Category: Daily Life

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without compromising

Sometimes we’re at our best when speaking the elementary to adolescents. We’re more clear, more concise…

We’re better at sharing wisdom in ways that are patient and gentle without compromising boldness or truth.

We point fewer fingers. We emphasize the hope.

Perhaps because it wasn’t a campaign rally or PR event, there wasn’t a massive news media presence nor was there any reliance upon a TelePrompter. There also was thus minimal reporting on the address when it was given. Here was Chief Justice John Roberts, delivering the ninth-grade commencement address at Cardigan Mountain School in a small New Hampshire town.

With his son in the audience, he shared what The Washington Post would later publicize in an article entitled:

“The Best Thing Chief Justice Roberts Wrote This Term Wasn’t a Supreme Court Opinion.”

After solely reading one paragraph of his approximate 11 minute address, the Intramuralist concurs. After instructing the students to stand and applaud their parents and others who had provided significant guidance — and then joked that he would later be able to report that his speech was “interrupted by applause” — Roberts shared the following wise words with the budding teens:

“From time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly so that you will come to know the value of justice. I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty. Sorry to say, but I hope you will be lonely from time to time so that you don’t take friends for granted. I wish you bad luck, again, from time to time so that you will be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand that your success is not completely deserved and that the failure of others is not completely deserved either.”

How often are we impatient? … solely looking at the negative? … simply pleading or demanding that our circumstances change?

Are we missing the blessing? … the blessing in which…

Unfairness helps us know justice…
Betrayal teaches us loyalty…
And loneliness shows us the need for friendship and fellowship…

Roberts continues…

“Over the last couple of years, I’ve gotten to know many of you young men pretty well. And I know you are good guys. But you are also privileged young men. And if you weren’t privileged when you came here, you’re privileged now because you have been here. My advice is don’t act like it. When you get to your new school, walk up and introduce yourself to the person who is raking the leaves, shoveling the snow or emptying the trash. Learn their name, and call them by their name during your time at the school. Another piece of advice — when you pass by people you don’t recognize on the walks, smile, look them in the eye, and say hello. The worst thing that will happen is that you will become known as the young man who smiles and says hello. And that is not a bad thing to start with.”

Since all men are created equal, it’s wise to treat each other as such.

Smile and say “hello” to all those along your path. Don’t look down on or point fingers at anyone; neither wins friends nor influences people for good.

I love it when one is wise but still patient and gentle without compromising boldness or truth.

Well done, Mr. Roberts… well done.

Respectfully…
AR

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what’s most important

The stakes were high.

Each side wanted to win.

No side had any desire to lose. They refused.

And both sides thought this issue, this event, this moment in time, was most necessary to bring home a victory.

… We can’t be too sympathetic. We can’t give too much. We can’t totally listen nor give up much. We must stand our ground. We must support our side only…

And then it happened.

The man fell to the ground.

No pulse. No pulse.

Make no mistake about it; the man was a fan of only one side. He only rooted for one. And he rooted fiercely. He clearly sided with one over the other — maybe even uttered a few expletives. He firmly believed the opposing advocates were way off base.

One woman then loudly summoned all those in the audience. “Help!”… Her same-side supporter was now slumped over in his seat. “He’s weak,” another said, in realization that in the middle of this whole, fierce debate, help from any side was needed.

And help now.

A man had fallen to the floor. His life was in jeopardy. Would all those on opposing sides realize his life was in jeopardy? Would they react promptly to help him? Would they keep what’s most important, most important? Could they even see that?

Or would they let their support systems get in the way? … would they block what’s right? … and skew perspective?

I admit… the passions run deep… legitimately deep.

Let me diminish not anyone’s passion.

Those near started chest compressions. One of the men, in fact, leading the care for the stricken supporter was actually a supporter of the other so-called side.

He performed mouth-to-mouth… five to seven minutes… until medics arrived.

“He started breathing on his own a little and his pulse came back, and we were fortunate we were able to revive him,” said the supporter.

Fortunate…

That word strikes me… he knew we were fortunate… even… from the other… side.

Republican, Democrat…

Trump, Clinton…

Black, white…

Feminist, meninist…

The dividing lines run deep.

