forgiving self?

When I accepted the invitation to guest blog while a well deserved sabbatical is enjoyed by AR and her family, I once again procrastinated.  Of course, I then beat myself up trying to force myself to figure out a topic on which to write.  And once again, I became one of the last to turn in her work.  I thought to myself, “I sure hope AR forgives me.”  And knowing my sweet sister, AR, I am most positive she does.  The word forgive got me thinking.   I scrapped the beginnings of a post that I had struggled to write and started over.

 

I forgive you.  I forgive you, but I won’t forget.  Can you ever forgive me?   Please forgive me.  Father, please forgive me.

 

How many times have we heard or uttered one of those sentences?  I looked up quotes with the word “forgive” in them, and of course, website after website had plenty to choose.  Quotes from famous people, quotes that made sense, quotes that made no sense whatsoever… funny quotes, sad quotes… however, for today I want to focus on these words that I am sure each one of us has thought, said or heard more than once.

 

“I can’t forgive myself.”  

 

Culture today perhaps teaches us that in order to move on with our lives we must forgive ourselves.  Indeed a difficult task.  After all, forgiveness is hard work.  The historic scriptures are peppered with the words “forgive,” “forgiveness,” “forgiven”…

 

Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.  Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.

 

Doing some very quick research, depending on the translation used, I noted that the word “forgive” in the bible is used at minimum 27 times, but never once does scripture call us to forgive ourselves.  Believe me, I have looked!  I have had many loving conversations gathered around a table, bibles open and not one of us could find a specific verse calling us to forgive ourselves. We are called to forgive and we are called to ask God for forgiveness.  But we are not called to forgive ourselves.  Forgiving our own sin is God’s work. If we forgive ourselves, does that truly free us? … or are we still in bondage to our wrongdoing?  Do we have the power to pardon ourselves?  I read a quote in a devotional that I keep in my bible:  “As the author of Hebrews points out, if our forgiveness relies on our doing something, that forgiveness has no effect at all, outside of creating guilt.”   And so the cycle continues.  The enemy will continue to remind us that we are unforgivable if we cannot forgive ourselves, putting the focus on ourselves rather than the Forgiver.

 

The forgiveness of the cross eliminated the need for us to forgive ourselves from our wrongdoings.  We can humbly go to God for the work that only God can do in our lives.   So the next time you think or say “I cannot forgive myself for what I have done,” remember you do not need to take on such a lofty task.  Go to the Forgiver, with a true repentant heart. He will forgive your sin and remember it no more.

 

Respectfully…

KS

under the knife

jl7052At the age of 56, I find myself in counseling. No addictions, no marriage crisis or nights filled with sleeplessness, yet here I am going every other week to someone I hope can extend a handhold up out of the ruts where I currently reside.

 

A couple of years ago my kids started not so casually mentioning the idea of me seeing someone for my extreme emotional reactions. My frequent hurt feelings and intense crying never seemed over the top to me, but then I was blinded by my oceanic need for affirmation. When I felt rejected by someone, mainly family members, I fell completely apart. Even though I have been in some very stretching accountability relationships over the last 10 years and my personal awareness level is pretty high, I wasn’t able to identify this “growth area” (a nice way of saying weakness or fault).

 

The other thing that concerned my family was my physical fitness. My parents both led very sedentary lives, which affected their health in significant ways. Everyone wants a different outcome for me.

 

Like any good person in denial, I put off making that appointment for several years. But after going through two major surgeries to regain some physical health, it occurred to me that shoring up my emotional well being would be a good idea. I adopted a new mantra:  “I want to finish this life well!”

 

So what does that look like?

 

I began to take inventory of my resentments. Who am I holding a grudge against and why? God showed up here in an unexpected way by prompting me to ask myself some very difficult questions, like:

“What was I getting out of holding on to this resentment?” 

“What may I not be considering about this situation?” 

“How did I want to experience judgment and forgiveness from others?”

 

My counselor added more questions to ponder…

“How was I nurtured as a young girl?” 

