Daily Life – Page 11 – intramuralist ™

05/03/201605/03/2016

change your questions, change your life

Years ago I was introduced to a great book by Dr. Marilee Adams, an adjunct professor at American University’s School of Public Affairs, with the same title as listed above. Adams specializes in consulting, coaching, and leadership training. She has created and promoted the concept of “question thinking.” It’s based on the premise that everything starts with a question and that question then bridges the gap to increased comprehension, healthier communication, and more effective results.

Think about that; everything starts with a question; in fact, when I wake up, I typically ask myself a series of unspoken questions, such as… “What’s on my agenda?… How warm is it outside? … Is it raining?”… or “Is my favorite outfit clean?”

Those questions then affect the entire day ahead; they transcend how we interact with other people. In order to clearly comprehend and both adequately and accurately understand what’s going on in life, we have to ask and answer questions. Note: asking and answering questions is more vital and intimate than simply spewing an opinion; spewing opinion typically stems from an incomplete perspective. In other words, as Dr. Adams says, “You can’t get the best answers unless you answer the best questions first.”

I then took a brief scan of the weekend headlines from the most popular internet news sites. After dismissing those centered on cleaning my kidneys, Ted Cruz’s VP ploy, and the latest developments in the NBA playoffs, the following 20 questions caught my eye:

(1) Can Corporate Leaders Be Good Citizens?
(2) Can Songs Help You Learn Scientific Concepts?
(3) How did Prince die?
(4) The 9/11 Truth?
(5) Could Texas Become the Next Trans Bathroom Battleground?
(6) ’Dumbest pick’ in NFL draft history?
(7) What is May Day, anyway?
(8) Why Are Blacks Leaving Liberal Cities?
(9) Is Sara Ramirez Leaving ‘Grey’s Anatomy’?
(10) Is U.S. Ready for Post-Middle-Class Politics?
(11) Did Larry Wilmore go too far with N-word joke at Obama’s last #WHCD?
(12) Will the Paris Climate Agreement Deliver?
(13) Beyonce: Making Marriage Work?
(14) Is The Party Warming To Trump?
(15) Why Do Progressives Cling to Hillary?
(16) Does Bernie Sanders Really Deserve Any Concessions From Hillary Clinton?
(17) Did Michael Strahan make big mistake leaving ‘Live!’ for ‘GMA’?
(18) For Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, it’s all about Indiana … isn’t it?
(19) Prince, Bowie and Haggard: Icons? Legends? What’s the difference?

(… and my personal favorite…)

(20) Wardrobe whoopsies: On purpose, or an accident?

I must go back, no less, to one of Dr. Adams’ core principles. That is, again: “You can’t get the best answers unless you answer the best questions first.”

With all the difficulty and tension in discussing tough topics (especially on social media), I wonder first if we’re being intentional in asking questions.

I wonder second if we’re asking the best questions — questions that prompt insight, perspective, and honest, heartfelt exchange — questions that lead to sharpening and growth.

And I wonder third if we’re pausing long enough to actually listen to the answers.

I remember a lesson taught to each of my budding young sons… Listening does not simply mean hearing what another says; listening means hearing and thoughtfully considering all that was said.

May we learn to ask good questions (… and… to hopefully never experience any sort of “wardrobe whoopsie”).

Respectfully…
AR

05/01/201605/01/2016

dirty laundry

For years a woman put her laundry out to dry. For years she also mocked her neighbor, as she hung her laundry out to dry.

It wasn’t always a loud mocking. In fact, it was never to the neighbor’s face. Instead it was first only a mocking to her spouse and inner circle of friends. She would daily stare out her window, hiding slightly behind the pleated shades, observing her neighbor, who was always washing and hanging the family’s clothes improperly. Her neighbor’s clothes always remained dirty!

If only she knew what I knew…

If only she was as wise as me…

The woman’s complaints grew louder. She told more people. Focusing on her neighbor’s misdeeds, poor process, and lack of critical thinking, she consistently made fun of her neighbor’s clear inability to do laundry properly. Granted, she was politically correct enough to withhold all denunciatory comments when running into her neighbor during any community interaction.

She would smile and wave and intentionally hide all fault-finding, editorial thoughts. But she would still think them…

My neighbor is ridiculous…

It’s not hard to do laundry…

What’s wrong with her??

And so the woman would generously judge away, making sure to at least grab a daily glance, justifying and fueling her conclusion of ignorance and stupidity that she had so graciously cast upon the neighbor next door. After all, she had seen this with her own eyes; she wasn’t making this up. Her view was clear. Yes… how stupid indeed.