I wonder how many would have refrained from helping simply because of the side from which one hailed. That is a sad commentary on today’s culture… even upon today’s intelligent…

The University of Florida and Louisiana State University share a fierce, competitive rivalry. There is often a public back and forth, negative feelings shared, with little expressed compassion. They are both incredibly, athletically talented and competitive. And they want to win. Because of their continual, direct competition against one another, those Gators and Tigers don’t like each other very much. Sometimes we even hear the word “hate.”

This past week the two regular season, co-SEC champions squared off for the annual College World Series, and surprising to no one, the fierce rivalry continued. It was tough. It was rough. It was full of passion and deeply held opinion. Some of the words expressed on the playing field should be heard by no one.

On the night before game one in the best-of-3 series, an 87-year-old Florida fan apparently suffered a heart attack and had no pulse. The father of a star LSU pitcher helped revive him.

Thank you.

Thank you for being an excellent example to the rest of us. Thank you for focusing on what’s most important…. thank you for knowing when individual passions should be set aside… thank you for knowing when the name calling should be nonexistent… and thank you for knowing when we should each be shaken to our core, remembering that there is better and more that binds us together.

Respectfully…
AR

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doctor, doctor…

For weeks, I didn’t answer their phone call. I give them credit. They tried multiple times. Sincerely. I just wasn’t in position to take the call. Between a graduating senior, a special needs teen, a house on the market, and frequent single parenting, it was less of a priority to me make my son’s annual doctor’s appointment.

I know… bad parenting award.

My special needs teen was born with a congenital heart defect. Being born with a life-threatening limitation, having it repaired, surrendering my inability to control the outcome… such is one of the most powerful, peace-giving, faith stories of my life…

What are those things in your life that are so big, you know you have to rely on something other than self?

But alas, I digress. It’s just hard not to give God credit when you know there is no way something could have happened outside of him. I praise God for what he did with my son. And with my family. And with me.

So for weeks and months last winter and spring, the local children’s hospital called me, attempting to schedule Josh for his annual cardiology checkup. It’s somewhat tricky. The cardiologists only have so much time for clinical assessments; appointments are limited. By late spring, no less, they quit calling.

As the light at the end of my figurative tunnel soon became clearer this month — and both grad festivities and house activities were winding down — I realized it’d be wise to schedule said appointment. And so I meekly returned their call.

Acknowledging that the delay was my fault, I attempted to schedule an appointment with our cardiologist for mid-July. Note: the Intramuralist & Co. are taking their talents to Central Florida next month, so an appointment here would need to happen ahead of time. There’s one problem; with limited appointments, there are no appointments available with Josh’s cardiologist until mid-August.

I didn’t do what I should have. I didn’t do what was most prudent. I screwed up. And now I couldn’t get my kid what he needed most.

Pause for a second…

In that scenario, how do we typically react? Do we cry out? Do we become demanding? … even when the error is “mine”?

The registration staff and I first decided to give one another a few days to think on it, discerning the wisest way forward. Maybe, in fact, there would be a cancellation we could take advantage of. After a week, it was concluded that there was no option in Cincinnati for us. We could not get in to see our doctor. We could see another doctor, but not one who was already familiar with Josh’s care.

That being the case, I asked for a recommendation in the Orlando area. If we need to start anew with another cardiologist, it seemed logical to us that we should start anew in our coming community.

The nurse on the phone called me later with three recommendations. As I asked about each, she commented that one of the doctors is actually still on staff here in Cincinnati — the families love him. Several from the midwest, in fact, are committed to traveling the 920 some miles in the future, because they respect this particular doctor deeply. 

I asked a few more questions, as this sounded like an excellent option.

The nurse shared that the highly regarded physician was transferring to a new, highly regarded healthcare facility in a new, expanding area of Orlando. “I’ve heard the name,” I pondered aloud to the nurse.

With Google Maps making us all look like more confident navigators than we really are, I quickly exclaimed, “It’s only two miles from our new house in Florida!!”

Had I done what I could have… had I done what I even should have… the end result would not have been this good.

Sometimes the biggest blessings come in spite of us…
… without asking…
… when least expected…
… in practical, wonderful ways.

Respectfully…
AR

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lasts

Today is my middle son’s last day of high school. No words, no less, will be shared this day in regard to any graduate encouragement, praise or proclamation; such is an approximate week away. I wish to instead speak of something different yet relevant. I wish to speak about all these “lasts.”

