My oldest daughter asks, “Would you write a guest column for my blog?”
Sure! …what to write about?
Her sister, Nicole, is on my mind everyday. Would anyone be interested in my thoughts?
Maybe… Let’s give that a try.
Initially there was a positive — a relief. Her pain was over. No more struggle with the… ya … all that. But what a void in my psyche! Immediately you get busy with all the arrangement stuff. Lots of support yet one day down, next day level. Then the anniversaries start as April enters. A month since she died — two. Another month brings the 35th anniversary of her birth. We would always celebrate at her favorite restaurant.
A father laments with the reminder of special moments, special thoughts, special sharing. For more than a year, every other week, early on Thursday, in the car to Iowa City Medical Center…
“How is it going today?”
“Not yet Dad. I need a little time.”
Ten miles down the road the conversation starts. There were concerns lifted, issues clarified, history reviewed, faith affirmed and assured.
I have three daughters and two sons, all to whom God has given special gifts. Nicole had some exceptional qualities like no other — beginning with her always present smile, a symbol of her attitude. All four of her siblings will confirm that enthusiastically.
A few years ago she gave me a gift that seems so appropriate now. It is a book along with CD called, “Something Worth Leaving Behind.” Inside the cover she wrote:
“To Dad — From Nicole — I love you! Thank you for all you have taught me.”
I listen to the music now… with tears, for she taught me so much more than I ever taught her. She taught me how to face stage four cancer in a way I don’t think I ever could. She taught me how to not give up even though the oncologist gave her a year. She taught me to live with a confidence in difficult times and offer her “I’m fine” to the very day before she died. Yes, she also taught me to believe in important spiritual and eternal things when the going gets real tough.
And as I reflect now, she continues to teach me more.
With Both Grief and Joy…
RWM
My heart skipped quite a few beats reading this beautiful post by your Dad, and as a parent myself, I too have been blessed with the experiencing of learning from my own children. Love….it is still the most lasting legacy we will ever be gifted to share with the world. Your family knows the value of this truth most fully!
Well said. Family is so important and so missed when they are gone. If we listen, we learn so much more about them. Prayers all of you as you go through this year of firsts.
I learned so much as I watched my sister battle cancer and then from Nicole as she shared her walk in her Caring Bridge blogs. I was amazed at the miracles of sisters being brought home to their sister for treasured time together. I stand in amazement of parents who suffered one of the most painful losses in life, the loss of a child. Both reaching out to others grieving during their own grief. That is how we help each other along, sharing the good and bad together even over the miles.
It has been three years for our family and the anniversary dates are a little less raw. I remember her when I visit her favorite restaurant or stores, she loved to shop and eat. She and Nicole both had beautiful smiles that lit up the room and thinking of them always brings a smile to my face. They both taught people in the world around them how to face fear and move on to living every day fully. There was no dwelling on the what if, it would waste precious time and energy.
That is the attitude I try to maintain when the darkness of the loss tries to move in. I have still allowed myself to grieve which I didn’t do in the immediate aftermath. Do I have days I would like to curl up in a ball and hide from the world? Yes I have, but I know that it is ok to let it out and then keep going. Some days I just fake it till I make it. Both of these lovely women still teaching me by how they lived their lives.
I love this Bob! Thanks so much for writing this! Nicole was such an amazing person..wonderful smile, amazing attitude, and a fighter. I miss her so much everyday.
Oh Bob, thank you so much for posting this. I think about all of you so often because I know that as time goes on, our grieving gets worse for a while. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers, and sending HUGS.