Yes, I know that is quite a title, and no, I did not make it up. I originally heard that analogy from my colleague MJ several years ago when complaining about poor behavior displayed by someone we both interact with at speaking conferences. The actions I unfortunately witnessed were misogynistic, rude, critical, and full of hubris. I had never been impressed by the dude’s character traits, and even less so with those who defend his disappointing behavior with the phrase, “that’s just Charlie.” I had heard it countless times over the years… “That’s just Charlie” and “You know Charlie. That’s just how he is,” as though I should pipe down, ignore it, and turn the proverbial blind eye.
It wasn’t just me. Many people were aware and disgusted by it. Even Charlie himself knew his behavior was questionable, to which he outwardly touted, “I’m on the spectrum,” or “I was just teasing.” But… was he? When overtly flirting with a striking, married woman, the also-married Charlie was anything but Aspergerish. Clearly, he had flirting down pat. Additionally, he was serious about his craft, and on stage, he spoke with ease. It would seem, by all appearances, that Charlie did not have special needs, but rather, acted on the belief that his needs were special. He used those excuses as an out, which was repeatedly bestowed on him by the disclaimer ,“that’s just Charlie,” (often by his mostly-male cohorts).
It was during that frustrated rant to my highly respectable colleague MJ that he expertly introduced the unpalatable phrase, “that’s just Adolf.” It took me aback at first. What a horrible descriptor! Then the meaning hit me. Wow, I thought to myself. Exactly! That’s exactly what this is! How is it that Charlie’s behavior has gone on so long, and has been excused by so many, that he was a one-man wrecking ball without anyone confronting the man in order to stop him? Or perhaps someone had tried to deter him along the way, maybe multiple people had, but the evidence of change was negligible, so the Charlie in the china shop kept breaking everyone around him. All of this led me to wonder how does someone become a Charlie, and what do we do about them?
If you live long enough, you will encounter your own Charlies in the world. Some of us work with them, some were raised by them, some unknowingly befriend or marry them, and some of us are governed by them. We see this every day in our culture. How did we get there, and more importantly, what do we do about it?
Everyone has an opinion these days, so be careful what you ask. (I am often more curious than careful.) I’ve heard some folks say to do nothing at all. You’ve probably heard the saying that having high expectations for others leads to inevitable disappointment. I get that. I have often expected way too much from people, often unfairly so, and the relationship has suffered for it. There is something to graciously accepting people with all their warts, acknowledging “that’s just how they are,” and moving on. I am also grateful to have been the beneficiary of that grace on numerous occasions.
Yet, when the pattern of behavior is negative in the extreme, isn’t it appropriate to curb the destructive pattern of unsavory character and stop it in its tracks before anyone gets seriously hurt? If we were each an island unto ourselves that wouldn’t be necessary, but when we interact with others there are consequences to these actions, sometimes irreparable ones. When is it time to preemptively mitigate the damages caused by a lack of self-awareness in order to deter sentient tornados who leave human debris in their path? These days it seems that everyone is easily angered, yet paralyzed to act. Rage itself accomplishes nothing. But as the great orator J. Allen Petersen wrote, “Our actions may speak louder than words, but it is our RE-ACTIONS that speak loudest of all.” So what do we do? What should our reaction be?
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know this. I believe Edmund Burke who famously said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” I’m not accusing Charlie of being inherently evil. Only God can judge that. However, his actions cause pain, as do the phlegmatic “friends” who idly stand by and supply his absolution. The Putins, Madoffs, Epsteins, and yes, even Hitlers of the world are just a few examples of out-of-control egos who thrive on the fuel of indifference by those who see their abhorrent behavior, do nothing about it, and then wonder why the world has gone crazy. Those men did not wake up one morning as monsters, but rather, went to bed night after night undeterred, enabled, and unthinkably, even encouraged to play out their sick games on humanity. So clearly, doing nothing is not a solution. Looking the other direction, or placating evil is only adding fuel to the fire. In the end, our actions and re-actions are a game plan every man, woman and child can get on board with.
I challenge us all to be vigilant in the world so far as we are able. Employ the Golden Rule to treat others as we would wish to be treated. Vote in every election. Be the template for kindness and gratitude. Call others out when appropriate, and put your money where your mouth is. Sometimes that is all we can control. Dealing with evil begins with our own behavior and self-awareness. Accountability is the key to staying in check, being able to humbly receive feedback with a vulnerable spirit. Erect healthy boundaries with destructive people who have had a lifetime to improve their behavior but have chosen not to. When we do so, we can more easily identify the path to a better human existence for our families, businesses, communities, and the world at large. Don’t lose heart. Stay strong and do not tire of doing good.
The Charlies of the world need us now more than ever.
Respectfully…
SLB