They were wrong.  End of story.

 

Here, however, is where a huge problem lies…

 

This is a tough issue.  Gay marriage is hard.  This is an issue where not everyone who supports it nor everyone who opposes it is some arrogant, blind, or idiotic zealot.  Not everyone who supports it is a weakminded sympathizer nor everyone who opposes it is a prideful homophobe.  But yet, far too many of us act that way; far too many of us judge those who possess a differing perspective.  And far too many of us find solace in the facade that if we keep shouting a little louder the other side will recognize the obvious error in their ways… forgetting that hardly ever — ever — does shouting prompt positive, lasting change.

 

We have forgotten that it isn’t just law either side wants changed.  Law is only the law.  Hearts are far greater… far, far more powerful…  far, far more influential.  Whether you believe either side is sinful or wrong, a change of heart is more meaningful than any change in legality.  And heart change, friends, will never happen as a result of one side shouting louder.

 

Hence, I return to my original question…

 

Can we talk?

Can we — will we — are we brave enough — bold enough — humble enough — to ask why each feels the way they do?  Is there a way to work together?  … that is, as an actual, united state of America?

 

Or is it sadly acceptable to simply stink at dialogue?

 

Respectfully,

AR