After years of these neighbors never really communicating nor connecting at any heart level — since the internal criticism silently but definitively impeded the way — what to the woman’s wondrous eyes one day, all of a sudden appeared??

Shockingly, the neighbor’s laundry was for once, beautifully, sparkly clean!!

The woman immediately called her husband to the room. She said, “Would you look at that?! I no longer have to show her what to do! Her laundry is finally clean!!”

Her husband at first offered only a calm, quiet nod. He then hesitated for a moment, questioning how to say this, and then acknowledged he knew why.

Daily he listened to his spouse complain about their neighbor. Daily she spewed emphatic rants about the neighbor’s manifest faults and unchanging idiocies.

Her husband then said he had tired of the complaining. So he got up early that morning…

… and washed the windows.

I wonder…

Where are we looking at someone else and only seeing dirty laundry?

Where in all these messy issues and current events, are we finding fault in another because our own view is skewed?

And where do we need to start by washing our own windows first?

Respectfully…
AR

04/24/2016

prince, et al.

Never will I forget… far too many to quote from…

“Little red Corvette
Baby you’re much too fast
Little red Corvette
You need a love that’s gonna last…”

… to…

“How can you just leave me standing?
Alone in a world that’s so cold?
Maybe I’m just too demanding
Maybe I’m just like my father too bold…”

… to…

“Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last…”

“Little Red Corvette,” “When Doves Cry,” even “Sometimes It Snows In April”… When iconic musician Prince passed away on Thursday, so many of those lyrics flashed through my head. I found myself engaged in my own, private, somber lip sync…

Prince Rogers Nelson contributed much to far more than a small corner of the world. His death is shocking and sobering, recognizing that an incredibly gifted and talented man has left us. Much like the deaths of David Bowie, Glenn Frey, and Joey Feek earlier in the year, we are left saddened by the loss. I must say, there many nights I spent — especially in the 80’s — with a school book on my desk and Prince singing somewhere in the background. Still more nights I dropped the book and danced away with several of us sorority sisters in the room. But we are sobered by the loss of someone who meant so much.

I never wish, however, for the loss of any other to be any less sobering…

As one of my long time friends that is closer than a brother said yesterday:

“While we collectively mourn the death of Prince, let us not forget to mourn and pray for the families of ‘everyday people’ who also leave this world long before we desire. Let’s remember to pray for the parents who have to bury their child, or the family who has to say goodbye to one of the shining beacons in their family who has touched countless lives. Let’s remember to pray for those whose family member(s) were killed due to some seemingly senseless crime or had their lives snatched away from an earthquake, flood, or other natural disaster. These people may not have a global impact like a celebrity may have, but to those who knew them, they were a big part of their world.”

In other words, there exist lots of “big parts” to our individual worlds. Celebrity status does not equate to less sad or less sobering. Celebrity status only means more of us are familiar; it does not mean the impact of a lesser known person is any less.

Most of us have experienced the loss of life of someone who is deeply important. From the waitress I spoke to on Friday who just lost her father to the over 650 who passed away in Equador’s recent earthquake, all loss of life is significant.

As Prince’s brother-in-law said, “Death isn’t easy for anybody.” No, it’s not.

Death is sobering. The loss of life is sad and significant. It also prompts me to ask some of life’s bigger, more challenging questions.

Let us not forget…

Respectfully…
AR

03/08/2016

pride

Every now and then, as each of my great writer friends will attest, there’s a great section of a great chapter in a great book that stands out for all time… a section that stays with you long after the book is set down…

I think of chapter 11 from the iconic “To Kill a Mockingbird,” when Atticus Finch gives Scout a basic, profound lesson in how racism works, at one point saying: “ ‘Scout,’ said Atticus, ‘nigger-lover is just one of those terms that don’t mean anything — like snot-nose. It’s hard to explain — ignorant, trashy people use it when they think somebody’s favoring Negroes over and above themselves. It’s slipped into usage with some people like ourselves, when they want a common, ugly term to label somebody.’ ”

(…love that Atticus Finch…)

Or at the onset of chapter 1, from “The Kite Runner,” by Khaled Hosseini: “That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out. Looking back now, I realize I have been peeking into that deserted alley for the last twenty-six years.”

