As the Christmas/holiday/yuletide/etc. season is quickly, post-Thanksgiving thrust upon us, a respected friend wrote about her family’s chosen approach in teaching their kids the meaning of this season. Her approach is not necessarily the Intramuralist’s approach. Still, I found her thoughts insightful, challenging, and at the very least, reasonable to wrestle with…
We don’t “do” Santa in our home. Or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. Some may gasp in dismay as they feel like we are robbing our children of the magic and fun of being a child and believing in such things. And these are also the ones who gasp and become offended when we share why we have chosen not to do what most of our society does.
Simply put, we don’t want to lie to our kids. “It’s not lying,” some will assert… “It’s pretending. It’s allowing them to believe in something magical… I grew up believing in Santa and turned out just fine.”
But when my child point blank asks, “Is Santa real? Is he the one who really puts the presents under our tree? How would he get into our house? How could reindeer actually fly? How would it even be possible for one man to deliver presents to all of the children everywhere?” I am stuck with a decision. I can either perpetuate a mistruth or I can be honest with them. The root of the Santa tradition (which is also now completely commercialized and heavily marketed) is fiction.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. When my son figured out the truth about all of these make believe characters (when he was 4-5-years-old), his response was: “So every parent lies to their kids? Is everyone a liar?” He seemed appalled at the perceived injustice; he went on to say, “I am going to tell all of my friends. They need to know the truth. They are not going to be happy when they find out about this.” I spent a long time trying to help him understand why people do this. I said things like, “They feel it’s more like pretending; they don’t see it as lying. Different people believe in different things, and that’s okay. We each have to make our own decisions. And you can’t tell other kids the truth because their parents will be very upset with you, because that’s their job — not yours.”
He eventually calmed down. But how silly it all must sound as we are working so hard to teach our kids about telling the truth and not lying. Lying is bad… but it’s okay for us adults to sometimes lie to our kids — even lying about good or fun things — yet leading them to believe in something that so obviously could never exist. It’s a bit confusing.
Which is another reason we chose to be real with them about these things. We talk a lot about God in our home. We talk about having faith in the unseen. We want them to know and believe in God, and we want them to trust that when we say that God is real, that we aren’t just pretending. We don’t want our kids to question us down the road or be hurt because we led them to believe in something that wasn’t real. It could ruin our credibility.
I am simply sharing why we have chosen to do things the way we have. Each of us really does have to choose our own path, regardless of how less or frequently travelled. We also need to respect one another’s chosen path. Just as we do not condemn others for choosing to embrace the tradition of Santa, we, too, should not be condemned for choosing not to perpetuate what’s untrue. But it’s funny how defensive people get. As a society, we aren’t very good at allowing one another to choose; too many get too defensive by the different choice of another. Why would others be offended when I say we didn’t want to lie?
We each have the freedom to raise our children the way we see fit. In our family, we do things differently. It may not make us the most popular or the most liked. But we do “real” in our home. Real love. Real life. Real celebration. Our hope is that we can raise kids who have real faith in a very real God. And for us, Santa just didn’t fit into our family.
Respectfully,
AR
Your readers of this post might enjoy reading a post by Matt Walsh.
http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/12/09/who-needs-santa-when-youve-got-jesus/
“This is what I hate about the guy. He’s a Christmas-stealing glory hog. He’s a diva; everything has to be about him, doesn’t it?
We invite Santa to Jesus Christ’s birthday party, he brings his stupid elves and a bag full of cheap toys, next thing you know it’s his party. If he leaves, apparently the party’s over.”
So, we did the whole “no Santa” thing with our oldest. At the age of 6 he asked to spend Christmas at his cousin’s because Santa went to their house and not to ours. At the point I realized we may have gone a bit overboard. There is a gap between our oldest and the rest of our kids, so we had the opportunity to do it over.
This time we decided not to make a big deal about Santa. We just didn’t talk about him, except about the historical St. Nick.
That didn’t mean our kids didn’t believe in him, because they did. They talked about him and made their lists. Sometimes Santa left gifts, they are always the boring gifts like socks and underwear. The cool gifts come from family.
I don’t know if this way is any better, but I think it was less traumatic all the way around. We just made sure that when we talked about Christmas we talked about Jesus coming down to earth as a baby in order to save us. That He was the reason for celebration and gift giving.
“We also need to respect one another’s chosen path… Why would others be offended when I say we didn’t want to lie?”
Because by saying “we didn’t want to lie” – this is not respecting the other’s chosen path – instead it is implicitly calling the other a liar. Most people will take offense when called a liar.
Now, don’t get me wrong – it may be true that they are a liar. Jesus called liars liars. The truth often hurts. But is it not true that we are all liars, murderers, thieves, idolaters, etc? What also hurts is hypocrisy and lack of grace among and between us sinners who call ourselves Christians.
“But we do “real” in our home…”
Again – there is an implication here that parents who choose a different path are not being real, or worse – intentionally being false. The tone is judgmental and condescending, and is stated in a way that will provoke offense from someone who has without malicious intent chosen something different.
Imagination is a real part of the human experience – both for children and adults. Human imagination produced Santa Claus. Human imagination also produced the wheel, the printing press, the computer, and the blogosphere in which we are able to have such discussions. Like anything else, it’s important to keep imagination in balance.
