Current Event – Page 84 – intramuralist ™

09/15/201509/15/2015

more law?

In our last post we referenced society’s selective adherence to the laws of the land — and our inconsistencies in advocating the adhering or breaking of law, pending what law we’re actually talking about. Truthfully, I think we’re collectively pretty bad at that (… shhh… no speeding conversations, please).

That then reminded me of the below; we shared something similar several years ago, but it felt time to revisit — as best as I can discern, the following are still the law of their so-called lands…

In North Carolina, bingo games are not allowed to last over 5 hours unless held at a fair.

Embracing the sacred riddle, in Quitman, Georgia, chickens are not allowed to cross the road (… no matter why).

Be careful in the Lone Star State. In Texas it’s illegal to sell your eyeballs.

On Sundays, no less, in the state of Rhode Island, you may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer.

Gainesville, Georgia does not allow for the eating of fried chicken with anything other than your hands.

In Utah’s defense of marriage, there are to be no marital unions between cousins — except, that is, if a Utahn is 65 or older.

Carrizozo, New Mexico requires all women to be shaven if appearing in public.

Eureka, Nevada has a similar challenge with hair; If you have a mustache, it’s illegal to kiss a woman.

Alabama prohibits all wrestling between bears (…shew).

Alaska prohibits viewing moose from an airplane.

Wyoming protects the sensitivity of its rabbits; no picture taking is allowed from January to April — without a permit, that is.

In the state of my birth (gotta’ love those Hoosiers), should you desire to utilize public transportation, you must be sure to wait 4 hours after eating an onion or garlic.

In another favorite state of mine, for the record, it’s illegal to get a fish drunk in the great state of Ohio.

Also for the record, flirting is against the law in San Antonio (oops).

Idaho trumps health over chivalry; an Idahoan man is not allowed to give his fiancé a box of candy that weighs more than 50 lbs.

Idaho’s neighboring state of Washington is so honorable; a motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

Also in Washington, you can be arrested or fined for harassing the legend of Bigfoot.

In Arizona, if you are found stealing soap, you must wash yourself until the bar of soap has been completely used up.

And in Hawaii, it’s illegal to put a coin in your ear.

Hmmmm… Maybe it’s no wonder we’re so selective.

Respectfully…
AR

[Note: special thanks to JustSomething.com and DumbLaws.com. Who knew?]

09/13/201509/13/2015

law of the land

Sometimes I’m quiet. Sometimes being quiet is good. Sometimes sitting back, taking time to reflect upon more angles of an issue instead of instantaneously reacting is a wise and wonderful thing. As mentioned multiple times, there is no issue the Intramuralist is unwilling to discuss. Sometimes, however, we will wait for the right time. Let’s discuss Kim Davis.

Actually, no. Let’s not discuss Kim Davis — the county clerk from Kentucky who refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses and instead went to jail. Let’s not make it about the person — the individual who had her so-called 15 minutes of fame; let’s focus on the issue. Way too many people made it about the individual… and truthfully, that bothered me a bit…

I was bothered by those who made Davis into some sort of profound heroine… “Finally, a person who’s had enough and not going to take it anymore!”… a person who’s finally standing up to an over-reaching government. I wasn’t too keen on those who seemed to utilize standing with her as a personal, political opportunity…

I was also bothered by those who portrayed Davis as some sort of ignorant imbecile… those who justified the mocking and vilification — mocking her hair, her past, her physical appearance. I was bothered by the many who mocked her who often preach compassion and tolerance — but then, justified totally no compassion directed toward Davis… no tolerance either…

Same-sex marriages are the current law of this land; it is the law in Kentucky. We can like it, love it, or want no more of it. We can also change it, if desired. We can enthusiastically agree with the summer Supreme Court decision — or we can vehemently disagree with the court’s opinion that the Constitution provides any right to marry. We can be emphatically joyous that five black-robed justices decided the law of the land; we can also be disturbed that a mere five justices determined that law. We can be either. Good people are either. It is still the law of the land.

