Recently I experienced a tough conflict with a few friends. “Tough” means the conflict was deep, the passions were strong, and the people are important to me; we didn’t all feel the same way, and navigating through the conflict is difficult. Shortly after the conflict commenced, I got on a plane and flew to LaLaLand… ok, Orlando… Disney… No offense to all my Florida friends… it was a wonderful weekend away.
It was wonderful for many reasons — foremost being the ability to escape the prevailing, oh-so-beautiful “overcastness” of a November in the Midwest — where the first, coldest breezes signaling autumn’s end do far more than send a chill up one’s spine. I was able to exchange such loveliness for warm temps, sunshine, and a pretty spiffy, spanking new convertible.
It was a leisure trip — minimal work — a few professional meetings, but mostly just relaxing and basking in the sunshine.
Yet another reason for the trip being wonderful was that it provided for me a bit of a bubble… a cleared out, insulating space where I didn’t have to deal with anything but the warm temps, sunshine, and spiffy convertible.
I didn’t have to deal with the conflict.
In fact, not only did I not have to deal with it, but the beauty of the bubble is that it allowed me to escape reality for a while. I could go and frolic and bask in the Sunshine State’s sunshine… and thus escape and ignore what remained back underneath the overcast.
The bubble effectively insulated me from reality.
But a funny thing happens when you fly to the land of Minnie and Mickey for a weekend. You have to fly back.
Flying back means wrestling with reality.
The reality is that the conflict does exist and because the people are important to me, I’m going to have to work it out. I’m going to have to deal with some messy stuff. I’m going to have to humble myself long enough to admit my own wrongful thinking, and navigate through some challenging perspectives. I’m going to have to be still. I’m going to have to listen and learn from more than the likeminded. I’m going to have to respectfully articulate my opinion. I’m going to have to quit convincing myself that I have the sole valid take on the issue. And I’m going to have wrestle with the legitimacy of a side other than mine, even when that’s incredibly difficult for me to see.
Let’s be clear; it’s not that I need to simply lay down, submit, and surrender my opinion; it’s not that I have to dismiss the validity of my experience. No, my opinion is valid. Each of our opinions are valid. It’s more that we must each listen to each other. I must listen. They must listen. I must refrain from judgment. They must refrain from judgment.
Why? Because listening to others and refraining from judgment are keys to wisdom.
I will be very honest. I don’t always have a desire to listen. Sometimes it’s easier for me to just hang out in my bubble, insulated by the exterior, and not navigate through any tough conflicts. Sometimes it’s easier to go to Disneyland.
But I believe in loving all people well. I believe in respect for all people — not just the ones who see the world as I do. I believe in seeing life through the eyes of people who are different than me… even when it’s hard. They sharpen me. They help me grow.
Please, though… don’t think more highly of me than you ought. I make more than my fair share of mistakes and obvious errors in judgment. This isn’t easy. I just want what’s better, wiser, and more.
Also… it’s really hard to quit thinking about that convertible.
Respectfully… always…
AR