I saw this quote posted by a friend today on Facebook : “You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.”
The funny thing about that is it’s the third time this week I have seen that exact same quote. The first was on a bumper sticker, the second on a coffee mug in a gift store. It has me thinking that the Universe is trying to tell me something. I don’t think of myself as argumentative or combative. In fact most people who really know me would say that I do my best to avoid confrontation. So why me, Universe? Why now?
Why not, say eight or nine years ago? Back when social media was a pretty new thing for people of my generation and there was a presidential election in full swing. At the time it seemed like finally those of us who loathed confrontation had found the answer to getting our point across-just post it. I could say whatever I wanted because I wasn’t actually arguing face to face with anyone. Which also meant I didn’t have to accept ANY opposing opinions about anything! If I didn’t like what they had to say in response to my post I could just ignore it, or delete it or let someone who agreed with me go after them in the comments; it was a beautiful thing. Until it wasn’t any more… turns out Facebook confrontation are the same thing as real confrontations — go figure?
Those arguments I was typing with the distant relatives of my best friend from nursery school? Turns out they were actual people and not just dialog boxes, and the “discussions” we were having were being read and judged by all of our friends. And you know what else? The only opinions any of that critical closed-minded dialog changed were of me and the others who participated in it. No one suddenly changed their entire belief system based on a Facebook argument. Shocker right?
I know this because my small hometown has a Festival every summer. It’s the one time of year you can be guaranteed to run into old classmates and long ago friends. Every one comes back and what used to be three days of catching up has morphed into three days of talking about what you have posted on Facebook recently. And let me tell you, it isn’t nearly as much fun to apologize to someone for arguing with their Mom about immigration as it is to remember the time we hit a pig on the highway after the homecoming dance.
So without even knowing it, I learned that I didn’t have to attend every argument I was invited to. I stopped posting political pieces. Stopped commenting for the sake of starting up a fight. I weighed in here and there but I chose my words carefully and bracketed it with things like “respectfully” and “we don’t all have to agree”. I became mindful that, for most of my Facebook friends, what I posted was the only definition they would have of me. I don’t speak to many of them face to face. They don’t know how I live my life, that there is more to me than my posts and replies. And I didn’t want that to be their truth about me. I am more than just my political beliefs or my religion or my alma mater (though that one I still have a hard time not defending). I am a sum of all of those things and more.
And now another Presidential election is upon us. I know this because I live in Iowa and here things start getting revved up pretty early. We already have commercials and candidate forums. Editorials are being printed in our newspapers and opinions, lots and lots of opinions. And slowly but surely, those one sided political posts are starting to make their way into my newsfeed. I shudder to think how this one will go. After all, we’ve had years to sharpen our blades and our social media skills. How many of us will let our passion trump our reason? How many of us will lose friendships over words we type on our keyboards? Think about that before you hit post. Maybe you think it doesn’t matter, that if someone disagrees with your opinion you are better off without their friendship. But what about their respect? When did we become a country where people either agree with you or they are wrong? Maybe it was around the time we all started posting our opinions instead of talking about them in person.
Respectfully…
Jules