intramuralist ™

In our most recent post, I found it incredibly hopeful reading through the wise words shared by so many of you. Today I’d like to elaborate on a single one.

In response to “how can you/me be part of the solution,” one person wrote:

“Deconstruct some of your assumptions about how we are different.”

No doubt all of us have been on the receiving end of another’s assumptions. We’ve been assumed to be all sorts of things… to have some outlandish ideas… to be a little crazy… to have succumbed to all the lies… to vote a certain way… to lean drastically one way or another. The root issue is that we make assumptions about another we deeply believe to be true…

When they are not.

Here’s the thing. However we voted, at least approximately 75 million people voted differently than each of us. Picture that for a moment. 75,000,000. What flawed logic it would be for me to exert or even entertain an assumption that I could make about everyone who voted differently than me. Or even the same. Assumptions simply do not make sense.

Wrote career marketer and strategic consultant, Sarah Blick, a few years ago on her namesake’s blog:

“Why assumptions start…

It’s easy to make assumptions. All you need is incomplete information about a situation. And an unwillingness to ask the questions you need to complete the information. In the absence of complete information, you have to fill in the blanks yourself.

You fill in the blanks with YOUR interpretation of what you see or hear. Your interpretation comes from past experiences that seem similar. It comes from your past experiences, and also from those you’ve heard about from others.

Armed with your information, you connect dots that aren’t there. You can’t help doing this because you’re missing relevant information. In trying to make sense of the situation, you make connections between today and the past. Connections that don’t really exist. You jump to conclusions that are wrong.”

Let’s repeat what we hear…

It’s easy to make assumptions.

Our information is incomplete.

My own unwillingness is in play.

My assumption is based on my interpretation from my experience and what I hear.

I connect dots that aren’t there.

I then make connections and conclusions that are wrong.

Continues Blick: “Assumptions are ALWAYS wrong. I have a perfect record with the assumptions I’ve made. 100% of them have been wrong. And it’s hard to believe that I’m unique in this.”

Hence, let’s insert a hard question here: who have I made assumptions about?

… that I know? … and that I don’t? And have I made any about those millions?

Blick urges we “avoid making assumptions like the plague,” believing it’s toxic, divisive behavior — lazy, too — with all due respect — as it’s less effort, less work on our part.

A prudent encouragement is therefore to instead ask questions. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Ask them instead of discounting another. Ask them instead of even writing another off (… recognizing we’ve utilized incomplete info to do so). Sit longer with the unknown, the inconvenient, and yes, the uncomfortable. Ask questions about what you don’t understand. Adds Blick, “I’ve grown a lot from all the information I’ve gathered through asking questions… I’ve deepened my compassion for others by understanding the fears that lay behind their assumptions. I’m more positive. I’m more fun to be around.”

Time to commit to deconstructing our assumptions. They are not true — no matter how fervently we’ve convinced ourselves otherwise.

Once, in fact, several years ago, a group of curious teens assumed I was a very successful Olympic badminton player. I kid you not…

(Dare I say, that one, I shrewdly allowed to stand.)

Respectfully…

AR 

Two days ago I asked a sincere, simple question on social media: “how can you/me be part of the solution?”

Aware of the current moment of cultural tension and uncertainty — which expands way beyond the electoral wrangling — here is a snippet of what others had to say…