As a human resource professional, I have long hired persons to do their job. If they don’t do their job — or can’t do their job — then the reality is that the person should have another job; they can resign, be let go, or serve in another capacity. That is not heartless nor cruel nor lacking any compassion. I simply believe that it is the employer who decides what the job is — not the employee. Public or private, profit or non-profit, too many believe they can be the deciders of what they will and will not do. They ignore aspects of the job for which they were hired, elected, or assigned.

That said,   I deeply admire persons whose faith affects their entire being — whose behavior is so obviously prompted by their authentic belief in the one, true, amazing, almighty God. There is just something within that depth of faith that is admirable, contagious, and good.

I also believe it’s true that religious freedom is a serious issue in this country. I think we need to find a way to address it absent of cruelty and hypocrisy. Let’s face it: this is tough for us; it’s tough for our entire country. We tend to support or oppose religious freedom depending on how it fits the angle and issue we’re coming from at that time…

Can we force the baker to bake? … the photographer to take? … how about the florist? Have you heard, too, about the current case before the court in which our federal government is actually suing an Illinois trucking company that requires Islamic truck drivers to deliver alcohol? The feds are fighting for their religious freedom. Why is freedom allowed one place but chastised elsewhere? Why are we not consistent?

Friends, this is messy. Religious freedom is messy. This can also be understandably, highly-emotionally charged. But we have to figure it out — and not just support or oppose it when it fits with the issues about which we are individually most passionate.

In my semi-humble opinion, the issue that arose in that Kentucky county last week was not about religious freedom. It was also not about Kim Davis; she was just the easiest target to attack. The issue that arose was the selective adherence to the law of the land.  Is it ok to be selectively adherent?

… what about persons who justify breaking other laws? … what about those who broke Prop 8 when it was law in California? … what about those who continue to support illegal rioting and destruction?

In other words, do we get to decide what laws to adhere to?

Are we thus ever inconsistent or (God-forbid) hypocritical in our adherence?

Like I said, this is not about Kim Davis. It’s about following the law of the land… which each of us is sometimes good at… and sometimes not.

Respectfully…
AR

09/10/201509/10/2015

immigration aspects & angles

Some propose a wall. Others say no wall is necessary.

Some propose amnesty. Others say amnesty isn’t appropriate.

Some believe no immigrants should ever be let in. Others believe all should be welcomed any place, any time… the more, the merrier…

Your tired, your poor… those huddled masses yearning to be free… oh, what to do…

Here. There. In the U.S. and Europe… oh yes, what to do.

When we attempt to decipher the different aspects and angles, I think the challenge comes in that we each trump one aspect of the argument (fun to use that word there, by the way); one angle means more to us than another.

As referenced in Tuesday’s post, for example, it’s very difficult to see the limp, lifeless body of 3 year old migrant, Aylan Kurdi, and not want to turn around and scream, “Let ‘em in! Let them all in!” I admire the compassion of those who immediately wish to aid and abet all yearning, huddled masses. The empathy… the compassion… the desire to help the seemingly least of these in securing a solid, stable life is a beautiful thing.

Also embedded within the masses, no less, are those who desire to destroy us. Make no mistake about it: there are many people on this planet intent on strategically sneaking into our country for the sole purpose of destruction. As the 14th anniversary approaches Friday of arguably, the most contemporary “date which will live in infamy,” many persons want to make certain terrorism never again happens on American soil. I admire the resolve of those who work tirelessly in those efforts. To protect… to defend… the desire to limit terrorism is an honorable thing.

Still more within the masses are persons who wish to make a better life for others. Years ago, when living in Southeast Florida, I had much contact with legal and illegal aliens. Perhaps it was Pepe who touched me most. Pepe was here in this country legally, working two totally non-glamourous jobs, 80 hours per week, paying taxes, and sending more than half his check to his family in another country. He never complained. He was a law-abiding citizen of one country — and a law-abiding resident of the other. I admire the kindness of those who generously pave the way for people like Pepe. The generosity… the humility… the genuine helping of a brother or sister in need is a wonderful thing.