For JT, it was his last day…

His last day in Biotech…
His last Nerf Wars…
His last time pulling into 1 Tiger Trail no more than half awake…
His last mad dash out of the parking lot at the end of the day…
His last avoidance of the school lunch…
His last late night scarfing through the pantry for what to put in his sack lunch…
His last show choir competition…
His last show choir “grand champions” award…
His last class field trip…
His last concert…
His last egg drop invention…
His last game…
His last time to put on the uniform…
His last morning searching for clean socks…
His last GPA/class rank announcement…
His last day in the stands…
His last time cheering on his buddies…
His last prom…
(His last time his madre pays for prom…)
His last ACT attempt…
His last undergrad application…
His last high school essay…
His last morning scrambling for some festive spirit wear…
His last early-morning-not-talking-to-his-brother, simultaneously getting ready…
His last late night, thankful moment, talking with his parents…
His last show choir guys sleepover…
His last “grab-some-food-at-B-Dubs” after school…
His last time to take the mound…
His last daily banter with the guidance department…
His last morn not really eating the minimal breakfast I made for him before school…
His last political debate in AP Gov…
And his last day doing life with his current best friends…

While “lasts” often make us grimace — as much of what we love, does come to an end — I’ve learned that “lasts” give life meaning. It’s why wrestling with the reality of heaven and hell is vital; they’re the only things said to forever last.

“Lasts” help us not take whatever-the-last-describes for granted.

In fact, it’s one of the main reasons, this semi-humble current events observer advocates for term limits; if our representatives knew they had only a limited time to serve us well, perhaps they would listen more closely to the totality of their constituents, work better with the persons across the aisle, and be more prudent in their decision-making and spending. They only have so much time to serve. They need to serve us well.

Just a simple thought today, recognizing that most things exist only for a season, and yes, seasons change. Seasons give life value. Life has some necessary endings, allowing us to get to what’s next.

While I pondered this post yesterday afternoon, my son had 20, maybe 25 of his friends out in the backyard playing a rousing game of football. While a regular routine of theirs, no doubt it was the last after school game of his high school tenure.

Wisely, he enjoyed it so.

Respectfully…
AR

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flipping the bird

I love it when spring and summer welcome the way to warmer weather. Days lengthen and sleeves shorten, and at least in the mid and northern states, neighbors begin to commune more outside together.

One of my personal fave responses is rolling down the window, opening up the sun roof, and letting the music blare… maybe straight from the latest hit pop charts… maybe an 80’s throwback… maybe a little contemporary Christian mixed in, just to keep me grounded.

I love driving and living like this!

A couple weeks ago, we experienced one of those breakthrough days. The warmer weather had peeked through, but still wasn’t here to stay.

I was driving as depicted down a decently busy, more residential street, maybe going somewhere near 35 m.p.h. After the stopped light turned green, I pressed on the accelerator (and revved up the music) and started to go. But immediately, all of a sudden, a sharp red sports car gunned his gas pedal and turned right in front of me, causing me to stop and slam on the brakes.

I admit… I thought about my reaction for a prolonged nano-second, but then I hit my horn briefly, calling attention to the man’s actions. It wasn’t a long honk, but it was a honk nonetheless, bringing attention to the misdoings of the man.

Let’s be clear. I had the right of way. There was zero question. There was no existence of “gray” in this intersection.

The driver of the other car made a decision that was questionable. I had done no wrong. However, when his decision-making was drawn attention to, he promptly responded by sticking his hand up and out his open window, and flipped me none other than the infamous, disrespectful “bird.”

Did I have to honk? No.

Was it wrong for me to honk? No.

Did I lay on my horn and exaggerate any offense? No.

I simply called attention to the choice of another that was questionable at best. He couldn’t handle the question. Let me say it one another way: he wasn’t willing to handle the question.

It thus made me wonder how often we do that… how often we can’t handle the question. And instead of dealing with our own responsibility, our own culpability, how our own decisions potentially negatively influence others, we are quick to flip that bird, so-to-speak… we are quick to deflect all attention so that we never have to wrestle with personal responsibility.

Perhaps we intentionally or unintentionally exaggerate or share a mistruth… “yeah, but he… she lied first…”

Or we treat someone rudely…  “yeah, but he… she… they were mean to me…”

Or maybe we simply refuse to forgive… “they hurt me… don’t you know that? … don’t you know what they did?”

How often do we deflect the blame?

Better yet, how often do we ignore our own involvement? How often do we allow the behavior of another to prompt the denial of personal responsibility? How often do we refuse to acknowledge ethical, moral, or relational wrongdoing simply because it’s easier to point fingers at any who call attention to it?