Pray. Humbly consider that we may not have all the answers and may not always be right. Look for common ground. Join together to do good. Remember we are all Americans. Engage in constructive dialogue. Don’t attack others with differing opinions. Listen with humility. Be willing to engage in/even initiate uncomfortable conversations. Step into places where you are not the majority. Learn rather than judge or correct. Accept responsibility when wrong. Forgive. Forgive again. Be open to other people’s solutions over insistence of your own. Be ready to change. Communicate. Share Jesus. Love. Have patience with everyone. Resist the lure to adopt solely a Democrat or Republican way of thinking. Be an independent thinker. Recognize the value of people. Look for all the ways we are the same. Make the effort to really listen and learn. Extend grace. Be kind. Do something different. Quit waiting for the other to meet you in the middle first. Commit to asking a lot of questions. Learn another’s story. Deconstruct some of your assumptions about how we are different. Stop dehumanizing the other party, candidate, and voters for the momentary pleasure of a funny meme or release of rage. Summon the courage to open the door of politics around the Thanksgiving table. Don’t allow healthy skepticism to slip into a paranoia that assumes the worst in everyone else. Recognize your perspective can be narrow. Know you have blind spots. Stop justifying social media bullying. Kindly interact. Provide for each other. Smile. Pray for individuals and country officials. Know God. Just love. Be willing to question yourself and assume someone with an opposing position also has a legitimate reason. Remember another’s journey is different from yours; your journey is not more right. Hear others. Care to understand. Know that God is in control, but He doesn’t promise things are going to be roses and sunshine. Have gratitude. Take off your stubborn and self-centered fear guard and see the good that comes from all situations. Fight for what you believe in. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Stop believing everything the media tells us is true. Start seeing that we have more in common than we don’t. Practice compassion. Let go of what we cannot control. Empower, uplift, and encourage each other. Recognize the opportunity before us now. Pray for the President-Elect. Relish reasonable, nonpartisan governance. Recognize that our ideological diversity can be a strength. Stick to our calling. Spread the good news of the gospel. Ask questions of each other to ponder rather than give answers and assert advice. Give smiles, grace, and continue to take care of our families and friends — no matter their politics. Listen more and judge less. Realize that the media (on both sides) is propaganda. Pray for God’s will, repentance, a turning to Him, healing, and reconciliation in our nation. Become active in your community and state. Hold those that are in power accountable, even if they are “your people.” Be intentional in creating and developing relationships. Seek out others that might not be likeminded. Come together as “We the People” and get the politicians out of the way, recognizing they often stir the pot, instill fear and cause division. Love like Jesus; look at others through His Heart. Ask questions. Practice unconditional love in order to create common ground. Recognize that healing will take every single one of us; it will take me. Stop the finger pointing. Do unto others. Lead by example. Show the world your integrity. Remember Joe Biden’s words: “We may be opponents but we are NOT enemies.” Recognize the difference between an opponent and an enemy. Never forget that God created the other person, too.

That’s a lot. I know. But it’s enough.

My hope doesn’t come from a person, party, president or any election result. And allow me to suggest that if it did, it would be a hope that is fleeting. All of the above have changed and will change again.

Hence, what’s not fleeting? What can we put our hope in that won’t be any different 4, 10, 27 years from now? 

I continue to return to my faith, learning to love God and love his people. 

Friends, however you voted, know that at least, approximately 75 million people voted differently than you. Looking down on them and thinking you know best is not loving nor respecting God’s people. Remember in whose image each of us is made.

Where is my hope? 

In not allowing politics to become my religion…

… and in all the wisdom and encouragement found in those above, who wish to do the same.

Respectfully…

AR

For weeks I’ve averred that I’m not all that concerned about Nov. 3rd. I’ve been more concerned about Nov. 4th.

We knew this day would come. We didn’t know exactly how yesterday would turn out — we still don’t — but earnestly welcoming the wide emotional spectrum amid our collective hearts this day, it’s time for a respectful, blunt, sincere but sobering conversation.

How does a culture — which has chosen to treat each other so poorly — change their insolent activity?

We’ve watched friends shame friends. We’ve seen spouses disparage spouses. We’ve been lured into one of the more destructive impacts of social media by sitting behind our insulating keyboards, feeling now emboldened to say face-to-face to another what we previously knew to be inapt. Insult has become acceptable. Offense has become commonplace. Opinion has become news. And social media has become nothing short of a 21st Century landmine field.

All sorts of dishonoring behavior has been justified… 

All in the name of politics. 

To be clear, politics matter. Politics matter because politics affect people. 

But something matters more…

In a land where the self-evident truth is that all persons are created equal and endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, we are called to love who our Creator created. 

Such is the same call to love our neighbor well… regardless of who our neighbor actually is. Our “neighbor” is anyone God has allowed in our path. That means the person who lives next to you… sits at the table with you… checks you out at the grocery store… befriends you on social media, etc. Note that the imperative to “love your neighbor well” has nothing to do with how another looks, thinks, or votes. It is also not conditional nor selective, meaning we only have to love some of our neighbors well.

