losing the art of friendship

What have we done?

That was the thought that went through my mind as I sat with a group of 8th grade girls. They were chatting about the usual teenage girl stuff: school, friends, and boys.

Then one of the girls commented, “My best friend and I were being silly, skipping to the school bus holding hands the other day. One of the kids at the bus stop yelled, ‘Lesbians!’ Now that rumor is all over school.”

“What did you expect?” said another.

This is not an article about sexual orientation. The topic I would like us to think about is the sexualization of simple expressions of friendship and the impact that is having on our kids. The American Psychology Association states that “sexualization occurs when:

* A person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;

* A person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;

* A person is sexually objectified —that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making;

* And/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.” (http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf)

Most of us are aware of the negative side effects of girls being over sexualized in regards to their male counterparts. (Click on above link for the full scoop.) Young girls are overly concerned about being attractive and attracted to boys, and now they seem to be dealing with relationships with female peers in a sexual context as well.

“You understand that being affectionate with friends is a totally normal things, right? It has nothing to do with whether you find that person attractive or not.” I said to blank stares. They didn’t believe me.

“When I was your age…” I started, then stopped when I got a group eye roll. My telling them of the good old days wasn’t going to help.

This conversation has been on my mind since and I have brought it up to enough teens and young adults to believe that their perception is a common one. And it made me sad.

You see, I do have strong fond memories of the girls I hung out with in 7th and 8th grade. These were the years of growth-spurts, first bras, periods and passing around books by Judy Blume. We leaned on each other for understanding and support, and laughed until milk came out our noses. At dances and skating parties we would be just as likely to partner up with each other as with a boy. Dance or skating with a boy had flirty overtones, but among ourselves there was none of that. We shared a close intimacy that allowed several of us to cram into a bathroom; one changing, one peeing and another at the mirror putting on her Bonnie Bell lip gloss.

Oh, we talked about boys, but mostly the unattainable ones whose Teen Beat pin-ups were taped to our walls. Most of our time together was spent making our own adventures: camping under a starlit sky, sleepovers that involved baking, making up dance moves and then crowding close to each other telling ghost stories, or hanging out at the local swimming hole. Our friendship was not based on being thin or fat, tall or short, curvy or flat. We were just us.

As we’ve grown up our lives paths and experiences have been as diverse as anyone’s. However, during those formative years when we were transitioning from girlhood to womanhood, our society and media wasn’t telling us that our physically displays of affection with our peers had sexual connotations. We were free to hug, touch, and run arm and arm. We were free to accept each other no matter how we were made. We learned how to be good friends, strong and reliable, and that love had very little to do with sex, but with our willingness to be there for one another.

I worry about this young generation who consider every relationship with their peers in a sexual context. I worry about their ability to be content, self-accepting and at peace.

Respectfully…

SBS