Others included within the migrants are persons who have no intention of ever contributing positively to the totality of society. They don’t pay taxes; they don’t give back. They’re not terrorists, but they do intend to take advantage of the welfare assistance and social services our government abundantly provides. I admire the persons who are thus concerned about the strain on a system that doesn’t support itself fiscally. Life isn’t free; someone has to pay for it. The fiscal-responsibility… the proven business practice… the logic of ensuring a process or program is financially solvent is a prudent thing.

So we have the following:

Compassion & empathy
Protection & defense
Kindness & generosity
Fiscal-responsibility & prudence

Each of those motivating aspects is valid. The challenge and dissension arise when we trump (there’s that word again) one aspect over another.   I get it. One aspect often means more to us. Sometimes we can only see a single side.  That one aspect, however, does not allow us to negate the validity of another angle or opinion. It also does not allow us to omit the legitimacy that lies within other angles.

Compassion, protection, kindness, and fiscal-responsibility are each valid, pursued priorities.   While no doubt it’s harder, if we are committed to coming up with a wise, comprehensive way to address all immigration issues, we must consider each of the above.

And… dare I say… let go of the trump…

Respectfully…
AR

09/08/201509/08/2015

him…

Have you seen it?
Have you seen it?
I ask twice because if you’ve seen it — if you’ve seen him — you would not forget.

No, I do not believe we can forget…

Last week 3 year old Aylan Kurdi and his family attempted to flee from Syria to Europe. The fighting is so bad between the Islamic State terrorists and Syrian-Kurdish forces that his family was desperate to get out of Syria. Of his mother, father, and 5 year old brother, only Aylan’s father survived the treacherous trek across the great Mediterranean Sea.

These are desperate people — caught up in a major migrant crisis, as Europe attempts to discern how to respond.

This crisis existed long before last week. But what happened Wednesday? Aylan’s picture surfaced… this precious, innocent boy, a dark-haired toddler, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, was found lifeless, laying face down in the shallow, Turkish shore.

Sometimes we don’t care about something until we see it. Sometimes we don’t think too much until we experience it for ourselves; there’s a little bit of outta-sight/outta-mind mentality that permeates each of our thinking.

After seeing Aylan — and then later, a second image of a sober-faced policeman, who gently cradled Aylan’s limp body and carried him away — I care. I can’t get that picture out of my mind.

Not only is this a tough story to write about, but it’s a tough story to even follow — lots of angles, lots of motives, lots of countries, and all sorts of varied responses. Hence, what are the basics about the migrants’ massive flight?

The majority of immigrants are coming from Afghanistan and Syria; they are fleeing war, torture, and persecution.
Migrants are also fleeing from Africa, with the majority coming from Eritrea, Nigeria, and Libya; they are fleeing due to poverty and abuse.
While the European migrant or “refugee” crisis has been going on for some time, increased Islamic militant violence has also increased the urgency for many to move now.
Germany and Austria have said that they will welcome the migrants; in fact, in the most recent development, the German Vice Chancellor said his country would accept 500,000 annually for the next several years.
Many other European countries will not allow the migration — as they already face significant economic challenges of their own. Hungary, for instance, has called for Germany to end its perceived “open door” policy.
Funding is an issue — how to pay and care for the migrants; tensions and disagreement seem rising within the various governments within the European Union.
Simultaneously, the migration is becoming seemingly riskier; there have been multiple reports of dangerously, over-packed boats — also, of boats sinking.

Desperate people dying.

So what should we do?

Great question… hard question… and the answer is probably not some nice, easy, simple answer. If it was easy, it would already be fixed.
Still, it is something we must address — even if outta-sight/outta-mind… even if on the other side of the world…

Have you seen the picture of Aylan?

Respectfully…
AR

09/01/201509/01/2015

everyone counts

(Next in my series of observations while away last month…)

Roll up your sleeves. Take off those partisan hats. Exhale any opinion ready to pounce. Let’s talk about what we’ve observed regarding #BlackLivesMatter.

Originating in the wake of the acquittal of George Zimmerman in 2013, the #BlackLivesMatter movement campaigns against perceived police brutality in the United States. Note that according to Wikipedia and The Daily Beast, the movement is reportedly a decentralized network, with no formal hierarchy or structure in place. As summer has progressed, we have seemingly still witnessed an uptick in activity.