The reason, therefore, the Intramuralist has been more concerned about the 4th than the 3rd is because this season has not been societally healthy. How do we move forward?

Clearly, based on yesterday’s incomplete results, we are an evenly divided, political country — 50/50. Half and half. It is not noble nor plausible to suggest we simply shame or demean the other half for why they think like they do. Yet we have been increasingly lured into thinking that’s ok — into justifying the belief that it’s ok not to love them… that it’s ok to tune them out, disrespect them — that it’s totally acceptable and possibly even necessary to dishonor them, to dishonor those who don’t think like “me.” Friends, we are dishonoring those we do not understand.

Writes author Scott Sauls in his recently released A Gentle Answer: “I’ve grown increasingly perplexed over what feels like a culture of suspicion, mistrust, and us-against them. Whatever the subject may be — politics, sexuality, immigration, income gaps, women’s concerns, race, or any other social concerns over which people have differences — Angst, suspicion, outrage, and outright hate increasingly shape our response to the world around us.”

Us-against them.

Our culture is encouraging dishonor.

Our culture is fueling the fire, encouraging us to individually determine if another is deserving of our attention and esteem. It’s baiting us into believing that the different don’t deserve it. And the minute we decide that another doesn’t deserve to be honored, it says more about us than about them, as we have chosen not to love another well.

I do not dismiss that this is hard. Not at all. I have walked with many who are in some intensely challenging situations. But my encouragement — which is undoubtedly counter-cultural — is to navigate through the hard in order to get to what is better. Our insolent activity is not what’s better. And in my semi-humble opinion, if we do not choose to change the way we respond and interact with one another, life will indeed get worse. If we wish to continue to exist as a country in which God still sheds His grace on thee, crowning thy good with brotherhood, we need to start now to build what yes, is clearly better.

Back to the keen comments of Sauls…

“Building something beautiful together will require participation from all sides. For those who are prone to injure, the call is to repent and to engage in the noble work of renouncing hatred and exercising love.

For those who are vulnerable to becoming injured, the call is to participate in the noble work of resisting bitter and retaliating roots of anger while embracing truth-telling, advocacy, and forgiveness.

For all of us, the universal call is to lay down our swords, listen, learn from our differences, and build something beautiful.”

No doubt such a course change will take humility and gentleness. It will take pause, patience, and intentionality. It means a commitment to what matters most and a resistance to a culture that encourages what’s lesser.

It’s November 4th. Join me. It’s time to begin.

Respectfully…

AR

I can’t imagine a more dire time.

So many involved…

So much fighting…

Deaths across the globe…

And even though some say “we won,” the past few years were grueling. Exhausting. Maybe even crippling for our country, earnestly wondering whether it’s even possible to return to civility and serenity.

But we did it.

After over 400,000 American casualties, as the soldiers came home from World War II, we learned how to do life again.

According to the insight of those who lived through the time, families began having babies; jobs were plentiful; the economy was strong; an increased push for equality began; people felt safe, and the nation was collectively hopeful.

Still, there was a residual cost to the tough years prior.

It thus makes me wonder: what will be the current, residual cost?

What have we lost? 

What thing that’s “best” do we need to get back? To seek. And to find.

Fascinatingly, after WWII, one of the “almost costs” was actually trick-or-treating… almost, if not for the help of Disney, a few children’s magazines, and one of the absolute, most influential cartoonists. Ever.

The origin of trick-or-treating is somewhat ambiguous. The Halloween habit came to this country in the late 1920’s; however, in May of 1942, sugar was legally rationed due to the fact that one-third of American sugar imports then came from the Japanese occupied Philippines. As reported by The History Channel, “With deep cuts to sugar allowances (half a pound a week, 50 percent less than pre-war consumption levels), it came as no surprise that children’s Halloween celebrations had to be adjusted.”

