[From Guest Writer #5 in our annual summer series…]
We make decisions that are selfish, selfless, in our own interest and sometimes a combination of them all. Decisions people make have caused me to raise many questions. For example, what influences the way we make decisions? What level of people pleasing is involved? Are we afraid of what others’ opinions so we shy away from difficult decisions? How do we articulate our needs? Are our professional decisions made with the same motivation as our personal ones are made? Why is there a difference? Do we know when there should be a difference? When do we learn our decision-making skills or do they evolve as we change due to stress, wisdom, experience coupled with patience? Are we willing to make hard decisions due to life circumstances? These questions led me to think about three types of decision making.
Making selfish decisions can be viewed as small-minded, greedy, even egocentric. At times we are selfish making sure we get what we want without consideration if the decision is wise or if it hurts others. Egocentric decision makers think of themselves first with little consideration for the consequences of their actions on others. We have all done this, but do we do it with regularity?
Selfless decisions are considered to be humble, caring, kind, altruistic. They are the kind “do-gooders” make. But when we are selfless to a fault, our good intentions may interfere with our closest relationships destroying our inner circle of support. At what cost do we help others? We are taught that we should be selfless, taking no credit or consideration for the things, but we may be harming ourselves. There are times our selfless decision making is necessary. For example, a sick family member needs our constant attention. But there are times we volunteer so much of our time to organizations and/or work that we don’t notice how our actions contribute to the deterioration of our most important relationships. At some point we need to deal with our own needs and the needs of others.
Decisions that meet our self-interest require us to think about ourselves in relationship to our own need and others. Circumstances are woven into how we recognize our own self-interest, others’ self-interest, and how they are mutually beneficial or exclusive. Our faith, family, community, cultural influence and personal circumstances are part of our decision making. Finding the balance of what is our best interest is not easy but essential to our long term well-being. Decisions can have consequences, so our self-interest needs to be a part of our decision-making process.
Traveling abroad for over 50+ years has given me many opportunities to observe how people make decisions for themselves and their families. Extended stays and living briefly in another country provided me a glimmer into what it is like to not speak the language or know the cultural norms. The value of these experiences helped me to learn the importance of learning how to temper what I do as an individual when interacting with others. In short, my decisions do make a difference. We need to take responsibility for our decisions but don’t want to be falsely blamed for others.
One European trip taken pre-covid had a strong impression on me on how I view citizens of other countries. We need to make sure we don’t make sweeping statements. We must remember to separate decisions made by a nation’s government from its people. Sometimes they align, but often the people are not a reflection of the decisions made by leaders. There are times countries don’t have popular leadership either in their own nation or internationally. The nation’s people are not always reflective of those in power. Our own country is divided. We as voters do not always agree with whom is elected when they do not reflect our views or attitudes. But that doesn’t mean we are bad Americans; it just means we are exercising our rights, and we collectively live with the decisions of others.
An individual I met who owns a small business with his wife in Canada immigrated from South Africa when the violence there became so intense the father was stabbed in the neck when sitting at a stop light. The perpetrator took his cellphone as he stabbed him. The individual and his wife then made the decision it was in their family’s best interest to move because they no longer felt they could safely raise their children there. They had considered the United States because they felt the freest there but chose Canada. Both parents are highly skilled professionals who excelled in their fields. They felt it was in their family’s best self-interest to reestablish their new life in Canada because the supports new families need were in place and the cultural attitude towards their family would be more positive. They made their decision based on their self-interest. It has worked for them.
As we move through our next year, I challenge everyone to examine their decision-making style. Think about if you are making your decisions based on being selfish, selfless or on your self-interest. Then determine if making decisions on your self-interests moves you forward in a more balanced, healthy way. You are worth it.
Respectfully…
VEE