As we watch events unfold all around us — from the people that seem to dominate the news flow — from retiring athletes to politicians that probably should be retiring — I’m reminded of a chapter perhaps all of us should read, regardless of faith, regardless of where on life’s journey we may be. From intellectual giant and legendary author, C.S. Lewis, an excerpt from chapter 8 of his third section in “Mere Christianity”…

“Today I come to that part of Christian morals where they differ most sharply from all other morals. There is one vice of which no man in the world is free; which everyone loathes when he sees it in someone else…

There is no fault that makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it ourselves, the more we dislike it in others.
The vice I am talking of is Pride or Self-Conceit…

According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.
Does this seem to you exaggerated? If so, think it over. I pointed out a moment ago that the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others. In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, ‘How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?’ The point is that each person’s pride is in competition with everyone else’s pride…

It is Pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began. Other vices may sometimes bring people together: you may find good fellowship and jokes and friendliness among drunken people or unchaste people. But Pride always means enmity – it is enmity. And not only enmity between man and man, but enmity to God.
In God you come up against something that is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that – and, therefore, know your-self as nothing in comparison – you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you…”

Lewis is speaking not of the pleasure in being praised, affirmation, or admiration; it is a beautiful thing to admire another, to be “so proud of your son,” so-to-speak. Lewis instead is identifying the definition of pride synonymous with “arrogance,” “self-importance,” hubris,” or informally, “big-headedness.”

That’s what’s so unattractive about so many who dominate the news flow; it’s also unattractive in us.

The opposite of pride?

Humility… which is always more attractive.

Respectfully…
AR

03/06/2016

seinfeld, god & stephen curry

One of the things that continually astounds me is how so many things seem to fit together — how we can find great learning in one area that seems totally unrelated to another, and yet, the lesson totally applies on a broader scale. I think of it first like an ongoing “Seinfeld” episode, a scenario in which all things will eventually relate, whether it be mind-blowingly good soup or Kramer losing Elaine’s armoire or Jerry’s girlfriend’s infuriating “schmoopie” routine; it all fits. On another hand, I think of it more deeply as the creative, powerful, amazing hand of God — setting the world up, giving us multiple ways in which to learn, grow, and wise up a little. Both God and Seinfeld make this semi-humble blogger smile.

One of those areas, no less, in which I often see broader lessons unfolding is via athletics — which is why I often preface posts laced with sport references as “not a sports post”; in other words, a deeper, greater learning exists. I see this now on the professional hardwood…

In the port city of Oakland, California, there is one team that stands out — not only in the state’s eighth largest city — but across the country and in the NBA. Here is the home for the Golden State Warriors… a team that originated 70 seasons ago in Philadelphia… a team that has a career winning percentage of just over 47%.

Last year the Warriors won the NBA championship. They accomplished such with many talented players on their young roster — including Draymond Green, Klay Thompson, and Andre Iguodala — but they are clearly led by the almost high-school-looking Stephen Curry, a humble, wholesome, joy-filled, scrawny star who has an uncanny ability to seemingly make three-pointers from anywhere on the court. He has been so successful that even though he doesn’t have the stereotypical physical stature of other stars, Curry won last year’s NBA MVP and the ESPYs Best Male Athlete award.

Curry’s success has led directly to the team’s success. After last season’s championship, the Warriors began this year’s 82 game season by winning an unprecedented 23 games. As of this posting — having played 60 games already — they have only lost 5 games. If they continue this pace, they will have the best record in NBA history.

Hence, to the broader lesson…

Every NBA team has an annual salary cap. The primary distribution of the Golden State Warriors is as follows:

(1) Klay Thompson — $15.5 million
(2) Draymond Green — $14.3 million
(3) Andrew Bogut — $12.0 million
(4) Andre Iguodala — $11.7 million

And…
(5) Stephen Curry — $11.3 million

Note that Curry currently makes the fifth most amount of money on his team — even though he is clearly the team’s best player… fifth most.

Consistent with that humble and wholesome character — which is affirmed by those who know him best — Curry doesn’t complain. In fact, it’s quite possible that it doesn’t bother him. He agreed to a wage; he knows he’s been blessed; that’s enough for him. As teammate Shaun Livingston said, “His [Curry’s] faith, his beliefs and his value system [are] unprecedented.”

One of the reasons teams, relationships, etc. don’t stay together is because individuals often believe they are entitled to something more… “I deserve better… I deserve more… I have a right to it.” An individual demandingness and entitlement arises that can be so paralyzing and unhealthy. That often leads to a team or relationship’s downfall… although not so fast for the Golden State Warriors.

Stephen Curry, by all accounts, at least compared to his peers, deserves more money. But to Curry, that is not a priority. How then can teammates make it a priority? How do they justify any attitude of entitlement when the one who most clearly could demand more, is humble enough to choose not to?