The consumer commodity would be rationed for 5 years. “When sugar rationing finally came to an end in June 1947, the commercialization of Halloween took off. Candy companies like Curtiss and Brach wasted no time in launching their Halloween advertising campaigns. But it wasn’t just candy companies that had stock in the reemergence of these festive celebrations. As early as fall 1947, the children’s magazines Jack and Jill and Children’s Activities both featured trick-or-treating in their October issues.”

Still trick-or-treating was an “almost cost” until the talented Charles M. Schulz, the creator of the comic strip Peanuts (and iconic characters Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy, Peppermint Patty and more) used his platform for healthy, appropriate social influence.

In the fall of 1951, Schulz ran three consecutive Halloween-themed strips. Always an encourager what’s best, Schulz’s artistic efforts were considered significant in trick-or-treating becoming an established American tradition just one year later.

Schulz used his time, talents and platform to encourage, unite, and spread joy. Allow me to admirably ascertain, he used his gifts for good.

As this grueling season comes to a close, may we be aware of the residual costs. May we also not be ok with them.

May we recognize that just because something has stopped — or even rationed — it doesn’t have to remain that way. We can do better. We can stop chastising those we don’t understand. We can quit typing words from our keyboards that we would never dare say face-to-face. We can resist making idols out of people or politics. And we can — and should — work to restore civility and serenity. Each of us.

“How?” one asks.

Honestly, sincerely, seriously… how?

By committing to seek what’s best, persevere, and use our gifts for good.

Respectfully…

AR

One of the classic conundrums that has seemingly long tripped adults up is actually a rather simple question…

How much grace should we give?

Better yet: how much grace should we give in contrast to truth?

It’s as if grace and truth are opposites and can each only be imparted pending how much of the other is in play. Consider the image of the scales of justice, with grace on one plate — truth on the other. If 100% grace has been extended, any ounce of truth is impossible to display. In other words, it’s an “either-or” world.

Yes, we are living in an “either-or” world.

But what if that’s not an accurate application?

What if we’re doing not only a disservice to ourselves but also to one another?

What if, therefore, we are wrong — and both could be applied? What if we could be generous with both grace and truth?

Consider the insight of Dr. Henry Cloud, the leadership expert, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author, whose books have sold more than 20 million copies.

Writes Cloud:

“… It is the tendency for a person to experience themselves, others or the world as either ‘all good’ or ‘all bad.’ It is the hallmark of immature formation. I say immature, as it is a normal developmental stage of thinking and perceiving in which everyone starts out life. If you think about it, you don’t meet a lot of infants or small children who are mature. They’re either happy and smiling, or it’s rage city.

Mature character, however, does not do that. She sees the world in what psychologists refer to as whole representations. In other words, when she looks at a person, even one who has frustrated her, she sees that person as the ‘whole’ of who they are and not just that mistake. She sees someone’s strengths as well.

For mature functioning, we cannot operate well in seeing the world in either-or terms. It is like trying to play tennis with only a forehand and not a backhand. There are a lot of shots you just cannot get to. It is frustrating to work with or be in a relationship with someone who cannot tolerate ‘gray’ or any degree of complexity that challenges their rigid thinking. Resolving conflict is more than difficult, as resolution usually requires an ability to see and work with the truth from the other side and integrate it into yours, finding a solution that transcends either polarity.”

No doubt, my friends, this time is tough. It would be so easy to conclude that whoever the other is in my life — the other person, party or perspective holder — is 100%, totally, completely, wholeheartedly, blindly, idiotically wrong, ignorant, incompetent, etc.

I get it. That would be easier. That is also a byproduct of the either-or world.

My strong sense is we are doing a massive disservice to self when we succumb to a culture which encourages us to decide who we are for and who we are against — as if all who think like us are “good” and all who don’t are “bad.” We have taken the bait of a culture actually encouraging the immature.

So what is it? 

Grace or truth? One or the other?

Allow me to suggest both…

Give grace to the different, even and especially when we don’t understand — recognizing mature processing doesn’t allow one to be all good and one to be all bad. And then, never omit the truth. Know that neither grace nor truth need be sacrificed.

But allow me to also suggest that the order matters in regard to how each is extended, as one sequence is clearly more effective. Let us lead with grace. Never omit the truth, but yes, lead with grace.

It’s both attractive and mature.