Is it lying to our children to indulge in the fantasy of Santa Claus at Christmas time? Or is it merely a harmless (even healthy) exercise of imagination? I suppose it depends on how we approach it… to that question I would say this:
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” – 1 Corinthians 13:11
Every child eventually reaches the point where they question whether or not Santa is real, and must decide for themselves what they will believe. When they are ready to ask the question, in my opinion that is the time that they are ready for the truth – that once upon a time there was a real guy named St. Nicholas who gave gifts to children, and the sense of giving that he represented has morphed over the years into the current fictional character we see today. The child can put away their childish understanding of Santa and transition to an adult understanding of Santa, and enjoy the fictional Santa the same way as they enjoy any other fictional character that captures their imagination.
An argument often put forth is that if we encourage our kids to believe in the fictional Santa, when they find out later that Santa isn’t real, they will extrapolate this traumatizing revelation into rejecting everything else their parents ever said – including teaching about Jesus. Has anyone considered that perhaps wrestling with the reality of Santa as a young child actually paves the way and lays a foundation for wrestling with the reality of Jesus as an older child or adult?
Just like with Santa, everyone eventually reaches the point where they question whether or not Jesus is real, and must decide for themselves what they will believe. When we are ready to ask this question, it is time for the Truth. Here is the difference – kids get the truth about Santa from other people, however the Truth about Jesus is conveyed by the Holy Spirit. When this Truth brings conviction and repentance, that is when we put away our childish understanding of Jesus as the guy in the Sunday School cartoons with the kids on his lap, and transition to an adult understanding of Jesus – our creator, redeemer, our God.
In our neighborhood, someone has fabulously decorated their yard for Christmas with the central focus a silhouette of “Santa” kneeling beside baby Jesus. Love this! I imagine the original Saint Nicolaus in the “great cloud of witnesses” who’ve gone on before us, wanting us to finish well in Jesus. If “Saint Nick” indeed was a real saint, having witnesses observing from an eternal vantage point motivates me to want to weed out more of the stuff in my life that will get burned up in the end as wood or straw (& there is plenty!) He’s working on me to want to build what will survive through to eternity. Deeply longing to grasp the eternal that I / we’re created for, I personally don’t find the Santa tradition satisfying. Becoming part of Jesus’ true story is so beyond fairy tale fulfillment, that knowing Him, I’ve never understood the need for Santa. I guess to me, Santa’s strongest point is accentuating my need for Jesus! I need the One that took my naughty & daily gives me nice in return! I need more than fantasy, Someone faithfully & mercifully with me everywhere every day of the year, providing for all my needs, challenging & modeling for me sacrifice that satisfies fully & forever. His miracles blow my mind, especially that He said even greater things would be done by those who follow! To me that thought disturbs me from being satisfied with manmade traditions. When I see the trust & wonder in my kids eyes, & the vast, gut-wrenching hurt & need in the world, I personally don’t want to give any less than the Ultimate hope that they will never have to say good-bye to but can continue to embrace for real in child-like wonder daily & all eternity.
I appreciate the camaraderie we share in recognizing our status: in need of a Savior. Whether or not we agree on Santa, I am hopeful that He’s not finished with me yet, & I trust He’s using even these blog conversations to bring us closer to oneness in Him. I know this conversation challenges me to grow in Jesus, full of grace & truth. SOOO thankful daily for His mercy & loving patience with me!
Beautifully said by Scott. We happen to have some family members who choose to celebrate nothing for fear of being “labeled” a liar or fraud for Jesus. We took the following approach:
“On Christmas, Santa brings us gifts that WE DON’T DESERVE and can do nothing to earn. We told the kids that this is the one time of the year that we get a real life representation of what it is like to be given the “gift of salvation”. We didn’t earn it and we sure as heck don’t deserve it. It is a gift freely and wonderfully given to us. We are to celebrate and enjoy it just as we are to celebrate and enjoy the gifts that we receive on Christmas. We celebrate Jesus birth on Christmas (yes all or you who major in minors, I do know that Jesus was not born on this day and all the pagan history as well). Jesus who would eventually die so that we could be forgiven and spend eternity with him.”
Nuff said ……and, no, my now teenage kids never equated any of the fun of Santa to questioning their faith or our honesty. In fact, as the boys discovered the “truth” early on, they thought it weas so fun that we were in on it and that they got to be in on it too for their little sister. They are all fabulous, well adjusted Christians who plan to integrate Santa into their family celebrations some day.
Love this conversation!
Just want to clarify that our not pretending in Santa isn’t due to “fear”…& we don’t ban fun, creativity or imagination!. 😉
It is a minor issue, & for some, including us, we can play along a bit, but for a lot of people it seems Santa is taken very seriously, expecting everyone to play along, not only pretending, but really trying to convince kids to continue to “believe” & sadly seeming not to know what else to talk about (or sadly as if there is nothing else to take joy & hope in?) if we don’t play along..?
Prayers welcome, for this “Jesus freak”! Being forgiven MUCH constantly, He’s who I so desire to shine so brightly! It used to be hard for me to believe in Jesus. I got caught up & distracted in the temporary things, personally.
I admit, I can be intense. I feel the pain of the fallen world deeply. Now, knowing Him, a fire is lit in me that in whatever I / we do, the world needs to see Him, the only Hope for all my (& the world’s) madness & sadness! (I personally don’t mean boycotting places that won’t say Christmas & such politics! but showing His real power for the real problems with Love!! – & especially & creatively serving in Love where His name is banned!!) So whatever manner He leads you / us to share His love, Lord let me, & each of us & our kids be the message of not being “Scrooge” about whether one does or doesn’t do Santa, but each one fulfill the calling Jesus puts on us: so not my name (or St Nick’s name) is made known, but His, through the unique expressions He leads, the new things He is doing through all the living sons & daughters of God! Let His Hope & Love for the whole world shine!!