I was in a meeting when the call came. I recognized the number immediately. I excused myself, found a quiet room, and then answered the principal’s call. One of my sons had behaved inappropriately at school; a brief suspension would be his consequence.
Now prior to arriving at the main point of today’s post — which has little to do with adolescents acting out — let me add a few relevant caveats. One, the improper behavior is atypical of my son. And two, the behavior would be improper by any who engaged in it.
When the call critical of my child came, I had to choose how to respond. Do I ignore? … deny? … attack back?
Let’s face it; the news was negative. My son needed to be disciplined. No one enjoys hearing unfavorable words about their own flesh and blood — about someone or something so near and dear to their heart — about something of which we are deeply passionate. It’s possible that I could have disagreed with either the assessment of behavior or the apt consequences. It’s then equally possible that I would have allowed myself to entertain the idea that perhaps someone else motivated my son’s poor choice — that someone else may thus bear the blame.
Such has caused me to wonder how as adults we handle similar situations…
Someone shares negative news or opinion about something near and dear to our adult hearts… about a person, policy, or passion. And instead of prudently weighing the wisdom within the words and considering the opinion — wisely discerning any truth within the perspective shared — we often ignore, deny, or (seemingly typically) attack back.
Someone calls us a name, so we call them something else. Someone hurts us, so we justify hurting them back. Someone disagrees with us, so we pressure them into silence. Someone wrongs us, so we work for their firing. Someone shares a perspective critical of what we believe in, and so instead of weighing the wisdom within the words, we only hear criticism. We thus justify attacking back. Granted, we use bigger words than on the middle school playground. I am, however, again reminded that intelligence and wisdom are not synonymous. The adult who fights back first is no wiser no matter his or her utilized syllable count.
When I responded to the school administration, my first response was to thank them for calling. As much as I may not like what they had to say, I want to know what they believe and why. I want them to transparently share their perspective. I then affirmed their perspective. They were there; I was not. Their perspective is valid. And third, I acknowledged that we’re on the same team — we all want the same thing — which is for my son to mature wisely and thus curb any negative behavior. I shared that I would reinforce the consequences at home.
Friends, my sense is that sometimes we become more focused on the consequences than on curbing the behavior. We spend so much time and energy fighting for our passions, that we rarely weigh the validity within a perspective that seems critical of our passions.
Thank God for those who care enough about our children to invest in them — investing in them via education, encouragement, challenge, and discipline. Yes, it is only a loving adult who disciplines the child, even though no discipline seems pleasant at the time. We thus should always weigh the wisdom in another’s words.
Respectfully…
AR
Wise words for parents and people!