Respectfully…

AR

We’ve heard the binary juxtapositions. For example:

• You can’t be pro-life and vote for Biden.
• You can’t really be black and vote for Trump.
• You can’t be Catholic and vote for Biden.
• You can’t love someone who’s gay and vote for Trump.

Let’s add a few more…

• You can’t vote for Biden and believe competency is important.
• You can’t vote for Trump and believe compassion is important.

Or better yet…

• You can’t vote for Biden and not support socialism.
• You can’t vote for Trump and not support racism.

And maybe still most fascinating…

• You can’t not be a hypocrite and vote for _____ (feel free to pick a name).

Friends, I get it. We are a principled and passionate people. We believe what we believe for a reason. 

But we cannot reason for another. To be respectfully but truthfully bolder, we are not capable of reasoning for another, as each of us experience the world differently, and those individualized experiences shape our view of the world. Our view of the world shapes our vote.

So while it makes total sense we’d have difficulty comprehending many of the above combinations, it makes far lesser sense to craft such simplified, binary conclusions. 

Simplified binary conclusions are the result of seeing another person’s life through our own lens. 

Knowing then how tempted each of us is to view another through “my” lens, so-to-speak, I’m left wrestling with three aspects in regard to voting, reason, and what I can’t comprehend.

First, as we acknowledge the significance of suffrage in a nation that embraces freedom, I’m struck by the wise words of Chief Justice Earl Warren in Reynolds v. Sims (1964): “The right to vote freely for the candidate of one’s choice is of the essence of a democratic society, and any restrictions on that right strike at the heart of representative government.” I think of the right to vote freely; who am I, therefore, to judge how another should vote?

Second, there is much in this world I don’t understand. There are indeed many ways people behave that make absolutely zero sense to me. But when that happens — especially when it’s a person I know, love, or simply one God’s allowed in my path — I prioritize the following: (1) ask sincere, respectful questions, (2) recognize individual life experience is different, and (3) resist making conclusions that are clearly based more on my way of thinking than on theirs. Most often, when I feel capable of constructing simplified conclusions, it’s more because I don’t want to take the time and do the hard work to understand someone who thinks differently than me. 

And lastly, when I take that time and do the hard work and still don’t understand, I walk away with a singular wonder — about self, not another…

There are some things I am incapable of understanding. 

And that’s ok.

Respectfully…

AR

No doubt one of my all time favorite nuggets of enduring encouragement was uttered by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in his address at the Institute of Non-violence and Social Change in December of 1956…

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lives a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

What I like about this is two-fold. It’s also incredibly, currently counter-cultural…

First, note that the subject of King’s citing is not some other person. It’s about “a man” or by inference, a singular individual — “me”… what I’m called to do… how I’m called to behave… my work ethic… my performance… what drives and motivates “me.”

So much of current culture invites us to actively compare ourselves to others. Comparison in and of itself is not negative, of course… when I think of my friend, Marjie, I’m encouraged to be healthier… when I think of Andrew, I’m moved to read more… and when I consider Roni, I’m inspired to be more adventurous and accepting of all. Our differences serve not as rationale to feel better or worse about self.

Hence, when that comparison becomes a behavioral barometer to the wisdom and success within me — and therefore, by juxtaposition, the foolishness and failure within another — then that comparison is negative, divisive, and likely judgmental.

Only in a non-God-honoring, non-humankind-honoring society would a fraction attempt to build itself up by tearing another down. 

Whoever another is.

Such also serves, I believe, in why there’s ample distaste in the mouths of many surrounding the entire 2020 campaign season. All sides have spent arguably more time focused on the faults of another than on the feats of their own. That feels fairly impolitic to me. We crave — and dare-I-say, deserve — better.

The second aspect I love about King’s quote, no less, is the inherent worth of each individual calling. There is no variance in importance…

If you’re a street sweeper, sweep those streets well! …if you’re a painter, paint away with lavishness, excellence, and joy!

And so today…

If you’re an athlete… if you’re a teacher… if you’re a preacher, politician, influencer, or single mom…

Do your job well. Do your job with excellence. Enjoy and appreciate what you’ve been gifted to do in this season and time.

