intramuralist ™

Knowing it’s a priority of the Intramuralist, recently someone asked me exactly what “respectful dialogue” means. Allow me to begin by professing that I am no expert. The thoughts shared below are a compilation of priorities I’ve embraced from the insights and wisdom of Dr. Marilee Adams, Steven M. Covey, Carol Kent, Catherine Marshall, M. Scott Peck, Marshall Rosenberg, scripture, and more. Some words are my own; some are not. But this is how I think. I believe it is only through respectful dialogue that we can consistently, continually communicate.

So let’s first identify some terms. Some are positive; some are not. Positive terms include evaluate, opine, assess, probe, and critique (or “constructively criticize”). Negative terms include judge, bash, insult, denigrate, and criticize. [A couple notes… #1: the difference between “critique” and “criticism” is the motive… #2: the meaning of “criticism/critical” has changed through the years — moving from a sense of analysis to more a place of judgment.]

In order to be sharpened by meaningful discussion, we need to communicate in respectful ways. I’ve included key components of respectful dialogue. Granted, this list is not exhaustive — but it would help us communicate incredibly better, if we could each…

1. Encourage 1st person pronoun usage. Utilize expressions based on personal experience, including phrases such as “in my opinion” or “as I understand the facts.” As Rosenberg advises, instead of saying, “The indisputable truth is,” a person offers “I believe it to be true that.” This recognizes the fact that others may have a different perception, information, or sense of truth.

2. Refrain from accusatory language. Avoid rhetorical slams such as, “you are wrong” or “he doesn’t know the facts.” Such accusations typically prompt more defensiveness than pave any progress toward respectful, productive dialogue.

3. Avoid assertions about others’ motives. This refers to conclusions such as “I will assume your silence means” or “you must say that because.” Rarely can we fully know the motivation of another — especially in social media. This also typically prompts defensiveness.

4. Offer generous affirmation and empathy — offer it even first. This helps people know that we care more about them than wanting to shout our own opinions, be right, or drown out any varied thinking.

5. Avoid vulgarity. Geesh… I can’t say this enough. This is no attempt to insert any sort of “morality police.” It’s more because it’s disrespectful and rarely makes any among the intelligent look so wise. Let me offer, however, a brief caveat, aware that many of us resort to this at some point in time. If expressed, the vulgarity should be indirect (i.e. using “holy sh*t” as opposed to “that piece of sh*t”… granted, it is a very rare occasion that such sh*t is actually “holy”).

6. Avoid mass labeling and/or stereotypes. The notion that “all liberals,” “all conservatives,” “all Pantsuit Nation members,” “all Trump supporters,” “all white people,” “all black people,” “all religious,” etc. can be identified as “all anything” is simply inaccurate. Such shows a lack of discernment on the articulator’s behalf, and thus causes the articulator to lose credibility.

7. Avoid venting. Most every conversation that begins with “I just had to say” or “I’m just going to put this out there” or “I have to get this off my chest” ignores that reality that the subject of each is self. Venting is better shared in counseling, close friendships, and accountability relationships.

8. Honor all emotions, especially deeply negative or positive passions. After the expression, it’s helpful to echo back what we heard and engage in reflective listening, utilizing such phrases as, “It sounds like you feel very [blank]” or “yes, this can be very emotional.” We are honoring the person by validating their passion — not necessarily by agreeing with the perspective.

9. Ask questions of another. I can’t say this enough. Consistent with Covey’s Habit #5 — “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” — this is undoubtedly one of the hardest things for current culture to consistently do, especially via social media. Most of us are most comfortable stating our own, full opinion first, as opposed to taking the time and effort to truly understand another. Instead of evaluating (positive term), we judge (negative term). Instead of probing (positive term), we ask questions from our own frame of reference (self focus). Each of these obstruct understanding.

And 10. Remember there is always something we don’t know. That reality keeps us humble, keeps us asking more questions, and keeps us focusing on others more than self.

Here’s to respectful dialogue… always.

Respectfully…
AR

It’s pretty cold in my hometown these days. At the time of this writing, my seemingly temperamental thermometer is registering a whole 11°.

Driving in the cold yesterday, I was about to turn into a small shopping center when I noticed an older van blocking the entrance. So I finagled my vehicle via the exit route instead, backed up, and positioned my car directly in front of the van. Here I noticed a middle-aged woman, obviously struggling, and I could tell that her phone was frustrating her somehow, also.

So I got out of my car in the windchill that made the temps even colder.

“Ma’am, are you ok? Do you need help?”

