In case it isn’t clear, the Intramuralist is not a conflict avoider. It’s not that I love it, desire it, nor welcome conflict with open arms. It simply doesn’t scare me away. And I have realized that navigating through conflict wisely is undoubtedly one of the most effective means of growth.
Let me be clear: I am not speaking of growth for others; I am speaking of growth for me.
When not recognizing the growth opportunity, conflict has the potential to bring out the worst in us. In the last week, we have felt and witnessed “the worst”… name calling, gloating, violence, judgment, and disrespect… on all sides.
Friends, you can’t love your neighbor well if you only love half your neighbors.
Last week we had an election. It was tough; it still is. Many are struggling with the vote, even though no candidate tallied a majority; no one received 50%. That means whomever each of us voted for, we are each in the minority. But being in the minority is hard; it’s hard to process all that happened. There is grief. There is fear. There is celebration by some. But there is still grief and fear. We must be cognizant of all.
Allow me, if you will, to humbly share the events of my day last week… Tuesday, November 8th, Election Day…
As typical, I chose not to vote via absentee ballot. I enjoy physically going to the polls, catching up with my neighbors, interacting with those in my community. First, I ran into some old friends from baseball. Our sons played together when they were six (… that was 13 years ago!). I then saw another show choir mom, a man I coached with, a teacher friend, a couple couples from church, and another close family set of friends.
Then I saw Richard. Oh, wait… Three years ago, when I actually ran for a local precinct position — and lost, by the way — Richard was my opponent. We hugged, gleefully caught up, exchanged a few ideas, and wished each other well. I love Election Day.
You’ll remember, however, that going into last Tuesday, I had serious reservations about both primary party candidates. With no intended disrespect, I saw neither as all good or all evil. I saw neither as the Messiah nor as God’s gift for us all to somehow put our hope in. I saw each as a significantly, ethically flawed candidate, whose flaws were minimized by sincere supporters and carefully crafted PR campaigns.
I think perhaps what concerned me most leading up to that day, is that I also witnessed people screaming at only the flaws in the other — forgetting that both — no, strike that — forgetting that each of us, have ample dents in our armor… each of us have screwy sides… each of us are sinners with the opportunity to be saved by grace. I was grieved by the masses who only acknowledged flaws in persons other than self or in the likeminded. I foresaw conflict only increasing.
Friends, the way to navigate through conflict wisely, is to at some point pause long enough to quit pointing the finger at everyone else. It’s ok to observe. It’s ok to be hurt, frustrated, even angry. I believe it’s totally all right to utter “what in the *$&%^# [bleep] are they thinking?!” But at some point, in order to navigate through things wisely, we must stop and ask, “What here, do I need to learn?”
Exchanging the exclamation of “you need to learn” for the humble question of “what do I need to learn” is one of the most effective means of growth.
Back, no less, to Election Day, as I then did the unthinkable…
Even though the Intramuralist pays more than ample attention to current events in hopes of always encouraging respectful dialogue, I went to bed early Tuesday night. That’s right; I paid no attention. I left my laptop off and never turned on the TV. I watched zero tweets and results as they were coming in. I said my prayers — thanking the good Lord for this gift of life, praying for mercy and grace for all of us — and then slept very well.
My concern was copious both after and before the outcome, knowing that as a nation, we do not deal with conflict well. We fail to grow because we take turns justifying the name calling, gloating, violence, judgment, and disrespect. We get sucked into those PR campaigns. We ignore the flaws in one and promote the flaws in another. We have biased news sources. We are insulated by the likeminded. We don’t embrace true accountability. We get puffed up. We only see one side of an argument. We stop talking to the ideologically diverse. We unfriend. We judge. We limit grace. We then put hope into something other than the divine. All sides. We all do it.
I get it… it’s easier. Humbly asking what we must individually learn is harder indeed…
It is also the key to loving our neighbor well.
Respectfully… always…
AR
Yes, going beyond the “What the bleep are THEY thinking?!” to actually asking someone who seems on a polar opposite position, (“an enemy” so to speak), “Help me understand what you’re thinking.” I love your reminder that our common ground is remembering we all need God’s mercy in our lives. Because if we assume there is absolutely no common ground, how can we build a bridge? There seem to be awesome opportunities all around these days to ask ourselves “How well am I doing at loving those different than myself, even my ‘enemies’?” And maybe that’s one place we currently need mercy!
A prayer that has settled my heart numerous times, & I continue to see God answer: “Lord, PLEASE change them where they need to be changed! AND, ok, keep changing me the way I need to be changed, too!”! When I sincerely have prayed that, God has added much compassion in my heart to others who I would otherwise look to as evil, enemies, because now I’m looking to see God work on them & feeling hope because I continue seeing Him changing me for good, too.
If I forget that common ground, then I end up instead, verbally, or via social media, picking up a stone to throw.