Humility, my friends, is always attractive. It, too, always makes us smile.

Respectfully…
AR

01/26/201601/26/2016

take that!

Here at the Intramuralist, we talk about everything… life, love, sports, politics, social media, common culture, current events. There is nothing we won’t talk about… albeit always, hopefully respectfully.

That’s our mantra… join us. Talk with us. Share what you’re thinking — as loud or passionate as that may be. As long as we are always aware that another non-idiotic other may feel differently than we, we can have the hard conversation.

But too many… too often… for too many possibly thinly guised, often unknown, yet self-focused reasons, justify something lesser. They justify the disrespect.

The truth is, I get it. For I, too, am prone to disrespect.

Hear me here…

It is no secret that this semi-humble current events, etal. observer is not a fan of the New England Patriots. I have never been overwhelmingly impressed by head coach Bill Belichick’s conversational skills nor leader Tom Brady’s effervescent humility.

So much so, that on Sunday evening, when the Patriots finally fell to the Denver Broncos and QB Peyton Manning (… full disclosure notice: I have always loved Manning — although not as much as my older brother), but in that moment I was truly tempted to tweet one thing: “Take that, you Patriots!”

Take that.

And then I remembered something…

I remembered my respected friends who actually are Patriots fans. I remembered their sweet young, impressionable kids who are also Patriots fans. I remembered that there are many good, wise, well-thinking people I respect who think and feel differently than me. I remembered, too, that I don’t know everything about Belichick and Brady. I have never met them. I am basing my passionate opinion off of nothing more than incomplete information. Sometimes passion blinds us to that.

I can thus only conclude one thing: there is no place for “take that.”

Yes… what an arrogant, judgmental thing for me to think and potentially say.

It reminded me of an Election Day several years back, when a trusted friend drove by after casting her vote. “Woooohoooo!” was her glee-laden yell, muffled only by the accompanying series of enthusiastic honks from her car horn. She was thrilled at the possibility of the person she voted for becoming president.

There’s just one catch…

When she drove by — as we had several excellent, thought-provoking discussions beforehand — she knew my vote was not going to be cast in the same direction. She knew, in some sense, we would actually be cancelling one another out. But she also knew that I would celebrate her and her enthusiasm. Being happy for her and having my own opinion are not incompatible emotions.

Hence, there was no “take that” from either of us.

Too many… too often…

Justify the “take that”… in life, love, sports, politics, social media, common culture, current events…

We forget that there exist many good, wise, well-thinking other people who feel differently than we do.

Respectfully…
AR

01/24/201601/24/2016

let it snow

This weekend a blizzard has battered the Northeast. In some places there are more than two feet of snow. Over 8,000 flights have been cancelled, and over 1,000 power outages have been reported up the East Coast.

The New York Governor went so far as to issue a travel ban on New York City and Long Island highways and roads over the weekend. The snow was so significant, actually, that yesterday, all shows — both matinees and evening performances — were cancelled on Broadway. This is big.

This can also be dangerous. Let us first recognize that such a heavy amount of snow and the accompanying cold can be perilous for many people. Tragically, in fact, initial reports from this particular snow storm indicate at least 18 people have lost their lives in snow-related deaths thus far. The cold and ice and regional potential flooding bring an added, unpredictable risk.

I think, too, of those in distinct danger… I think of the elderly; I think of the homeless. My heart breaks for those who have no roof over their head nor food on their table. They are truly among the so-called “least of these.” We cannot forget them especially during times like this.

That said first — always attempting to acknowledge what’s most important — there is one thing I absolutely love about such significant snowfall…

The big flakes… pouring down… the accumulation…

It makes us stop.

That’s it; it makes us stop.

Years ago I heard a wise man say, “If Satan can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” I think there’s a lot of truth in that; we are a busy people. We go from one thing to the next to the next. We have overflowing to do lists and seemingly way too much to accomplish on a daily basis. We don’t have enough time, energy, sleep, rest, you-name-it, because we are so busy. And when we are so busy, we don’t take the time to engage in some of the basic caring, polite, and subtle respectful tasks a wise one would always embrace…

We don’t have time to be selfless, to put someone else first, to put their needs ahead of our own…

We don’t have time to listen well, as it’s far more efficient for us time-wise to simply tell others what we think rather than listen to what they have to say…

We don’t have time for interactive dialogue, as Twitter’s tweets and Facebook rants are far easier, allowing us to still vent and spew our opinions and then actually think we had a conversation…

In other words, as busy people with full schedules who are so often on the go, we don’t perceive ourselves as having the actual time to be patient, respectful, or empathetic. We then begin to seemingly subconsciously dismiss those contagious, fruitful, and beautifully encouraging character traits because they take too much time.