Allow me, no less, as a final word, a bit of an empathetic side note here — a sincere reflection regarding one of the three zillion and some ways the pandemic is affecting us…

With activity on hold and much of our rhythms and routines completely disrupted, no doubt many have been discouraged by their current callings and what’s actually on our plate — either that it’s not what we want or it seems so little; we can’t do what we want to do. That’s understandably, really hard. It’s in those moments where I remember my longtime, sagacious friend, Martha, who celebrated awesome birthday #96 last week! Years ago, as her mobility lessened, I will never forget her sweetly sharing with me when I asked if she was discouraged about a lack of physical involvement, “Dear, I can always pray.” Martha doesn’t focus on what she can’t do; she focuses on what she can. She then does so with fervor, devotion, and excellence.

So sweep. Paint. Compose or write that poetry. 

Teach. Preach. Even play basketball.

Run for office. Serve in the ER. Be on the front lines with those tireless healthcare workers. Maybe even stay home and pray, praying for the hope, livelihood, and great blessing of others.

But remember to resist comparison as a behavioral barometer; focus on “my” calling, “my” effort, and “my” behavior. And thus may we be so bold but unpretentiously petition that one day, “all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lives a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

Respectfully…

AR

No doubt multiple current challenges exist in this crazy cultural moment. There is a level of uncertainty that has crept into all sorts of societal nooks and crannies. And it’s rattling us. 

How do we know?

We are missing the big picture. We are justifying what is not good and true and right. And we are being lured into what’s lesser.

Allow me a few, brief examples…

We are being lured into what’s lesser if in conversation we lead with “I’m just going to say” and tolerate no response nor dialogue after that. That says more about “me” and my inability to consider thoughtful dissent than it says about anyone else’s ignorance or obstinacy. Our need to state our stance coupled by an unwillingness to earnestly examine another is evident of a lack of wisdom.

We are being lured into what’s lesser if we can no longer affirm an act of kindness or compassion. Like many, I tuned into the Senate Judicial Committee hearings this past week (as I do with each Supreme Court nominee — also grateful for C-SPAN). When progressive Sen. Diane Feinstein and conservative Sen. Lindsey Graham hugged at the hearings’ conclusion, I admit: I loved it. I love that the two seemed to recognize our shared humanity means more than political entrenchment. Hence, when the calls quickly came for Feinstein to resign because of her “betrayal” in expressing affirmation to the committee chairman, it was a sobering moment. I understand our passions; I also have long been an advocate for congressional term limits, seeing no need for the Grassley’s and Leahy’s to be in office so long. But when we are irked by an empathetic embrace, my sense is the problem isn’t with the people we are watching.

We are being lured into what’s lesser when we think only one side is hypocritical. One of the aspects that appeared clear to even casual observers last week is that these partisan sides are actively engaged in pointing fingers at other people only, acting as if the shoe was on the other foot, they would respond differently… they wouldn’t alter the rules… they wouldn’t ram things through… they would reach across the aisle and answer all the questions. That’s a little too much focus on “they” for this semi-humble current events observer. It also seems to be an incomplete read of our nation’s recent history.

My sense is being lured into the lesser rattles us.

And so two weeks before the national election (and more concerned about what happens after it — how people will treat each other, no matter the result), allow me to make my continued plea for an objective intake of news. The biased media is part of the lesser lure.

Let me encourage we consider what we wholly tune into — recognizing that there is a difference between news, analysis and opinion. AllSides.com is an insightful resource, as their stated goal is to “expose people to information and ideas from all sides of the political spectrum so they can better understand the world — and each other.” Here is their latest, updated media chart, which the Intramuralist believes to be especially vital now:

What we tune into matters, friends. It matters in how much we’re rattled.

As a person of faith, one of my goals is not to be rattled. It’s instead to stay grounded, hold onto the big picture, and to never be lured by what’s lesser.

Respectfully…

AR

I believe in promoting what is good and true and right. I believe most of us wish to promote what is good and true and right. I also believe all of us at some time fail in that promotion.

In this contentious culture, it seems we are falling a little more prey. It’s a culture that’s quick to write people off, encouraging to dehumanize one who has hurt you, and a society which justifies putting limits on honor and grace.