“What triggers cause me to act like a hysterical child instead of responding as an adult?” 

“Why am I so reactionary?” 

Part of me feels really good about this process of discovery, but the other part of me says it’s too exhausting. I fight feeling defeated.

 

This lack of confidence carries over into my pursuit of fitness as well. I have a lot of weight to lose. How will I ever achieve this?

 

I need to envision myself differently. The invisible conversation bubble over my head says, “Busy pursuing fitness!” The other day I actually bought fitness wear. Getting back to the gym is next. It’s difficult to change the DNA of someone who loves reading, writing and knitting, but finishing well means adding movement and energy to my life.

 

“Wanna to go for a walk?”

 

Respectfully…

CB

otherness

woman girl on trainFather, Mother, and Me
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And every one else is They.

“We and They” by Rudyard Kipling

I’m on the train going back to Bandung after a day in Jakarta. It’s a nice train – nicer than Amtrak – with a comfortable seating, attentive stewards, and an air conditioner that would rival the blast freezer at any high end restaurant. Families sit and sit together, watching the bad television at the front end of the train, letting their kids run amok. There are a bunch of little kids, and as they run up and down the train – not too loud, oddly – they all stop and stare at me because I’m the only bule around.

It’s odd that primarily when I travel do I feel my otherness. People – mainly kids – peer around corners and over seats to get a glimpse of the lone white guy, as though they haven’t seen one before (and perhaps they haven’t). Usually my neighborhood places in Bandung know me, so I don’t feel as though I stand out much there. It’s just when I travel that I really remember that I’m the only white guy, standing out from the crowd, garnering looks or a few surreptitious camera snaps from a Blackberry under someone’s arm.

The first time I experienced this was about a month after I moved to Indonesia, when I was on the island of Sulawesi (another post on this trip here). What I didn’t go into in the post I just mentioned was my first experience of the bule effect. I was with a friend bringing supplies to a village cut off by a landslide, and a helicopter was picking up boxes of noodles and water to aid the isolated area. I was one of two bule in the vicinity and I felt it. It was palpable. Literally every person in the surrounding area came to see the helicopter landing and taking off multiple times. It was an impressive sight. Apparently, so was I, because when the dust from the helicopter had cleared, the people had not left yet, and they were still snapping pictures with whatever device they had at hand – of me.

The military who came in to supervise the operation was starting to clear the people out when they noticed who they were taking pictures of, and they started to walk toward me. I was a little freaked out because I was not ready for armed soldiers striding in my direction, saying things in a language I did not yet understand.

Frozen, I just stood to see what what about to happen. They got to me and were also speaking quickly in Indonesian, and finally I picked out the words that I would come to associate with traveling in Indonesia: “Foto, Mister?”

With that, no less uncomfortable, but much less fearful, my newfound military friends proceeded to form a line at least thirty deep, each shaking my hand and putting an arm around my shoulder before having one of their compatriots snap a few quick pictures. I’m probably on the Facebook pages of half the military in Sulawesi now, all for the incredible achievement of being different.

It’s no longer an uncomfortable feeling because it is in no way malicious. The most it is is slightly intrusive when someone gawks for too long in an obvious way or asks to take a picture with me. I think that I haven’t done anything to deserve it – I’m certainly no Brad Pitt, and it seems to reinforce the tradition of idolizing foreigners. But at the same time, it’s flattering and kind, and often funny.

After two years, I can tell when they’re going to come over to ask for the picture. By now, I’m pretty good at sensing it. There’s a posse – usually girls – who slowly and not-so-nonchalantly makes its way toward me. They usually are whispering to one another, shooting furtive glances my way, each one coaxing the others to make the first step to asking for a picture. Or odder still, an “interview.”