People… parties… us.

It’s tough. It’s easier just to flip those birds. Regardless of season.

Respectfully…
AR

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what’s positive?

Last post, we asked our audience: what is the biggest problem in today’s culture? With a plethora of responses, many responded with an answer related to personal responsibility, the ill effects of social media, declining moral/faith values, over-value of self and own opinions/wants/and needs, and some kind of “lack” — especially lack of education, reverence for God, and respect for one another.

I appreciate, too, the answers that filtered in thereafter, with one of the more poignant responses centering around how our culture treats those with unseen illness, specifically mentioning mental illness. From my limited perspective, there is no “side” that consistently treats those with mental illness or cognitive disability consistently well. Sometimes we as a culture can be quite judgmental of what we do not see… what we do not know… what we do not understand.

That said, we flipped the question for today’s dialogue. What do you think is the biggest positive regarding today’s culture?

Allow me a couple of acknowledgements prior to sharing the responses. As in our last post, I heard from many — and I heard from a diverse many… persons from varied age, stage, ethnicity, circumstance, political leaning, etc. I love that! … and I value it deeply. The same was again true. I also witnessed significant overlap within that diversity. I love that, too. Such tells me that we may not be as far apart or polarized as the supposed “sides” as some want us to believe we are in order to fulfill their own agenda.

However, I did find persons having a harder time vocalizing their opinion and doing so concisely. I have thus tried to group the responses and overlap, as possible. Here’s what people said: what do you think is the biggest positive regarding today’s culture?

  • Freedom (… answers included individual liberty, lifestyle, religion, from government, etc.)
  • Awareness (… much in regard to ongoings in the city, country, and world… as one person said it, “We are more globally connected to the struggles across the globe.”)
  • Speed of social awareness
  • Innovation
  • Technology
  • Social media (… answers centered around two primary aspects: one, the global awareness as above expressed; and two, the ability to maintain friendships regardless of geographic location…)
  • Ease of access to varied perspectives and points of view
  • Compassion
  • Generosity
  • Passion (… as opposed to apathy, that passion could lead to positive results, if used for good…)
  • Acceptance (… both of people and varying lifestyle…)
  • Openness
  • Tolerance (…not political…)
  • Improved opportunities (… especially for people that, in the past, would have been marginalized due to race, religion, or gender…)
  • Improved educational opportunity
  • The respect and voice women have (… said by an American currently living in foreign country…)
  • The youth
  • The number speak out for the voiceless, feed the hungry, take care of the poor and practice justice and mercy
  • That this culture is temporal — not eternal
  • God’s grace
  • God is not dead
  • God is working
  • God is still in control — in spite of us!

And there were several who added the following:
There are still good, kind and humble people in this world!

Hence, a couple concluding notes…

Just as we found when asking about the problems instead of the positives, there was no consistent pointing to a specific person or party. There were not these so-called political divides; the above answers came from persons who lean all over the place politically.

Also, with the exception of the social media responses (which, one will note, showed up as both a positive and a problem), as one participant shared, “A good number of the responses relate to problems that aren’t entirely new. It seems that many comment on the universal human condition — a condition that has existed for many years — and not solely the decline of American society in 2017.”

That should tell us something. That should stop some of the finger pointing. That should prompt us to increased empathy and forgiveness… and decreased selfishness and “sides.”

There is good in this world.

Respectfully…
AR

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what’s wrong?

In a very unscientific study, I asked a simple question regarding today’s culture. Fascinatingly, there seems significant belief that there is something wrong; however, there is also significant disagreement in regard to what that wrong actually is.

90 respondents offered various insight. I was struck by the overlap; many people shared similar answers. But the reality within the responses is that there are some eye-opening themes, beginning with some basics… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture? (Note that answers have been somewhat simplified and combined…)

  • Forgetting common courtesy
  • No more manners and patience
  • No kindness and humility
  • Entitlement (… even “in our youth,” said one, noting the infamous “participation trophy”…)
  • Expectation of immediate results; instant gratification
  • Denial of what is true
  • Hardheartedness
  • How political correctness inhibits teaching and truth
  • Little knowledge of history
  • The value of money being placed above that of humanity
  • Politics for profit
  • Polarization
  • Government dependency
  • Basic respect and appreciation of differences
  • Intolerance of different opinions
  • Ignorance disguised as confidence
  • The abandonment of “innocent until proven guilty”
  • Becoming a culture of entertainment rather than work

There is also significant concern about ethical activity… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture?

