[Welcome to our annual Guest Writer Series, a time in which we are intentional in listening to other voices. Know that AR may/may not agree with the perspective expressed. Know, too, that agreement is secondary to learning from others. Meet Guest Writer #9!]
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Have you ever said something or done something that created friction between you and a loved one? I would wager that every reader will answer with a bashful yes. Perhaps you even felt regret or sorrow for your part in what transpired, whether of your own accord or through subsequent conversation. I would also hazard a guess that you have also been on the receiving end of a comment or gesture that hurt you in some way, shape, or form.
There is a saying heard every now and again in our house that my wife or I say to the other: “I love you, but right now I don’t like you very much.” We know this means there is an item of contention between us.
OOPS…. time for a course correction.
As a couple, we are far from excellent at communicating with each other and we sometimes fail to adequately share our thoughts, concerns, feelings, joys, fears, dreams, and expectations. The last item is of utmost importance. Why do I think so? Unmet expectations are often the single, largest source of disappointment in my relationships….. going both directions.
Also, transparency is paramount regardless of relationship: coworker, manager, spouse, child, friend, neighbor, parent, etc. You don’t have to necessarily share your deepest desires and aspirations outside of your home, but being honest with everyone, including yourself, leads to deeper connection and the opportunity for empathy and compassion to show up.
How do we do this?
First, you have to have conversations. I recommend face-to-face for your closest relationships, but phone/on-line conversations have become a thing of the norm, especially in the corporate world.
Second, you have to be aware of your expectations and practice self-introspection. Some level of emotional intelligence is also beneficial.
Last, and most important, you have to be vulnerable. This piece comes with some risk. Obviously you can share more deeply within your most personal relationships. This can be scary, even with your spouse…. but oh, so beneficial. This creates the opportunity to bond profoundly.
What does this look like for less serious things?
Chat about what your vision looks like for an event or situation. Share your ideas and look for opportunities to create conversation. Engage in back-and-forth dialogue. If someone is sharing their expectations with you, pay attention and ask clarifying questions? I also encourage you to rephrase back what you understood.
Listen, pause, reflect, process…then speak!
Humbly,
CA
P.S. A tool I utilize to set other’s expectations when establishing a time to meet…. give a 15 minute window; shoot for arriving at the beginning, but know that you have margin built into your travel.