Knowing it’s a priority of the Intramuralist, recently someone asked me exactly what “respectful dialogue” means. Allow me to begin by professing that I am no expert. The thoughts shared below are a compilation of priorities I’ve embraced from the insights and wisdom of Dr. Marilee Adams, Steven M. Covey, Carol Kent, Catherine Marshall, M. Scott Peck, Marshall Rosenberg, scripture, and more. Some words are my own; some are not. But this is how I think. I believe it is only through respectful dialogue that we can consistently, continually communicate.
So let’s first identify some terms. Some are positive; some are not. Positive terms include evaluate, opine, assess, probe, and critique (or “constructively criticize”). Negative terms include judge, bash, insult, denigrate, and criticize. [A couple notes… #1: the difference between “critique” and “criticism” is the motive… #2: the meaning of “criticism/critical” has changed through the years — moving from a sense of analysis to more a place of judgment.]
In order to be sharpened by meaningful discussion, we need to communicate in respectful ways. I’ve included key components of respectful dialogue. Granted, this list is not exhaustive — but it would help us communicate incredibly better, if we could each…
1. Encourage 1st person pronoun usage. Utilize expressions based on personal experience, including phrases such as “in my opinion” or “as I understand the facts.” As Rosenberg advises, instead of saying, “The indisputable truth is,” a person offers “I believe it to be true that.” This recognizes the fact that others may have a different perception, information, or sense of truth.
2. Refrain from accusatory language. Avoid rhetorical slams such as, “you are wrong” or “he doesn’t know the facts.” Such accusations typically prompt more defensiveness than pave any progress toward respectful, productive dialogue.
3. Avoid assertions about others’ motives. This refers to conclusions such as “I will assume your silence means” or “you must say that because.” Rarely can we fully know the motivation of another — especially in social media. This also typically prompts defensiveness.
4. Offer generous affirmation and empathy — offer it even first. This helps people know that we care more about them than wanting to shout our own opinions, be right, or drown out any varied thinking.
5. Avoid vulgarity. Geesh… I can’t say this enough. This is no attempt to insert any sort of “morality police.” It’s more because it’s disrespectful and rarely makes any among the intelligent look so wise. Let me offer, however, a brief caveat, aware that many of us resort to this at some point in time. If expressed, the vulgarity should be indirect (i.e. using “holy sh*t” as opposed to “that piece of sh*t”… granted, it is a very rare occasion that such sh*t is actually “holy”).
6. Avoid mass labeling and/or stereotypes. The notion that “all liberals,” “all conservatives,” “all Pantsuit Nation members,” “all Trump supporters,” “all white people,” “all black people,” “all religious,” etc. can be identified as “all anything” is simply inaccurate. Such shows a lack of discernment on the articulator’s behalf, and thus causes the articulator to lose credibility.
7. Avoid venting. Most every conversation that begins with “I just had to say” or “I’m just going to put this out there” or “I have to get this off my chest” ignores that reality that the subject of each is self. Venting is better shared in counseling, close friendships, and accountability relationships.
8. Honor all emotions, especially deeply negative or positive passions. After the expression, it’s helpful to echo back what we heard and engage in reflective listening, utilizing such phrases as, “It sounds like you feel very [blank]” or “yes, this can be very emotional.” We are honoring the person by validating their passion — not necessarily by agreeing with the perspective.
9. Ask questions of another. I can’t say this enough. Consistent with Covey’s Habit #5 — “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” — this is undoubtedly one of the hardest things for current culture to consistently do, especially via social media. Most of us are most comfortable stating our own, full opinion first, as opposed to taking the time and effort to truly understand another. Instead of evaluating (positive term), we judge (negative term). Instead of probing (positive term), we ask questions from our own frame of reference (self focus). Each of these obstruct understanding.
And 10. Remember there is always something we don’t know. That reality keeps us humble, keeps us asking more questions, and keeps us focusing on others more than self.
Here’s to respectful dialogue… always.
Respectfully…
AR