  • No common morality (no more right/wrong — do what feels right for you)
  • The erosion of any sense of moral standards
  • Fuzzy grey area being tolerated for everything

Many spoke about family and relationship… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture?

  • The breakdown of the family unit and prevalence of single parent households
  • Changed parenting expectations
  • Distracted parenting and distracted people (… usually via technology…)
  • The societal devaluation of God, life, and family
  • God being eliminated from everything
  • Not much emphasis on respect for another person/relationship
  • The way we interact with and treat each other
  • No grasp of authentic love (… without love, there is no discipline; without discipline, there is no respect…)
  • People no longer  take the time to truly understand a situation before they give their opinion

One surprising thing to me was the number of different ways respondents expressed concern about how we see ourselves… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture?

  • Selfishness
  • Self-righteousness
  • Self centeredness (… this idea that “your happiness is all that matters”…)
  • We actually believe the advertisers claim that “it’s all about you!”
  • A “me-centered” outlook
  • Self-love or self-worship
  • Putting self and things in a role only capable of being filled by God
  • Relativism or self-exultation (…thinking oneself is what matters most…)
  • People believing their opinions/wants/needs are more important than anyone else’s
  • Minimal concern for others (It’s all about a “me first” attitude anymore; driving, waiting in line, etc.)
  • Our human nature to focus only on “me”

Not to be outdone, many mentioned some aspect of media or news… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture?

  • Social media (… it creates many different problems… from bullying, to the “keeping up with the Jones’s” or the “grass is always greener” mentalities, to the hiding behind the computer and saying things you might not say to someone’s face.)
  • Too much social media, news & no privacy (Everyone is looking at everyone’s lives and not living their own.)
  • Sensationalism in the news and everyday life
  • The free flow of information — creating, unknowingly, a surface-level-only knowledge

Lastly, I was struck by the plethora of “lack’s” (some just as above, that have been combined, and that overlap with above topics)… what do you think is the biggest problem in today’s culture?

  • Lack of empathy
  • Lack of compassion for others
  • Lack of critical thinking
  • Lack of education
  • Lack of forgiveness
  • Lack of foundation on truth
  • Lack of commitment and loyalty
  • Lack of moral values and faith
  • Lack of reverence for God
  • Lack of knowledge/belief/honor/respect of God
  • Lack of decency and civility
  • Lack of personal responsibility
  • Lack of respect for the sanctity of human life (… including unborn, elderly, disabled, minority races…)
  • Lack of trust
  • Lack of tolerance
  • Lack of respect for other nationalities, religions, customs etc.
  • Lack of respect for our fellow man
  • Lack of self-awareness
  • Lack of perspective on how good a life we have and what we’re capable of accomplishing
  • Lack of thoughtfulness
  • Lack of accountability for one’s own actions
  • Lack of love — true love — wanting the “best” for another
  • Total lack of respect

That’s a lot of concern. Hence, allow me to conclude by sharing a single, brief reflection…

90 persons responded to my question. Of those 90 — people who hail from totally varied age, stage, circumstance, political leanings, etc. — there was much common ground and ample overlap. It thus seems to me that if we could somehow get past the age, stage, circumstance, political leanings stuff, then maybe, just maybe, we could start to wrestle with what’s actually wrong.

Respectfully… (yes, always…)
AR

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hacked

On Sunday, April 9th, CNN host and CBS correspondent Anderson Cooper presented the a piece on “60 Minutes” with the following lead in:

“What is ‘brain hacking’? Tech insiders on why you should care…”

In a culture that continues to buy into this idea that Facebook is somehow authentic conversation, Snapchat is an accurate picture of one’s life, and any of the above and other social media apps/sites qualify as any kind of listening or dialogue, we should care about “brain hacking.”

Cooper began: “Have you ever wondered if all those people you see staring intently at their smartphones — nearly everywhere, and at all times — are addicted to them? According to a former Google product manager you are about to hear from, Silicon Valley is engineering your phone, apps and social media to get you hooked. He is one of the few tech insiders to publicly acknowledge that the companies responsible for programming your phones are working hard to get you and your family to feel the need to check in constantly. Some programmers call it ‘brain hacking’ and the tech world would probably prefer you didn’t hear about it.”