Many have felt oppressed. Many are frustrated. Many have experienced grievous injustice. Many cry out. At the very least, they/we deserve to be heard.

The danger for any of us, friends, based on our own experience and the depth of our individual passions, is when we conclude that we deserve to be heard more than anyone else — that it’s completely acceptable for us to drown out all other voices… all other perspectives… be rude, disrespectful, you-name-it.

In Houston, Texas last Friday night, 47 year old policeman Darren Goforth was off duty but still in uniform. He was innocently pumping gas at a Chevron station in a northwest suburb. A young African-American male came up and shot him from behind — with no known provocation — killing the officer — also, gut-wrenchingly, continuing to fire even after Goforth had fallen to the ground.

Ironically, planned ahead of time — and unrelated to Goforth’s murder — the very next day, 350-500 #BlackLivesMatter protesters shut down multiple entrances to the Minnesota State Fair. While their stated aim in this instance was to draw more attention to economic and social disparities, many of the activists still chanted, “Pigs in a blanket, fry ’em like bacon” — all while receiving a police escort for their protection.

Protests in Minnesota. A murder in Texas. Unrelated. But what can we observe?

On Saturday, in response to the death of his deputy, Sheriff Ron Hickman explained that investigators currently believe a “dangerous national rhetoric” against police officers led to the seemingly unprovoked attack. Hickman then, soberly added this:

“We’ve heard ‘black lives matter’ — ‘all lives matter.’ Well, cops’ lives matter, too. So why don’t we drop the qualifier and just say: Lives Matter. And take that to the bank.”

The reality is that all lives really do matter. If we’re all created equal, then yes, we all matter… black lives matter… white lives matter… cops’ lives matter… Hispanic lives matter… Muslim lives matter… evangelical Christian lives matter… Jewish lives matter… women’s lives matter… men’s lives matter… gay lives matter… elderly lives matter… babies’ lives matter… transgender lives matter… special needs’ lives matter… young lives matter… deaf lives matter… lives matter. Period.

Hence, from my observations — politically incorrect as they may or may not be — when we’re at the point where we can only acknowledge that one (or some) of the above lives matter — when we are no longer listening to any reasoning other than our own — we are then missing a vital, dire aspect of wisdom. A society that is unable to admit that all lives matter is a society that will forever suffer from oppression and inequality — as individual people groups only advocate for their own.

I think of my oldest son. Recently, he trekked off for his freshman year of college (yes, more observations coming here quite soon). He, no less, by all accounts, is quite proud to now be a Florida Gator (…insert appropriate chomping sound here…).   I’m reminded even more of the University of Florida’s extensive, summer orientation — an informative, encouraging time when one of their programs was arguably emphasized above all others: “U Matter, We Care.”

Instead of the focus being on how much “I” matter, the university boldly proclaims how they care for all people; they know that everyone counts.

There’s a beauty and freedom in acknowledging all who count. If only we knew… and only believed…

Respectfully…
AR

08/30/201508/30/2015

the rise of trump

During our excellent, annual Guest Writer Series (a topic upon which I will soon more reflect), I made multiple observations. In all honesty, such is one of my favorite things to do — sit back, be silent, just watch and learn. Too many seem to fill their surrounding air time most with the sound of their own voice. It’s often far more fun (and uh, wise) to be intentional in our observations.

Hence, one of my observations comes in the political arena… yes, I speak of the controversial, mind-boggling, oft-fascinating, to-some-infuriating, at-times-funny, rise of Donald Trump. Donald Trump is a serious candidate for President of the United States in 2016.

Ok, first things first. Take a deep breath. Take off your partisan hats. This is not an endorsement nor any show of opposition or support. We are making observations. We are simply attempting to watch what’s happening and examine potentially why. There is very little emotion embedded in the process of making observations.

Over the past month, we have observed the following:

Donald Trump’s support increasing.
Hillary Clinton’s support decreasing.
Growing interest in candidates Carson, Fiorina, Kasich, and Sanders.

