This past weekend I had dinner with several couples, celebrating a birthday in one of their families. Over the course of the evening’s festivities — full of food, fun, laughs, and excellent dialogue, there came a moment which later would cause me to pause. The conversation turned political.
It wasn’t a sharp conversation, nor anything intentionally rude or harsh or demeaning of someone or something. It was obvious, however, as the conversation progressed, that one couple felt something deeply… something sincerely…
And so I asked…
“Do you feel respected for what you believe here?” [Note: in the context, “here” meant the area in which we live — not at our table.]
There was an immediate, honest “no.”
Let me use a word I typically attempt to avoid… I hate that. I hate it when anyone feels disrespected.
So let me be clear on who “anyone” is…
Anyone is the person at your table who is pro-life or pro-choice… anyone is the person at your table who adheres or not to an organized faith… anyone is the person who is for or against gay marriage… anyone is the person who believes in amnesty or instant deportation… anyone is the person who thinks the same as you — or not.
Once again I am humbly reminded that we are not respectful of just “anyone.” That grieves me.
Friends, respect does not mean immediate acceptance of all opinion as equally good and true. Respect means listening, seeking to understand, and resisting the temptation to become the convictor of truth in another’s life. Far too often we justify disrespect…
… they’ve said too many stupid things…
… they’re just lost…
… they’re so misguided…
You know what? There are many times in my own life where I’ve said stupid things… I’ve been lost… I’ve been misguided. No doubt there are areas and issues in which I’m currently misguided — some of which I know, as I can sense the internal pruning — and some of which I don’t. I am open to and deeply desire that growth. I also have no doubt that “anyone” will be used to teach me.
My questions today are simple…
Who’s at your table?
And who are you justifying disrespecting?
Humbly…
AR
Well stated & thought – provoking, as usual. What happened after she/he responded?
We had a good, continued conversation. I think we all wanted to make sure we communicated extra well then, making sure we genuinely heard each other’s perspective.
Terrific post. Great reminder. I will try to carry this respect challenge forward around my own “table.”
I wonder if the next time discover someone feels disrespected we ask an additional question or two to determine in what ways this disrespect presents itself? I have no trouble believing harsh and careless comments can fly about during a charged conversation. But if I feel this happening to me in the future, I hope I can challenge myself as to whether the uncomfortableness I am feeling is disrespect or possibly something else. Insecurity, tendency to feel like a victim, separatist convictions, etc? I, so easily, can adapt those postures.
Again, I totally agree that people can be and are often thoughtless when conversing about heartfelt polarizing topics. Showing value for another human being is a good idea any day, anytime and around any table.
It is unfortunate the many assume “respect” and “approval” are synonymous terms.
Ann….just had a great family discussion regarding being judgmental and your post is a reiteration of our banter. I love what Donna said regarding respect and approval. Our family decided that we are all going to work on being known as “accepting of others for who they are regardless of whether or not their opinions, beliefs or attitudes align with ours.” Accepting equating respecting and not rejecting or dismissing.
We are quite close with another couple from our neighborhood. They invite us over for dinner quite often and invite another couple they know too. The other couple is decidedly left leaning. Both are very PhD smart from academia. They loved to share their views during dinner and I loved sharing my conservative views. I left every 6-bottle-of-wine-dinner with this crowd in a good mood due to the wine and the intellectual conversation. I did not agree with their POV, but I loved the exchange of ideas. We never argued. We only discussed. My wife hated these dinners because she would like the conversation to be more lighthearted. The host couple rarely chimed in, but they seemed to enjoy these evenings. (They are left leaning too.)
After several of these dinners, I learned that this couple hated me. Wow, hate is a strong word. I respected their POV and listened attentively, but apparently they did not respect my POV. My wife and I stopped going to dinner when the liberal couple was invited too.
Several months later, we were both invited to the same birthday party in Cleveland and the topic of politics came up. I did not participate this time until, I was asked a direct question about the Iraq war. My response surprised these liberals. I told them that Bush blew it. He had two natural enemies, Iran and Iraq, in a stalemate. If war broke out between them, we win because both sides would diminish the other making Israel and the region better off. Bush took out one side, thus allowing Iran to grow stronger and Syria with it. The country wins because less young men would have been injured or killed. And our economy would have won with less deficit spending for 10+ years running. He should of handled Iraq like Reagan handled Libya. Bomb the palaces to send a clear message and fly home. Quaddafi was quiet for 25 years. The sadistic, power loving Saddam would have done the same thing. The women said, “Oh I thought you loved Bush, I don’t hate you anymore.” She said it with a smile, like it was a joke, but I knew from our other friends that there was truth in her response. I told her that I respected Bush because he’s an honest man, a family man, a loving husband and a man of faith, but I never liked him and his big spending ways.
Now, we have an occasional dinner with this couple. Politics does not come up much anymore. I suspect that these very smart people realize that the Obama they loved so much and his failed policies are just indefensible.