The interview is an interesting phenomenon because it’s a completely legitimate tool that the universities use to have their students practice their English. They’ll send out groups to talk to unsuspecting bule sitting in coffee shops (usually grading or working on lesson plans, in my case), and they’ll descend on us – often with the same modus operandi as the picture seekers. These interviewers can be divided into two categories: real and fake. The legitimate ones have a set of questions printed on a piece of paper that they follow and on which they record my answers. The fakers all very clearly make it up as they go, writing nothing, but plowing ahead boldly anyway, and I don’t have the heart to completely shut them down. However, after a few minutes they run out of steam and fade out, while those with the questionnaires follow their script, and I’m usually happy to let them proceed – I am a teacher after all.

The questions, legitimate or otherwise, always follow the same script.

1. What is your name?
2. Where are you from? (About half the time, when I answer that I’m American, they’ll respond with a thumbs up and a hearty “Obama!”)
3. How long have you been in Indonesia?
4. What are you doing here? Student or teacher?

This is all standard fare, but then the inevitable final question:

5. What is the biggest difference between America and Indonesia?

My answer to that question: That question.

At no point in America – if you value your safety or dignity – would someone go up to another person and, based solely upon the premise of their otherness, begin interrogating that person. Certainly not, “Hey, you’re Black/Asian/Hispanic/Insert Ethnicity Here: Answer my questions!” Your answer might come in the form of a punch in the nose.

We’re perfectly accustomed to our heterogeneous lives. Differences are a part of our DNA in the United States – obviously there are those who feel differently, who harbor a deep seated racism. But, walk through any supermarket, not to mention a Whole Foods or something like Jungle Jim’s (a regional tourist destination in the Midwest), and you’ll see evidence that we like difference. Everything we have and everything we are came from another place.

The situation in which I often find myself simply speaks to the homogeneity paradox of Indonesia. At least, in terms of Asian to non-Asian. This is actually a hugely diverse nation. With countless tribal groups (of which I’ve only encountered a scant few), and a large, fairly dominant (in terms of economics) Chinese population, there is nothing but diversity in Indonesia. They have an aspect of their constitution that says, Bhinneka Tunggal Ika, similar to our E Pluribus Unum. However, here there is a minuscule minority of caucasians. Hence, the stares, pictures, and other efforts to single us out. Once I was walking by a school while students were eating lunch, and a group of ten high schoolers ran to the fence and clung to it, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, watching me walk by. I’m not narcissistic, either. I was the only person within sight walking down the road near my house. It’s just an odd fact of life.

I’m not annoyed by it, unless I am actually trying to get work done at the coffee shop, and even then I tell the interviewers that I only have a few minutes to spare and they readily oblige. I worry at times that these moments reinforce the decades – centuries even – old perception of westerners as better or more important than Indonesians, a thought process instilled by the Dutch during their occupation. This imperialistic holdover bothers me. Edward Said would have found some irony, however, as generally he talked about Otherness in context of those in Power marginalizing those without it by thinking of them as set apart and below themselves. The stereotype that stems from the colonial period is that of the European superiority, infused in the culture on many levels. And yet, I am a schoolteacher in Asia who is singled out by those around him, questioned and viewed as exotic. Oh, how the tables have turned, Mr. Said.

And then other times I think that it’s just because I represent a culture that (for better or worse) they’re focused on, through movies and music. They rarely see white people outside of that context, and so they take the opportunity as some would when they see someone famous, because it’s simply outside the realm of normality. So maybe it isn’t so different from Said’s premise, after all.

But most often it’s just the picture. We all smile awkwardly – which everyone knows it is – and take the picture(s). About half the time the whole group takes the picture together, and the rest of the time is a long series of one at a time pictures, just me and a long string of girls. It’s weirder when there’s the random couple of guys in the midst of the girls, because let’s face it: I’d rather have pictures with girls I don’t know than guys.

I hope that when they meet me they realize that there’s nothing special or picture worthy about me. I’m just different, and my kind of different is simply in the form of my skin. Regardless, I’ll still be there, sitting at the coffee shop, probably grading or writing lesson plans, and I’m happy to talk for awhile, though it will be less illuminating than they think.

Respectfully…

Tyler