It is true; patience, respect, and empathy take time.

When the snow comes, however, in such significant amounts, we have no choice; we have to slow down; we have to stop.

I love the fact that something makes us stop, being still, reflecting, thinking, thinking of others, and taking a break from those to do lists.

Hmmm… I wonder… I wonder if that’s why God created snow.

Respectfully…
AR

01/19/2016

a few q’s from MLK’s dream

Monday was America’s annual observance of Martin Luther King Day. Oh, how I love that so many have so much respect for the message of that man. Let’s revisit his most infamous words, one of the most significant speeches in American history, delivered in August of 1963, at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. Read an excerpt of his wise words before a few simple Q’s…

“…It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment…

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force…

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.’

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of ‘interposition’ and “nullification” — one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; ‘and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together’…”

Hence…

What would be Dr. King’s wise words to all of us now? Would they be the same?
How would Dr. King have responded to the Black Lives Matter protest?
What would be Dr. King’s message to police?
Who among us knows the exact answers Dr. King would offer?
Is sharing the same skin color necessary to know Dr. King’s perspective?

I often wonder how each of us contributes to the fragility of racial relations… how each of us either intentionally or unintentionally fuels the intensity of any division… how we fuel it or mend it… how each of us contributes… where we become demanding — shouting at one another… “You just need to understand! …You are the problem!” … We spend a lot of effort and energy focused on “you.” We point at other people.

Maybe that’s part of what Dr. King wanted us to comprehend… where the rough places can actually be made plain and the crooked places straight… when we no longer point at anyone other than self… when we look inside our own hearts, questioning whether we love all people well… looking at our own pockets of judgment… as opposed to always pointing at the crookedness in someone else.

Maybe. Just asking questions, friends…

Respectfully…
AR

01/17/2016

best friends for a day

A little less than a year ago, I had one of the best worst weeks of my life… as nothing prepares you for the passing of a loved one. Nothing. The only thing that makes the unbearable pain bearable is a faith that is grounded in wisdom and hope — and speaks of something greater than the circumstances at hand.

My younger sister passed away early that Monday morning. My family and I had long planned to fly to NYC on Thursday, as my teenage son and his talented show choir were set to dance on the prestigious, Lincoln Center stage on Friday. Hence, the celebration of Nicole’s life was moved to Sunday, which meant much travel (and even more emotion) packed into a few short days.

Unfortunately that Thursday morning, the undesired occurred again; in our midwest city of often sporadic weather, we were experiencing a blizzard-like storm that included over 9” of snow. Perhaps minor for our friends in Boston and Colorado Springs, 9” can be paralyzing in Cincinnati.

With the storm extending across the entire East coast, flights were being cancelled by the minute; one by one, we would hear disheartening news of another show choir family unable to make this once-in-a-lifetime trip. For some odd reason, our morning flight took off, relatively on time.

Save for my grieving heart, the flight itself was fairly smooth — that is, until we approached LaGuardia. We were immediately placed into an hour long holding pattern, as the airport had closed in order to plow the runways. Unbeknownst to us at the time, after that hour, the airport had actually reopened, but the first Delta flight attempting to land skidded right off the runway, crashed through a fence, and came to rest with the plane’s nose extending out over the adjacent bay of water. Thank God no life-threatening injuries occurred.

Needless to say, our Delta flight was then told the airport was closed. With the storm intensifying and more airports closing, we wondered if they would return us home. After more delay, we were told we would be landing at Bradley International — although most of us knew not where that was.

Once landed (in Hartford, CT, no less), we found ourselves in a sea of stranded others… so many questions and confusion. Airline reps attempted to be clear; maybe busses would come; maybe they could get us to our desired destination sometime today. There were too many “maybes.”

Yet there amidst the hundreds stranded, we were given a blessed gift. Three other show choir families were experiencing the same flight and plight: two sets of parents, one set of grandparents. We recognized one another, but previous to this moment, I did not know them well. We huddled, put our minds together, assessing our options.  Deciding to take things into our own hands, we walked and talked. As a group, we shared all this unexpected, significant emotion… the challenge of being diverted… the fear of being stuck… the concern for our friends traveling alternate routes… the empathy for our friends no longer able to come… and the worry for our kids, who were separately en route. There was so much deep, dichotomous emotion — almost too much to handle.

