messenger vs. message

Over the weekend my son and I had a rather significant, extended disagreement. Before sharing some of the details, allow me first to fill you in on my ever growing, budding in wisdom, 16 year old…

JT is funny and witty and studious and smart. He is athletic and thoughtful and strategic and sharp. He is also still 16.

Being 16 (shhhh… don’t tell them this yet…) means there is much to learn. Finally possessing a driver’s license although believing for years that they already know how to drive, 16 year olds are on that brink of maturity — growing by leaps and bounds while straddling the spheres between teendom and adulthood. They don’t know as much as they think they do, but they know exponentially more than they used to. In a few short years, independence will come calling in the form of college or career.

One of the things I’ve always admired about JT, no less, is his keen sense of perception. He is able to interact with others, dialogue, and then quickly make some very insightful observations. He seems to always be soaking so much in.

On Sunday he wanted permission to go elsewhere. With school still in session and “finals eve” nearly upon us, I appreciated his request but respectfully denied permission. Granted, in between the teen/adult spheres is a lesson for parents, too, as we must learn how to both loosen and tighten the reins, depending on the scenario at hand. Sometimes permission needs to be requested — sometimes not; sometimes it’s totally up to the teen. Parents have to learn how to put increasingly more of the decision-making responsibility into the hands of our soon to be adult children.

So when the request was made, I was not harsh nor curt nor any other knowingly negative adjective. I simply logically laid out the reason why I didn’t believe his request was a good idea.

Almost immediately, JT reacted strongly. But instead of dealing with the actual decision, JT’s sharp, verbal appeal was all focused upon the decision maker… yes, me.

Instead of weighing the merits of my decision, he focused on what must be wrong with me in order to deny permission. “Something must be wrong… you’re never this stern… your logic doesn’t make sense… what’s wrong with you today?” In other words, as our conversation ensued, JT spent his energy focused on the messenger and not the message. The conversation continued for another 20 minutes; it was 20 minutes focused on what was wrong with the messenger.

Hence, the decision stood. I would not change my mind.

After a chance to sleep on it (and also, to put heightened emotion to rest), JT and I spoke again of the conflict at the breakfast table yesterday morning. I told him that I appreciated his request, but I was not attempting to be stern; I simply felt with only a handful of school days left, he needed to solely focus on academics. I also shared how I’m often willing to reconsider my decision — and perhaps I might have the day before; however, when he shifted his focus from the message to me, I was less willing to alter any opinion.

He and I then spoke of how this happens in society. Adults, too — even the seemingly most intelligent among us — when they don’t receive the answer they want, begin to attack the messenger as opposed to the message. They work to tear down the other person as opposed to wrestle with the other person’s dissent. In turn, the other person becomes more firmly entrenched — with an even lesser desire to listen, consider, or change their opinion.

JT waited a bit and then asked if he could apologize. “I’m sorry for attacking you and no longer considering what you said. People sadly do that all the time.”

Did I mention he was a 16 year old kid, budding in wisdom, growing by leaps and bounds?

Respectfully…

AR