Cooper proceeds to interview Tristan Harris, who according to CBS, “was living the Silicon Valley dream. He dropped out of a master’s program at Stanford University to start a software company. Four years later Google bought him out and hired him as a product manager. It was while working there he started to feel overwhelmed.”

Said Harris: “Honestly, I was just bombarded in email and calendar invitations and just the overload of what it’s like to work at a place like Google. And I was asking, ‘When is all of this adding up to, like, an actual benefit to my life?’ And I ended up making this presentation. It was kind of a manifesto. And it basically said, you know, ‘Look, never before in history have a handful of people at a handful of technology companies shaped how a billion people think and feel every day with the choices they make about these screens.’”

Harris put together a 144-page presentation for Google execs arguing that the constant distractions of apps and emails are “weakening our relationships to each other” and “destroying our kids ability to focus.” With little change, Harris decided to quit three years later.

Again, said Harris: “It’s not because anyone is evil or has bad intentions. It’s because the game is getting attention at all costs. And the problem is it becomes this race to the bottom of the brainstem, where if I go lower on the brainstem to get you, you know, using my product, I win. But it doesn’t end up in the world we want to live in. We don’t end up feeling good about how we’re using all this stuff.”

Tristan Harris says the only thing the apps and sites and their developers want is our attention. The longer they hold our attention, the more money they make. (Question: know why texts and Facebook use a continuous scroll? It’s a proven way to keep us searching longer.)

Note that as Cooper’s report continues, one psychologist says that the typical person checks their phone every 15 minutes or less — and — “half of the time they check their phone there is no alert, no notification.” We are checking into Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, etc. We are checking in on — and investing in — things that are not people.

Let me attempt to be more clear…

We are spending more and more time on our apps. We are often using them to connect with other people, thus potentially investing in relationship.

However, we are mistaking these connections for authentic communication.

We are mistaking status updates and opinion sharing as good, give-and-take dialogue.

And thus, we are mistaking social media for being a solid investment in other people.

Seems like we are doing a lot of mistaking.

As the tech industry prioritizes grabbing our attention, the reality is that such will pull our attention away from someone or something else. Hence, it’s not only our brains which are being hacked; it’s our relationships, too.

Respectfully…
AR

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the american dream

As stated here previously, one of my favorite authors is Peggy Noonan. She’s witty and wise, articulate and animated. I’ve watched her on multiple networks, from ABC and NBC to MSNBC and FOX News. While conservative in nature, she is fair-minded. This week she was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for commentary.

In an election season when the individual emotions of many journalists seemed far more vocal than any presentation of news or balanced perspective, Noonan was a consistent, fair, thought-provoking editorialist. The prize judges said Noonan rose “to the moment with beautifully rendered columns that connected readers to the shared virtues of Americans during one of the nation’s most divisive political campaigns.”

Ah, those shared virtues… so many seem to have forgotten…

Last week, Noonan had yet another great column, attempting to again connect us. She wrestled with “What’s Become of the American Dream?”

She started by saying that the dream is not dead, but “it needs strengthening.” She defines it as “the belief, held by generation after generation since our beginning and reanimated over the decades by waves of immigrants, that here you can start from anywhere and become anything.”

She then gives some tremendous examples… Abraham Lincoln, the one time “backwoods nobody”… Barbara Stanwyck, who lost her parents… and Jonas Salk, the son of Jewish immigrants from Poland. One became President, another a “magnetic actress,” and another cured polio. But then Noonan makes an important distinction…

“… The American dream was about aspiration and the possibility that, with dedication and focus, it could be fulfilled. But the American dream was not about material things—houses, cars, a guarantee of future increase. That’s the construction we put on it now. It’s wrong. A big house could be the product of the dream, if that’s what you wanted, but the house itself was not the dream. You could, acting on your vision of the dream, read, learn, hold a modest job and rent a home, but at town council meetings you could stand, lead with wisdom and knowledge, and become a figure of local respect. Maybe the respect was your dream. Stanwyck became rich, Salk revered. Both realized the dream.”

Somehow we got the dream mixed up. Part of that, Noonan opines, is that when Grandpa shared that “this is the American dream,” the kids looked around, saw the houses and car, and assumed the American dream is “things.” But it is not; “material things could be, and often were, its fruits.” Noonan poignantly continues…

“… The American dream was never fully realized, not by a long shot, and we all know this. The original sin of America, slavery, meant some of the oldest Americans were brutally excluded from it. The dream is best understood as a continuing project requiring constant repair and expansion, with an eye to removing barriers and roadblocks for all.