In a head-to-head match-up (which — by the way — is way too early), in June, Clinton held a 24% lead over Trump; now, it’s less than 6% (per CNN).

So back to our observations. Why the attraction to Trump? I understand that many of us are not attracted to him, but the reality is that many people are; that’s what I’m attempting to observe. Here is a man, with all due respect, who has made some preposterous statements. He has been rude. He has flip-flopped. He has evolved. Sometimes I question his comprehension of the Constitution. He comes off as incredibly arrogant, and without a doubt, he really seems to like the sound of his own voice. And yet, for some reason, he has been surging. The media has been eating it up. What is it about Donald Trump?

There is one trait Trump exhibits as a potential President, that this country has not seen consistently manifest for over two decades. Note the following:

While in the White House, Bill Clinton’s grand jury comments about his behavior with women damaged his credibility with many.
While in the White House, George W. Bush’s stated motives for pursuing Saddam Hussein damaged his credibility with many.
Still in the White House, Barack Obama’s multiple misstatements about ObamaCare damaged his credibility with many.

My point is that whether we agreed or disagreed with the motives of the man in the office, we have had valid reason to believe whether or not the sitting President of the United States was telling the truth. Are they being honest with us? Or are they assuming we are stupid and/or undiscerning of what they really think and mean?

Enter Hillary Clinton — a candidate with a reasonable resume to run for the highest office in the land; she has extensive political, legal, and foreign policy experience (although personally, I’m thinking we need fewer lawyers in the White House). But Hillary seems to struggle before cameras, press conferences, and large groups — especially when her notes are removed. She seems stiff — a little robotic; her answers seem proven and poll-tested. And on that whole, yukky, ongoing, emaily thing, she keeps hedging and contradicting herself. In other words, there’s a growing sense we are not getting the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth from her. I thus find myself always wondering if what candidate Clinton is saying has been filtered and edited, and if everyone on her campaign team has sat around and said, “Ok, good one; let’s go with that!” It just doesn’t feel authentic.

Why? Because authenticity means saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

We crave authenticity.

Let’s be clear: Donald Trump says some of the darnedest things. I don’t get how he does it. But he doesn’t need notes; he doesn’t need a TelePrompter; and his campaign staff hasn’t filtered everything he says. He at least appears to be authentic — even in his often rude, preposterous statements; we know what he means. From my initial observations, that authenticity seems a similar reason driving the growing interest in candidates Carson, Fiorina, Kasich, and Sanders. They may not be totally authentic, but there’s something in their individual speaking styles and interactions that’s attractive and refreshing to many.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Let the rest of us decide from there.

Respectfully…
AR

08/27/201508/27/2015

something like this

I’m back.

(Note: I had a post ready to publish, but the events of yesterday altered my thoughts — and thus my plans and our ensuing, respectful dialogue.)

On Wednesday morning, as the Virginia dawn was breaking and many more were waking, a television reporter and a photo journalist were shot and killed during a live broadcast. They were shot by a former, said to be “disgruntled” employee. It was intentional. The very initial investigation seems to indicate the murders were premeditated.

Heinous. Horrific. Give me whatever word you want. As my longtime, sweet school friend shared with me — a friend who is also an accomplished photo journalist — I’m “numb. Just numb.” She told me about yesterday’s newsroom… how their typically bustling set was only quiet and devastated. There is “no ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, or CNN” on days like yesterday; our newsrooms are a close knit community. There are so many emotions — for them, for us — yet so few words to adequately describe.

It seems true on this planet, when bad things happen, we really struggle with how to respond… wisely. I get it. If we’re not numb, we’re outraged. Maybe, often… both. And when we’re outraged, we react immediately. We are a reactionary people.

I thus paused, observing the plethora of instant, varied reactions to Wednesday’s awful event…

Some immediately adopting the eye-for-an-eye verdict (although their words aren’t quite as nice as mine).
Others decrying gun violence.
Still more denouncing all private gun ownership.
Others ranting about racism.
More, too, demanding new policy initiatives.

… all in the seemingly immediate, initial instant after the awful event.

