EQ

We did a crazy thing last Thursday. After a full day of work and regularly scheduled activities — even including a sweet, high school choral concert right before we headed out — we hopped in our car a little after 9 p.m. and drove the 814 miles to see our oldest, newly- indoctrinated college freshman. We spent approximately 39 hours with him (that’s if you count sleep time, too). So it obviously wasn’t our most practical of trips, but the benefit far surpassed the cost.

As we reflected upon the weekend, one thought stood out that seemed incredibly “blog worthy.” I mean, when seeing him for the first time in two months, it was well apparent that our boy was now a man. Certainly, like each of us, he has areas to grow in, but his growth was obvious — that direct turn into adulthood, with all the independence, joy, responsibility and awareness that accompanies the movement. I was immediately, humbly proud… and aware, too, of something bigger. Follow me here…

So many of us are concerned regarding society’s seemingly, downward sloping spiral; it’s as if as a world, we are quickly, morally digressing. We may vary in our perception of the cause of that spiral — be it a loss of virtue, faith, or respect for one another — or be it instead an embracing of humanism, individualism, or an “if-it-feels-good-it-must-be-right” mentality. But a clear majority of the country consistently vocalizes an impression that as a society, we’re on the wrong track.

I wonder if part of that perceived, wrongful direction is because of what we have modeled for the younger generation. I wonder if we have embraced and taught the wrong things which have thus led us down the wrong track. Have we taught our kids poorly — encouraging the embracing of lesser things? Have we been negligent role models? Have we embraced intelligence instead of wisdom? …material success instead of emotional health? … self-promotion instead of selflessly loving our neighbor?

Years ago my spouse and I read a fantastic book together, no doubt instrumental in our parenting. We read “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child,” written by John Gottman, Ph.D.

In it Gottman challenges parents to foster and develop the “intelligence that comes from the heart.” Instead of advocating for the best grades, best schools, and or best materialistic something, Gottman focuses on what’s better. He encourages parents to coach the following:

– Be aware of a child’s emotions.
– Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
– Listen empathetically and validate a child’s feelings.
– Label emotions in words a child can understand; and…
– Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation.

Such is the core of emotional coaching — leading to emotional intelligence in the younger generation.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a term that gained prominence after the 1995 so titled book by Daniel Goleman. EQ refers to the ability to recognize and distinguish different feelings in oneself and in others. That awareness then guides a person’s thinking and behavior.

It seems to me that much of our society struggles with exactly that. We struggle with appropriate ways to solve problems; we struggle when wrestling with upsetting issues or situations; we struggle to listen to one another empathetically. And while many may be incredibly gifted or academically intelligent, we are not necessarily emotionally intelligent. The fact that our society and our leaders do not consistently treat one another with empathy and respect — or only treat a select, like few with such grace — shows a glaring scarcity of emotional intelligence.

Back then, to last weekend…

It was great to see my son adjusting to his new surroundings. While undoubtedly aware of the potential hurdles along his current path, I see in him a man who has sweetly grown… a man embracing the reality of where he is… a man more sensitive to and respectful of those around him… a man learning how to listen… a man who is working positively through challenging situations… a man who is intelligent, who was emotionally prepared to go to college.

It was a beautiful, reflective drive home… all 814 miles.

Respectfully…
AR