To be humbly but boldly clear, that is not how the Intramuralist thinks. I do not believe any of the above is good nor true nor right.

I’m reminded of a profound, fantastic story Steven Covey shares in his enduring classic, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”… 

“I remember a mini-paradigm shift I experienced one Sunday morning on a subway in New York. People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene.

Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing. 

It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive as to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt like was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, ‘Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?’”

Allow me to briefly interrupt. Covey was bothered. He was irritated. No doubt he was not alone in that irritation. He actually firmly believed he was being incredibly patient and virtuous by not lashing out, by not asking the man to do something sooner. Covey also believed — and this is key — that his perspective — because he witnessed it with his own eyes — was absolutely, wholeheartedly enough to determine exactly what should be done in the situation. After all, Covey was there.

Listen then to the rest of Covey’s interaction…

“The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, ‘Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.’

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, and because I saw differently, I thought differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. ‘Your wife just died? Oh I’m so sorry! Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?’ Everything changed in an instant.” 

Highly effective people honor others. Wise people honor others. They are generous with their grace. They are intentional in learning the stories of another in order to freely offer that honor and grace.

They also respect the backstory and perspective that is different than their own. They take time to esteem another by being intentional in their effort to understand those stories and perspectives — and… to restrain themselves. But as Covey profoundly unveils, the restraint is not in regard to withholding a declaration of judgment. The restraint is recognizing that the offering of judgment and vengeance was never their role to begin with.

So as we wish to promote what is good and true and right, I am left wondering… 

Is it ever wise to put limits on honor and grace?

And if I believe it is, is that more about what’s proper to do? Or about justifying my own irritation?

Respectfully…

AR

Fair warning: if you tuned in to today’s post with hopes of finding the answer to why COVID-19 exists or who’s received a divine endorsement in the upcoming presidential election, many thanks, but you’d best find another resource. The Intramuralist has no idea, and we will not begin to exert any opinion veiled as truth.

I’m more taking a pulse of how we navigate through truculent times. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist (nor even a college graduate) to discern that 2020 has been a tough year. It’s been full of challenge, friction, and uncertainty.

So what’s God got to do with it?

Allow me to immediately assert that I’m a pretty imperfect follower. So I will humbly rephrase… what’s God got to do with me? … or how we each individually handle it.

In these crazy, contentious times, in America’s melting pot, what’s God got to do with me right here and now?

The vast majority of Americans believe in God or in some higher power, accepting such faith makes far more sense than to believe we somehow accidentally, unintentionally came into human existence. 

According, therefore, to Judeo-Christian ethics, God sets the standard for justice, righteousness, love, law and order. He sets the standard for kindness, goodness, gentleness and truth.

That then should affect how we treat each other.

When we demonize or denigrate the different — when we mock or marginalize the one who experiences life differently — who looks, loves, or votes in a way unlike us — we are implementing some other standard. When we suggest that there is only one right way to look, love, or vote, we are implementing some other standard. Even when it’s hard.

Let’s, though, make it a little harder…

Maybe we don’t demonize or denigrate. Maybe we’d never mock or marginalize, especially on social media. But inside, we just think they’re stupid. 

Ok… maybe not stupid… let’s go with totally misguided. 

… erroneous, ignorant, confused…

If I believe that only Democrats or Republicans are full of integrity…

If I believe that only black people or white people have something to learn or do…

If I believe only Trump-lovers or Trump-haters are imperious…

If I believe only someone else… 

It’s always easier to enact “the only’s,”especially when it applies to someone other than me. That’s where as an imperfect person of faith, I must honestly ask how I’m treating another.

And the simplest, most convicting answer is a basic, universal teaching…

“Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?”

So what’s God got to do with me now?

It means I focus more on me than you. It means I wrestle with the logs in my own eyes rather than on the specks in another. It means I deal with the ways I am not loving, I am not extending kindness, and how I justify withholding justice, honor and respect from some people.

In other words, it means I don’t denounce the inconsistencies in anyone other than me.

Because if I’m honest, I recognize inconsistencies in me exist.

Respectfully…

AR