I get it. Does America have a gun problem? … a violence problem? … a racism problem? We certainly struggle with each of the above; many people are legitimately passionate about these issues. Let me first add a related concept. I believe we also have a significant problem in this country with mental illness; we’re not good at acknowledging it nor discussing it — a topic the Intramuralist believes gets way too little air time.

My sense, no less, is that each of the above conflicts are topics on which we could/should undoubtedly host a longer, respectful dialogue. My sense is also that our instantaneous outrage in these areas often impedes us from seeing a far bigger, bottom line.

Bigger than the problems with guns, violence, and race, America seems to have a “sin” problem (… sorry… I know we have trouble and great discomfort acknowledging and discussing this; I just don’t like to avoid any topic). Hence, allow me to explain…

If sin is “an immoral act considered to be a transgression of divine law,” we need to at least attempt to discern what “divine law” is. What does God actually require of us?

Yikes. I must confess that the Intramuralist was never blessed with some ultra-omniscience capable of articulating exactly what God requires and does not; in fact, I’m pretty confident no human has been so seemingly blessed. But if asked, I would start with something like this…

The great big God of the Universe wants us to love him and love other people (… let me repeat that…). Love him and love other people. He wants us to be humble, act justly, and love mercy. If each of us simply started with that, my even keener sense is that there would be less problems on this planet — yes, less of a gun problem… less of a violence problem… and less of a racism problem.

If yesterday’s killer had humbled himself before God — submitting in some semblance of prayer his emotions, experience, and so obvious (to us) wrongful belief system — before the living God — he would not have killed Allison Parker and Adam Ward. Instead, this killer was seemingly “mad as hell and not going to take it any more.” He knew no divine law at that time.

I think of the two innocent people who died Wednesday morning… two people, doing their jobs.   As my dear friend said, I’m “numb. Just numb.” Maybe that humble pause should be the first reaction for each of us… accompanied by tear-laced prayers for the families of Parker and Ward. May God be with you now.

(P.S. I’m back.)

Respectfully…
AR

08/25/2015

right or righteous?

Right or Righteous?…

That is the Question!

There are times in our lives when we feel as though we are in a refiner’s fire — those tough times or circumstances that refine — or seemingly purify — us… when, for whatever reason, it is as if every situation or interaction we find ourselves in brings about the same message. The message arises so much that you begin to ask yourself:

“Am I ever going to catch a break here?”

This is a picture of how my summer of 2001 was spent. At the time, I was on staff as a full-time missionary with Youth With A Mission – Nashville. YWAM is a non-profit ministry focused on service and training across the globe, that started over 50 years ago. My job and primary focus was to train and lead our college age volunteers as they led the youth groups. I LOVED my job! I was in my element!! I was doing what I love to do.

So, why in the world was I facing such confrontation at every turn? And from one staff person in particular at that? Everyday I found myself asking:

“What is his deal?”

Then, one day, after yet another head-butting, down right frustrating confrontation with this fellow staff member (did I ever mention how much I dislike confrontation? Well, I dislike it… A LOT!), a dear friend spoke these words to me and, still, today they resonate within me — especially in those moments when I find myself going head-to-head with someone and all I want to do is yell:

“I know what I am doing!!! I can take care of it myself!!”

Here is what my dear friend, Tiny, had to say:

“I know the things you have endured, but do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be RIGHTEOUS?”

Do we always have to be right? … or will we allow for our character to be carved and to grow?

Can we say ouch?!! That hurts the pride and the rightness of it all!

Hear this: there is no disgrace in being right. This world needs more of what is right and good and true. It is just in those moments the challenge becomes more real and true and honest.

Hanging with you in the fray…

Respectfully…

08/11/2015

all you have taught me

My oldest daughter asks, “Would you write a guest column for my blog?”

Sure! …what to write about?

Her sister, Nicole, is on my mind everyday. Would anyone be interested in my thoughts?

Maybe… Let’s give that a try.

Initially there was a positive — a relief. Her pain was over. No more struggle with the… ya … all that. But what a void in my psyche! Immediately you get busy with all the arrangement stuff. Lots of support yet one day down, next day level. Then the anniversaries start as April enters. A month since she died — two. Another month brings the 35th anniversary of her birth. We would always celebrate at her favorite restaurant.