Many reasons are put forward in the argument over whether the American Dream is over (no) or ailing (yes) or was always divisive (no—dreams keep nations together). We see income inequality, as the wealthy prosper while the middle class grinds away and the working class slips away. There is a widening distance, literally, between the rich and the poor. Once the richest man in town lived nearby, on the nicest street on the right side of the tracks. Now he’s decamped to a loft in SoHo. ‘The big sort’ has become sociocultural apartheid. It’s globalization, it’s the decline in the power of private-sector unions and the brakes they applied.

What ails the dream is a worthy debate. I’d include this: The dream requires adults who can launch kids sturdily into Dream-land.

When kids have one or two parents who are functioning, reliable, affectionate—who will stand in line for the charter-school lottery, who will fill out the forms, who will see that the football uniform gets washed and is folded on the stairs in the morning—there’s a good chance they’ll be OK. If you come from that now, it’s like being born on third base and being able to hit a triple. You’ll be able to pursue the dream.

But I see kids who don’t have that person, who are from families or arrangements that didn’t cohere, who have no one to stand in line for them or get them up in the morning. What I see more and more in America is damaged or absent parents. We all know what’s said in this part—drugs, family breakup. Poor parenting is not a new story in human history, and has never been new in America. But insufficient parents used to be able to tell their kids to go out, go play in America, go play in its culture. And the old aspirational culture, the one of the American dream, could counter a lot. Now we have stressed kids operating within a nihilistic popular culture that can harm them. So these kids have nothing—not the example of a functioning family and not the comfort of a culture into which they can safely escape.

This is not a failure of policy but a failure of love. And it’s hard to change national policy on a problem like that.”

[Insightful commentary… thought-provoking once again…]

Respectfully…
AR

Posted on

wrong?

This weekend a friend shared an honest, transparent question on Facebook.

The question was something like, “How sensitive should we be to the expectations of others in our own sharing and expression?”

She then gave the example of those who post sonogram shots of their soon-to-be-born babes and how hurtful that can be to those who are unable to have children or who have actually miscarried.

My friend’s Q was honest and authentic; she really wanted to know. How sensitive should we be?

Is it ok to wish someone a Happy Easter in the coming month, even though others may take offense at the celebration of Christ’s resurrection?

Was it ok in February to send candy hearts and all sorts of public love wishes for Valentines Day, even though for many, it’s a reminder of recent or former heartbreak?

Does that make the sincere, public expression associated with Easter, Valentines, etc. wrong?

What about the holidays that are more individualized…

Some of us celebrate marital anniversaries; some of us do not. My friend, in fact, is a soon-to-be, unwanting-to-be, divorced woman. Does that make acknowledging and celebrating our individual anniversaries — again — wrong?

My sense is that we’re not very good at this.

We’re not very good as a culture at refraining from placing our expectations upon everyone else. We’re not very good at truly putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Sometimes, we’re only willing to put on a few, select pairs.

Putting on someone else’s shoes, for example, means I never rub my acknowledgement, celebration, or emotion in the face of another. I recognize that some moments/events are hard for some people, and thus I am intentionally careful with any bold broadcast.

Putting on someone else’s shoes also means that I allow the emotion of another to be expressed. I don’t have to stop or diminish another’s emotion simply because I do not share it nor feel it.

Again, we’re not very good at this.

Sometimes it seems we attempt to shut down what we don’t understand. We’re not good at what we can’t relate to. We’re not good at recognizing that two different people can have two different reactions to the same kind of event…

… and…

… both emotions can be ok.

As potentially expected, my friend’s initial post created extensive conversation. (Honest, transparent questions have a way of doing that.) Some persons keyed in just to learn and grow, and arguably to flag those places in their own lives where they aren’t all that good at wearing the shoes of another…

“Where can I grow?… Do I have any blind spots? … any places where I’m really not all that gentle and kind? … any places where I am judgmental and intolerant?”

Others commented freely — some with strong opinions… some even, seemingly, with the “how-dare-you” kind of Q’s.

Sadly, my friend and I are no longer “Facebook friends.” Not because of us; we’re good. But because yesterday, after her post, she left social media.

Some were unkind in their response. Some felt no need to wear her shoes.

Respectfully…
AR