She opened her door, and in a bit of understandable distress, responded, “My car just died. It just died in the middle of the road! And my phone won’t work either.”

I then asked that she come with me, sit in my car — a bit of a warmth oasis from the outside chills — and use my phone instead.

“Jennifer” was her name. Warming up a bit inside and out, I quickly sensed a very kind, meek woman. So meek, in fact, when I held out my phone for her to call the emergency auto service, she began to press the buttons shyly while I still held the phone.



“It’s ok. You take it.”

Together we spoke to the road service, identifying the location, issue, etc. She needed some assistance with that.

Part of the assistance was affirming in spite of the onlookers. Here in my car sat one caucasian and one African-American. We were now both blocking the entrance, in what is a fairly busy locale. But sure enough, consistent with some of the perceived societal digression, we witnessed not so much a division in the onlookers — more a unity. All sorts of persons drove by, attempting to enter but unable; there were all sorts of ethnicities, demographics, you-name-it. And they were unified…

… in their impatience.

The audacity of the number who felt need to honk at us was a little incredulous, to say the least.

Jennifer was bothered; I was moved by her genuine desire not to be a burden to anyone. I smiled and said to her, “No worries. I’m always amazed at how impatient people can be when they don’t have all the information. They simply don’t understand. And they don’t know what they don’t take the time to understand.”

She sweetly returned my smile.

After 20 minutes or so, we felt the situation was under control, and Jennifer went back to her car with the tow truck’s imminent arrival. She thanked me multiple times, especially for stopping in the cold.

It wasn’t much. I said, “You know, I believe one of the reasons God put us here was to learn to love him by helping one another. Thanks for allowing me to help you.”

And with that, we said our sincere goodbyes.

It’s pretty cold in my hometown these days. But some days are a little warmer.

Respectfully…
AR

So with the new year and accompanying plethora of “Yada-Yada-Yada’s of the Year” proclamations, I found myself somewhat amused by Merriam-Webster’s announcement that “surreal” was its word of the year for 2016. Defined as something that has been “marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream,” the company’s “official” statement read:

“ ‘Surreal’ is Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year because it was looked up significantly more frequently by users in 2016 than it was in previous years, and because there were multiple occasions on which this word was the one clearly driving people to their dictionary.”

Surreal’s selection was based upon volume, as the company analyzes “perennial words that are looked up day-in and day-out, and words that spike because of news events, politics, pop culture, or sports.” Close runner ups included “revenant,” “icon,” and “in omnia paratus” — a Latin term meaning “ready for all things.”

So it got me thinking…
… about the year to come…

Perhaps you’ve seen the encouragement… Pick a word. Any word. What’s your one word for the year ahead?

“Change is possible, but focus is required,” suggests MyOneWord.org, meaning that if we were to focus solely on one thing — just one thing — one word, that is — that change would be more probable and likely; it wouldn’t seem like such a daunting task. Our word could be…

… resilient… belief… patient… disciplined… grateful… peace loving… healthy… consistent… positive… brave…

It matters not if the word is an adjective, verb, or any other particular part of speech. But it should have great meaning to you. That’s it: you. It matters not what it may mean to another; it matters what it means to you.

“My One Word” authors Mike Ashcraft and Rachel Olsen contend that: “Our resolutions seldom work because they are based on the type of person we’re tired of being rather than who God wants us to become. Plus, resolutions can be ‘broken,’ leaving no room for the process of growth. What if our hopes for the year ahead centered instead on who God wants us to become, and the transformation process?

It’s okay to want to be a better you, and the New Year is a natural time to start. The question is, how? My One Word replaces broken promises with a vision for real change. When you choose a single word, you have a clarity and focus. You are moving toward the future rather than swearing off the past.”

They thus outline the following steps:

Step one: determine the kind of person you want to become. Think about December of 2017, the end of next year. Who do you want to be by then?

Step two: identify the characteristics of that person. Visualize them. What are they like? What are the specific qualities of the person you want to become?

And step three: Pick a word. “There might be fifteen things that you want to change, but you must resist the temptation to promise you will do them all. Instead, simply commit to ONE WORD.”

What I appreciate about this exercise is that it makes change and growth possible. It makes it practical; it makes it noticeable. It doesn’t take a divine lightning bolt from the sky, nor is it merely some rhetorically-pleasing resolution that we’ll be defeatedly chucking in a matter of months. This is real growth… real change. If we are going to become the people God has called each of us individually to be, then we need to grow and change… each year. That process is nothing short of, well, surreal.

Join me, friends. Pick a word. Any word. Just one.

Respectfully…
AR