A father laments with the reminder of special moments, special thoughts, special sharing. For more than a year, every other week, early on Thursday, in the car to Iowa City Medical Center…

“How is it going today?”

“Not yet Dad. I need a little time.”

Ten miles down the road the conversation starts. There were concerns lifted, issues clarified, history reviewed, faith affirmed and assured.

I have three daughters and two sons, all to whom God has given special gifts. Nicole had some exceptional qualities like no other — beginning with her always present smile, a symbol of her attitude. All four of her siblings will confirm that enthusiastically.

A few years ago she gave me a gift that seems so appropriate now. It is a book along with CD called, “Something Worth Leaving Behind.” Inside the cover she wrote:

“To Dad — From Nicole — I love you! Thank you for all you have taught me.”

I listen to the music now… with tears, for she taught me so much more than I ever taught her. She taught me how to face stage four cancer in a way I don’t think I ever could. She taught me how to not give up even though the oncologist gave her a year. She taught me to live with a confidence in difficult times and offer her “I’m fine” to the very day before she died. Yes, she also taught me to believe in important spiritual and eternal things when the going gets real tough.

And as I reflect now, she continues to teach me more.

With Both Grief and Joy…
RWM

08/06/2015

losing the art of friendship

What have we done?

That was the thought that went through my mind as I sat with a group of 8th grade girls. They were chatting about the usual teenage girl stuff: school, friends, and boys.

Then one of the girls commented, “My best friend and I were being silly, skipping to the school bus holding hands the other day. One of the kids at the bus stop yelled, ‘Lesbians!’ Now that rumor is all over school.”

“What did you expect?” said another.

This is not an article about sexual orientation. The topic I would like us to think about is the sexualization of simple expressions of friendship and the impact that is having on our kids. The American Psychology Association states that “sexualization occurs when:

* A person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;

* A person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;

* A person is sexually objectified —that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making;

* And/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.” (http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report-full.pdf)

Most of us are aware of the negative side effects of girls being over sexualized in regards to their male counterparts. (Click on above link for the full scoop.) Young girls are overly concerned about being attractive and attracted to boys, and now they seem to be dealing with relationships with female peers in a sexual context as well.

“You understand that being affectionate with friends is a totally normal things, right? It has nothing to do with whether you find that person attractive or not.” I said to blank stares. They didn’t believe me.

“When I was your age…” I started, then stopped when I got a group eye roll. My telling them of the good old days wasn’t going to help.

This conversation has been on my mind since and I have brought it up to enough teens and young adults to believe that their perception is a common one. And it made me sad.

You see, I do have strong fond memories of the girls I hung out with in 7th and 8th grade. These were the years of growth-spurts, first bras, periods and passing around books by Judy Blume. We leaned on each other for understanding and support, and laughed until milk came out our noses. At dances and skating parties we would be just as likely to partner up with each other as with a boy. Dance or skating with a boy had flirty overtones, but among ourselves there was none of that. We shared a close intimacy that allowed several of us to cram into a bathroom; one changing, one peeing and another at the mirror putting on her Bonnie Bell lip gloss.

Oh, we talked about boys, but mostly the unattainable ones whose Teen Beat pin-ups were taped to our walls. Most of our time together was spent making our own adventures: camping under a starlit sky, sleepovers that involved baking, making up dance moves and then crowding close to each other telling ghost stories, or hanging out at the local swimming hole. Our friendship was not based on being thin or fat, tall or short, curvy or flat. We were just us.

As we’ve grown up our lives paths and experiences have been as diverse as anyone’s. However, during those formative years when we were transitioning from girlhood to womanhood, our society and media wasn’t telling us that our physically displays of affection with our peers had sexual connotations. We were free to hug, touch, and run arm and arm. We were free to accept each other no matter how we were made. We learned how to be good friends, strong and reliable, and that love had very little to do with sex, but with our willingness to be there for one another.

I worry about this young generation who consider every relationship with their peers in a sexual context. I worry about their ability to be content, self-accepting and at peace.

Respectfully…

SBS