“Too much to handle” for me was all this on top of what had happened earlier in my week. Thus, thrust together in Connecticut — feeling simultaneously totally overwhelmed and profoundly grateful — I couldn’t help but share the more prevalent feelings permeating my heart, that which happened before we ever took off. The way those men and women then reacted to the news of my sister’s death was beautiful… the tears in the women’s eyes… the immediate hugs… the questions, the sincerity, and the genuine concern… They loved this then semi-stranger in a way that was meaningful, authentic, and true. Any differences did not matter. They became, as I like to say, my best friends for a day.

Several hours later, we finally made it to Manhattan. The time included multiple phone calls, prayers, selfies in the abandoned baggage claim area, a drink in the pub, and then a two/three hour, at-times-treacherous but fun-filled van ride before pulling into Times Square near 5:30 p.m. As we each exited the van, saying “see you tomorrow,” we hugged one another, unspeakably aware of all the emotion the day entailed. Those friends will always be uniquely, deeply dear to me — what a beautiful role they serve… my “best friends for a day.”

FYI: Show choir season started again yesterday. I can’t wait for the months ahead. I love those kids… and it’s precious to be with your friends.

Respectfully… with great joy…
AR

01/12/2016

what gets in the way?

What gets in the way?

What do we justify as big enough, deep enough, important enough to justify the ruining of relationship? What circumstances are just too crucial to me that I can’t let them go? … that they mean more to me than you do? … that they mean more to me than investing wisely, selflessly in another?

Such was prevalent again this past weekend, for example, as my beloved Bengals lost in the postseason to Pittsburgh’s Steelers. This loss was tougher than usual for me. I fully embrace the “just-a-game” mentality, but with a once promising season ended by a physical, rough rivalry, losing was harder for me to emotionally accept. It was a bit of an ugly game; it also didn’t help that my teenage sons were visibly upset by the result.

Except… when I was so focused on how I felt, I forgot something…

My longest, dearest friend is a Steelers fan. In fact, she has rooted with all her heart for the steely Black and Gold longer than I ever began to have a heart for the Bengals. Hence, while I was disappointed by the game’s results, she was simultaneously, thoroughly pleased. As much as I may be tempted to hunker down, tossing and turning in my own emotional pit, I cannot forget about the deep joy of one so dear to me.

Fascinating, isn’t it? When we’re so focused on self, we never have to wrestle with the emotions of another — how they may feel something or react to something differently… how their emotions may be completely different than yours or mine — yet equally valid.

(Note: I said “valid.”)

Four years ago, the Intramuralist re-published a great piece written by Taffy Brodesser-Akner, first published by Salon. The article was entitled “I Can’t Believe My Best Friend Is A Republican.” Friends, the article is excellent… for each of us. Allow me a brief, relevant excerpt here below. Said Brodesser-Akner:

“… Janet is a lifelong, passionate Republican. She does not pretend she is just a fiscal Republican, or just a Republican for Israel, as so many in our Jewish community are. She is a real, live, voting Republican. She likes Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. She admires Sarah Palin. She is for the defunding of NPR and Planned Parenthood. She is against ‘Obamacare,’ and she is for parental notification of abortions. Right now on my Facebook page, I have linked to a New York Times article on how women’s rights are being violated by South Dakota’s new abortion laws. Janet has just posted on hers — I’m not kidding — video footage of her and her husband at target practice…

Janet isn’t Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin. She believes what she’s telling me, and she’s studied the issues. That might be what is so difficult: She has the same education as I have, and yet she has made different decisions, decisions that are so counter to what I believe. Decisions I find abhorrent.

And yet, I think having a Republican friend is making me a better liberal. We need friends who differ from us. It’s easy to watch Republican extremism and think, ‘Wow, they’re crazy.’ But when someone is sitting face to face with us, when someone we admire and respect is telling us they believe differently, it is at this fine point that we find nuance, and we begin to understand exactly how we got to this point in history. We lose something critical when we surround ourselves with people who agree with us all the time. We lose out on the wisdom of seeing the other side.”

Sometimes I think we are too closed off, losing out on the wisdom of seeing the other side. It’s true, friends; like it or not, two reasonable people can come to two totally different conclusions, full of totally different emotions. We do that politically… socially… I was even tempted after an NFL playoff game.

When we fail to recognize that there are different perspectives and emotions — equally valid — we are sacrificing our own wisdom.

Time to get out of our emotional pits. I’ve heard they can be blinding.

Respectfully…
AR