our kids’ dignity

When my dear friend AR asked me to write again for her, I honestly had two reactions. First, I was very humbled and honored, and secondly, I was at a loss of what topic to write about this year. After much much prayer, I hope this is what He wanted me to write…

I can’t tell you the number of moms (sorry, Moms; I’ve heard these things from you directly) I’ve talked to recently who are denying the opportunity for their children to learn self-reliance and responsibility. Let me elaborate, and please, please hear me; I’m sure there are times we’ve failed, but I’d like to think our boys are self-sustaining or heading in that direction.

I will give examples of “dignity squashers” first — then move on to the “dignity encouragers.” Let me give the exact definition of dignity so we’re on the same page. Dignity is pride in oneself, self-respect, self-worth. By not teaching our children life skills that evoke dignity, we as parents are setting them up to fail. If they don’t have the necessary life skills to move on, we are crippling them to be dependent, entitled adults. We as parents MUST have the goal of teaching our children to be dependent, self-sustaining adults. Therefore, they can have a family and home of their own. We all want our kids to be able to make it on their own — and be successful. However, I don’t think these moms are realizing they are doing damage to their kids and their future families.

Allow me to set the stage… It’s a middle school gym, on an abnormally warm February day. The gym is packed with parents, students, and two wrestling teams. It was warm in there; we were sitting cheek to cheek, and it was almost over. A heavyweight boy then took the mat for his turn to end the day; his effort was no match for the skill and experience of the other team’s boy. Our wrestler got pinned, and laid on the mat crying. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, the boy’s mom and sister came screaming, and tromping down to the mat from the top row of the bleachers. They threw themselves on top of him, screaming and wailing his name. I was mortified for the boy.

Another example is blurbs of conversations I’ve had… A mom is preparing for her children to start driving and begin thinking of college majors and desired schools; however, she won’t allow her kids to use a sharp knife.  Another mom is still ordering food, making appointments, pumping gas, making sandwiches, and actually moving to college with her son — because he isn’t able or prepared (or she doesn’t believe he’s able or prepared) to do these things on his own.

A girl my son dated, couldn’t make toast; she had never used a washing machine or dishwasher. I asked her why, and she said her mom said it was easier to just do it herself. Friends, please hear me; the goal of parenthood is NOT to make our kids’ lives so easy that they can’t function on their own. Does it feel good to be needed? Yes, absolutely. But trust me when you see your kid making and doing things on their own that are needed skills. That feels awesome!

Let me give another example of a dear friend that has had two major events in her life, that I have been awestruck at the grace and dignity that she extended to her son. My friend, T, posted they were elated to announce that their son was going to a well named college to play his dream of football. More posts came of him moving in and starting school; however, a short time into the year, he decided it wasn’t what he wanted to do and came home. There were other circumstances, I’m sure. How did my friend, T, show dignity to her son? She posted a simple statement that he was home from school, and they were seeking the Lord’s guidance and allowing him some space. WOW! I was astounded at the grace and humility she showed. She denied the possibility of any gossip to start and gave her son the dignity he deserved.

The same family, a short time later, found themselves in a potentially devastating position. Their son’s girlfriend became pregnant. As the mom of boys, I totally appreciated her difficult spot. What did my grace-filled friend do now? She posted another simple, loving, brutally honest statement. She said she loved them — and children are a blessing from the Lord; this child is no different. She made a beautiful, simple statement — and denied the stirring of gossip pots as her family moved on to honor God with their lives.

Here’s my last thought… Don’t dread your children growing up. Be excited for what the future holds, because you know you’ve prepared them. Reassure them that you will always be there to give them support to help in anyway, but it’s not your place to take opportunities away from them because you didn’t prepare them or couldn’t deal with life’s natural progression.

As always, it is my prayer for those who need to hear this to take it to heart. Those who aren’t ready to come to grips with this, bookmark it and come back to it after you seek His truth. I’m in no way insinuating I’ve always given my sons dignity in every difficult situation; however, it is what I strive for daily.

With Prayer… Not to Offend But to Enlighten…

Mama Wahl