At the age of 56, I find myself in counseling. No addictions, no marriage crisis or nights filled with sleeplessness, yet here I am going every other week to someone I hope can extend a handhold up out of the ruts where I currently reside.
A couple of years ago my kids started not so casually mentioning the idea of me seeing someone for my extreme emotional reactions. My frequent hurt feelings and intense crying never seemed over the top to me, but then I was blinded by my oceanic need for affirmation. When I felt rejected by someone, mainly family members, I fell completely apart. Even though I have been in some very stretching accountability relationships over the last 10 years and my personal awareness level is pretty high, I wasn’t able to identify this “growth area” (a nice way of saying weakness or fault).
The other thing that concerned my family was my physical fitness. My parents both led very sedentary lives, which affected their health in significant ways. Everyone wants a different outcome for me.
Like any good person in denial, I put off making that appointment for several years. But after going through two major surgeries to regain some physical health, it occurred to me that shoring up my emotional well being would be a good idea. I adopted a new mantra: “I want to finish this life well!”
So what does that look like?
I began to take inventory of my resentments. Who am I holding a grudge against and why? God showed up here in an unexpected way by prompting me to ask myself some very difficult questions, like:
“What was I getting out of holding on to this resentment?”
“What may I not be considering about this situation?”
“How did I want to experience judgment and forgiveness from others?”
My counselor added more questions to ponder…
“How was I nurtured as a young girl?”
“What triggers cause me to act like a hysterical child instead of responding as an adult?”
“Why am I so reactionary?”
Part of me feels really good about this process of discovery, but the other part of me says it’s too exhausting. I fight feeling defeated.
This lack of confidence carries over into my pursuit of fitness as well. I have a lot of weight to lose. How will I ever achieve this?
I need to envision myself differently. The invisible conversation bubble over my head says, “Busy pursuing fitness!” The other day I actually bought fitness wear. Getting back to the gym is next. It’s difficult to change the DNA of someone who loves reading, writing and knitting, but finishing well means adding movement and energy to my life.
“Wanna to go for a walk?”
Respectfully…
CB
So good Carol. I have always admired the way you relate to other women, you are very brave to share your struggles and I know that God will use them to help and encourage us all. Have a great walk!
Oh, My. I could have written this. Only my parents were sedentary because of health reasons (which we now know would have been HELPED by activity). And my mom did crossword puzzles. I’m approaching 50 (quicky, I might add) and I have been feeling like it’s too late to try. Sort of like teaching an old dog new tricks. Thank you for your insight, transparency and encouragement!
So appreciate your transparency. Need to get motivated to make some changes myself. Let’s walk together sometime soon.