Years ago I read this terrific book by John Ortberg that rocked my thinking somewhat. It was called “The Life You’ve Always Wanted,” described further by its subtitle, “Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People.” I feel pretty ordinary (…and truthfully, I also quickly surmised that if I could attain the primo, desired life for a mere $12 book, then such would be dollars well spent).
One of Ortberg’s more profound concepts was the idea of “impression management” — the intentional attempt to manipulate other people’s opinions of us through targeted actions and words. The attempt may be subtle; it may be slight. It may be as simple as, “I don’t watch much TV, but I saw this program the other day…” In other words, I am attempting to convey the impression that I don’t watch much television. Impression management is a self-crafted means of getting others to believe what we want them to believe about us — but not necessarily believing what’s true. Impression management takes time, energy, and insincerity, which combined equates to an unfortunate burden.
I used to think that impression management was solely exercised by our budding teenagers, seeking to find societal acceptance. I thought, too, perhaps, it was only an attempt of the less intelligent; but when reading that ordinary book, it became painfully obvious that the practice is not indigenous to either the teen or intelligent. We care what others think of us. The motive may be different, but the awareness is rampant. Regardless of intellect or age, people continually attempt to manipulate the impressions others have.
The most striking, apparent example this week was the criminal indictment of former NFL star, Aaron Hernandez. Hernandez, who played for the New England Patriots, was charged with fatally shooting two immigrants in July of 2012. Prosecutors believe Hernandez “stalked, ambushed, and senselessly murdered” two innocent men, who had a “chance encounter” with the so-called “Patriot” earlier in the evening. Let’s be clear to offer the caveat that these are still charges and not a verdict confirmed. Hernandez is, however, already jailed for charges in the fatal shooting of another Massachusetts man.
The impression management is visible via the dates. The shooting occurred on July 16th. On August 27th — after the shooting had taken place but before Hernandez’s suspected involvement — Hernandez signed a $41 million contract with New England. In his press conference — a moment team owner Robert Kraft called “one of the touching moments since I’ve owned the team” — Hernandez said:
“He [Kraft] changed my life. Now I’m able to basically have a good chance to be set for life and have a good life and I have a daughter on the way, and I have a family that I love… He didn’t need to give me the amount he gave me and knowing he thinks I deserve that and he trusts me to make the right decisions, it means a lot. It means he trusts in my character and the person I am, which means a lot.”
Hernandez was attempting to manage the impression we have of him.
Whether it be people, pundits, politicians, or press secretaries… whether it be celebrities or ordinary citizens… we are actively engaged in this less-than-honest effort. Pick your issue. Pick your event. Pick your policy or platform or surrounding spin. Pick your activist group. Pick your supposed coverup. Pick your athlete or agent. Impression management is alive and well — and serves far too frequently as an unchallenged societal and political practice.
I love Ortberg’s application question… “What do you think would change in your life if you were free from the burden of ‘impression management,’ of trying to get other people to think about you in a certain way?”
What if the so-called less ordinary, politicians and celebrities, did the same?
Respectfully…
AR