As we witness continued incredulous events in the news — as it too often seems as if only the names and faces change — I’m struck by a bold assertion…
People keep telling me how I feel.
And, if I don’t feel that way, they proceed to tell me how I should feel.
I don’t get it…
Are we not allowed to have varied perspectives any more?
And… can varied perspectives not be equally valid or true?
I read an opinion piece yesterday morn which asserted that white people are uncomfortable saying the word “black.”
I’ve read opinion pieces for months asserting that some people are afraid to say the phrase “radical Islam.”
Noting the discomfort and fear assigned above, let me attempt to process an idea that probably won’t be comfortable or popular. Granted, getting to the truth, always with respect, is a higher priority for me.
It is true that some won’t say “black” and some won’t say “radical Islam.” Frankly, I don’t have a problem saying or hearing either.
But where good-thinking people lose me is when they assume they can discern my emotion and all that I am thinking. Sorry… they’re not inside my head; they do not know. But yet, they assign an emotion to you or me, seemingly to further their own, adhered-to narrative. I don’t think it’s malicious; it’s just that if they can nice and neatly ascertain our emotions with 100%, pinpoint accuracy, then they don’t have to wrestle with the validity within any other perspective. Another perspective may complicate their clung-to account.
It seems as if this assignment of emotion is justified as people observe our behavior…
If I don’t react as strongly, then I must not care as much. (… Seriously, can they tell if I’m grieving inside? And wait; they don’t see me all the time; they don’t know how strong I react…)
If I don’t verbally rant and rave, then my silence says it all. (… What if my silence was instead time for my private prayers? Am I required to share that with them? And they don’t know what conversations I’ve had; they haven’t witnessed those…)
If I don’t yell and scream and say ‘I’m mad as hell and not going to take it anymore,’ then I must be indifferent. (… Tell me: what psych class teaches that emotions are only valid if expressed the same way?)
One of the wisest changes I wish for our increasingly polarized, digressing society is to give one another the freedom to react differently. It’s why both the 49ers backup quarterback is free to kneel during the National Anthem and why fans are free to be frustrated with his perceived disrespect. People express emotion differently. And… outward expression is not — I repeat, “not” — an accurate barometer of how people actually feel.
I get it; we say “enough is enough”! We want no more incidents of an innocent man killed, a police officer persecuted, or a dreaded terrorist incident. Enough is enough.
But until we give people the grace and space to process, grow, and express their emotions differently — consistent with our own, unique, internal wiring — we will not make significant progress nor craft solution.
We must stop demanding everyone “feels like me.” And we must stop believing we know how everyone feels.
Respectfully…
AR
Very well put.
Dear AR,
You are correct. Feelings and perspectives are not arguable. No one can tell you that your feelings are wrong. We react whether wise or not so wise because an event has an impact on what we value. The term “Black” does not mean anything to me, than a description of what I see. It doesn’t make me fearful. On the other hand when I hear “radical Islam”, I only think terror. The feelings are different because the perspective is different. If I or my family was affected by an incident, regarding violence, then I am sure my perspective would be different.
I understand the right to protest as a means to express non-violent disagreement on an issue. The hard part is when it is not peaceful and innocent people are brought into a situation that forces the feelings and perspectives of others on them without a choice. Regarding the silent protesting, disrespecting our nation by kneeling during the National Anthem, I am saddened, for those who do it, that they find it necessary to further the polarization of our nation.
Remember who said he never read the newspapers because only the names changed? American lit class recall.